My father took a few sips of his scotch, put the glass down on the table, and slid it over to me. “So how are you going to fix this?”
I picked up the glass and drank gratefully. That was the golden question, the one that held all the weight of the world in its answer.
I sighed and slid the glass back to him. “Not a damn thing I can do. I’m going to let her go.”
My father nodded. “I think that’s the right choice.”
“It hurts.”
He nodded again. “As it should. You love her. You’ve always loved her. Claire was your only reprieve from Lina Nelson. She was the only person who made you forget. And she was stolen from you too early. Much too early, son. And I’m sorry you had to live through that grief. But there will be someone else out there for you. Someone who fits with you and Asher.”
“It could have been her,” I whispered. There had been room in my heart for Lina from the minute I’d first laid eyes on her—from the first time I heard her laugh. She was the one who got away. The one I let go but never forgot. And all of this had been the closest I would ever get to living that reality.
“It could have been,” my father said.
That didn’t make me feel better. “Why do I destroy everything I touch?”
“You don’t, Cal.”
“I do,” I said, my voice dripping with desperation. “I had Lina when we were kids, and I cut her loose like she was extra baggage. And then with Claire—”
“What happened to Claire was not your fault.”
“Yes, it was,” I snarled. I hadn’t meant to, but the sound came out of me anyway.
My father didn’t flinch or shy away. He just closed his eyes, took a breath, and opened them again. “Claire’s death was a terrible accident. Nobody was at fault. You hear me? Not a damn person. There was nothing that could have been done to save her.”
“I could have saved her.”
My father shook his head. “No, Cal. Death is greedy. When it comes, it doesn’t spare anyone. Claire was just supremely unlucky to have been on the road that night.” He slid the scotch back to me.
I polished off the rest of the glass and put it back down on the coffee table, hard. Memories of the night I’d found out my wife had died flickered in my mind. The cop who showed up at my door had her scarf in his hands. A yellow scarf. It had been stained with her blood. I couldn’t wash it out.
Lightning had struck a telephone pole, and it fell across her windshield when she was driving home. The electricity killed her instantly. The medical professionals assured me she wouldn’t have felt a thing. She might not have even been aware that it had happened.
Secretly, I had always believed they only told me that to make me feel better.
“Cal?” my father asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I lifted my gaze to meet his.
“You do not destroy everything you touch. You still have me. And you’ve been a wonderful father to Asher. He’s an incredible little boy because of you. And you help people at your firm every day. You’re a good man. A man I am proud to call my son. You made mistakes with Lina, but people make mistakes. The good news is you can learn from this. Let go. Move on. Hold well wishes in your heart for her.”
I buried my face in my hands and shook my head. “Fuck.”
My father chuckled, and I peered at him through my fingers.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Fuck. It’s the only word in the dictionary that can express every human emotion. And it really is perfect for this moment. Fuck.”
I slumped back on the couch and felt a weak smile tugging at my lips as I nodded. “Fuck.”
32
Lina
I had tried to convince Nick to drop me off at the first motel we passed. It was a little run down, sure, but I wanted to get out of his car as soon as possible. I couldn’t stand to let him see me cry, and the way he turned on the radio and cranked the volume so I could just let it out without my sobs filling up the car was kind. It made me cry harder. Maybe that was what he wanted. As a dad, he must know that sometimes, you just have to get it all out, snot bubbles and all.
He flat out refused to leave me at that seedy motel. He told me to sit tight. He knew the place he was taking me to, and it wasn’t far.
He ended up parking in front of a much nicer, cleaner, modern building. It was a big place with four stories and big balconies on every room. He walked me into the lobby, and when I tried to book a room and the girl behind the desk asked for my identification, I faltered.
Nick took over, booked the room, and paid for it. I insisted he let me cover the cost, but he wouldn’t hear it. When I explained I had no idea how many nights I’d need to be there, Nick said it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I was comfortable. He left his credit card information at the front desk and told them to charge everything I ordered up to my room to his card.
When I got my head on straight, I would have to find a way to thank him for his generosity.
He left me with a hug and told me everything would be okay. He patted my back in a paternal sort of way, and when I held on to him for a minute longer, he didn’t say anything. He just stood there and held me like he knew how badly I needed it.
And God, did I need it.
I had never felt so alone.
After Nick left, the girl behind the desk gave me my room keycard and told me I was on the top floor and down the hall to the right. My room had a view of the pool down below apparently. She told me robes and towels could be found in the closet.
I was too miserable to even think about going for a dip in the pool, so most of what she said went in one ear and out the other.
When I got to my room, I shouldered the door open and went straight to the bed to put my bag down. I looked around, finding the place much nicer than I’d expected—but not as nice as the room Cal and I shared in New York.
That was okay. I didn’t want to be reminded of our time there anyway.
I turned on the TV and put on some mindless sitcom for background noise. I ended up watching a bit of it before I pulled out a menu from the top drawer of the nightstand to order room service.
I called, ordered, and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the TV, until the knock came at the door. I let the staff member in, who put the tray of food down on my bed. They left after I tipped them, and I sat and ate by myself.
Then I stripped out of my clothes and put on the robe from the closet. I curled up in the dozens of pillows on the bed, pulled the blanket over my lap, and flipped through the channels on the TV, looking for something I could get sucked into.
Anything would be better than sitting there with my thoughts.
All I could think about was him.
It made no sense. Even though I was furious with him and felt betrayed, I still missed him, and he was the only person I wanted to be with. He was the one I knew would be able to make me feel better just by gathering me up in his arms and holding me.
But he was also the one responsible for making me feel so horrible.
I turned off the TV and went into the bathroom where I washed my face and brushed my teeth. The chances of me being able to get any sleep tonight were slim to none, but I was still holding steadfast to my routines. I needed to do something to stay sane, even if it was as simple as flossing and putting on chapstick.
When I was about to climb back into the bed, there was a knock on the door.
I froze with the blankets drawn back and looked over my shoulder.
“Who is it?” I called.
Nobody answered. I frowned, knowing who it was.
Cal.
Whatever he had come to say to me, I didn’t want to hear it. I wasn’t ready. I needed to sit with my own thoughts for a little while and try to make heads or tails of the whole mess. I needed to figure out who I was without him in my life. And maybe that meant things would never be what they were. Maybe it meant he and I would have nothing to do with each other.
I sighed and went to the door. I had to at least tell him to leave.
I opened it. “Cal, I don’t have anything to say to you right now.”
But the person at the door wasn’t Cal. It was a pretty young woman in a wheelchair. She had sandy blonde hair that she’d tucked behind her ears and lovely green eyes that struck me with familiarity.
“Oh,” I said. “Hi. I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.”
“You thought I was Cal,” she said knowingly.
I nodded. “Do you know him? Wait, did he send you?”
The girl smiled and shook her head. “No, but his father called me and told me you were here. At first, I wasn’t going to come, but then I realized I was being a bad friend. How are you, Lina?”
A bad friend? So, we knew each other. At least, she knew me, and I had known her in the lifetime I could no longer remember. But those eyes of hers were registering something in my brain. It wasn’t as concrete as recognition, but it was like a little tickle in my mind, a whisper that she was someone special to me.
I licked my lips. “I’m all right.”
“Can I come in?”
I stepped aside and held open the door. She rolled her wheelchair in through the open door and stopped when she was in the middle of the room. She turned herself around and motioned for me to sit in front of her on the edge of the bed. I went and sat.
I perched my hands on my knees and watched her nervously. “I’m sorry. But who are you?”
“My name is Kelli. I’m your best friend.”
I blinked. “Really?”
She nodded but looked down at her lap. What was that expression? That frown? Shame? Guilt? When she lifted her gaze back to me, she sighed. “Yes. We grew up together, Lina. We’ve been inseparable since childhood. When your mother and father passed away, it was my family you came to live with. My mother’s name is Judy. My father’s name was Neil.”
“Cal told me.”Kelli tucked her hair behind her ears. “I guess he told you that my dad passed away in the spring?”
“I’m so sorry.” And I was. Even though I couldn’t remember him.
“I know.” Kelli smiled sadly. “You called me from New York when you heard what happened, and you stayed on the phone with me for three hours until I stopped crying and you got me laughing. You were the only one who knew what to say to me to make me feel better. The only one who didn’t just tell me over and over that everything would be all right.”
My throat tightened. “I wish I could remember.”
“Me too. But you will. I know you will, Lina. You have to. We have too many good memories together for you to just let it all go. One day, all the pieces will settle back into place, and you’ll remember.”
I knew that what she told me was the truth. She was my best friend. No other person would have been able to ease my mind the way she just had with just a few words. “Thank you.” I rubbed my hands up and down my thighs. “Why haven’t I seen you before now, Kelli?”
Kelli bit her bottom lip. “Something happened between us. Something bad. And I wasn’t ready to see you. I was mad at you. If I’m being honest, I still am.”
“What did I do?” I asked, but as soon as the words left my lips, I knew the answer. I knew the cost of the mistake I had made. “Oh God. I did this to you.”
“It was an accident.”
“How long are you in the chair for?” I asked. I felt ill, like something sharp had made a home in my stomach, and every breath I took made it move, pricking at my insides.
Kelli didn’t look me in the eye. “Forever, Lina.”
The sharp creature inside me stretched, and pain unlike anything I had ever known shot through me. I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t dare look at her as my walls crumbled and I broke down. How could I have been the sort of person who would jeopardize my best friend’s safety like that?
“Lina, please don’t cry. This isn’t why I came to see you. I didn’t want to make you feel worse. Accidents happen. I see now that you weren’t trying to hurt me. I just needed time to come around and wrap my head around everything.”
I shook my head. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I know, Lina, but listen to me.” She reached out and put her hand on mine. “I forgive you. Do you hear me? I forgive you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“But I do,” she said. “And that’s my decision to make. I was really, really angry. And sometimes, that anger comes back with force. But I need my best friend to help me through this. And I think I can help you, too.”
I shook my head. “I don’t deserve that.”
“Stop it,” Kelli said firmly. “What you didn’t deserve was to be abandoned by your best friend because she was so wrapped up in her own self-pity that she pushed you away when you needed her the most.” Kelli’s eyes were glassy. She licked her lips and swallowed. Her hand closed in a fist over my fingers, and she gave me a reassuring squeeze. “We both should have been there for each other. We both made mistakes. I want to rectify them. Please come home with me, Lina. You shouldn’t stay here by yourself. Let me help you.”
I blinked away tears. “You really want that?”
She nodded. “I really do. I promise. We can help each other through this, Lina.”
Nothing sounded better than that. It also sounded too good to be true. “Are you sure you’re not just going to drive me out to the middle of nowhere and leave me? I’d deserve it.”
Kelli laughed. She actually laughed. The sound was like music to my ears, and it was a familiar song, too. Maybe she was right. Maybe she was the person I needed by my side to help me remember my old life, a life that Kelli was apparently a big part of. “I won’t leave you, Lina. Never again. I swear it.”
I swallowed, and then I nodded. “Okay. Yes, please. I want to get out of here and go with you.”
“Good, because my arms are tired, and I need you to push me back out to the car.”
We both smiled at each other. I got to my feet, packed up my things, and changed out of my robe. When I was ready to go and about to open the door, I looked back at her. “Kelli, may I ask you something?”
“You can ask me whatever you need to.”
“Was it really Nick who called and told you where I was?”
Kelli smiled. “No.”
33
Callum
I’d been awake since four in the morning. My ceiling was no distraction from my thoughts, which were all about Lina.
I missed her.
She was all I thought about. It had only been a day, sure, but it felt like an eternity, especially after having her presence in my house for the last couple of weeks. Not hearing her voice down the hall in morning, talking to Asher, was a bitter reminder that she was gone. That she had left me.
That I had pushed her away with my dishonesty.
I sighed and draped my wrist over my eyes, blocking out the glare of the winter sun streaming in through the window. It was open by about half an inch, and cold air was pouring in, nipping at my skin as the sun warmed it in unison. It was a refreshing feeling, but it did nothing to ease the loneliness in my soul.
I was right back where I started. I was alone.
I was the same widowed husband I’d been before Lina came in and filled up the dark hole that had existed in me since Claire died. I knew that was why I had held on so tight. I had wanted to keep her here with me forever, even if that meant she never remembered her old life.
“You’re such a selfish asshole,” I muttered to myself as I let my wrist fall from my eyes.
I stared back up at my spackled ceiling. Even it seemed disappointed in me.
I was jerked away from my self-loathing thoughts when I heard my bedroom door creak open. I rolled my head to the side as Asher padded into my room, barefoot and dressed in his Christmas pajamas. He yawned and gave me a sleepy smile.
I rolled onto my side and propped my head up. “Morning, Ash.”
“Morning, Dad,�
� he said. His voice was quieter than usual from sleep. He yawned again.
I patted the open space on the bed beside me, the space where his mother used to sleep on her side. I’d wake up with a mouthful of her dark hair at least once a week. “Come here, kiddo.”
Asher climbed up on the bed and curled up as I pulled him against me and rested my chin on his head. “How’d you sleep?”
“Good,” he said. “I had a dream about a seal.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked.
“Yeah. His name was Sealy, and he lived in our bathtub, and we made a big pool for him in the backyard. His favorite food was pizza, and he would do tricks for it. But he hated ham and pineapple.”
“Sounds like a seal with good taste.”
“Can we get one?” he asked.
I laughed and kissed the top of his head. “I don’t think it would go how it went in your dream, Ash. Seals need a lot of open water to be happy. They need to swim long distances and catch their own fish to eat. He might be happy with us for a week or so, but then we would have to let him go so he could be happy.”
Asher twisted around to lie on his stomach. He rested his elbows on the bed and put his chin in his hands as he regarded me with too much seriousness for any self-respecting five-year-old. “Is that why Lina had to leave? Because she wasn’t happy here?”
Oh shit. I walked right into that one. Sometimes, I forgot how inquisitive and clever my son was. I sighed and rested my hand on his back, rubbing in slow circles. He loved back rubs and always had. It was how Claire used to put him to sleep when we first crib trained him. “Sort of, Ash. Sort of.”
“Why wasn’t she happy?”
“Well,” I said, trying to figure out the best way to explain this without breaking his little heart into a billion pieces, like my own. “This isn’t her home. She had a whole life before she came to stay with us. The more time that passed, the more complicated things got, and the more Lina wanted to remember. That’s why we went to New York. We had to start finding bread crumbs that might lead her back to her old memories. Does that make sense?”
My Holiday Reunion: A Second Chance Holiday Romance Page 19