by Jenn Vakey
I nodded, but her words didn’t give me any hope. She was right. Even I knew Rhydian kept himself protected. I had already gotten in, and he ended up hurt because of it. I didn’t think there was even a chance that he would be willing to take that risk again. No matter how much time I gave him.
The most I could hope for at this point was that we would eventually reach the point where we could be friends again.
We talked a little longer after that, then Aarys saw herself out. I really wanted to believe her. I wanted to have some of that positive outlook she had with the situation. But it wasn’t there. All I felt was pain and dread, and a deep understanding that I would never be able to get back what I’d had before. That eventually he would move on and find someone else, and I would be stuck here just watching him go on with his life.
It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, but my dreams did nothing to lessen my fears. Rhydian was there, looking at me the same way he had in the clearing that night. That look of utter defeat in his eyes as he told me over and over how I had destroyed him. How I had broken something so deep within him that there was no chance that it would ever be fixed.
Then I saw Lillith, still in that room from the pictures Adler had sent me. She didn’t cry anymore. Didn’t beg for me to get her out of there. Instead, her pain and sorrow had turned to anger. She told me that she wished I had been the one taken. That it was my fault she was in there while I was out enjoying my life, my time with a boy. That I was selfish in choosing my happiness over her life.
I begged and pleaded with her to forgive me. For both of them to. They just came together, though, standing side by side as they yelled at me. Told me I was toxic. That anyone I loved was cursed to a life of pain.
Then they were touching. Holding hands, holding each other. Seeking comfort from each other for all of the pain I had caused them. I wanted to be mad, to feel betrayed. But I couldn’t. They were right. Their pain was my fault. I had caused it, and there wasn’t anything I could do to fix it.
“I guess it’s my turn,” Dallin’s voice said behind me. I spun around to face him just as Rhydian and Lillith were moving together for a kiss. I wanted to be relieved that I didn’t have to see it, but the way Dallin was looking at me only hurt me more. He stood there, his body bruised and broken. “This is what I get for trying to help you out of situations that were your fault to begin with. I should have just left you in the children’s home when your mother died.”
My face was soaked with tears and sweat when I shot upright in bed. My breathing was coming so hard that it made my head feel faint. I told myself that it was just a dream, but I could still feel all of it. I could feel the hate they all had for me. The three people who meant more to me in this world than anyone else. And all I did was hurt them.
It was still early, the sun barely up, but I couldn’t make myself go back to sleep. I couldn’t see that again. Couldn’t see the way they looked at me. Couldn’t watch Rhydian touch Lillith the way he used to touch me.
So I grabbed some clothes and walked down the quiet hall toward the bathrooms. I stood under the scalding water in the shower, hoping there was some way to burn all of those images and feelings out of me. Wishing there was some kind of pill I could take that would make all of the feelings just go away. Turn me into a robot, able to move around and do what I needed to, but unable to actually feel anything.
When I got out of the shower, I wrapped myself in a towel and stood staring into the mirror. I needed a change. I wanted to run away and leave all of this behind. Had Lillith’s life not hung in the balance, I might have. Just walked out into the woods and not stopped until I found somewhere else to make a life for myself. But I couldn’t do that now. So, I did the only thing I really could in that moment to put a little distance between the girl I used to be and the one I was now. I grabbed the scissors that someone had left on the counter and started cutting.
CHAPTER FOUR
RHYDIAN
The sun was barely up when I walked out to the training field. I had resorted to doing a fair amount of my solo training in the mornings before breakfast. It was the only time I could come out that Leeya wasn’t likely to show. All of the sessions I had with other people I had been careful to schedule when I knew she would be working. It was just easier that way. It was so much harder to hold onto that anger when she was around. When I had to see how sad she was these days.
At first I had thought that it was nothing more than an act. That she felt like she had to try to act sad so I would get past being mad at her. Or at least past it enough that we could be in the same areas. It didn’t take long for me to notice that it wasn’t just a show, though. It wasn’t just when I was around. Or even when someone else was. There were times that I would see her when she was completely alone and she still looked like she was seconds away from crying. She even tried to hide it from me, like she had done last night. That’s why I had sent Aarys in to talk to her. To make sure she wasn’t planning on doing something stupid, like running off to Eden by herself.
When Aarys walked back out of her room, she just stared at me for several long moments. It actually started to worry me, wondering what exactly Leeya had told her. Then she simply said Orson and went to her room.
Of course Orson had upset her.
He was who I went to sit with when I walked into the dining hall for breakfast. It was a little strange being around him now. Not that he really noticed. He hadn’t even questioned my move to get between him and Leeya during that meeting when they first met. That ingrained desire to protect her, despite how angry I was. He was so caught up in the situation that I don’t think he even noticed.
Orson had no idea what had happened between Leeya and me in those weeks before he came back. No one did, which I was glad for now. It meant not having to answer questions I didn’t want to answer. I also had no desire to enlighten Orson about it. That didn’t change the fact that I had slept with the man’s daughter, though.
Leeya walked in just as I was sitting down. I almost didn’t recognize her at first. Her long brown hair had been cut short, and now looked a little choppy around her face.
“I have good news,” Orson said, pulling my attention away from her. “We have everything finalized. The family will be here tomorrow morning.”
“Really?” I asked, not wanting to look like I was questioning his decision. I couldn’t stop thinking about the risks, though. This was too important to take chances with. “I didn’t think we were going to move them if there was even a chance that the Sentry would grab them. We might know now that they’re keeping the Tainted, but everything we’ve learned says they are still killing the rest of the family members. And we know that things are being more closely monitored after what happened to Adler.”
Orson shook his head, not looking worried in the slightest. Sometimes I didn’t know if he knew things that he held back from the rest of us or if he was just overly confident. Most of the time I didn’t really care. This was different, though. We couldn’t take chances with this one.
“We set off a diversion on the other side of the city last night,” he said. “A power failure at the palace. It won’t look like anything more than a faulty circuit when they investigate, but they pulled every available Sentry over there. They had no issues getting out of the city undetected.”
“And what about the Sentry in the woods?”
“Auggie did a little damage yesterday morning,” he responded. “Harun reported back that they’d already returned to Eden. He’ll be watching for any more Sentry activity, but so far no one has seen anyone leaving.”
My heart started to race with excitement. We had been planning on moving the family two weeks ago, but things were halted after Leeya killed Adler. Orson was right. This really was good news.
“Who are we sending out to get them?” he asked. “There aren’t many options. There are only seven people who are cleared, and you can’t go for obvious reasons. Nor can Faida or Noella since they aren’t Tainted.”<
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He didn’t even bother explaining why he couldn’t go. He was our leader, and one of the people responsible for maintaining the wards. We couldn’t take the chance that the Sentry could get to him. Not even for something like this. When he did leave Alkwin, like when he visited other communities, he always took a back way through the wards. Never the archway.
I thought through the list of the people who actually were a part of this, already knowing both Jaron and Prestyn had other obligations, then realized he was leaving one out.
Oh, this should be fun.
“Eight people,” I said, taking a bite of my eggs.
His brow dropped, his face twisting like he was trying to run through the list again. “Who am I leaving out?”
“Leeya.”
Orson turned and looked to the table across the room where she was sitting. Aarys was playing with her hair. She smiled at her, but it wasn’t a real one. Just another one of those forced ones she had been painting on for people. The others could tell, and several had brought it up when she wasn’t around. They weren’t pushing her on it. Everyone just thought that it was nothing more than fears about her sister. Without knowing the truth, they had no idea that she had known all along that Lillith was alive in Alkwin. What they had all seen as a startling revelation that would have shaken her world had actually been a relief to her. The fact that they were holding everyone, not just Lillith, made her much safer than when she was being used as a pawn. So they never questioned that it might be something else entirely that had her upset. Like betraying me.
“I wasn’t aware my daughter had been told,” he said, then looked back to me.
I hid my smirk at the mention of her being his daughter, shaking off the anger that had started building again as best as I could. Leeya always gritted her teeth and made a frustrated noise anytime anyone mentioned it. It might be petty, but it was the reason I brought it up around her.
“She hasn’t been told,” I responded. “But she’s smart. She’s also been training harder than anyone else in camp, and she’ll provide good protection if there’s any trouble.”
He nodded, thinking about it for a moment. Then he said, “She’s less than thrilled about me being here.”
“She’s got a lot on her plate right now,” I explained, unable to keep my gaze from drifting back toward her. It was awkward talking about it, knowing very well that a good amount of that was actually because of me. Again, something that I hoped he never learned about.
“Is the only reason you’re trusting her with this secret because she’s my daughter?” he asked, and I pulled my attention away from her again. “Because, despite a blood relation, I don’t actually know anything about her. Not enough to know if she can be trusted.”
That familiar painful bite of betrayal snapped at my heart as I struggled to keep my expression from giving anything I was actually feeling away. I even tried to look offended that I would make such a sentimental call, but I wasn’t very sure how it came off.
The feeling was almost strong enough to make me reconsider my stance on this. But this wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about us.
“No, I’ve talked to her enough that I trust her with this,” I said. “Her ability to detect lies is a valuable asset at the archway anyway.”
“She was raised by a Sentry,” he said deadpan.
Before I could stop myself, I started to feel that instinctual sense of defensiveness when it came to her. The one that didn’t care at all what had happened between us. I hated it, but had been unsuccessful in keeping it buried.
It was made only worse because of who those doubts were coming from. Despite what Leeya might like to believe, he was her father.
“A Sentry that did everything he could to get those girls out of the city, and who has been helping us try to locate Lillith,” I reminded him. “And before you hear about it elsewhere, she was also best friends with the son of Othman Meltzer.”
Orson’s eyes widened in alarm. It was similar to the reaction I’d had when I was told, although I at least tried to hide it. “How do you know this?”
I shrugged, looking back down at my food. “She told me. I had people look into the kid. He’s a good guy, and more loyal to the girls than to his father. With how he feels about Lillith, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to consider tapping him in to help with this.”
It was a risk, but one I was actually comfortable with. Not that I would let him know, for obvious reasons, but I had put people on him for nearly a week after that night with Adler. Certain that her telling me about him at all had been a plot to earn my trust. That Paxton Meltzer had been in on this whole thing with Leeya. No matter how my contacts had gone about it, the guy hadn’t shown the slightest hint of being anything like his father. And Dallin trusted him.
Sentry or not, he wouldn’t have been able to fake his reaction to being told about Lillith. It was one of the reasons I had insisted on contacting him myself. I needed to know for sure. And now I did. Even when tempted with the opportunity to walk right into Alkwin, Dallin refused to leave Eden without his captured daughter.
Orson’s gaze turned almost accusatory as he leveled it at me. It sent a surge of panic through me that I had to fight to keep hidden. Any hint of a reaction like that from me would tell him far more than he needed to know. “You two seem to have talked quite a bit.”
I didn’t react, knowing he was watching for one. “She lost her sister the day after I lost my brother. I was also either there or the first person there all three times she had to kill someone. It gave us a little to talk about. Plus, there was also the fact that I didn’t trust her at all when she first got here, which resulted in a heated discussion. Those tend to be very revealing.”
“But you trust her now?”
Boy, that was a loaded question. All I could do was push down my feelings toward her and nod. “Enough to send her on this.”
It wasn’t a lie. I actually did trust Leeya with this. It was the rest of it that I was still having trouble with. I had no concerns that she would betray Alkwin again. I just didn’t trust her when it came to me. I couldn’t trust her not to hurt me again.
“Okay,” he resigned. “Find out who else is available and get it set up. They should be at the archway in the morning.”
CHAPTER FIVE
LEEYA
The only thing anyone wanted to talk about at breakfast was that there were members from one of the other camps coming in to make a move on the city. Hafan. A lot of them had family there, and there was no hesitation when we had reached out for help. Thinking about it made me picture that man that I had killed in the woods. The one that had tried to take a little boy named Jordi.
I didn’t want to ask if he was a member of the community that was coming in. I didn’t really want to know. If he was, that would mean that I would have to face these people knowing that I had killed one of them. It didn’t even matter that he had been trying to take a child. Had tried to take me.
Rhydian was already out on the training field when I walked back out. He was working with the children, training all of them that were old enough to learn how to fight. It didn’t take me long to work out that it was more than just a coincidence that he only trained people when I was busy doing other things. He was avoiding me.
I still had time before I actually needed to work, but I wasn’t going to force my presence on him. So instead, I walked out into the woods and found the place that he had taken me the last day before everything had changed. The clearing by the river that he had told me was going to be the spot for the house he planned on building. The house he had wanted to share with me.
I was surprised to see building supplies already stacked up there. It made sense, I guess. We had no idea how many Tainted people were being held with Lillith. How many more people would be coming to Alkwin when we moved in to get them out? There had already been a need for new housing before we learned of them. As for Rhydian, I imagined living across the hall from me wasn’t easy. There was on
ly so much he could do to avoid being around me. Nothing could really prevent those chance encounters when we walked out of our rooms at the same time.
Looking at the lumber that lay where the house would be build, I found myself considering what I would actually do when we got Lillith back. Maybe it would just be easier if we left Alkwin. We could see if there was room for us with the people from Hafan that were coming in. There, I could get a fresh start. Try to move on with my life. It was just too painful being here. Having to see him and being constantly reminded of what I’d lost. I missed him so much, more than I ever thought possible. It was so hard having to be around him.
Maybe that really was the best choice for me.
After leaving the river, promising myself that I wasn’t going to torture myself further by going back, I walked to the garden for my morning shift.
I liked working in the garden, because people rarely bothered me unless they had good reason to. I had also found that if I sat down, most people couldn’t even tell I was there at all. It kept me from having to fake smiles at people when they waved or stopped by just to say hello.
An hour passed in silence as I worked my way through the rows of plants. I had actually thought I’d make it until lunch without having to talk to anyone when Joury approached.
“I was looking for you,” she said, dropping her elbows down on the top railing of the fence. “I have to go out to meet some new arrivals in the morning. This one is hush hush, and you’re the only person on the list of people allowed to go who’s free. Can I count you in?”