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Omnibus: The Know-It-All, The Year of Living Biblically, My Life as an Experiment

Page 89

by A. J. Jacobs

puns generously classified as

  Jonah:

  anger issues of

  in “great fish” or “whale,”

  Joplin, Janis

  Joseph (son of Jacob)

  Jacob’s favoring of

  Rachel’s divinely assisted conception of

  Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor, Dreamcoat,

  Joshua, reconciling science with the sun stopping for

  Josie and the Pussycats,

  “Journal of By-gone Years: The Smuckers,”

  Jubilee Harps

  Jubilee USA Network

  Jubilee year

  debts forgiven, workers stay home, markets collapse in

  plan to forgive third-world debt in

  Judah, Judeans:

  prophetic warnings to

  Samaritans hated by

  Judaism:

  Ashkenazi, polygamy banned by

  biblical interpretation in

  Catholicism and Protestantism compared with

  “deed over creed” as slogan of

  food-related ideas about

  holidays in

  kindness to animals in

  life trumping all (or nearly all) in

  oral vs. written law in

  original biblical intent in

  reconciling biblical realities with

  Judge, Mike, beaten to fantasy punch

  Judgment at Nuremberg, atheism linked to

  Judith, Holofernes seduced and beheaded by

  kabbalists, white-wearing

  kaparot, ritual of

  Botox and transubstantiation compared with

  money used in tamer versions of

  summarized experience of

  kaparot, ritual of (cont.)

  vicariously sinful chickens used in

  see also chickens, ritual

  Karaite calendar

  Karaite Korner

  Karaites:

  extreme, but safe diet of

  theological minimalism of

  why it’s best to forgo the “Mazal tov” with

  Kate, Aunt

  circumcision encouraged by

  consequences in Friday visit of

  as ex-uncle Gil’s ex-wife

  on filial disrespect

  as former cult follower

  kaparot as practiced by

  meshuga nephew rebuked for overlooking oral tradition by

  on metaphor of the clutching wife

  mother driven to sticking tongue out at Hasidim by

  whoopee cushion gift of

  why AJ fretted over Jasper’s toy blocks from

  Ken (atheist leader)

  Kennedy, D. James

  Kennedy, John F.

  Kerby, Carl, pop culture monitored by

  Kevin (Bible study coleader)

  Khayyam, Omar, as bathroom reading

  Kill Bill,

  Kings, First Book of, on those who pisseth against a wall (slay them all)

  Kings, Second Book of, additional adult language in

  Kissinger, Henry, inner and outer nature of

  Knitting Factory

  Know-It-All, The (Jacobs)

  AJ quizzed by creationist on

  checking reviews and sales ranking of

  cross-eyed woman fetish references in

  last recycled line from

  optioned for a movie

  postpartum downer in completion of

  kohanim, sacred hand gesture of

  kosher rules

  Kosher Sex (Boteach)

  lamb, Passover sacrifice of

  Lamb Chop (sock puppet)

  lamb juice

  Lane, Robin

  language laws:

  of Amish minimalism

  20 percent of AJ’s sentences lost to

  see also forbidden speech; forbidden words

  lashon hara (evil tongue)

  see also forbidden speech

  laws, biblical:

  bizarre and ethically advanced, at times on same page

  Christian distinction between, “moral” and “ritual,”

  inexplicable, obedience to

  in Torah, a total of 613 (AJ’s list is longer)

  see also rules, biblical

  Lee, Tommy, Thursday night with

  LeHaye Ice Hockey Arena

  Lennon, John

  Leopard-skin Bustier Woman, lust avoidance attempted on

  Lev (Israeli) (and fellow germaphobe), tithing negotiated with

  Levi, cousin, quirky but compelling beliefs of

  Leviticus, Book of:

  on “an eye for an eye,”

  author of food and sex prohibitions in (P)

  on beasts you can eat

  on birds you can’t eat

  on daily payment of servant’s wages

  on eating no manner of blood

  on fruit forbidden from recently planted tree

  on homosexuality

  on the Jubilee year

  on leaving your gleanings for the poor

  on loving your neighbor as yourself

  on making restitution

  on not confusing wife with mother

  on not mixing fibers

  on not trimming beards

  on not trimming the sides either

  on period of male impurity

  on rabbit’s dietary habits

  on refraining from gossip

  on rising in the presence of the aged

  on the Sabbath year

  sex acts in Aristocrats banned by

  on stealing

  on stoning adulterers

  on which insects one may eat, if one is so inclined

  on woman’s period of impurity

  Lewis, C. S.:

  on Jesus without divinity

  on pretending vs. being better than you are

  Lewis, Shari

  Liar, Liar,

  liberation motif

  Liberty University, forbidden things at

  Liddell, Eric, on feeling God’s pleasure

  Lieberman, Joe

  lies, lying

  to the Falwell folks

  to help the poor

  how to cut back on

  “noncommittal compliments,”

  parental, inevitability of

  size, taste, and colorlessness of

  today’s, just a sample of

  life:

  AJ’s entry in the Book of

  as balance sheet

  as challenging jigsaw puzzle

  curveballs of

  Ecclesiastes on the uncertainties of

  improved by believing in God

  as Judaic priority

  vitalist view of

  see also everything

  Lisle, Jason

  Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth

  loopholes, ethical:

  bird-headed humans (as allowable images)

  for Christian polygamy

  of edible bugs in otherwise restrictive diet

  in restricting animal sacrifice

  in stoning adulterers

  Looy, Mark

  Lot:

  God’s warning to

  two anti-Israelite nations the result of two succeeding intemperate nights for

  Lot’s wife, family events missed by

  Lott, Clyde

  love:

  for God, like love for wife

  for the sinner, not the sin

  unconditional

  for your neighbor

  Lower East Side, cuisine of

  Lubavitcher sect of Hasidim

  Luke, Gospel of

  on the blessed poor

  on choosing God over all else

  on forgiveness

  on Jesus proclaiming Jubilee year

  on John the Baptist in the womb

  on the Samaritan’s compassion

  lust avoidance

  AJ’s apartment cleared for

  day job’s effect on

  keeping eyes on ground as aid to

  in strategy number one (she’s the princess,
you’re the peasant)

  in strategy number two (she’s your mother)

  in strategy number three (recite Bible passages to yourself)

  in strategy number four (focus on the complete person)

  when finance page is a turn-on

  Lutherans

  Lynchburg, Va.

  Maccabees

  magicians, killing of

  Mahalalel, Florida elders approaching age of

  Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

  Mail Boxes Etc., impatience and wrath at

  Maimonides:

  on religious food laws

  613 rules compiled by

  Maker’s Diet, The (Rubin)

  mandrakes, Rachel’s disappointing use of

  March, Fredric

  Margie (Julie’s friend), foot washing offered to

  marijuana, Bible often scanned for a favorable word on

  Mark, Gospel of:

  on picking up serpents

  on plucking out the sinful eye

  on rendering unto Caesar and God, accordingly

  Mark (friend)

  marriage:

  celibacy said to be superior to

  easy-to-follow steps for introducing polygamy into

  Jesus’ theoretical firsthand knowledge of

  levirate

  no-touching ban not necessarily bad for

  wife avoidance as monthly ritual in

  Marti, Aunt:

  as anticircumcisionist (or proprepucist)

  in family photo shoots

  going vegetarian in honor of

  honey banned by

  on religious words to avoid

  Martin, Steve, “King Tut” song of

  masturbation:

  in objections to IVF

  Onan mistakenly remembered for

  Mather, Increase

  Matisyahu, in top three

  Matthew, Gospel of:

  on committing adultery in your heart

  on eunuchs in kingdom of heaven

  on forgiveness

  on giving to the poor

  on Golden Rule

  Jesus affirms and supersedes Old Testament in

  on Jesus bringing not peace but a sword

  Jonah’s “whale” found in

  on judging not

  Matthew (preacher)

  matzohs

  making and solitary consuming of

  Mazal tov

  megachurches

  Memphis (Nancy’s dog), AJ’s success in finding a home for

  men, discussing emissions with (this isn’t about global warming, as such)

  Mental Floss,

  Messianic Age:

  Lubavitcher view of

  music improved in

  metaphors:

  actualized by AJ

  being born again

  Bible as divine snapshot

  biblical, fundamentalist recognition of

  bungee jumping

  chopping off opponent’s wife’s clutching hand

  hating parents, wife, children, siblings, and own life

  for life

  literalized by prophets

  for loving God

  the Matrix wager

  picking up serpents

  plucking out an eye

  sex drive as a roaring dragon

  on tefillin wearing

  twins Perez and Zerah

  verbal pollution

  wearing all white

  see also food metaphors

  Methuselah

  mezuzahs

  Micah, Book of, on justice and mercy

  Michael (Jehovah’s Witness)

  AJ’s out-Bible-talking of

  on blood transfusions

  Witness doctrine and FAQs explicated by

  Michal, modesty issues followed by infertility of

  Midler, Bette, where else she precedes Midrash

  Midrash:

  bloodletting vs. peace as viewed in

  on how Jacob’s neck was saved

  on how parting the Red Sea was managed

  meanings of

  Miles, Jack

  Milton, Don

  mind:

  openness of

  wandering of, during prayer

  miracles, scientific explanations of

  misinterpretations, biblical: of “an eye for an eye,”

  of being fruitful and multiplying

  of boiling baby goat in its mother’s milk

  of “Sin of Onan

  mistranslations, biblical:

  of Gehenna, an ancient garbage dump, now “hell

  of “kill” for “murder

  of “leprosy” for generic skin disease

  of “locusts” for “carob pods

  of Moses’ “horns” for “qaran” or beams of light

  of the rabbit “chews its cud” for “re-eats its food

  of “Red Sea” for “Sea of Reeds,”

  of “steal” for “kidnap

  of words like “impurity” and “unclean,”

  Moab, mother’s ill-considered plan to repopulate the world with

  moral relativism, swimming in the muddy soup of

  Mormonism

  Morrow, Jimmy

  as affable fundamentalist

  speaking in tongues by

  Morrow, Jimmy (cont.)

  as sympathetic to LBJ Democrats and Falwell eschatologists

  varieties of poisonous serpents handled by

  Moses

  as ever a slave to goodness

  five books of; see also Torah

  forty days spent listening to God by

  God in two-sided argument with

  God’s first words to

  God’s parting words to

  Israelites commanded to write God’s words on doorposts by

  Israelites impatient for return of

  Jesus compared with

  at Red Sea (movie version)

  righteous anger of

  sacred anointing oil made with, God’s recipe by

  shepherding experience useful to

  mosh pits, Hasidic-style

  Most Perplexing Rules:

  admonition to chop off opponent’s wife’s clutching hand

  ban on wearing clothes of mixed fibers

  capital punishment

  circumcision

  purification using perfect red cow; see also red heifer

  Most Violated Rules

  lying, gossip, anger, and touching impure things included in

  not making images of any kind

  vanity and coveting might also be mentioned

  mother, one’s own, thinking of pretty woman as

  mother, pigeon’s, respect for

  mother-son relationships, Julie’s hopeful study of

  movies

  “R,” “X,” or “NC-17

  sanitized versions of

  Muhammad, riots over published cartoon depictions of

  multiplying, see being fruitful and multiplying

  murder:

  as appropriate word in Sixth, Commandment

  evil tongue compared to

  penalty for

  Muslims

  Third Temple location problematic for

  see also Islam

  myrrh, buying and smelling of

  Nachshon, Red Sea’s timely parting for

  Nancy (neighbor)

  book idea of

  death of

  hallway conversation with

  on her sketch of Jimi Hendrix

  home found for pet dog of

  as Jasper’s unofficial godmother

  memorial service for

  Natalia (niece), bat mitzvah of

  Nathan, parable of greedy rich man told to King David by

  Nazirites, strict rules of

  Nebuchadnezzar, Hebrew faithful unscorched by

  Negev Desert

  Nerf bat, Jasper spanked with, laughing hysterically

  Neta (TV producer)

  New Catholic Dictionary,

 
; New Testament (Christian Bible)

  circumcision optional at best in

  guidance on Christmas absent in

  hammering out approach to

  heavenly reward promised in

  on obedience to human institutions

  polygamy not overturned by

  see also Bible; specific books

  New York City:

  beards observed at fertility clinics of

  coveting as energizer of

  multicellular organisms in tap water of

  return of the neorighteous to

  70 percent of talk in

  traffic signals as helpful hints in

  ultrareligious compatriots in

  walking around with exposed cash in

  New York City Atheists

  New Yorker,

  New York Times,

  Nicodemus, “born again” confusing to

  Nimoy, Leonard, racy use of tefillin by

  9/11, God’s judgment as cause of

  1976 Plymouth Valiant, odor of sanctity in

  Nineveh, Jonah’s refusal to preach to

  Ninth Commandment

  see also perjury

  Noah:

  as first flesh eater

  Ham’s mocking of

  if he were alive today

  Noah’s Ark

  biblical instructions for building of (cubits, gopher wood, etc.)

  cute toys based on

  Darwinian evolution at odds with

  Noah’s Ark: A Feasibility Study,

  animal exercise, ventilation system, explosive gases covered in

  Numbers, Book of:

  on attaching blue thread to tassels

  on the perfect red heifer

  on those who fell on their faces

  on wearing tassels

  obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

  religions preeminent in

  October religious holidays

  Office Space,

  Old Testament

  creationism tied to

  see also Hebrew Bible; Torah; specific books

  olive oil lamps

  Onan, eponymous sin pinned on

  144,000 pious souls, Heaven reserved for

  Ono, Yoko, guru troubles of

  oral laws:

  Aunt Kate’s reproachful reminder of

  received by Moses on mountaintop

  theological minimalist rejection of

  Origen, over-hasty self-castration of

  Orthodox Jews, see Jews, Orthodox oxen, sacrifice of

  paganism

  Palestinians

  Palm Treo, wrongs recorded as “Stuff” on

  pantheism

  paper cuts, painless slaughter likened to

  parenting

  of Bart Simpson vs. Flanders kids

  cultist chill in

  parenting (cont.)

  dangers in loosey-goosey style of

  favoritism toward a twin in

  at feeding time

  free will and Purell applied in

  hand spared “as object of love” in

  as inevitably dishonest

  Nerf bat used with predictable results in

  nightmare scenario in

  overprotectiveness in

  painful battles in

  predominance of males in

 

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