by TJ Klune
Sandy waved a hand at me dismissively. “You have a lifetime ahead of you for those. Charlie wants us together for the big introduction.”
“Ooh,” I said, shoving Vince away. “That is so much more important than the first-time married-couple sex I was going to go have.”
“Hey!” Vince said. Then, “Okay, you’re right. It is a little bit more important.”
“He’s so nervous, it’s adorable,” Sandy said. “He’s doing that thing where he’s trying to pretend he’s not, but he’s all twitchy. Ah, the throes of young love. Or. Well. Young old-people love.” He frowned. “Elderly boning? Never mind. It’s… cute.”
I’d only caught glimpses of Robert, having been swept up in everything else going on to be able to stop for an introduction. I knew that this was important to Charlie, especially in light of that fact that this was the first time this had ever happened. Not once in all the years I had known him had he ever brought someone for us to meet. It’d made me sad for the longest time, especially since I still wasn’t clear on his relationship with Sandy’s old mentor, Vaguyna Muffman. Regardless, her death had been devastating for Charlie. And not to mention his bitch of an ex-wife who’d taken his kids away from him.
So this was important.
First-time married-people sex could wait just a little bit more.
“Are we supposed to go find him?” I asked.
“No,” Sandy said. “He was going to grab Robert and bring him out—there they are.”
There was a dapper man walking next to Charlie, his suit looking perfectly cut for his slender frame. He was of the same height as Charlie and walked smoothly with the help of a wooden cane. His hair was salt and peppered and thin, but the beard on his face was full. The skin around his eyes was wrinkled prominently, but even I could see that age had not diminished his handsomeness. He held on to Charlie’s elbow as they walked. They made a striking couple, Charlie rough and strong, Robert elegant and wispy.
“Wow,” Corey murmured. “Old dude is hot.”
“Don’t let Charlie hear you say that,” I whispered. “Might think you’re trying to get all up on his GILF.”
Corey choked out a laugh.
And I could see what Sandy was talking about as Charlie approached. He was a little stiffer than he normally was, and it had nothing to do with his arthritis. He was nervous about this, and any thought I had about teasing him immediately went out the window. Maybe there had been other people aside from Vaguyna. But maybe they hadn’t been important enough. This was obviously important to him.
I reached over and grabbed Sandy’s hand, squeezing it sharply. He squeezed right back, and I knew he understood.
No one said a word as they approached. Charlie looked over all of us before his gaze rested on Sandy and me.
“Everyone,” Charlie said. “This is Robert Olsen. My… date.” He blushed furiously.
I wanted to aww them both so hard.
Somehow, I resisted.
Robert looked amused when he glanced over at Charlie. When he spoke, his voice was soft and not as deep as I thought it’d be. It had a slightly effeminate quality to it, and I decided right then and there that I wanted to make sure Charlie kept him forever. “Your date? Is that what the kids call it these days? I prefer us going steady myself. You can give me your letterman jacket later if you’d like, when we go parking.”
“Oh my God,” Sandy and I both said at the same time, obviously unable to last even a few seconds without embarrassing the crap out of Charlie.
“You have to keep him,” Sandy demanded.
“Forever,” I agreed. “Never let him out of your sight.”
Charlie sighed. “Robert, these are my—”
“Your kids?” Robert asked. “That’s what you call them.”
Charlie blushed again and wouldn’t meet anyone’s eyes.
And that just wouldn’t do. “Yes,” I said, taking a step forward. “We’re his kids. I’m Paul. This is my new husband, Vince. And there’s Sandy and his boyfriend, Darren. And the baby of the group, the beautiful Corey.”
Robert shook my hand, his grip firm. “It was a lovely ceremony. I particularly liked the way you knocked down Vince here. Charlie told me he wasn’t surprised that it happened that way.”
“That’s because they never do anything normal,” Charlie mumbled.
“Pish posh,” Robert said, swatting Charlie’s shoulder lightly. “You were just as proud as Paul’s parents. I could see it in your eyes. Don’t you try and deny it, you old coot.”
Charlie got a grumpy look on his face. “I wasn’t denying it.”
“This is the greatest thing that’s ever happened,” I whispered to Sandy.
“You just got married,” Sandy reminded me.
“Oh. Right. Well, Vince will forgive me.”
“What are we whispering about?” Vince whispered.
“How much I love you.”
“Oh. Cool. I love you too.”
“Charlie’s told me so much about you,” Robert said. “He speaks about all of you often.”
“That’s because we’re amazing,” Corey said.
“There is that,” Robert said. “I’m just happy to finally meet you all. I feel like I know you well already.”
“I don’t talk about them that much,” Charlie said with a scowl.
“You have pictures of them in your wallet,” Robert said, a glint in his eyes. “Don’t you try and deny it.”
The sound that Sandy and I made was not exactly the most masculine thing we’d ever done, but I couldn’t find a reason to give a shit.
“You are going to come to lunch with us one day soon,” I said.
“And we won’t take no for an answer,” Sandy said.
“We should probably get his phone number,” Corey said. “Because of reasons.”
“If you’re thinking of running,” Darren said, “you should know it’s probably already too late.”
“That’s okay,” Robert said. “I don’t run much anymore. The knee, wouldn’t you know.”
“I like it when Paul chases me,” Vince said. “Usually, it means that he’s gonna—mmph.”
“Vince,” I said, pressing my hand over his mouth even harder. “Maybe not in front of Charlie’s boo.”
Charlie groaned. “Please don’t call him that.”
“You brought this upon yourself when you let us love you,” Sandy told him.
“And now that we know you call us your kids, this is only going to get so much worse,” I said.
“You have no one to blame but yourself,” Corey said.
“No, but seriously,” Darren said to Robert. “You’ll never get away now.”
“Mmmmmph,” Vince said.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, dropping my hand. “I just like putting my hands on—”
A cell phone rang.
Robert’s eyes widened as he dug through his pocket. “Excuse me,” he said, sounding regretful. “I’m expecting a phone call. I apologize. It won’t be but a moment.” And before he answered the phone, he pressed a kiss to Charlie’s cheek. Then he put the phone to his ear and walked toward the ballroom again.
We all stared at Charlie.
He shuffled his feet. Cleared his throat.
We stared some more.
He coughed.
We still stared.
“Oh for God’s sake,” he said, running a hand over his face. “I just… really like him. Okay? And lord knows that you’re all my kids, even if we aren’t exactly related—ah, hell. You really need to do that right now?”
“Yes,” Sandy, Corey, Vince, and I all said at the same time, each of us holding on to some part of Charlie.
“Darren,” Sandy hissed. “Get your ass over here and be involved, you jackass.”
Darren looked uncomfortable at that. “He’s not—he wasn’t talking about me—”
“Shut up,” Charlie said. “You’re as much a part of this as they are. Get your ass over here if this has to happen.”
<
br /> He didn’t have to be asked twice.
“If anyone looks out here,” Corey whispered, “they’ll probably think we’re attacking Charlie.”
“We are,” Sandy said. “We’re attacking him with our love.”
“Love attacks are the best kind,” I said.
“Yeah, they are,” Vince said, leering at me.
“I regret all of you,” Darren said.
“No you don’t,” Charlie said.
“Is this normal?” Robert asked from behind us.
We reluctantly broke apart.
“Unfortunately,” Charlie said, even though he was fighting a smile. “You get used to it.”
“Good to know.” He looked at us again. “I apologize for the interruption. It seems I’d forgotten to take my Plavix today, and my son was going to drop a pill by for me. I had a minor heart event last year, and I have to keep on a regimen prescribed by my doctor. Terrible things, doctors are. So demanding.”
“Are you okay?” I asked, wondering if Charlie had met this son yet. By the look on his face, he hadn’t.
This was awesome.
“Oh, I’m fine,” he said. “Just one of those things. More precautionary than anything else. I hope you don’t mind if he pops in a quick moment. I promise he won’t stay very long.”
“Don’t worry about it. He can stay as long as—”
“There you are, Dad.”
I looked over Robert’s shoulder to see a man that was almost the spitting image of his father. He wasn’t as slender, and his dark hair was full as was his beard, but he had the same green eyes, the same crooked grin. He wore a pair of khakis and a sweater vest and glasses, the frames thick and black. He looked to be older than us, probably in his mid to late thirties.
He was hot, in a nerdy professor kind of way, the type who looked wholesome but would probably just be a motherfucking freak in the bed.
So imagine my surprise, then, when nerdy professor turned out to actually be a professor.
And imagine my even bigger surprise when nerdy professor said, “Corey! What are you doing here?”
And then Corey squeaked, “Professor Olsen?”
We all turned slowly to stare at him.
And Corey was blushing. Just like Charlie had been.
No.
Fucking.
Way.
“You two know each other?” Robert asked, sounding confused.
“Yes,” Nerdy (and suddenly extremely interesting) Professor said. “I had Corey last semester in one of my graduate psych classes. His work was… brilliant, if I may speak candidly.”
“It’s not… it wasn’t… thank you,” Corey said, sounding flustered. “Um. You. Are here.”
“Sorry,” Professor Olsen said with a wince. “Just needed to bring Dad his meds.” He shot Robert a glare. “That he forgot. Again.”
“It happens,” Robert said airily. “It won’t kill me to miss one, Jeremy. You know this.”
Professor Jeremy Olsen. Who Corey was blushing over.
“Well, just don’t forget next time and I won’t have to crash a wedding,” Jeremy said. “And notice how I am not asking anything about your fella there, even though you haven’t introduced me.”
Robert held out his hand.
Jeremy dropped a little pill into it.
“You can stay,” I blurted out. “It’s… everything is winding down, but you can stay if you’d like. My new hubby and I don’t mind, do we, hubby?”
“I thought we were getting out of here to go—Ow, that was your elbow. Nope. We don’t mind at all.” Vince rubbed his stomach and glared at me.
“Thank you,” Jeremy said. “But I am afraid I must decline. I have classes to prepare for next week that I’m already behind on. Work never ends.”
“Are you sure,” Corey asked, sounding strained. “You could… have some… stuff. Here.”
Some stuff? Sandy mouthed at me, eyes wide.
Jeremy smiled at him, eyes soft. “I would like to, but I really must be going.”
“Okay,” Corey said faintly. “I could… walk you out?”
“Was that a question?” Jeremy asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Yes,” Corey said. “I mean no. Yes? No. I was telling you. But you can still say no. Like it was a question. You don’t have to do—”
“Sure, Corey,” Jeremy said. “That’d be… nice.”
And Corey almost tripped over his own feet as he moved forward. I couldn’t help the snort of laughter that came out, and he glared at me, but I didn’t give two shits.
Because our little Corey had a motherfucking crush on a teacher. His teacher.
And it was glorious.
“Um,” Corey said. “I’ll be right back.”
“It was nice to see you all,” Jeremy said. “And Dad, maybe bring your gentleman friend to dinner soon, huh? I’d like to meet him formally.”
“Get out of here, you rapscallion,” Robert said. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Jeremy nodded and turned, Corey trailing after him.
We stared after them.
“Did that really just happen?” I asked finally.
“He told me he was swooning over a professor,” Sandy said, sounding just as shocked. “I just never thought I’d actually meet him.”
“What a good day for love,” Vince said, leaning over and pressing a hard kiss to my lips.
“You should have run when you had the chance,” Darren told Robert. “Because now, you’re never getting out. Especially since these two are involved.”
“I’m sorry for whatever is going to happen,” Charlie said.
Sandy and I ignored them. “Robert,” Sandy said. “Is your son single?”
“He is,” Robert said, lips quirking.
“And does he like penis?” I asked.
“He’s bisexual if that’s what you’re asking.”
Sandy and I grinned at each other. “Robert,” I said. “I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”
“Here we go again,” Charlie muttered.
VINCE FREDDIE Prinze Juniored me four times that night.
We almost broke the bed.
And when he woke up the next morning, blinking slowly at me, a sleepy smile on his face, I said, “Good morning, Mr. Auster.”
Which led to a fifth time.
I didn’t walk straight for a week.
Being married fucking rocked.
More from TJ Klune
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Paul Auster doesn’t. Paul doesn’t believe in much at all. He’s thirty, slightly overweight, and his best features are his acerbic wit and the color commentary he provides as life passes him by. His closest friends are a two-legged dog named Wheels and a quasibipolar drag queen named Helena Handbasket. He works a dead-end job in a soul-sucking cubicle, and if his grandmother’s homophobic parrot insults him one more time, Paul is going to wring its stupid neck.
Enter Vince Taylor.
Vince is everything Paul isn’t: sexy, confident, and dumber than the proverbial box of rocks. And for some reason, Vince pursues Paul relentlessly. Vince must be messing with him, because there is no way Vince could want someone like Paul.
But when Paul hits Vince with his car—in a completely unintentional if-he-died-it’d-only-be-manslaughter kind of way—he’s forced to see Vince in a whole new light. The only thing stopping Paul from believing in Vince is himself—and that is one obstacle Paul can’t quite seem to overcome. But when tragedy strikes Vince’s family, Paul must put aside any notions he has about himself and stand next to the man who thinks he’s perfect the way he is.
Sequel to Tell Me It’s Real
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Sanford Stewart sure doesn’t. In fact, he pretty much believes in the exact opposite, thanks to the Homo Jock King. It seems Darren Mayne lives for nothing more than to create chaos in Sandy’s perfectly ordered life, just for the hell of it. Sandy despises him, and nothing will ever
change his mind.
Or so he tells himself.
It’s not until the owner of Jack It—the club where Sandy performs as drag queen Helena Handbasket—comes to him with a desperate proposition that Sandy realizes he might have to put his feelings about Darren aside. Because Jack It will close unless someone can convince Andrew Taylor, the mayor of Tucson, to keep it open.
Someone like Darren, the mayor’s illegitimate son.
The foolproof plan is this: seduce Darren and push him to convince his father to renew Jack It’s contract with the city.
Simple, right?
Wrong.
Gustavo Tiberius is not normal. He knows this. Everyone in his small town of Abby, Oregon, knows this. He reads encyclopedias every night before bed. He has a pet ferret called Harry S. Truman. He owns a video rental store that no one goes to. His closest friends are a lady named Lottie with drag queen hair and a trio of elderly Vespa riders known as the We Three Queens.
Gus is not normal. And he’s fine with that. All he wants is to be left alone.
Until Casey, an asexual stoner hipster and the newest employee at Lottie’s Lattes, enters his life. For some reason, Casey thinks Gus is the greatest thing ever. And maybe Gus is starting to think the same thing about Casey, even if Casey is obsessive about Instagramming his food.
But Gus isn’t normal and Casey deserves someone who can be. Suddenly wanting to be that someone, Gus steps out of his comfort zone and plans to become the most normal person ever.
After all, what could possibly go wrong?
In the small mountain town of Amorea, it’s stretching toward autumn of 1954. The memories of a world at war are fading in the face of a prosperous future. Doors are left unlocked at night, and neighbors are always there to give each other a helping hand.
The people here know certain things as fact:
Amorea is the best little town there is.
The only good Commie is a dead Commie.
The Women’s Club of Amorea runs the town with an immaculately gloved fist.
And bookstore owner Mike Frazier loves that boy down at the diner, Sean Mellgard. Why they haven’t gotten their acts together is anybody’s guess. It may be the world’s longest courtship, but no one can deny the way they look at each other.