“Oh Michael! What do you think?” Hannah cried out.
He raised his square glasses over his head. His face lit up.
“STUNNING!”
Hannah blushed when she heard that adjective come out of Michael's mouth. As I watched them discuss the ball planned on Friday night, all I could see were two people in love. There was no doubt about it: Michael was also infatuated by his charming roommate. He was just as excited as Hannah. How they could have hidden their love all this time remains a mystery to me. Anybody could see that they were meant for each other. When Michael headed to the bathroom to have a shower after a busy day painting on a large canvas, Hannah rushed over to share the sofa with me.
“How exhilarating!” she shrieked.
“I'm sure it's going to be a memorable ball!” I encouraged.
“Yes!”
She placed her hand on her hips and touched the soft satin dress one more time. Her facial expression started to change though. At first she seemed delighted, then it looked like fear entered her train of thought.
“I... I am nervous too...” she started to say.
“That's understandable. It's like a date!”
“Yes... Michael and I have known each other for a while now. I hope nothing will spoil it.”
“Of course not. What could go wrong?” I said, insinuating that nothing could possibly ruin their outing or their friendship.
“Well, last time we did this–”
“Last time?” I interfered. “You have dated before?”
“No, but we have been to a ball together. Like we will do on Friday.”
“And everything went well?”
“Yes... Yes, it did...” Hannah replied, unsettled by her answer.
But then she changed subject:
“Michael just told me that he has bought a tuxedo!” she said. “I'm only renting this dress, otherwise it would be too expensive.”
“You look gorgeous in it, Hannah,” I told her before she skipped to her room to get changed.
***
I dragged my feet all the way to my bedroom. Would I be able to focus on something this evening? Not sure. I looked vacantly out of my window and noticed that the storm had begun. Neighbours were gathering their clothes off washing lines and the staff from the little coffee shop just down the street was putting away the parasols protecting the tables. The fresh breeze had turned into a strong wind and everyone was rushing inside for safety before the lightning and thunder began. Its growling sound in the distance was getting closer. I, on the other hand, opened wide my window and invited the gust to disrupt my room for a few minutes. I guess I was hoping that the fresh air would blow my worries away. That the chaos that had appeared in my life would disappear with the wind. My sister would always say: there is always a happy ending. And if it's not happy yet, then it is not over.
God, I missed my sister.
Chapter 34
“I have highlighted in yellow the most important parts,” I said to Olivia as I handed over photocopies of the latest lessons.
While the shutters continuously banged against the frame of my bedroom window throughout the night's storm, depriving me of my beauty sleep, I got up and revised for my exams in a calmer place: the living room. And while doing so, I prepared ways for Olivia to catch up with everybody.
“Mrs Auteberry has given us this exercise to do,” I told her as I put another sheet of paper on her lap. “Give it a go, and I'll come back at the end of the week with the solution.”
“Please Mandy, stop doing this,” implored Olivia, who was particularly unsettled that morning.
“Give it a go,” I repeated while organising her papers from most to least important.
“Mandy, this is a waste of your time–”
“NO!” I pleaded loudly, a little short-tempered myself.
Olivia stared at me in shock; she wasn't expecting such a reaction. I even surprised myself and slightly hurt my voice. I sighed and placed my hands over my eyes.
“Sorry Olivia...” I managed to say. “I didn't mean to shout at you.”
“What's going on, Mandy?” she asked.
“Nothing... I just... I just want you to get better and take the exams with me.”
“I won't be able to...” she said gently, trying not to infuriate me. “I'm not getting better. That's why they've put this tube...”
“No, Olivia! I don't want to hear this!”
I stepped over to the window and gazed upon the hospital's neat garden that had been disturbed by fallen branches. The weather had calmed down by the time I made it to the hospital that morning, but my mind was still in a terrible turmoil. A short night's sleep hadn't helped in appeasing my distress. I wanted our lives to be back the way they were, before Chris showed up at our university. I needed it so badly.
“You're going to eat, feel better, study and take the exams,” I commanded Olivia.
My friend looked at me with her big blue eyes. They started to tear up as I returned to the edge of her bed.
“I'm feeling so weak, Mandy...” she said.
I too began to cry.
“I've lost the will to try,” she admitted as tears fell down her pale cheeks. “I can still remember the days when I would scoff my face with a full plate of pasta and melted cheese, or ask for a second piece of chocolate cake, or order in an extra large pizza... But it's as if the woman in these memories isn't me. She's a different person that I don't understand, because today all I see are calories on my plate. My body rejects any food. If I eat, I'll get fat.”
“If you don't eat, you'll die!” I cried out.
We held each other's hands.
“Please, eat Olivia,” I begged her. “I need you here with me. I've been having such a hard time without you. Please don't do this to yourself...”
I barely took a moment to breathe and continued to speak to the point that it wore me out.
“...You have never been overweight! Even if you were, would it be such a terrible thing? A little bit never hurt anybody! You would feel so much stronger if you ate! You know, it's not that difficult to–”
“I want to be loved!” Olivia confessed to interrupt my rambling speech. “I want to be loved,” she repeated, with tears uncontrollably falling onto her nightgown.
I took a moment to truly hear what my friend was telling me.
“Don't... Don't you feel loved?” I asked her, taken aback.
“I know that I am. I know I have family and friends I can count on. But I want to be... to be...”
“What?” I exhorted her to tell me.
“I want to be Jessica,” she replied.
“Jessica? Jessica Pearson?” I checked, dismayed.
“Yes. She is loved. Popular. Beautiful. Thin. She doesn't have to do anything to get anybody's attention. People want to be her friend. Chris chose her to be his girlfriend. And I'm... I'm invisible.”
“Olivia, you're not.”
“Really?” she investigated. “Has anybody at Uni asked where I am? Has anyone noticed my absence?”
Damn it. I didn't have a positive answer to that. Thankfully, an even better reply came to mind.
“Tommy mentioned that it was great when you hung out with them the other day.”
A smile suddenly appeared on my friend's face.
“What else did he say?” she asked, excited.
“He asked if we were going to watch the football match.”
“Oh, I do miss sitting in the park... Will there be any more games before the exams?”
“Yes,” I said, but I actually had no idea whatsoever.
I was willing to plan as many football matches I could, if it meant that Olivia would get out of bed and out of hospital.
As I walked away from the hospital and headed to class after lunch, I was stunned by how little I seemed to know my friend. Olivia confided in me a bit more that morning, revealing that her insecurities truly started when her father died. He had alwa
ys been more affectionate than her mother, and when he passed away, Olivia felt like she had lost a rope she could usually hold onto. She had never spoken of her father's death, not even with Mrs Ledford, until recently during therapy. Troubled emotions rushed back and reminded her of the sadness she felt when the one person who would never judge, shout, or reject her had passed away. Ever since, she had been desperately waiting for that caring shoulder that could bring her unconditional love and make her feel eternally safe once again. The problem was, she felt empty without her father's presence, and she had to come to realise that no rope could ever replace her dad's. She needed to be able to lean onto something new. Something sure. Something of her own. Self love.
Chapter 35
“Has anybody seen Chris?” asked Jessica as she sat down beside me on the freshly cut grass of the campus park.
She didn't even look up when speaking to us, too busy staring at the screen of her mobile. We all said no – we meaning Jim, Nolan, Helen and myself. I didn't hang out with them very often, but they kindly invited me over when they spotted me eating and watching the football match all alone. The game was boring, but more than anything else, it wasn't the same without Olivia. The other third-years also found the match to be particularly uninteresting that day, not for the same reason... They missed their goal keeper, the unbeatable teammate, the muscular figure, the entertaining comrade: the one and only, Chris Downes! I told them I hadn't noticed his absence. A lie, of course.
“He hasn't been answering my calls,” whined Jessica. “And he's been replying very briefly to my text messages.”
She couldn't help but check WhatsApp over and over again.
“Do you think he is ill?” asked Helen.
“If he is, then that is no excuse to ignore my calls,” commented Jessica, unimpressed.
“Knowing Chris, he's probably trying to get out of something!” suggested Nolan with a snickering laugh.
I kept my mouth shut, and secretly hoped he was alright.
“Well, I'm getting bored of his silence,” Jessica said, as she resolutely put her phone down on the grass between me and her. “So if any of you bump into him, tell him that I want him to call me right away!”
Everyone could see that Jessica hated not being in control of her love life. Come to think of it, she liked having control in bed too... “Jess doesn’t let me come before her”, I remember Chris telling me during Mrs Auteberry's class. I wished I hadn't heard that part. Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise. Too right, Thomas Gray! Knowledge can be poisonous and unhealthy. I certainly felt disgusting and sick to know such a thing about a girl who was practically a stranger to me.
Jessica's unhappiness and frustration drove her to have a go at somebody else's affairs.
“Look at Kelly over there,” she said as she looked towards the football pitch. “No wonder you only had a one-night-stand with her...”
We all guessed she was talking to Jim.
“What the hell's wrong with Kelly?” I asked Jessica, not amused by her cheap shot.
“What kind of man would want a sweaty and muddy girl rather than a sophisticated and graceful woman?”
HOW DARE SHE! Jim didn't react, so I decided to take charge of the situation.
“A man who appreciates a woman with character, strength and motivation!” I replied. “Three qualities that you don't have, Jessica!”
“You're just jealous because Chris is going out with me and not with you...” she answered back.
Another cheap shot.
“For the last time, I'm NOT jealous! I hate the guy!”
I must admit, it physically hurt my chest to say the word hate when speaking of Chris at that very moment.
“I've seen you two, whispering to each other... You've been trying to steal him from me since the very beginning!”
“Bullshit!” I screeched.
“Well, you'll never get him. You're practically as unfeminine as Sporty Spice over there, as well as being a prude!”
OH MY GOD! PRUDE? I could feel my cheeks turn red and hot in a split second. I had never been a rough or violent girl, but at that instant I reached out for Jessica's phone, and with all the power in my right arm, I threw her mobile into the air, making it fly almost across the entire football pitch! In a moment of luck, Kelly, who was unaware of the phone that had landed right in front of the football, ran over it, crushing it into half a dozen pieces. Perfect timing!
“MY PHONE!” screamed Jessica, making everyone in the park stare at us.
She left the group at once to fetch her smashed machine. The one-hundred-and-fifty meters to get to the pitch were hazardous for Jessica; it wasn't easy running so far in her swanky red high heels.
Jim, Nolan and Helen gave me a look of disbelief. Especially Nolan.
“Well... Amanda...,” he said, “I'm looking forward to Chris' return. It'll be fun to tell him about this!”
“There's nothing to tell,” I said.
They were soon distracted from me and went back to observing Jessica, who had almost arrived at the football pitch. Kelly had picked up the broken phone and was walking towards its owner to give it back.
“Better not tell her why Jess' mobile landed on the field in the first place...” Helen pointed out.
“Well,” I sighed while packing the end of my sandwich into my bag, “I'd rather not be here when Jessica returns. That's enough of her claptrap for today. See you all in class.”
I left the premises, and to my surprise, Jim followed me.
“Do you mind if I walk with you for a little while?” he asked.
“I'm not in the mood for your teasing,” I warned him.
“I won't. I actually wanted to talk to you about... Kelly.”
“...As long as you don't say anything insulting; she's my friend.”
“Has... Has she spoken to you about me?”
“I've heard enough about your morning together to know that you weren't much of a gentleman.”
“That's what I wanted to talk to you about...”
He had my full attention. What could he possibly have to say to defend himself?
“How... How is she?” he began.
“She's doing okay. Why not ask her yourself?”
“I'm afraid she hates me now...”
“How would you feel if you were her? You left the room as soon as you had finished your business, and when the secret came out, you made fun of the situation, rather than comfort her.”
“The thing is... Amanda... The thing... is...”
Whatever he wanted to say, he was taking an awful long time to spill it out.
“I... I too...” he mumbled. “I... Amanda, can you keep a secret?”
I can keep a secret from the whole world. Except Olivia.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I know that morning meant a lot for Kelly. And it did for me too. I thought she would notice...”
He went silent, but I still didn't understand what he was trying to tell me.
“Notice what?” I asked.
“That it was my first time, too.”
Ah. Not exactly what I would have wanted to know. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
“You should tell Kelly. Not me.”
“Please can you tell her, Amanda. I like her, but I got scared that morning... I thought she would notice my clumsiness and make fun of me. It turns out, I did exactly that to her, to protect my own secret. Please tell her I'm sorry, and I like her.”
I didn't enjoy being the messenger, but for the first time, I saw the real Jim. I was moved by him. So, I accepted his request. He thanked me, then congratulated me on making Jessica's phone fly. We parted ways, and I wondered how I got caught up in so many stories during my final year of bachelor's degree...
Chapter 36
Needless to say, I kept clear of Jessica the next day. And it turned out not to be a difficult task at all: Chris was back and she was all over h
im! He had turned up for the very last day of class. The next two weeks were going to be dedicated to revisions. While waiting for our ultimate Purchase and sale behaviours lesson to begin, I saw Jessica persistently kiss and peck Chris' bruised face in the corner of my eye. They had settled at the other end of the classroom. Jessica had slung her two legs over his under the table where they were seated. A gruesome scene to witness, to say the least. He seemed to enjoy it. I couldn't help but wonder if Jessica knew the true story behind his marked face, or if Chris had only told me. A part of me also wanted to discover whether he had found his father, and what had come of it. But I would have never authorised myself to ask him. Ignorance is bliss. Must. Never. Forget. That.
At lunch, I spent some time with Kelly and I informed her of Jim's secret and apology. I saw a weight lift off her shoulders when I said the words “He likes you”. After so much disappointment, she was relieved to hear that the man with whom she had lost her virginity wasn't indifferent to their morning together after all. On the contrary, it was a big deal for him too. During Mr Elliott's midafternoon class, Jim spontaneously sat next to Kelly, for the whole class to finally see that she meant a lot to him. My dear friend was happy and the humiliation that she had suffered for weeks was subsequently starting to fade away.
Throughout the last lesson of the day – Advertising – a little sheet of paper discretely found its way around the class, but never ended up in my lap. I was sitting at the back, on my own, and I asked myself if I had become invisible. Nobody even thought of passing the little note over to me; not even when the teacher, Mrs Knight, had left the room for ten minutes to make photocopies of the last case study. When our day at Uni had officially ended, I ran over to Kelly to ask what the secret paper was about.
“Oh... Mandy... I don't know how to tell you this... Erm, Jessica's having a party tonight at her place... You're not invited,” she said, uneasy.
“I see. Don't worry,” I assured her, “I don't mind at all.”
I was actually glad not to be included. Even if I was invited, I wouldn't have gone. I had no interest in seeing Chris and Jessica kiss and cuddle all night long, and I had better things to do: work on my revisions and visit Olivia. After we organised to meet each other at the library during the coming week, I wished Kelly a lovely weekend. I was about to head to my bus stop when I heard Chris' voice stop me in my tracks.
To be loved Page 13