I open my arms and my friends and I share a group hug. I’ve felt closed off from them for a while now, my own doing, but now I feel like we’re back to where we always were. I’m fucking lucky to have them in my life.
Stepping back I clear my throat. “I’ll keep you guys updated.”
They nod their appreciation and I head back down the hall to join Kira in her room.
Another hour passes and when she’s checked again Kenzie gives an apologetic smile. “You’re progressing very slowly, and the baby’s heart rate is beginning to drop. We’re going to watch things for a little while longer, but if his heart rate drops any more we’re going to have to do an emergency c-section. I don’t want to scare you, c-sections are normal and nothing to worry about, but I know it’s not ideal or what you had planned, so I want you to know that’s where things are looking like it’s headed so you can prepare yourself.”
Kira bursts into tears and I don’t know what to fucking do. It’s a helpless feeling watching the woman you love try to bring your child into the world and you can tell it’s wearing on her. Then, something like this happens and throws an even bigger wrench into things.
“Kira…” I begin, but it’s pointless, because I know she can’t hear me over her sobs.
“I’m sorry,” she blubbers. “I know we have to do what’s best for him, but I wasn’t expecting this. I-I’m s-sorry.” Her whole body begins to shake with her sobs.
I wipe her tears away with my thumbs, wishing I could just as easily make this whole thing better for her.
I hate feeling helpless and out of control, but when it comes to having a baby, I’m not sure there’s any other feeling.
Mia brushes Kira’s hair from her damp forehead. “No matter what happens you’re going to rock this.”
I wipe away another tear from Kira’s cheek. “Whatever’s best for the baby, we have to do.” She turns to me with pleading eyes, seeking my approval.
“That’s right,” I agree. “And you might not have to.”
I’m trying to be optimistic for her and myself. It fucking terrifies me to think about them cutting her open to get the baby out.
It isn’t long before the doctor enters the room with a forlorn expression.
“I’m afraid his heart rate is still dropping,” Dr. Wren tells her. “We’re going to get you prepped and into the operating room as quickly as we can.” She pats Kira’s leg covered by a blanket. “I don’t want you to be scared or worried, so if you have any questions let me know.”
Kira swallows thickly. “Is he going to be okay?”
“He’s going to be fine. We just can’t leave him in there any longer, okay?”
Kira nods. “Do what you have to do, Doc.” She sounds resigned, but her eyes hold a flare because in every fiber of her being she’s a fighter.
Things start to move quickly with a flurry of activity as people move in and out of the room. Mia says her goodbyes and goes to join the others in the waiting room. A nurse hands me scrubs to put on and I yank them on over my clothes.
Kenzie adjusts a hair net onto Kira’s head and smiles at me. “It’s almost show time, Daddy. You wait here and we’ll take her back to the operating room to get prepped. I’ll come back and get you. It won’t be long.”
“Okay.” My voice croaks on the word. I grab Kira’s hand and bend down to press a soft kiss to her lips. “I love you. I’ll be back by your side, where I belong, in no time.”
“I know.” Her lips curve into a smile. “We’re going to have a baby.”
I chuckle, kissing her knuckles. “Yes, we are.”
“All right, I’ve got to take her away now,” Kenzie says, and I step back.
I watch Kira being wheeled away and feel like a huge chunk of my heart has been yanked out. I hate being separated from her in this moment, even if I know it’s only for a few minutes time.
I pace the mostly empty hospital room as I wait. I feel close to ripping my hair out waiting for Kenzie to return, as promised, to take me to the operating room.
I don’t like the thought of Kira being alone in a clinical operating room while they prep her, but I know she’s strong and is probably handling this whole thing better than I am. She’s stronger than I’ll ever be.
Before I wear a hole in the floor I sit my ass down on the plastic looking couch. I cover my face in my hands and exhale a breath.
I’ve known for months we’re having a baby, that one day he’d be here, but I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel when the day came. I’m scared shitless knowing this new life is going to depend on me. I want to be a good dad, the kind of man who raises my son to be respectful and care for others. I want to teach him things and spend time with him the way my father did with me. I know I can do it, but it’s still fucking scary to think about. A child is the biggest commitment you can make. Fuck those people who say it’s only until your kid is eighteen—this is for life.
“We’re ready for you,” Kenzie says softly, interrupting my thoughts.
I say a small prayer and exhale a heavy breath before I slowly stand on my feet.
I follow Kenzie through the halls and down the elevator to the operating room.
Seeing Kira strapped to a table, a blue paper screen blocking her view, knocks my breath out of me. I love her and seeing her helpless like this feels like a hand has reached into my chest and squeezed my heart.
I sit down beside her on a stool and she turns her head toward me. Her brown eyes are swimming with barely contained tears and it chokes me up. I wish I could erase all this for her, that she didn’t have to go through this, but I can’t. All I can do is be her rock, her foundation.
I brush my fingers over her cheek. “We’re going to meet our son.”
She nods and sniffles. “This isn’t what I wanted.”
“I know.” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “God, I know, Kira. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“But I want him to be okay. He has to be okay.” She nods her head rapidly, her teeth chattering.
“I know you do, baby.” I keep rubbing her cheek, refusing to not touch her.
“What if he’s not okay? What if they’re not telling us something?” Her voice becomes hysteric.
“Shh,” I hush her. “This baby is made of both of us, and since we’re both tough as shit he’s going to be doubly tough.”
A small laugh bubbles out of her throat and then she grimaces as they do something to her.
I’m not even paying attention to what they’re doing or saying. Kira is my sole focus. I want to keep her distracted, centered, because right now she doesn’t need to think about them cutting her open to get to our baby.
“It’s been almost a year since I first saw you,” I murmur and her eyes drift back to me. “I had no clue when I saw you what you’d come to mean to me. You’ve changed my life, Kira. I’ll never stop being grateful to you for showing me the light again.”
“I thought you were a hot asshole the first time I saw you.” Her eyes twinkle with something other than tears. “I didn’t want anything to do with you.”
“And then,” I lower my mouth to her ear, “you got an eyeful of my cock and couldn’t resist.”
Her lips twitch with laughter. “What can I say? It was highly impressive through those gym shorts.”
“And even better in person, am I right?”
She doesn’t answer me as her face screws up. I hear the doctor say she’s going to feel a lot of pressure.
“Stay with me,” I tell her. “Focus on my voice. I’m with you, always.”
Another minute passes and then…
A cry.
More like a wail as our son says, “Hello, I’m here. I’m real.”
The doctor lifts our son up and over the divider so we can see him.
Even covered in blood and God knows what else, he’s still the most amazing thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on.
“Fuck, he’s beautiful, Kira.” I lean over to kiss her forehead.
“
Go with him,” she pleads with me, tears spilling out of her eyes, as they carry him away.
“But—”
“I’m fine,” she says with surprising strength. “Go with him. That’s what I want.”
With one last press of my lips to her skin, I pull away and go to be by our son’s side.
He wails as a nurse wipes him clean and gets his measurements.
He looks so fucking small to me. How am I not going to break him? He’s barely the size of a football.
After he’s cleaned and swaddled with a hat hiding his tuft of dark hair the nurse holds him out to me.
I stare at her blankly, my arms hanging at my sides. “Uh … what do you want me to do?”
I’ve never held a fucking baby before and I don’t want to drop him. That would not score me any dad points.
She gives a small laugh. “Just hold your arms like I have mine and be sure to support his head. That’s all.”
“But … he’s so small.”
“Babies are small.” Her grin tells me she’s amused by my reluctance.
Taking a deep breath, I hold my arms like she has hers and she slips him into my hold.
I’ve never understood the term takes my breath away, but in this moment my child has rendered my lungs of the ability to breathe.
Rocking him in my arms I carry him over to Kira and sit down on the stool at her side once more.
She tilts her head, peering at his small wrinkled face.
“He kind of looks like a pug.” She stifles a laugh. “But a very cute pug.”
“He’s perfect.” I rub my index finger against his soft cheek.
“He’s so little,” she remarks.
“Just over six pounds,” Kenzie responds, coming to Kira’s other side. “How are you feeling?”
“Uncomfortable, but it’s tolerable.”
Kenzie gives a small smile. “You’ll be in recovery soon and you can do skin on skin with him.”
As Kenzie walks away to tend to something, Kira lifts her eyes to mine. “Are you going to share this brilliant name with me now? I don’t want to keep calling him Baby.”
I chuckle as our son tries to open his eyes. “I’ve never seen anything more perfect.”
I tilt him in my arms so Kira can see him better.
“He has a butt-chin,” she remarks. “I knew it. But he is pretty perfect.”
I kiss his forehead, and I can’t believe how soft his skin is. “As for his name…”
“Yes?” she pleads and I grin.
I’ve held out this long and now I’m worried she won’t love the name as much as I do—won’t see the utter perfection of it.
“His name is Phoenix,” I murmur, looking from our son to her.
“Phoenix?” she repeats, crinkling her nose in contemplation.
Before she has the chance to open her mouth and voice her veto I explain my choice as I gaze down at my son, ironically wiggling his nose like his mother.
“Yes, Phoenix, because he’s our redemption. From our ashes came him. He’s our rebirth.”
When I turn my eyes to Kira, I find hers shimmering with tears.
“It’s perfect,” she breathes. “Just like him.”
In the chaos and despair of our lives, this tiny soul was created, and in him I see more than our redemption.
I see our future, and it’s fucking beautiful.
59
Kira
Finally back in a regular room, and nearing one in the morning, a new nurse hands me my son and presses him against my bare breast. Like a hungry little fiend, he searches for my nipple and latches on. His tiny fist rests against my chest and his dark lashes fan his cheeks.
Rush hovers over the both of us, a physical protective shield.
“He’s a natural,” the nurse says with a smile. “I’m going to leave you two alone, but don’t hesitate to push your call button.”
“Thank you.” My voice trembles with emotion. I’ve never felt so happy, sad, confused, and hopeful all at once.
While I was in recovery Rush let everyone know the baby was here, and I was doing well, before sending them on their way with instructions to come back tomorrow to meet him. I wish Mia could’ve been with me in the operating room, but only one person could be with me. Naturally, I chose Rush.
Now, I’m so thankful to have this moment just the two of us … three—there are three of us now.
Phoenix is only in his diaper, but I grab a swaddle from the bed and drape it over us. I don’t want him getting cold. As promised, Mia went and got my bag for me and dropped it off.
“You should sit down.” I peer up at Rush as he leans over us, his large hand hovering over Phoenix’s head.
“I don’t want to,” he murmurs in awe.
Ever since Phoenix came screaming into the world, Rush has barely taken his eyes off of him.
“I can’t believe he’s barely over six pounds,” I remark, rubbing my finger over his downy hair. His dark curls seem to be the only thing he got from me, because even though he’s only a few hours old there’s no mistaking who his father is. He’s Rush’s brunette clone. There’s always the chance his eyes could turn brown later on, but something tells me they’re going to be the same deep ocean blue as his father’s. “I thought he was going to be huge,” I admit with a small laugh when Phoenix gives a small hiccup but immediately goes back to suckling.
“He’s a few weeks early, if he’d kept cooking he would’ve been a lot bigger.”
“That’s true,” I agree. “God,” I breathe out, feeling tears fill my eyes once more, “I can’t believe he’s actually here. I can’t believe I have him and you. It’s more than I ever allowed myself to dream of. I love you, Rush.” The words leave me in a torrent, filled with more feeling than I knew I possessed.
“I fucking love you.” Rush kisses the side of my head as tears fall down my cheeks. “Thank you.”
“For what?” I look up at him, confusion marring my brow. His tousled blond hair tumbles into his eyes and he sweeps it back with his fingers.
“For loving me despite my faults.”
Reaching with my arm that’s not cradling Phoenix I touch my hand to his. “I love you for them, because it makes you human.”
Phoenix finishes nursing and since I’m sore from surgery, Rush changes his diaper. One of the nurses showed him how and he’s a pro at it already. I shouldn’t be surprised. I think Rush strives to succeed in all things.
He puts the baby in one of the sleepers I had packed in my bag and swaddles him—sloppily, he hasn’t mastered that one yet—before rocking him to sleep in his arms. He gently lays Phoenix in the bassinet as I struggle to keep my eyes open.
“Go to sleep, Kira.” He kisses my cheek before kicking off his shoes and hooking his thumbs in the back of his t-shirt to take it off.
“I just want to keep staring at him.”
He grins, stretching out on the uncomfortable looking couch in his jeans. “He’ll still be there when you wake up.”
“You sure?” I crack a smile.
“Positive.”
Even though I don’t want to, there’s no fighting it and sleep claims me.
Phoenix wakes us up several times in the night to nurse and have his diaper changed. He doesn’t even cry much when he grows hungry, he just stirs and makes these little noises.
Now, the sun is entirely up and I munch on a chicken biscuit Rush snagged for me from the Chick-fil-A in the hospital. While I eat, Rush sits in a chair doing skin-to-skin with Phoenix, who sleeps peacefully on his father’s tattooed chest. Rush rubs the baby’s back humming softly.
I didn’t think it was possible for me to love him more, but here we are.
“Why are you smiling at me like that?” He doesn’t even lift his eyes away from Phoenix, he simply knows.
“Because you’re hot.”
His chest rumbles with laughter. “Keep talking like that and we’ll have another one of these soon.” Phoenix emits the tiniest yawn and I swear my
ovaries weep.
“I’d be okay with that.” The words pass through my lips in a quiet whisper.
His head snaps up and a grin tugs at his mouth. “That so?”
I never wanted kids, ever, but things change. “Yes. At least one more.”
“I want a whole brood. This is what life’s about.”
Hearing Rush say that warms my heart, because I know after losing his parents he never wanted a family either. Somehow the two of us found each other and within ourselves found the power to forgive and embrace a future we thought didn’t belong to us.
“Knock, knock,” Mia’s voice sounds by the doorway.
I turn my head and a smile breaks across my face when I see her, Hollis, Fox, Cannon, and Calista hovering outside.
“Come in you guys.” I wave them inside, stifling a grimace. A c-section is no joke. My body feels like it’s been split open and I’ve been turned inside out.
They pour inside and I notice some of them carry gifts for the baby. Calista even holds an IT’S A BOY balloon.
Mia peers over Rush’s shoulder at the baby’s face. “Oh my God, he’s precious,” she coos, touching his nose. “Does he have a name?”
She looks from Rush to me, begging for an answer.
I give Rush a nod for him to tell them. “Meet Phoenix Daniels.”
“Aww, it’s a perfect name,” Mia cries, clapping her hands together.
“He’s pretty cute, I guess,” Calista adds, crinkling her nose.
“It’s fucking weird seeing you hold a baby,” Hollis blurts.
“But he looks like he’s a fucking natural at it,” Cannon adds in.
Fox tilts his head to the side, appraising the baby. “I can’t believe you have a kid.”
I smile to myself as I look at the three friends crowding around Rush. Those boys grew up together, have been through so much over the years and always there for each other, and now … here’s this new life joining the bunch.
I guess it’s like they say, the circle of life.
“You’re next,” I tell Mia. “He needs a friend.”
Wild Flame (The Wild: A Rock Star Romance Book 2) Page 45