by Iris Morland
During dinner, Violet said little. Ethan and Isabella chattered enough to fill any silence from the adults. Vera shot Violet a few concerned looks, but Violet pointedly avoided her sister’s gaze. Her issues were her own problem. Violet wasn’t going to burden Vera with them when she had a family to think about.
Violet went up to her room for some alone time after dinner. She looked out the window, the night skyline twinkling with the city’s lights. She couldn’t help but wonder what Ash was doing right then. Had he moved on from her? Had he already found another woman to take home to his bed? The thought made her ill.
Ash had texted her multiple times after she’d left his place that morning, but she’d ignored him every time. He’d called her, too, and she’d listened to the voicemails because with Ash, she had no self-control. Even though his voice had been filled with hurt and frustration, she’d listened to those voicemails so many times she’d memorized them. She’d then forced herself to delete them and had blocked his number. After that, he hadn’t attempted to contact her again through other means.
It was better this way, she reasoned. Ash had gone behind her back, taking out a loan under his own name to pay off her debt. She’d never asked him to do that, and she certainly never would have. She had her pride, too, and having another man think that she was incapable of managing her own affairs only fueled her anger toward not only Ash, but William, too.
She knew now that her marriage hadn’t been perfect. William had made mistakes, and so had Violet. She still blamed herself for going forward with her business at a time when William was having issues with work, but sometimes in the dark of the night, she wondered if he would’ve still stolen from her regardless of whether or not she’d started a business. Maybe not stealing money, but stealing her time. Her confidence. Stealing the love that she’d had for him.
Violet dug her fingers into the window frame. Why had Ash been so intent on showing her the truth about William, though? Why had he needed to prove to her that her marriage had been a massive failure? Strangely enough, in that moment she was angrier with Ash for uncovering the truth than she was with William for his betrayal.
She knew that that line of thinking was absurd, nonsensical. She knew that anyone would tell her she was being grossly unfair to Ash. But her emotions were so tangled up with anger and grief that it was like she’d trapped herself inside the complicated web.
“Can I come in?” Vera knocked lightly before pushing open Violet’s door. “Are you okay, Vi?”
Violet couldn’t bring herself to smile. She sighed and shook her head. “I’m a hot mess. How did you know?”
“Because I’m not blind?” Vera shut the door and pointed to the bed, motioning at Violet to sit down. Vera sat down next to her. “I thought when you came here that you just needed some time, but if anything, you look worse. What happened? I know this isn’t just about Martha.”
Violet felt the tears coming, and she hated herself for it. She was so tired of crying. “You remember the man I met?”
“The one you had a one-night stand with? Yes, I remember.”
“Our one-night stand turned into…multiple-night stands. He wanted to make things official and I did, too.”
Vera frowned. “That’s good, right?”
“It was.” Violet sniffled. “It was really good. I fell in love with him.” Her voice caught, and she had to swallow against the lump in her throat to keep the tears at bay.
“What did he do? Or is this about William? You’re allowed to love again, Vi. You can’t beat yourself up for moving on.”
“No, I mean, I know that,” said Violet with a sigh. “At least, that wasn’t the main reason. Ash went behind my back and paid off my debt.”
“What debt?” asked Vera in confusion.
Grimacing, Violet told her sister about the unpaid loan, the summons, the collection agencies hounding her, all of it. Vera’s face turned grave.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Vera asked, hurt in her voice. “I would’ve helped you out.”
“I couldn’t have asked you that. You have your kids to think of. It was my problem to deal with.”
“So I’m assuming Ash paid it off for you, and that’s why you broke up.”
“He did it without asking me. I never, ever hinted that I expected him to do that. He thought he knew better than I did. You know who thought the same? William. He never believed in me when I started my business. He did my books because he said I couldn’t do them right.” Violet was breathing hard at this point, her blood pounding in her temples. “Why can no one trust that I know what the hell I’m doing with my own life?”
Vera sighed. “I didn’t know that about William, but I’m not surprised. He always seemed…”
“What?”
Vera’s nose wrinkled. “Petty, I guess. He wasn’t a bad man, but he seemed so immature when you married. I’d hoped that marriage would help him grow up, but it sounds like that wasn’t the case.”
Violet knew she needed to tell her sister about William stealing money from the business. Humiliated, she finally told Vera the entire story in a halting voice. Vera’s expression shuddered, and Violet desperately wondered what her sister was thinking when she’d finished.
“So that’s everything.” Violet laughed, but it was hollow. “My life is a mess. My husband lied and stole from me. My now-ex-boyfriend went behind my back and paid off my debt without asking me. Oh, and my mother-in-law almost died. Great, right?”
Vera remained silent a long time before she spoke. “I wish you would’ve told me,” she said quietly, taking Violet’s hand. “All of this was such a huge burden. No one person could’ve taken this all on. I’m amazed that you’re still standing.”
Violet started crying, and she put her head on her sister’s shoulder and let the tears fall. Vera soothed her like she’d done when they were kids. Violet let the sobs overtake her for a long moment. After this latest bout of tears, though, Violet felt better than she had in weeks.
“I know you’re angry with Ash,” said Vera, “but unlike William, he wanted to help you.”
“He wanted to prove to me that William wasn’t a great husband,” said Violet bitterly.
“Don’t shoot the messenger. Ash figured out the truth, and he told you right away. You can’t judge him for that. I think you’re just scared to love again, and you’ve decided that it’s easier to avoid it altogether. If you tell yourself Ash was in the wrong just like William, then you can be alone, right?”
Violet didn’t want to hear those words, but the truth of them penetrated the fog in her brain. She knew Vera was right: she’d misjudged Ash and had lashed out at him as a result. Her heart plummeted to her toes at that realization.
How can I get him back after what I’ve done? I wouldn’t blame him if he refused to see me again.
“I agree that Ash should’ve asked you before paying off your debt, but men aren’t great with thinking before they act.” Vera’s expression turned wry. “Ask me how I know.”
Violet let out a watery chuckle. Impulsively, she hugged her sister hard, and Vera hugged her back just as hard.
It hurt, knowing what William had done. Violet allowed herself to feel that pain for the first time since Ash had revealed the truth to her. It also hurt to accept that her marriage hadn’t been as perfect as she’d wanted it to be. In a way, Violet knew that she had to grieve the loss of that illusion like she had grieved the loss of her husband.
But once she was free of the past—of its betrayals and its heartaches—then maybe she could finally embrace her future. A future that she hoped included the man that she loved.
20
Ash didn’t know what had brought him here. He never came to the cemetery, because God knew he had never missed his parents. As a child, he’d missed his mother, but as he’d grown, he’d realized he’d missed the woman she could’ve been—not the woman she had been. His father, for all he cared, could rot.
But come to the cemetery he had on a
cloudy May afternoon a month after he’d last seen Violet. Bitterness welled up inside him just thinking of her. He’d told himself that love was bullshit, but had he listened to his own advice? No, and look where he was now. A pathetic lovesick loser who no one wanted to be around because he was so surly.
Trent had finally told him to get his act together or he could work from home until he did. In a rage, Ash had told his brother to go fuck himself and stalked out of the Fainting Goat. He’d been close to quitting completely. That was until Trent had texted him later to say, I’m worried about you. Can we talk?
No, he did not want to talk to his brother. Ash had ignored the message. There was nothing to talk about, anyway.
He’d told Violet he’d loved her. He’d tried to help her—hell, he had helped her. But she’d thrown it back in his face and had rejected him. The memory of her words, the way she’d looked at him, haunted him.
Ash squinted up at the sky. Some of the clouds had parted to reveal slices of the sky, the sun shining through, and the world seemed inordinately bright right then. He preferred the gray. It matched his mood.
Laughing under his breath, he wandered the cemetery with no destination in mind. A few people were there, some with flowers or stuffed animals, others by themselves. One woman sat on a bench in front of a gravestone, wiping her eyes every so often. Ash looked away from her. Her grief was too palpable.
He knew exactly where his parents were buried: on the edge of the cemetery, with new headstones. His mother’s plot hadn’t been marked for years after her death. It had only been after their father’s death that Trent had paid for both headstones. Despite his antipathy toward them both, Ash had also contributed to getting their plots marked. He’d done it more for Trent than anyone else.
When Ash rounded a copse of trees that surrounded the cemetery, he stopped short when he saw someone was already at his parents’ plot. Thea sat on the grass, her legs crossed, looking like some kind of wood fairy. Fresh flowers had been placed in front of each headstone. Ash watched his sister for a long moment, mostly to make certain he wasn’t interrupting something.
“Do you come here often?” he asked her quietly.
She didn’t turn, but she didn’t seem surprised to see him, either. “Sometimes. Sometimes I just need to talk to them for a bit.”
“Why?” Ash had never understood Trent or Thea’s attachment to their parents.
“It’s complicated.” Thea plucked a piece of grass and fiddled with it, her blond hair bright in the sunshine. “I won’t say that they were good parents. They weren’t. But you also weren’t old enough to remember them before it all went to shit. If you can believe it, there were happy times. I try to focus on those instead.”
Ash snorted. “A few happy times don’t make up for a lifetime of misery.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not saying they didn’t fuck up, because they did. But Mom was also seriously ill, and no one helped her.”
Ash sat down next to his sister, sighing. “I don’t blame her as much as I blame Dad,” he admitted. “He was a mean asshole. We all saw how he took his anger out on Mom. It’s no wonder she killed herself.”
“I forgive them,” said Thea. At Ash’s incredulous look, she smiled, albeit sadly. “Letting what they did overshadow my life isn’t worth it. Is it ever?”
Ash didn’t say anything. He didn’t know if he had the strength to forgive his parents like Thea did. He admired her for it, even if he didn’t agree with it.
“So that’s it, then? You forgive, forget, move on?” asked Ash. “I wish it were that simple.”
“I have a feeling you aren’t talking about our parents anymore,” she replied sagely.
Ash didn’t want to talk about Violet, yet at the same time, he desperately wanted to talk about her. He hadn’t told anyone what had happened between them. When Thea had tried to get him to open up right after Violet had left, he’d lashed out and told her to mind her own fucking business. She hadn’t spoken to him again for a week after that.
“I was right,” said Ash, his voice dull. “Love is bullshit. I don’t think it even really exists. It’s just something we tell ourselves when shit hits the fan. But what does it matter when the person you thought you loved doesn’t even give a damn?” He almost snarled in disgust. “I knew better, but I didn’t listen. I told myself that Violet was different. I told myself I could make her see, make her get over her shitty husband. I was wrong.”
Thea made a noncommittal noise. Ash took that as a sign that he should continue speaking.
“I wanted to help her. She was in debt up to her eyeballs. She had no way of getting out from under it. So I applied for a business loan for the amount she owed, and I paid off her debt. She threw that in my face, said I shouldn’t have gone behind her back like that.” He knew he sounded like a sulky child, but at that moment, he didn’t care. “I told her I loved her, too. And she left.”
Thea finally turned to face him, and to his shock, she slapped him upside the head hard enough that he yelped.
“What the fuck?” he demanded. “Are you five?”
“No, but you are. At least, you’re acting like you’re five.” Thea rolled her eyes at his affronted expression. “Love isn’t bullshit, oh brother of mine. But what is bullshit is when you do something huge like that and then are surprised when said person isn’t totally in love with your gesture.”
“I paid off her debt! How is that not something anyone would be happy about?”
“I’m not saying Violet didn’t overreact. She probably did. She has issues, just like you have issues. But you know very well that one of your faults is that you do things without thinking. You saw this as a way to help Violet. Yet how do you think it made Violet feel?”
He rubbed the back of his head, frowning. “She said it was like I didn’t believe she could manage her own life.”
“Oh, so she did tell you. And, what, you didn’t believe her?”
“She was wrong! I don’t think that at all.”
Thea rolled her eyes. “Look, Ash, I love you. Even when you’re an idiot—which is what you’re being right now. Good intentions are lovely, but that doesn’t mean the results are what you’d intended. If I accidentally step on your foot but tell you, ‘oh, I didn’t mean it, sorry!’ it doesn’t make your foot hurt less. You know what I mean?”
“No,” was Ash’s confused reply. “And besides, if telling a woman I love her ends with her running away to God knows where, then I’ve just proven what I’ve always said. Love is a fairy tale. Love is just used to control people, to get them to do what you want them to do. Love is why Mom stayed with Dad when he beat her up. Love is why she ended up killing herself instead of getting help, because she thought that Dad would save her.” Ash spat the words, more at the headstones in front them than at Thea right then.
“Real love isn’t like that,” said Thea. “No, listen to me. What Mom and Dad had…” Thea shook her head, her eyes sad. “It was love in the beginning, but it got twisted. Love doesn’t mean hurting someone. Love is the opposite of that. Look at Trent and Lizzie. Hell, look at any number of couples. I swear they’re all falling in love around here. It’s like a disease. And they’re happy and totally normal. Nothing like our parents.”
Ash didn’t want to listen to his sister, even as his mind told him that she was right. He wanted to wallow; he wanted to keep thinking that he hadn’t done anything wrong. That he hadn’t fucked up his relationship with Violet because he did first, thought later.
You always push too hard. You run right over people’s feelings without a second thought.
He groaned, remembering Kayla’s text. He’d done the same thing to her, and he’d brushed it off. He’d thought she’d overreacted. And Kayla hadn’t been a woman he’d even loved.
“Then why did Violet run away?” he asked, his voice hoarse. “Why not stay and work it out? I could’ve, I don’t know, cancelled the loan. Something. I could’ve made it right.”
“I wo
uld imagine that you scared the shit out of her. She lost her first husband. If you think love is bullshit, then she’s terrified of getting hurt a second time. Come on, Ash, use your brain for once,” joked Thea.
Ash’s brain hurt at the moment. Thea’s words washed over him like a wave that uncovered the seashells underneath the sand.
He couldn’t say that she was wrong because he knew that she was right. He’d run over Violet’s feelings, her needs, in an effort to prove to her that he knew better. Would he have reacted the same if she’d done that to him? Probably. They both had their pride, that was for sure.
Ash traced one of the letters on their mother’s headstone. “I wasn’t sad when she died,” he admitted, not sure why it mattered now. “I waited to feel sad, and it never came. How fucked up is that?”
“I think you were sad, you just pushed that pain away. Or expended it elsewhere. Like with other women.”
“Damn, Thea, when did you get so wise all of a sudden?”
“Me? I’ve always been wise. You just had your head too far up your ass to notice.”
Laughing, Ash threw his arm around his sister and gave her a bear hug that soon had her struggling to free herself.
“Any tips on how I can get Violet back?” he asked as Thea stood.
“Apologize. Grovel. Make things right. Don’t let her run away again.”
“I figured as much,” he said wryly.
“Then I guess you don’t need my advice anymore, do you?” She smiled and ruffled his hair. “See you later, little brother. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Ash sat at his parents’ headstones as the afternoon passed. He didn’t know what he wanted here—understanding? Absolution? Perhaps he simply wanted someone to tell him that everything would be all right. He touched the date of his mother’s death and a lump formed in his throat.
“I wish you could’ve been strong enough to stay,” he whispered. “I wish you had had a happier life. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.”