by K. C. Crowne
“I know, Grant. Trust me, I know. I scour over the books day in and day out. What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I just want to make sure you’re happy, that’s all.”
“I am happy.”
“Are you?” Grant asked.
“Yes,” I said. I knew he doubted me, so I decided to elaborate. “I’m as happy as I can be. I’m still hoping to settle down one day, find myself a man that isn’t a complete asswipe - but if that doesn’t happen, at least I have the hotel and everything I’ve worked toward. And I’ll have given back to the community, and to charity. At least I can say I lived my life on my own terms. Can you say that, Grant?”
Grant looked taken aback. I hadn’t meant for it to be an attack on him, but I worried about my brother. He never let anyone in. Even I had trouble sometimes. He used to have dreams too, and those seemed to be tossed aside for busy work.
“I’m starting my business,” he said.
“Good. That’s a start,” I said. “And I’m proud of you for making a friend and getting your shit together to start a business with him.”
“I hope you know I’m proud of you too, sis,” he said.
“For what?” I asked. “For not walking away when that’s the smart thing to do?”
“No, for standing up for what you believe in. For sticking by the folks of Liberty, for all that you do in our sister’s name.”
My brother rarely told me he was proud of me. It made my day to hear him praise me, something that rarely happened. Still, it felt weird and a bit awkward. My cheeks flushed and I looked away.
“Thank you,” I said softly.
“Anyway, I better get back to work. That sink ain’t going to fix itself,” Grant said.
Our sweet brother-sister moment was over, and we were back to work. Before Grant left, he turned to me and said, “And watch out for that Wade guy. I think he’s a bit obsessed with you.”
I groaned. “Tell me about it,” I said. “But he’s harmless. It’s just a silly little crush.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure—”
“Alright, you can stop the protective big brother act. I appreciate it, but I can take care of myself,” I said with a playful laugh. “Besides, he’s one of the only reasons we’re still in business, so I have to play nice.”
“Just be careful around him. He’s a bit creepy,” he said.
“Wanna talk about creepy? Wade has nothing on that Donovan Russo guy,” I muttered.
Grant’s phone rang, and he stared at it with a scrunched up face. “It’s Kellen,” he said. “I better answer this.”
“Go on,” I said, shooing him from the office. “Handle your business and leave me to mine.”
I heard his voice as he stepped out of the office, and from the sounds of it, something was wrong. I didn’t want to pry, but I couldn’t help but overhear bits and pieces of the conversation.
“No, not a problem at all, man,” Grant said. “Take all the time you need, and if you want some help, I’m here.”
Wow, my brother had made a friend. A true friend from the sounds of it.
“Of course I can run by your house and try to get things ready,” he said.
Ready for what, I wondered. I didn’t hear the rest of the phone call; Grant had stepped too far from the doorway. It was none of my business.
Chapter 5
Kellen
The nurses at the hospital did all they could to prepare me for caring for Matilda, but the moment I stepped out of the hospital with the baby in my arms, I knew it wouldn’t be enough.
Grant had been kind enough to pick up a few things for me so my home would be ready for the baby. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, but he picked up a few things for me. I’d pick up the rest.
Before we flew home, I had to get a car seat and some diapers. The nurses had given me some formula to hold us over until we got home.
With Matilda in the hospital for a few more hours, I had a little time to prepare. Not much - most people get nine months to prepare for a child; I had about a day.
I had to go to Alice’s place, but I put it off. I wasn’t sure I could handle walking in there and seeing everything set up for Matilda, knowing how excited Alice was to bring her home. I met with Alice’s lawyer, and he confirmed I was the legal guardian for Matilda - as well as the only person listed in the will. I inherited the house and everything that came with it. Alice and Henry lived a meager, middle-class lifestyle, but they had a home. It was mostly paid off. I worked with the bank to make the remaining payments and decided I’d either rent it out or sell it eventually, putting away any money for Matilda’s future.
But that would wait.
Instead of going to the house to get Matilda’s things, I decided to start fresh. I walked into Target and headed for the baby section. As soon as I got there, I knew I was in trouble. I stared at the diapers and was overwhelmed by all the options.
A friendly sales associate walked over to me with a smile. Her name tag said her name was Kara, and she couldn’t have been older than eighteen.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m kind of in a weird situation,” I said, running a hand over my beard. “I’ve got a baby and need some diapers and a car seat that will work on an airplane.”
“Alright, how old is the child?” the girl asked.
“She’s two days old,” I said.
“Aww, just a teeny little baby then,” Kara cooed. “How much does she weigh?”
For some reason, it never occurred to me to ask the nurses such a question.
“Uh, about five pounds, I think? Maybe six? That sounds about right for a newborn, right?”
Kara giggled. “Yes, six pounds is about right for a smaller-sized baby. Five is a bit small, unless he or she is a preemie.”
“No, she wasn’t premature,” I said, staring at the diapers and wondering how I’d ever figure everything out.
“Do you have a preference for brand?”
“The best? I don’t really know these things,” I said.
Kara smiled. “That’s alright. I suggest these here,” she said. She handed me a pack of Huggies. I’d heard of the brand at least, so I felt confident in that choice.
“Thank you,” I said. “And could you help me pick out a car seat? I need to fly home with her.”
“Absolutely,” Kara said. “Just follow me.”
I wasn’t sure what I’d do without people like Kara and the nurses at the hospital. Eventually, I’d have to figure things out on my own. I couldn’t rely on everyone else taking care of Matilda - especially people like Kara who are still children themselves. It was pathetic that I didn’t know any of this.
Not that I ever had a reason for learning it before.
Ooo000ooo
Once I was cleared to fly with Matilda, we headed home.
It still hadn’t set in yet that Alice was gone and that I’d be raising her little girl. My heart hurt for Alice, and I made sure she had a beautiful memories service before I left. I was one of the few who attended, sadly. Most of her old friends weren’t local to Washington since she grew up across the country from them, and she’d lost touch with them over the years - especially throughout her depression over losing Henry.
I was numb and empty. Nothing felt real anymore. But I had to hold it together for Matilda. She needed me.
I’d purchased two seats on the plane, one for Matilda’s car seat. The flight attendants were kind enough to help me secure it. I had no idea what I was doing. One of them gave me a few hints and suggested I feed her on takeoff and landing to help with the pressure in her ears. I’d have never thought of that.
I had a bottle of formula ready and fed Matilda as instructed. I held her in my arms during takeoff. The woman next to us kept smiling at me, easing my fears that people would be annoyed by her.
“She’s precious,” the woman said. “Reminds me of my granddaughter.”
“Thanks,” I said, not sure what else
to say. I’ve never been good at conversing with strangers and knew nothing about kids besides what I’d learned in my crash course with the nurses.
“What’s her name?” the woman asked.
“Matilda.”
“Oh, that’s an old-fashioned name,” she said, seemingly surprised. “Very unexpected.”
“It’s a family name,” I said. “Her mother’s mother’s name, to be exact.”
“I see,” the woman said. “And where is her mother?”
My insides turned to knots. I didn’t want to have that conversation, but there I was. I had no choice. I imagine it had to be weird to see a man flying with a newborn all by himself.
“Um, well, she passed away during childbirth,” I stated, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible. I obviously failed.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear about your wife.”
“She’s not my wife,” I corrected.
“Oh, your girlfriend then,” she added.
“She’s not—” I stopped. What was the point of correcting her? It would only lead to even more questions I didn’t want to answer. “Thank you.”
The woman then proceeded to critique how I was holding her, how I was feeding her, and while Matilda had been eating peacefully up until then, the more the woman messed with her, the more the baby began to fuss.
“Thank you, but we’ve got it under control,” I said, gritting my teeth.
Matilda let out a scream as the plane hit cruising altitude. Now folks were turning around and scowling at us. The adorable little baby was a hindrance to their peace and quiet.
“Come on, it’s a short flight,” I muttered. “And she’s just a baby.”
A flight attendant walked over to us, and I expected to be told to quiet the baby down. Instead, she offered another hint. “Once the fasten seatbelt signs go off, walk with her a bit,” she said. “The movement can help calm her.”
“Thank you,” I said, talking over the pitiful screams.
“Poor thing, her ears probably hurt,” the flight attendant said.
It didn’t even occur to me that she could be hurting. My heart broke at the thought, and I spoke softly to the crying child. “It’s okay, sweetie. We’ll be home soon.”
I never wanted anything to hurt her; she was just so innocent and precious. As soon as I was allowed, I got up from the seat and walked the aisles. She cried still, and more people glared at us, but others offered a kind word or two. I hated being the center of attention, but when you have a crying newborn on a plane, there was no way around it.
Eventually, she quieted down and fell asleep in my arms. I walked back to my seat, praying she would remain sleeping for the rest of the flight. I placed her in her car seat and buckled her up, relaxing in my seat beside her.
I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept since Alice passed. Even before Matilda had been released from the hospital, I was a wreck. We’d had one night in a hotel before flying home, and even when the little girl was sleeping peacefully, I was up and down checking on her. If she was too quiet, I had to make sure she was breathing. I was so worried I’d screw up and do something wrong. My anxiety was through the roof.
I kept reminding myself that we’d be home soon. Not that it helped relieve my anxiety completely. My life had changed drastically in a matter of days, and I still wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. I’d never planned on having kids of my own, I wasn’t sure I’d be a good father.
But I had to be. Matilda depended on me now.
Ooo000ooo
“I don’t know what I’d do without you, man,” I said, staring at the room that used to be a guest room. It had been painted pink and there was a pretty pink and white bassinet set up on one side. I hadn’t had any friends since Henry passed, but Grant was a good guy. One of the best I’d met in Liberty so far.
Grant rested a hand on my shoulder. “It’s no problem at all. The bed is actually from Piper Davis, she runs the local daycare in town. When I told her what happened, she said she had an extra bed she could gift to you.”
“Wow, that’s amazing. Tell her thanks, will ya?” I said. I walked over and gently placed Matilda in the bed. Eventually, I’d make her a crib, but for now, the simple bassinet would do.
“You can tell her yourself,” Grant said, handing over a business card. “She’s really good with kids, and she’d be happy to help.”
I stared down at the card in his hand.
Little Cubs Childcare Center.
There was an adorable graphic of a baby bear wrapped in the loving embrace of a protective mama bear. The words, Even mama bears need breaks sometimes. Trust your cubs to our loving staff of dedicated childcare experts.
“Cute. Very cute,” I chuckled. I took the card with no intention of using it. The very idea of trusting Matilda in the hands of a stranger made me sick to my stomach. Realistically, I knew I would need the help, but she was just so little and fragile, I couldn’t imagine leaving her in anyone else’s care.
“She’s best friends with my sister. I’ve practically grown up with her,” Grant said. “Piper’s like family.”
It was like he’d read my mind and was reassuring me that Piper wasn’t a stranger - she was family. At least to him, she was. Not to me. That was a big difference.
“I’ll meet with her,” I said, shrugging. “But I make no promises of using her services.”
“I understand,” Grant said, holding his hands up. “I just think she can offer you some advice and guidance too. She teaches classes for new parents every Monday evening. Maybe start there?”
A class for parents would probably be a good idea. I had no fucking clue what I was doing. But the very idea of being surrounded by people, all happy and cheery all the damn time, wasn’t my idea of a good time. Matilda was worth it, though.
“You hungry?” Grant asked.
“What?” I was out of it from exhaustion. I hadn’t slept in days. Food was the last thing on my mind.
“Are you hungry?” Grant asked.
“Uhhh…” My stomach growled at the mere mention of food. It was loud enough that Grant laughed.
“I guess that’s your answer. Come on, let’s take Matilda out on the town and get a bite to eat.”
“I don’t think—”
“What? Don’t you think some fresh mountain air would be good for her?”
I honestly wasn’t sure. I had no idea what would be good for a baby and what wouldn’t be. Not that staying cooped up inside all day would be good for her, but being around people with their coughs and colds and dirty hands?
“Until I talk to a doctor, I don’t think it’s a good idea to take her out around people,” I said, staring down at the sweet little girl in her bed. She was sleeping rather peacefully. The flight home and everything had been exhausting for her too. I didn’t want to wake her or expose her to anything that could harm her.
I’d already had her on a filthy plane, and that worried me enough. I didn’t want to increase her chances of getting sick. I knew that babies usually relied on their mother’s breast milk for immunity, and without a mother to breast feed her, we’d have to be extra careful until she could get vaccinated.
“Oh, good point,” Grant said, staring at Matilda like she was the most adorable alien creature he’d ever seen. He didn’t have much experience or knowledge of babies either and was as nervous as I was. If not more so. “I’ll run into town and grab something instead.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I can scrounge up something to eat, I’m sure.”
“Nah, man. Let me do this for you,” he said, patting me on the back. “You take care of that little angel, and I’ll be right back.”
“Thanks, Grant. For everything,” I said. “You’re a real friend.”
“I understand that you don’t know many folks here yet,” Grant said. “And you may not be from around here, but you’re a local now - and we take care of each other here in Liberty. Don’t you forget that.”
I had never planne
d to be part of a community, which was why I lived so far away from town. I had wanted to get away, to live on my own and punish myself for past mistakes.
Before I could respond to Grant, my phone rang. I looked at it, and Grant waved at me as he left the room.
It was my sister, Emily. I’d briefly told her about Alice, but I hadn’t had much time to fill her in completely. She knew I was taking care of Matilda, but beyond that, we hadn’t talked much. She obviously had a lot of questions. I sighed as I answered.
“Hey there,” she greeted. “How are you holding up?”
I looked at Matilda. “I’m lost, Emily. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“You’ll figure it out. You always do,” she said softly.
“God, I hope so.”
“I saw the photos you sent me. She’s adorable as hell,” Emily said. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
“You’re going to love her, Em,” I said, running my hand over Matilda’s silky black hair. Her skin was so soft and smooth; she was perfect in every way. “And we could really use your help.”
“I know. I wish I could hop on a plane and rush out there, but—”
“I know, you’ve got your own family and stuff,” I said. “It’s fine. We’ll be fine.”
“Of course you will be,” Emily said. “You’re a good man, do you know that?”
“Nah, I wouldn’t say that.”
“I would,” Emily said. “And you’ll be a good father too.”
Father? I wasn’t sure I was ready to be called her dad. Henry was her father, and Matilda would grow up knowing about her amazing parents. I had no desire to replace either of them. But Alice had asked me to raise her like my own, and I intended to do that too.
“Why so quiet all of a sudden?” Emily asked.
“I don’t know, just thinking,” I said.
“About what?”
“About how Henry is her father, not me. And Alice is her mother. Even if they’re both gone, I can never replace them.”