“I most certainly have not,” Amanda replied. “I am a guest in your home. Dining on any of your staff without your permission would be unconscionably rude.” The vampire pouted. It was an unbelievably beguiling expression. “I would like to hire the aforementioned comely, young virgins as my maids although they would still answer to you in matters pertaining to the castle. My part of the castle is also rather dreary, and I think I disturb some of your servants.”
“First of all, the castle isn’t dreary. It is menacing and awe-inspiring. Second, you’ve done the whole turning into mist thing in front of them. It’s kind of freaky, but they’ll get used to it. They got used to Katie’s shadows, Sam’s love of cake, and they’ve even gotten used to the rats. Believe me, they’ll get used to you too. All they need is some time.” He took another sip of water. “Although if your true form is as terrifying as you say, you might want to keep it to yourself. Well, you could show Sam. I doubt he’d mind.”
“Fair enough,” Amanda conceded. “So when will we begin our search for comely, young virgins?”
“Could you please stop saying it like that,” Timmy pleaded. “Give me a few days. I’ll reach out to some people I know first.” He glanced at his water. Given how well this was likely to go, he’d be replacing it with wine soon, regardless of how he felt about overindulging in alcohol.
* * *
“Master, are we really going to do this? It makes us look weird, and not in an ominous, necromancer way.” Katie’s glare left no doubt as to her utter lack of faith in his idea although it should really have been called Amanda’s idea. “Can’t we write something else instead?”
Unfortunately for Timmy, his attempts to obtain comely, young virgins without drawing too much attention had gone less than well. None of his contacts, most of which specialised in fields more relevant to necromancy, such as rare creatures or corpses, had been of much help. He’d also gotten quite a few strange looks from them too. To supplement his efforts, he had decided to take out some help-wanted ads in a variety of newsletters and journals, as well as put up posters in various towns and villages. In a bid to cut costs, he’d trimmed the ads down to a single line. After all, longer ads cost more money.
Help wanted. Comely, young virgins to work at necromancer’s castle.
Timmy grimaced. Substantial savings aside, that just sounded weird and creepy. “It is pretty awful, isn’t it?”
“It’s the most awful help-wanted ad I’ve ever read,” Katie replied. “We sound like we’re going to enslave them or something… or murder them in their sleep and sacrifice them to the things underneath the castle.”
“You know,” Timmy murmured. “I think my master mentioned something about someone trying something similar a few centuries ago – the sacrificing, I mean. It didn’t work out so well.”
Katie grimaced. “Ouch.” The things underneath the castle were unfathomably powerful. If something had gone wrong, it was highly likely that everyone involved had died horribly or had suffered a fate so terrible that dying horribly would have been a mercy.
“Yes, well, I suppose we haven’t got a choice then. If Amanda wants comely, young virgins, she’s going to have to help us find some. If I have to look like a creepy weirdo, you can be sure I won’t be the only one.” He folded his hands together on the table in front of him. “We’re going to do this the old-fashioned way.”
“There’s an old-fashioned way to do this now?” Katie huffed. “We’re not going to go around kidnapping people, are we? Because we’re necromancers, not kidnappers.”
Timmy ruffled Katie’s hair. His adorable apprentice could be so naïve at times. “Katie, necromancers have kidnapped plenty of people in the past. I know you’re well versed in necromancer history, so you should know about some of the more unsavoury things our past and present colleagues have done.” Timmy reached for more parchment. “But we’re not like them. We won’t be kidnapping anyone. We’ll be doing interviews.”
“Interviews?” Katie groaned and immediately put the pieces together. Clever girl. “Just you and Amanda, right? I don’t have to be there, right? Right? Right?”
“Oh, you’re not getting out of this so easily. You’ll be there. As my apprentice, it will be your glorious honour and privilege to suffer beside me.” He chuckled as she spluttered in outrage. “Besides, you never know when you’ll need to hire some servants of your own. Consider it a learning experience.”
* * *
Timmy sat on one side of a large table while a young woman sat on the other side with her hands folded together in her lap. She’d managed to stop fidgeting, but only a few moments ago, he’d been worried that she might tear her dress from how hard she’d been wringing it. Beside Timmy were Katie, Avraniel, and Amanda. Gerald had managed to avoid participating by pointing out all the paperwork he had to do, and Old Man had said something about needing to tend to his bonsai trees before adjusting his hat and teleporting away.
Traitors.
He knew for a fact that Gerald kept on top of his paperwork and that Old Man had already tended to his bonsai trees for the day. Those two simply wanted to avoid being subjected to this horror. On the upside, Spot had decided to spend the day exploring the forest with Chomp and Mr Sparkles. The last thing Timmy needed was a cranky dragon, and Spot would definitely get cranky if he was stuck inside all day doing nothing except listening to people talk. And a cranky dragon would mean terrified interviewees. The young lady in front of him was already extremely nervous. If Spot had shown up and so much as growled in her direction, she would have given herself a heart attack or a stroke. Timmy would then have to make sure she was all right before coming up with an explanation that people would actually believe since no one was going to believe she’d suffered a dragon-induced heart attack/stroke. No, they’d most likely come up with their own explanation, something involving necromantic evil and general villainy.
“So, Lillian,” Katie began as she shuffled a stack of papers in front of her. “What makes you think that you have what it takes to serve as a maid in Black Tower Castle? After all, this castle is ruled by a Grand Necromancer with a very capable apprentice.”
Timmy managed to hide his snigger behind a cough. His apprentice might not have liked participating, but in typical Katie fashion, she’d come up with an excessively detailed plan for identifying the most suitable candidates. Contentment filled him. It was so nice to have such a competent apprentice even if she did try to overthrow him on a semi-regular basis.
Lillian shifted nervously in her chair. “I’m… I’m a very good cook, and I can sing, sew, and clean. I also have some healing magic.”
Timmy sat up a little straighter. Katie had told him not to slouch while they were interviewing people, but this was his castle. He’d slouch if he wanted to. “Is your healing magic holy-based or light-based?” When healing magic was based on holy magic or light magic it could injure or even kill lesser vampires. Naturally, Amanda would be fine. Unless someone like Vicky showed up, the ancient vampire was unlikely to get anything worse than a case of indigestion from any holy magic or light magic she encountered.
Lillian shook her head. A lock of her chestnut hair fell across her face, and she hurriedly pushed it back into place and almost punched herself in the face at the same time. Katie winced and Avraniel laughed. Lillian was a very nervous person. Could she be related to Gerald? “My… my village’s healer said it was closer to accelerated regeneration.”
“Good.” Timmy breathed a sigh of relief. Healing based on accelerated regeneration usually worked as intended on vampires, werewolves, and other similar beings. However, he was curious to know what would happen if Amanda was in her true form. Based on some experiments he’d run on a tentacle or two that Sam had been kind enough donate, regenerative magic tended to do hilariously bizarre things to otherworldly entities. In Sam’s case, the tentacle had turned bright green and then grown a mouth and a pair of wings before it had tried to eat Timmy. A stout hit or two with his shovel had put
an end to it, and he and Sam had enjoyed a good laugh and some cake.
“Here’s a question: if you had to kill someone, how would you do it?” Avraniel tossed the question out like a flaming dagger.
“Excuse me?” Lillian stuttered. Her emerald eyes had gone wide with shock. “Kill someone?” If Timmy didn’t know better, he’d have said she was about to throw up. Luckily, his time around Gerald had led to him carrying a paper bag around for just such an occasion since the older man wasn’t always able to use his magic properly when he was in the midst of losing his lunch.
“Think fast!”
This time, instead of a question, Avraniel had tossed an actual flaming dagger. Timmy could immediately see that it wasn’t going to hit. It was aimed a few inches to the side of Lillian’s head, but the young woman wasn’t as perceptive. She gave a terrified wail, and the dagger jerked to a stop an instant later. Katie had caught it out of the air with her shadows. Timmy gave his apprentice a thumb’s up. She’d gotten faster with her shadows. All her training with the rats and her constant squabbling with Avraniel was paying off.
“What are you doing?” Katie growled. More shadows stirred, and Rembrandt brandished his sword.
“What does it look like, twerp? I’m testing her. What’s the point of having a maid if they can’t defend you from murderous assassins?”
“Just because you have a garden full of poisonous and carnivorous plants, a three-headed dog the size of a warhorse, and Spot doesn’t mean that everyone else has to be as paranoid as you. We’ve got the rats, thousands of zombies, enough runes and seals to hold off anything short of the apocalypse, and… other things for security. If our maids have to fight, and I’ll admit that some of do know how, then something has gone horribly wrong, and the world is probably about to end.” Katie glanced at Amanda. “Amanda can do her own fighting.”
“Fine. But don’t blame me if someone sneaks in and sets the people eater on fire.”
Timmy was about to point out that fire would not, in fact, kill Amanda before realising that if anyone were going to set the ancient vampire on fire, it would be Avraniel. And as much as Avraniel liked to brag, her fire magic was on a completely different level.
“All right,” Timmy said. “Let’s move on. Lillian, how do you feel about zombies as co-workers?”
They asked Lillian more questions, but Timmy could tell that Amanda had already made up her mind. Being an ancient vampire could have given her miraculous powers of insight… or maybe the paper cut on Lillian’s right index finger had already told Amanda everything she needed to know.
“I think we’ve asked enough questions,” Amanda said. “Lillian, I think you are eminently suited for the position. However, I do have a few questions of my own.” She glanced at Timmy, and he nodded. “Lord Bolton is the ruler of this castle, but you would be working for me. I’m sure you’ve been wondering why we wanted comely, young virgins.” Lillian gulped and nodded. If Timmy had to guess, she was probably wondering if this was where they dragged her off to a dungeon to sacrifice her to some primordial entity from beyond the stars. “Tell me, how do you feel about vampires?”
“I’ve… I’ve never met any.”
Apparently, Lillian hadn’t put it all together yet, and Timmy fought the urge to bash his head on the table. After having to put up with Katie and Avraniel bickering throughout the whole interview – he really shouldn’t have let them sit next to each other – he was going to scream and hit someone with a shovel if Lillian freaked out and turned down the position because she couldn’t handle vampires. He sat up straight and took on his most regal demeanour. Time to get this over with.
There were times for subtlety. This was not one of them. “Lillian, we want to hire you as a maid but also to feed her.” He pointed at Amanda. “She is a vampire. You are a comely, young virgin. You are thus the perfect snack for our blood-drinking friend.”
“She’s – she’s going to eat me?” Lillian jerked back. Her chair would have toppled over with her in it, but Katie steadied it with her shadows. “And – and it’s still daytime! Why isn’t she on fire?” Lillian stared at the rays of sunlight touching Amanda’s skin. “Vampires are supposed to catch fire in the sun, right? Is… is she some kind of super vampire?” Lillian looked like she was about to hyperventilate, and Timmy tossed her the paper bag he’d brought. She had to be related to Gerald. There was no way someone could go from wanting to throw up to hyperventilating the way Gerald could without being at least a little bit related to him.
“Vampires do not eat people,” Amanda replied archly. More of her noble lineage had seeped into her bearing, and Lillian immediately adjusted her posture, sensing that she was in the presence of a true noble, someone who had earned her title through excellence instead of merely inheriting it. “We merely drink blood. But, yes, I am a… super vampire although the correct term is ancient vampire.” She softened her expression and smiled. It didn’t help, possibly because it showed off her elongated canines. Timmy snickered. The fact that Amanda hadn’t bothered to conceal them with an illusion made him certain that the smell of Lillian’s blood was getting to her. She was hungry, and Lillian was a feast. “Lord Bolton is correct. I would like to drink your blood. It smells… absolutely delicious.”
“Oh.” Lillian gulped again and bit her lip. “I… the… the amount you’re offering to pay… it’s… it’s real, right?”
Amanda nodded. The ancient vampire had personally guaranteed the very, very generous remuneration packages her maids would be receiving. She had invested her money wisely over the years, and she had lived for an extremely long time. “Indeed, it is.”
Lillian took a deep breath to regather her composure. “Then… I’d like to ask some questions of my own.”
“Go ahead.” Timmy leaned back in his chair and gestured vaguely at Amanda. “We’ll do our best to answer. If you have any questions about vampires, ask Amanda. She’s the vampire. I’m just a necromancer.”
Lillian wrung her hands together. “When you say ancient vampire, what do you mean exactly?”
“I am older than Everton, and I am as far above a normal vampire as a dragon is above a lizard.”
“And like a dragon, you eat people,” Avraniel taunted. Katie took one look at Amanda and leaned back. The vampire gave Katie a small smile of gratitude and then plucked the dagger off the table. A flick of her wrist launched the weapon at Avraniel. All most people would have seen was a blur, but the elf snatched the dagger out of the air with a mocking laugh. “Oh, please, people eater. You’re not even trying.”
Lillian went back to breathing out of the paper bag for a few moments before she asked her next question. Timmy couldn’t blame her. If Amanda had thrown the dagger at a regular person, they’d be dead. All he could have done was dodge. Avraniel, however, was nowhere close to normal, and her speed and reflexes put other elves to shame. “Would… would I become a vampire if you drank my blood?”
“No,” Amanda replied calmly. “At worst you might become a ghoul, which is the fate of those who are drunk completely dry by a vampire who then uses their power to reanimate them as ghouls. However, I have no intention of drinking you dry, nor do I have any intention whatsoever of using my powers to turn you into a ghoul. When it comes to your blood, I shall only require some every few weeks. At worst, you might feel faint for a day or two. You shall most certainly not be in any danger of death or serious injury.”
“Oh.” Lillian’s hands were shaking so badly that Timmy was worried she would tear the paper bag. On the upside, she hadn’t run out of the room screaming at the top of her lungs. She must not have been related to Gerald, after all. It was what he would have done. “And about the accommodation…?”
“You would be staying in a room in my part of the castle, your own room.” Lillian’s eyes widened. It wasn’t unusual for maids to share rooms with each other, but the castle had plenty of room. “I shall admit that it is a tad dreary at the moment, but I am in the process of redecorating.�
�� Amanda gestured at her dress. As usual, the dress was exquisitely stylish, cut perfectly to flatter her figure with a colour designed to accentuate her features. “As you can see, my taste is impeccable.” Even her hair was perfect, her long, dark tresses pulled into an elaborate braid. “You may rest assured that my quarters and yours shall soon better reflect my sense of style. In addition to monetary compensation, you would also be receiving other forms of remuneration.”
“Other forms of remuneration?” Lillian clutched at the paper bag. “Do you mean… like… like blood?”
“Not exactly.” Timmy chuckled. “Allow me to explain.”
Timmy outlined the various other forms of remuneration Lillian would receive in addition to her pay, which was already very generous for a maid. She was entitled to a range of side benefits including, but not limited to, receiving combat training from the rats, getting zombies to smite her enemies, and having wraiths and various other spirits see to the safety of her loved ones. Such measures had proven to be quite useful in the past since some people didn’t seem to understand that messing with his employees was a bad idea. It was hard to find good employees, so Timmy went out of his way to take care of the ones he could find. It also gave him and Katie an excuse to test out their newest zombies and rituals.
Once he’d finished explaining, Lillian took several deep breaths out of the paper bag. Finally, she lowered the paper bag into her lap and gave them the most determined look she could muster. It was less than impressive. “I… I would like to be one of Lady Arthurs’s maids.”
“Excellent,” Timmy said. “Let me give you a copy of the contract we expect you to abide by. You have a week to think it over before we need a signed and notarised commitment. Does anyone have any objections?” The others all shook their heads. “Good. Lillian, you’re welcome to stay at the castle while you think things through, or I can offer you a flight and escort to one of the nearby villages.”
“If… if it’s all right, I’d like to stay here.”
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