“You want to get our cloaks and go out with them?” Cora asked, turning her eyes to me.
“Certainly not,” I sniffed and forced myself to move sedately from the window to take a seat on one of the two couches sitting parallel to each other by the fire. The couch I selected was empty. The one across from it had Circe and Brikitta sitting on it, Circe grinning knowingly at me, Brikitta regarding me closely.
I ignored both of them and reached forward to the tea service that had been laid out for us to pour myself some tea.
“She so does,” Circe declared, and I knew she was talking to Cora.
I also knew it was a tease.
But my deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame surfaced, and struggling with them now for some time I was unable to push them back.
Therefore I looked to Circe and snapped, “You do realize that not long ago my lover was tortured to death.”
Circe’s lovely face went stricken, and at the sight of it, my guilt and shame increased.
“I’m so sorry,” she said quickly. “I do know that. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No,” I stated, looking away, feeling my embarrassment in the heat in my cheeks and bringing my teacup to my lips but not sipping. “There was no reason for me to be curt when you were simply teasing.”
I sipped and hoped that was where the matter would lie.
My hope was in vain.
“It’s sweet, you and Noc,” Cora said, coming to sit next to me. “And it’s not bad, you and Noc. He’s a good guy, Franka. And he gets it. I don’t know, I’ve never lost what you’ve lost, but he’s that good of a guy, he’s just trying to be there for you, as we all are. And you should take that, babe. People caring. Let him in. Let us in. We might be able to help.”
“He is a…” I hesitated before I tried out the words, “good guy. It’s not like I don’t know this.”
She scooted closer to me.
“What I’m saying is, if you want to get your mind off things, it won’t hurt anything or anyone to put your cloak on and go out and be with people who like being around you and who want to be there for you,” Cora further explained.
“I’ve feelings for him,” I blurted.
Gads!
Now I was blurting my thoughts willy-nilly.
Cora stared at me and as she did I felt the room grow still.
Why I said it I didn’t know, but as was happening quite often of late, I couldn’t stop it and further, I couldn’t stop myself from continuing to share.
And this is precisely what I did.
“It’s wrong and it’s shameful and it’s disloyal to Antoine’s memory. He’s barely made his way to the lap of the gods and here I am, admiring another man.”
“There’s a lot to admire about Noc, Franka,” Circe said carefully. “The guy is hot.”
“As I understand this word in your vernacular,” I replied to her, “you are very right. That makes it no less shameful and disloyal.”
“I understand your struggle,” she murmured.
“It’s more,” I stated.
Drat.
Why couldn’t I stop speaking?
“More?” Brikitta asked, her regard of me kind.
I fastened on that and kept bloody speaking.
“These past days, in being with you and Kristian, and these past weeks, being with the others and their mates, I’ve realized the inadequacies of my relationship with Antoine. My mind conjures them frequently, doing so as if trying to find some excuse for the feelings I have for Noc.”
“Shit,” Circe murmured.
She understood.
Why did that feel so good?
“Indeed,” I replied.
“Okay, listen to me,” Cora demanded, and I looked her way. “Hot guys have power. Trust me. My hot guy looks exactly like Noc so I know. When we, uh…” she paused, only her eyeballs slid Brikitta’s way and then she looked back to me and went on, “first met, he hated me. Like loathed me. Seriously. And he made no bones about it. I still thought he was hot and totally got into it any time he touched me. And forget about it if he actually kissed me.”
I found this confusing.
“Why was he touching and kissing a woman he loathed?” I queried.
“Well, because he liked doing it and, of course, he kinda wanted an heir.” She looked fully to Circe and finished on a slight grin, “He didn’t mess about getting that taken care of.”
“So you’re saying,” I began, calling her attention back to me, “simply because a man is exceptionally attractive, I should feel no compunction about my utter faithlessness to a lover I committed treason for in order to attempt to protect?”
“The way you say it makes it sound really not good,” Cora mumbled, but her eyes were still lit with good humor. “Though,” she carried on, “what you didn’t get about what I said is that obviously,” she put her hand to her belly, inside of which the second child she would give Prince Noctorno was growing, and it was put there not simply because he desired another heir, “something was there between us. Something in the end that was really, really good.”
By the goddess Adele, this was true.
“What inadequacies?” Brikitta asked.
I looked to her, still shaken by Cora’s words. “Pardon?”
“You say your mind conjures inadequacies in your relationship with Antoine. What are these conjurings?”
“I kept him,” I informed her.
“What?” Circe asked.
I looked to her. “He was a prostitute. We suited. In order for him to be solely mine and give up his employment, I kept him housed, fed, clothed, entertained, etc., and I did so in a way in which he was accustomed. He was not a partner in my life, even though in some senses he was. To all intents and purposes, however, he was my paid lover.”
“Mm…” Cora mumbled.
“This is not unusual, Franka,” Brikitta stated quietly, and I watched both Cora and Circe turn surprised expressions to her and knew from their reactions that this was not the same in their worlds.
As they’d grown accustomed, they both hid those reactions before Brikitta caught them.
Then again, her attention was fixed on me.
Still kindly.
“And such arrangements are oft not long lasting,” Brikitta went on. “That does not mean there is not affection between the two players. Or even, as in your case, love. And it does not lessen your grief, no matter what feelings you have for a man who shows you attention, is sensitive to your circumstances and is very attractive. To end, what I’m trying to explain is, you’re declaring these thoughts as ‘conjuring’ as if you’re making them up, when in fact they’re quite true.”
I didn’t wish to believe it but it couldn’t be denied she was right.
However.
“It was not solely the fact that he was not a partner in the traditional sense. He was not thus in other ways as well,” I pressed on. “For instance, Antoine did not assist me in making life decisions. Or any decisions at all. It was not only not his place, it was not his nature. He was not a pillar to lean on when times were difficult, though,” I said the last vaguely as I’d just recalled it, “I was that to him when he had some familial problems, and, of course, the troubles his friends caused when he left the life they all shared and committed to me.”
I realized after some time when the silence became prolonged in the room that I’d fallen into my thoughts.
I focused, cleared my throat and kept speaking.
“He could be a sounding board when it was needed, but advice would not be forthcoming. Noc is both. He’s very strong, and although I dislike admitting it, he’s seeing far more clearly than I at this juncture in my life and provides excellent advice. He sees options I do not think of. And he has ways that are both annoying and heartening in sharing all this with me.”
“Antoine is not here at this time to provide such things to you,” Brikitta said gently.
“But I knew him and if he was here, he would not,” I
returned.
“As you knew him, I cannot say,” Brikitta conceded.
“It’s like I didn’t love him at all, having these thoughts about him, doubts about what we had,” I shared.
Brikitta sat up straighter, stating in a sharp way I would never have thought she could speak, “It isn’t any such thing.”
“I disagree,” I retorted.
“Could it be, sister, that in the presence of a man who gives you things you prize, without Antoine here, you’re simply coming to conclusions you would have come to if he actually still was, though experiencing shame at coming to them because he is lost?” Brikitta inquired.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” I told her.
“Did you think you’d spend the rest of your life with Antoine?” she queried.
“I’ve no idea,” I answered, though the truth was I didn’t often think far in the future. I lived in the present. My future was always murky and swirling with menaces I didn’t wish to consider so I didn’t peer too closely into those depths.
But the truth was, Antoine loved me, as I loved him, but he was who he was and I was who I was. We were both always honest about that, nothing hidden, a freedom he gave me that I cherished.
He did what he did for employment because he was good at it and because he enjoyed it. There was a good possibility he would eventually seek other amusements.
And as discomfiting as it was to realize, there was an equally good possibility I would as well.
That said, I knew in my heart if there ever was to be a parting, that parting would be sweet, not bitter, and he would remain in my life in some manner, even if he no longer was my lover, for the length of it.
“And say Antoine was alive,” Brikitta pushed, “and you met Master Noc and found he gave you these things you prized and you were attracted to him. Perhaps doing this in a way you wished to explore. Would you not think on the current relationship you were in, knowing you’d never get these things which, Franka, are not things to prize but things you need? They are things any woman needs. They are not of value. They are precious. Knowing this about a kept lover or any man you were spending your time with, you would reconsider doing that—”
“Throw him over for something better?” I interrupted to ask incredulously.
“End the relationship so you can be in one to get not only what you want but what you need,” she clarified.
“That, too, is offensive to Antoine’s memory,” I told her sharply.
I told her this but I could not say she was incorrect in her words.
“That, sister,” she said softly, “if Antoine were alive, is the way of the world. Even more so as he was your kept lover. He would know this even better than you and would undoubtedly be planning for it.”
She’s right, Antoine said in my head.
Quiet, I snapped.
“This is but another excuse, Brikitta,” I said out loud. “And I appreciate your efforts to try to make me feel better—”
“You’re torn up,” Cora cut in and I turned to her. “And I get it, Franka, honey, damn. If all that had happened to you had happened to me and Tor came into my life like Noc came into yours, my head would be totally messed up about it too.”
“Mine too, totally,” Circe chimed in.
“You’re all simply being kind,” I declared.
“Yeah, we girls do that for each other,” Cora stated. “But, Franka, what you’re dealing with, we would not blow sunshine. No way. If I didn’t agree with Brikitta, I’d keep my mouth shut.”
“Me too,” Circe added.
“It also could be that you’re denying what’s growing between you and Master Noc, what we all can see quite vividly, because you wish to punish yourself as your parents have done for decades, not believing you deserve to be happy,” Brikitta put in.
“I wish to cause no offense, but that’s absurd,” I told her, truly not wishing to cause offense, believing it was absurd. “Lest I remind you, I committed treason for Antoine.”
“Nothing we’re saying negates your feelings for him, Franka,” Brikitta returned. “I know as fact you love your brother, and if he were to be taken by those witches, you would have done the same. Love makes us behave in a variety of manners we never would expect. You honored Antoine greatly with your action.”
I blinked in utter shock at this declaration but my sister-in-law was not done.
“What I wish to make clear to you is that you don’t dishonor him by living your life, feeling your feelings, thinking the thoughts you’ve had now that he’s gone. They’re natural. And you shouldn’t punish yourself for them. And it should be noted that no relationship, no matter how much love there is or how strong it may be, is perfect. I’ve no doubt you wish to think back on Antoine and what you had with him only with a rosy hue.” Her face softened. “But I think, my sister, that it’s also a natural progression in the process of grief to come to the realization that what you had was strong and beautiful, but it was not what nothing ever can be…perfect.”
She was not incorrect about that either.
It would seem for years I’d missed not only the fact my sister-in-law was quite pretty in her own way and gave my brother many precious things, but she was also quite wise.
“Not to mention, you put your life on the line to rectify that.” Circe did her own reminding.
My eyes moved to her.
“And I put my brother and his family’s lives on the line while committing the treason I committed,” I continued my own reminding.
“Babe, you’re churning through history,” Cora noted. “History is history. Break free.”
“You think it’s that easy?” I asked her.
“I think it would be harder than hell,” she answered instantly. “But I also think Brikitta’s right. Your parents,” she shook her head, “not good people. I don’t know what they made you believe about yourself but I was there in that jail. I heard what you said to them. I heard how they taught you to be. And I heard that you want to be something different. Don’t let them hold you back. Okay, you were how you were. You did what you did. But that’s over. Let that go. Let them go. And be who you want to be.”
I looked away from all of them, lifted my forgotten teacup and took a sip of the now-cool contents.
“Just be his friend,” Cora advised, reaching out a hand and wrapping her fingers around my thigh to give me a squeeze that I found quite bolstering. “He wants that. You need that. Don’t fight that. And whatever happens from here…”
She trailed off and I looked at her and saw her compassionate smile and slight shrug.
Staring in her eyes, allowing all their words to penetrate, I realized in some ways I was still agitated.
An uncertain future had a way of causing that.
But in more important ways, I was far less.
They did not think my thoughts shameful. They didn’t think any less of me after sharing them.
They were caring. And supportive.
And it couldn’t be escaped.
It felt nice.
And damn it all, I had to thank them for it.
“I appreciate you listening,” I murmured, leaning forward to put my cup in its saucer.
“Anytime,” Circe said.
“Definitely,” Cora said.
“With pleasure, sister,” Brikitta said.
I looked at them in turn, my lips tipped slightly up.
“Right, I want my babies. Naptime should be over. Should we pull the cord and have the nannies bring in the kids?” Circe asked, deftly changing the subject.
“I’d love that,” Brikitta declared.
“I’m on it,” Cora stated, jumping up and moving to the cord.
Now this was something to look forward to. The last several days, I’d spent some time with Timofei and in that time I’d been proved irrevocably correct. He was an almost unbearably handsome child, would most certainly grow up tall and straight like his father, and he was exceptionally intelligent.
&n
bsp; I’d not seen him that day.
His arrival would take my mind from my troubles, much more than watching Noc excel with a bow.
Or at least I told myself that.
* * * * *
Prior to going down to avant-dinner drinks that evening, I stood in my dressing room with my brother, the doors to the locked wardrobe open, the chests also open, the furs folded, stacked and on display.
And my brother was speaking.
“Out of the question.”
I’d just offered him his share.
“Kristian—”
He turned a severe look to me and I closed my mouth.
“You went before the evil she-god Minerva, your life most definitely on the line, she could have cut you low in a snap,” he lifted his hand and did just that, “as penance for what you did. For my penance, I cowered in very well-appointed accommodations that, it’s true, I was not at liberty to leave, but there was no danger to life and limb.”
“You did what you did because of me,” I reminded him.
“Stop that,” he clipped.
I blinked in utter shock at his angry tone.
“You asked my assistance. I gave it to you,” he stated sharply. “I was under no duress to do so. You didn’t threaten me or my family. It was my choice, Franka, to help my sister who was in distress and I wanted to do something to alter that. I committed treason and I did it knowingly because I care about you. You bear no responsibility for that and I don’t wish to upset you, love, but it’s offensive you think me that weak that you feel you need to shoulder it for me.”
“I didn’t mean to offend,” I replied in a feeble voice I’d not heard pass my lips, not ever, not even when my father was doling out his punishments.
“I know you didn’t,” Kristian responded, his tone now gentle. “But, sister, you did it all the same so I’m asking you to stop.”
I tried a different tack.
“I certainly don’t need all this, Kristian,” I flicked a hand to the wardrobe, “and you know it’s true. I could give you but a quarter of it and you and Brikitta would want for nothing for the rest of your lives.”
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