by David Sheff
Because of the tsunami of dopamine, the wires can short out. The brain adapts to the presence of the drug, so that the same amount doesn’t get you high any longer. And not only do you not get high, but you also don’t feel normal—you don’t even get the normal flow of dopamine.
That’s why after taking drugs, people often feel depleted and depressed. And that’s part of the reason, along with dehydration and other factors, people feel hungover. You might think taking more drugs is the solution, but if you do that, damage is more likely. The more you take, the more the cycle repeats and worsens.
The body adapts to whatever happens to it when it can. It changes. It reroutes freeways so cars can still get to their destinations. It sends tow trucks to clear wrecked cars and jump-start a car with a dead battery. Compensating for the effect of drugs becomes the new normal. Inside our heads, inside our bodies, a transformation occurs. The body can become dependent on drugs to function, to survive—at least, that’s how it can feel.
FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE
One of the reasons we wanted to write this book is that we know drug use is the most confusing and dangerous for teenagers and young adults. During those years, your brains are changing more than they ever will again—more than they change between birth and two years old, when we’re learning how to walk, talk, and navigate a child’s world. Drugs change the brain—in many cases, they literally change the brain’s structure—at exactly the time the brain is most vulnerable.
Such changes may be subtle, and they may not present themselves for years. Some adults who smoked or drank in their teens and twenties complain about ongoing memory loss today, as well as opportunities and relationships they missed out on pursuing due to demotivation and a lack of focus. Even though they seem “fine” today, and at the time felt they were just “experimenting” or “harmlessly” using drugs, they still feel that pot, alcohol, or harder drugs robbed them of something important.
As Nic wrote, young adults who use drugs to navigate their teenage years may never learn to do the stuff we normally learn as teenagers—to navigate life, to suffer disappointments, to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or any friend, to try and fail and try again. Nic has said that when he was twenty-five he felt he had the maturity level of a fifteen-year-old. He never learned to cope with stress because he ran from it with drugs.
Even if the worst-case scenarios don’t come to pass, many drug users—casual or otherwise—have told us they wish they could take back the years they spent doing drugs, even just drinking regularly or smoking pot. While we’re not going to pretend that your teens are the “best years of your life”—some people love being teenagers, some hate it—we do know that they’re important years, particularly important in terms of the patterns you’ll adopt for the rest of your life and the health of your brain overall. We just want you to handle those years—and that brain—with the care they deserve.
Michael, a boy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, wrote us a letter. “I only smoked pot and thought it wasn’t a big deal,” he said, “but after a while everything changed. I’d been doing pretty well in my life, but I lost my motivation. All I started doing is getting stoned and playing video games. It got pretty pathetic. I f—ed up school. I changed all my friends, started hanging out with all the stoners, and basically was only interested in getting high. I’m still trying to catch up on the time I wasted.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Keeping Sane
I remember seeing girls crying in the bathroom every Monday about what they did that weekend. I never wanted to be that girl . . .
—TAYLOR SWIFT
GETTING THROUGH YOUR LIFE
We met a doctor who has a bumper sticker on her car that reads F— HAPPINESS. Really, she has nothing against happiness, but she believes it’s harmful that we’re so often told that the goal of life is happiness, because that sets us up for unhappiness. If we think we’re supposed to be happy all the time, we can feel like failures when we’re sad or anxious or bored. Ironically, learning that life is hard—sometimes really hard—makes life easier. We can enjoy the good times but know that hard times are okay, too. People sometimes feel sad, stressed, anxious, and depressed. That’s just the way it is, and it’s okay; part of fully experiencing life is fully experiencing the range of life—the good and the bad.
We’re affected by what’s going on inside us and outside us. You have your own worries, insecurities, self-doubt, and fear. Some of us have the kinds of psychological problems we’ve talked about. (Nic and David both have bipolar disorder.) Your parents’ troubles probably have an impact on you, and so might your friends’ difficulties. Your feelings of being alone, different, weird, or otherwise unacceptable—those feelings are nearly universal. It might look as if your peers are always happy, but everyone has ups and downs, insecurities, and distressing thoughts. The writer Anne Lamott says, “Try not to compare your insides with other people’s outsides.” Or as Nic says, “As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. What others say is irrelevant. You have to know who you are.”
When you have a problem, the first piece of advice we have is talk to someone. Problems you hide don’t usually get better—they get worse. Who do you talk to? Your parents or other responsible adults in your life, if you can. If you feel you can’t talk to a parent, there are many others who can help, including other relatives, school counselors, teachers, school nurses, doctors, and friends.
One high school student said that every day she would come home from school and feel like she was going to explode. “As soon as I got inside, my mom would be on me, asking me all about my day, when I just wanted to go in my room and listen to music and unwind.”
Finally, she asked her mother to give her some time to chill out when she gets home—time to be alone without questions or a list of things to do. Things still aren’t perfect, but the conversation helped.
Another girl said that her mother was always on her case about having more friends. But she’s extremely shy, and socializing is hard for her—“It’s just who I am.” Her mother’s pressure made it much worse, she said, because not only did she have to try to deal with her shyness—the isolation and loneliness she felt at school—but she also had to feel bad about disappointing her mother.
Eventually, she spoke to a school counselor about it, and the counselor suggested she tell her mother how she felt. But the girl didn’t feel comfortable talking to her mother. “My mother was shy when she was a kid and hated being a teenager,” she said. “She wants to protect me. It’s like she’s reliving high school through me.”
She began seeing the counselor, who gave her books to read (the girl loved one called Quiet by Susan Cain), helping her accept and even value her shyness. The counselor encouraged her to enroll in a group for kids with social anxiety. Things improved.
Another high school girl said that she needed an alternative for weekend nights, because she felt terrible when she’d go to parties and everyone was getting drunk and stoned, but she also feel terrible if she stayed home and heard about other kids partying without her.
The art teacher at the girl’s school kept the art room open one night a week, so she started going there instead of to parties or staying home. She sees other kids she likes there, and they have more in common.
“I don’t think I would have made it through the year without art night,” she says. If your school doesn’t have an art night, or whatever might be fun for you (science, sports, or movie-watching nights), maybe a community organization does. If not, consider talking to other students or teachers and counselors and starting one.
Some kids have to deal with problems that are even more obvious and extreme: suicidal thoughts, poverty, self-harm (cutting, burning), sexual or physical abuse, or other violence in the family. And we already mentioned a wide range of ps
ychological problems teens may suffer from. Help is available for kids suffering in these circumstances, too. It’s critical that you talk to someone if any of these situations apply to you. See someone immediately or call a suicide help line if you have suicidal thoughts. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and it’s true. Problems that seem unsolvable can be solved. Feelings of hopelessness usually don’t last. Help is available.
FOMO
FOMO—fear of missing out—is real, and can depress kids or cause anxiety—in some cases, intense anxiety. Writing for Slate, Jessica Winter reports research that proves social media has a dramatic impact on our state of mind and self-esteem. She cites research that “your ‘passive consumption’ of your friends’ feeds . . . correlate[s] with feelings of loneliness and even depression.”
Winter tells about a study that showed that “‘passive following’ on Facebook triggers states of envy and resentment in many users.” And she says that Instagram can be even worse, quoting researcher Hanna Krasnova, who has defined what she calls an “envy spiral.” Krasnova says, “If you see beautiful photos of your friend on Instagram . . . one way to compensate is to self-present with even better photos, and then your friend sees your photos and posts even better photos, and so on. Self-promotion triggers more self-promotion, and the world on social media gets further and further from reality . . .”
We’ve seen that stress and anxiety can lead to drug use. Given this, it’s worth paying attention to how social media makes you feel. Do Facebook, Instagram, or other apps and websites ever make you feel lonely, angry, or envious? Can you see how they might impact your self-esteem and add to the stress and anxiety you feel?
While sometimes professional help is necessary, there are ways people can help themselves to relieve stress. We mentioned that high-pressure sports and similar activities can add stress, but sports and exercise can relieve it, too. Exercise, especially, not only decreases stress, but also ignites a blast of neurotransmitters and other chemicals (among the most powerful are endorphins) that can ease pain and cause pleasure, much the way drugs do. Studies have shown that teenagers who exercise daily were 40 percent less likely to try marijuana than teenagers who don’t, and there have also been studies showing that exercise helps with depression and anxiety.
Exercise, including team and individual sports, can relieve stress and provide natural ways to feel high—to get the blast of those feel-good chemicals. So can other activities, including music, dance, journaling, yoga, and camping, and intense experiences like mountain climbing, skiing and snowboarding, skateboarding, motocross, and many others. They can reduce anxiety and depression and offer an intense rush.
Activities like those can connect you with other people, and that connection can help with stress too. You may also find kids with whom you share interests in afterschool and weekend programs, clubs, and community service organizations and at places like YMCAs, Girls and Boys Clubs, and other gathering places in your community.
Meditation, sometimes called mindfulness, is increasingly popular among teenagers, and studies have shown that it can lower stress, anxiety, and depression. (Another benefit: One study showed that students who meditate before taking tests do better than those who don’t!) Many schools now offer meditation, or you can meditate on your own. Even five minutes of meditation in the morning, after school, or in the evening before bed can have a profound impact on how you feel. We suggest that you try it a few times and see what effect it has.
Meditation, exercise, connection with others, and other activities can help with stress. They don’t work for everyone, though. In some cases, it’s just not enough. Intense and long-lasting stress can be related to problems that require the help of professionals. We said it before, but we’ll say it again: Ask for help if you need it.
How to Meditate
Meditation is simple. It’s a great way to start or end the day or to unwind after school. It’s been shown to reduce stress, depression, and anxiety. There are many ways to meditate. Free apps can guide you. Two we’ve used are “Stop, Breathe & Think” and “Smiling Mind.”
Here’s a simple meditation you can try.
After school or before bed, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Sit on the ground or in a chair. Set a timer—try five minutes at first. If you like it, you can try longer periods.
Sit with your back straight and close your eyes. Take a couple of deep breaths to settle.
Notice your breathing. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, and focus on the air flowing in. Feel your lungs inflating, your ribs expanding, and your body being filled with air.
Exhale slowly.
As you exhale, focus on the air leaving your body.
Your mind will probably wander. That’s normal. When you notice that it’s wandered, turn your attention back to your breathing and let your thoughts dissolve away.
You shouldn’t worry that thoughts are creeping in and distracting you. Just notice them and then bring your thoughts back to your breathing. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Continue to follow your breath as it flows in and then out. Each time you become distracted or your mind wanders, bring it back to your breathing.
Sit, breathe, and enjoy the stillness.
That’s all there is to it.
WEAN OFF THE SCREEN
While exercise and involvement with positive activities and peer groups help, research has shown that computer time can hurt. In a study of a thousand kids between ages twelve and seventeen, those who spent a lot of time on social media were five times more likely to report using tobacco, three times more likely to use alcohol, and twice as likely to admit smoking pot than those who spent minimal time online.
Another study showed that kids who were heavy gamers (those who played for thirty hours a week) were more likely to use drugs than moderate players (those who played for under nineteen hours a week). They were also more likely to be depressed, anxious, and have social phobias, all of which can contribute to drug use.
This doesn’t mean you need to take down your Instagram account or stop Snapchatting or playing video games. You just may want to be aware of how the time you spend online affects your moods. Shut things down occasionally. If you have a phone, switch it off for a few hours each evening. Set yourself a time limit for video games. Try it. See if you feel better.
Whatever you’re doing that keeps you up at night—chatting online, watching YouTube videos, doing homework, listening to music—you should also know that sleep-deprived kids have a higher risk of using than those who get a full night’s sleep. Experts recommend nine hours of sleep for teenagers, which can sound impossible at a time when you have afterschool sports and several hours of homework, spend hours on the web or texting, and then wake up for school at seven or earlier. But keeping a reasonable bedtime can help you feel better. Not only are teens who get enough sleep less likely to use drugs, but they also report feeling better and less stressed.
MAKE A PLAN
What happens when you’re faced with the choice to do drugs or not in a more direct way? If you enter a room with a bunch of people smoking pot and you’re offered a joint, you have two options: saying yes or saying no.
In that charged situation, you might go for it only because you feel pressured to. You may want to develop strategies in advance for getting through a night without using. In life, too, the skill of defining your boundaries, based on your goals for yourself, is a critical one. Many of us are socialized to please people. Learning to say no can be challenging, but it will serve you for the rest of your life.
Practice with your parents, other adults, or even like-minded friends. According to researchers who have tested numerous approaches, kids who practice certain tricks are better able to resist peer pressure than those who haven’t prepared in advance.
Kids have told us about many ways they’ve learned to go to parties but not drink or use. Some kids tell their friends they’re allergi
c or that they can’t use because addiction runs in their families.
One boy we talked to felt like he either had to go to parties and join in or stay home and feel isolated and out of it. But then a teacher recommended an alternative. Now he grabs a beer, takes it to the bathroom, pours it out, fills the can with water, and nurses it, refilling it as needed. “No one knows,” he says, “and I don’t have to feel like the only straight one too uptight to drink.”
You can do other things, as well. In a roundtable conversation, a boy mentioned telling his friends that his parents are drug-testing him even though they aren’t. “They’re cool about it,” he says. “No one’s ever hassled me or said, like, ‘Hey, come on, you can just have a hit of weed. Just one hit.’”
Kids who need help getting out of a situation but who worry about standing out or being ostracized for abstaining can call or text their parents or other adult with a preplanned “get me out of here” message that contains a code word. Parents see the code word (say, a relative’s name or a day of the week) and, as planned, call you and tell you that you have to come home for whatever reason—a family emergency, an early appointment the next day. You can hang up and complain about your parents, and meanwhile your parents are on their way to pick you up.
Nic
For me, I don’t think my drinking and using had much to do with peer pressure. I mean, no one ever pressured me into doing drugs. Although I definitely wanted to be cool, and I worried intensely about what other people thought of me. I guess the pressure came more from myself than from anyone else. But what I didn’t understand is that each of us is the center of our own universe. Everything we see, hear, feel, experience, is processed through our own consciousness. So we feel like everything that happens to us is the most important thing in the world—and in a way, it is, to us. But for everyone else, well, they’re experiencing the same thing. So they’re the center of their own universe, as well, and they’re thinking about all the things that are happening to them. When they lie awake at night, they’re not worrying about what other people did or didn’t do. They’re thinking about what they did or didn’t do.