God, that was a thought, wasn’t it? Who’d have thought the horrible little man had it in him to kill somebody? She’d always thought there was something wrong with him, but she’d also thought it was nothing that a little therapy couldn’t have fixed. Not that he’d ever seek help in a million years, but still… it was a possibility. She guessed not. To think that he’d come back to her house with a gun and killed her. It was infuriating … and almost embarrassing, when she thought about it. After two tours of duty to active warzones, killed by an ex-boyfriend as she lay in her bed. God, what a scumbag. And he’d have gotten caught immediately, too. Pathetic — couldn’t even organize an escape attempt. If Anna had killed Billy, she knew she’d have done a much better job of going on the run from the police.
None of this felt real — it was all like some crazy hallucination. But the truth still lay under it all like bedrock — she couldn’t go home. For all intents and purposes, even though the Sidhe had snatched her away just in time, she had died in the twenty-first century. Died that very night, in fact. But what would happen instead? It was difficult to get her head around how time worked… would she have just disappeared from her bed, then, with Billy turning up to murder her and finding an empty apartment? Or had it not happened yet, somehow? Would she have to wait four hundred years before she found out what happened? Impossible to say. And if she was honest, she didn’t really care. Anna had always been a fairly practical woman, and her tendency was to focus on the here and now, on what she could actually control.
Right. She lived here, now. This was her permanent home, this medieval Scottish castle — she lived here, and she’d live here until she died. The idea of leaving had occurred to her — of setting out across the hills and finding a new place to settle down. Alone, ideally. Perhaps she could start a farm, raise chickens, eat their eggs. Plant… some kind of crop? She wrinkled her nose, feeling the warmth of the fire on her face as it began to peter out. She didn’t know anything about farming. That wasn’t an option.
And besides… her imminent murder was only one reason for her removal from her own time. She hadn’t been brought here by chance. The Sidhe, for all their mysterious foibles, had intended for her to be here. She had work to do. She’d already done some of it, it seemed, in saving the servants from the wolf, preventing a terrible tragedy that would have unfolded there without her. She knew for a fact that Emily and Olivia and most of the people in that little group were alive as a direct result of her being brought here. So already, the Sidhe were out ahead, doing good work (in pure numbers terms at least) for the ‘keep as many people alive as possible’ effort. She’d keep doing that work if it killed her.
But what did Donal have to do with any of it? She’d been avoiding the idea of him ever since she’d made the decision to leave — he made her feel such complicated feelings that it was easier to just put him on the ‘too difficult’ pile, assuming he’d recede into the distance once she was gone. But she’d never be gone, it seemed. This was where she lived — this was where she was stuck for the rest of her life. So, she needed to fix the problems between them. Needed to find some useful resolution to their conflict. And … she hated to admit this, but Maeve was right. She needed to be more gentle with him. She needed to find a compromise. He was too stupid and bull-headed to see things her way — the right way — so she was going to have to do what Maggie said. Be like water. Be flexible, adaptable… find a way around his defenses to change his mind, slowly and carefully.
God. It was all too much. She didn’t want to grovel to this man — it was too hard, too humiliating, too much to deal with right now. There was so much work to do that she hadn’t even been aware she had to do… she hadn’t realized until now how much she was relying on the prospect of simply leaving the castle as soon as she could. Everything here was too real now. She winced a little, thinking of how sharply she’d spoken to Donal the other day when he’d come to visit her. Could she have played that better? Absolutely — if she’d known that she was stuck here for good.
Suddenly, embroidery wasn’t cutting it anymore. The fire had settled back down to embers, and there was a chill in the room that Anna decided she didn’t much like. And she’d been cooped up in here for far too long regardless. No guard on the door meant she was free to go where she pleased. She wouldn’t leave the castle and she wouldn’t cause trouble… but she was going to go for a walk, and she was going to clear her head, and everyone could just absolutely deal with it. Feeling murderous, and a little unhinged, and dangerously close to tears, Anna got to her feet and stalked toward the doorway, slamming her door behind her as she marched out into the corridor.
It was cold. How dare it be cold. The realization that she’d be here in Scotland for its famously cold winter made her shudder — if even a cooler summer’s day, overcast and rainy, made her feel miserably cold, how was she going to cope with ice and snow? Not very well, she assumed. Maybe she’d just freeze to death. That was one way out. Nobody could try to make her do whatever she was supposed to do for Donal if she was a human ice block. That made her burn a little with resentment, too. She’d been brought here because she was exactly what Donal needed? What was that supposed to mean? Was that all she had to offer the world — influencing a man to do the right thing for once in his life? No. She hated that. She almost wished Donal was here right now — she’d give him a piece of her mind.
Anna realized, in a rush, that what she really wanted was a drink. The thought of breaking into Brendan’s quarters and stealing his whiskey bottle occurred to her — but then she remembered their evening the night before. They’d definitely finished the bottle off. She remembered him tipping it upside down as the last few drops dripped from the bottle’s neck, both of them laughing tipsily at how much of the whiskey they’d gotten through. Well, that was a reason to wander around — she could go in search of whiskey. There had to be more of it around here somewhere. They were in Scotland, for God’s sake, what would be the point of living here without that one perk?
Right. The mission was whiskey. And despite her defiance, Anna found herself sidling rather coyly through the corridors, ducking her head when she came upon groups of people. But there was a strange energy in the castle. It seemed that the cycle of gossip had moved on — nobody seemed to look at her twice, nobody was interested to see her, nobody stopped her to ask her about the wolf. She was grateful for the lack of notice — it wouldn’t do to get in trouble for being out of her room, even if that was the natural implication of removing the armed guard from her door — but at the same time, she couldn’t help but feel a little bit resentful. Here she was, wounds still healing from the time she’d risked her life to save a bunch of servants, and nobody was even talking about it a couple of days later?
Not that she did brave things for the glory, she told herself, a little embarrassed by how hard she was taking it. It had just been an emotional day, that was all. She was sure the servants were still grateful for what she’d done… they were just worried about something else now. Anna found her way into the kitchens, where preparations for lunch were in full swing. She didn’t doubt Blair’s beady eyes would find her — sure enough, the woman spotted her within seconds, raising an intrigued eyebrow for a second before turning back to the lunch preparations. But the gossip, from what she could overhear, was all about the group of men that were staying in the village. She’d almost forgotten about what Maeve had told her that morning, the true reason for the removal of the guard on her door. Donal had bigger things to deal with than her, it seemed. That stung too, for some reason. And when she found a glass bottle that looked just like the one Brendan had had stashed in his drawer, she didn’t hesitate. Just grabbed it, stashed it inside her jacket, and made a beeline for her room. She hadn’t gotten properly drunk the night before. But the night before, she hadn’t known that she was stuck in Scotland forever, trapped out of time and place. The night before she’d been drinking for fun, for the pleasure of Brendan’s company. Now, she was drinking t
o get drunk. This was a medicinal trip.
Nobody seemed to have noticed she’d left her room, she realized as she padded back along the too-familiar hallway to where the single, empty chair signaled the castle’s lack of interest in her. Well, fine. She’d just get blackout drunk all by herself, if nobody gave much of a shit what she got up to. She slammed the door behind her, turning irritably to the room, which now felt cold in comparison to the crackling heat of the fire. Well, she knew what would fix that.
Anna opened the bottle of whiskey and set about obliterating her faculties with grim determination. She worked with such enthusiasm that she almost didn’t hear the knock on her door — and she nearly spilled the whole bottle of whiskey when she turned to see Brendan standing in her doorway.
Chapter 46
“Sorry,” he said, eyebrow raised. “I knocked and you didn’t answer, I assumed you weren’t in…”
“Oh, I’m in. I’m in for the duration, aren’t I?” she challenged him. The heat of the whiskey in her stomach was already beginning to addle her faculties, and she toasted him with the bottle before she took another swig. It really was good stuff, she had to admit. The one and only perk of being stuck here forever… and even then, it was probably possible to get good Scottish whiskey where she came from. No upsides, then. No upsides at all. An argument could be made for the handsome Scottish men, she supposed reluctantly, eyeing Brendan with a calculated air. But even flirting had been ruined a little by the knowledge that she was going to be here forever. It was no fun to flirt when there was a chance things could get awkward later. It had been entertaining to consider it while she thought she was going to be able to go back home… like a little holiday fling, a two-week whirlwind romance before returning to your real life. But now… well, that wasn’t an option anymore, no matter how interested she may be in the dark-haired man in front of her.
Was she really that interested in him, though? She frowned a little, giving it some thought. Hard to tell. She often reacted too strongly to the knowledge that men were interested in her. It must have something to do with her self-esteem, or something, that a man being attracted to her was enough of a reason to give him a chance, even if she felt nothing for him. She felt something for Brendan, though — but what was it, really? She liked him, appreciated that he knew she was a warrior… but was that all there was to it? Hard to say. Much easier to just keep drinking.
“Drinking in the middle of the day? Where’d you find that?”
“Kitchens,” she said. “Sorry. It was an emergency.”
“Emergency drinking, huh?” He came over to where she was sitting, pulled up a chair and joined her. She offered him the bottle after a pause — but he turned it away with a little shake of his head. “I can’t. I’m on duty.”
“On duty, hey? Coming to guard me, make sure I don’t slip out of my room? Too late.” She giggled, gesturing with the bottle. “But aren’t I a good girl? Came straight back to my little cage.”
“Donal had me pull the guard on your door,” Brendan explained, seeming to ignore her attempted barbs at her situation.
Fair enough, too, she thought irritably, she’d have done the same thing in his position. No sense getting dragged into a half-drunk prisoner’s list of little resentments.
“He wants the guards on the wall at full strength while there’s concerns about the visitors in the village. So — I think that means you’re cleared to wander the castle again, if you so choose.” Brendan quirked an eyebrow. “Though it looks like you’ve already come to that conclusion yourself.”
“I have,” she said firmly. “Stupid to keep me cooped up like that. I’m here for a purpose, you know?”
“Is that so?”
“Mm. The Sidhe, they wanted me here because of my skills. Like saving all those servants from that wolf. That’s because I’m skilled. Nobody notices or cares, but I am skilled. Nobody but you,” she allowed, patting him on the knee. “You’re good. Everyone else is a bastard. Especially Donal.”
“You’ll not get any disagreement from me there,” Brendan said, grinning at her. “He’s a stubborn old fool who doesn’t see the value of the people standing right before him.”
“That’s true! A leader should be able to see what people can do! Not just whether they’ve got breasts or not…”
Brendan cleared his throat. “Well, I don’t know how much that has to do with my situation, but…”
Anna giggled. “Well, you never know.” She tilted her head at him, the alcohol in her belly making her bold. “You like me, don’t you?”
“Of course,” he said.
“No. Like — you like me, like me.”
“Ah.” He looked a little hesitant, and she caught his eyes flick to the whiskey bottle in her hands. Impatiently, she got to her feet and put it on the table, raising her hands to the sky in an ‘I give up’ kind of gesture.
“I’m not drunk, just — fed up. I’ve had two or three drinks, maximum, I’m in complete control of my faculties, I just — I’m tired of messing around. You know? Just tell me. Let’s be adults about all of this.”
“You’re a very direct woman,” Brendan said, the corner of his mouth twitching.
He was very handsome when he suppressed a smile like that, Anna thought. But still… there was something about him that just didn’t spark with her. Not the way — and she hated to admit this, but it was true — not the way she felt with Donal. With Donal, it was like they could be struck by lightning at any minute, the charge between them was so electric. But Brendan… Brendan was kind, and warm, and amusing, but she didn’t feel any passion for him. She wished she did, if she was honest — it would probably be simpler, a relationship with a man like this. But with the clarity of the whiskey, she knew that Brendan just wasn’t the guy for her. And she didn’t want to lead him on. So, when he took a step toward her, reaching for her, she raised a hand and put it flat to his chest, stopping him in his tracks.
He looked confused — a little concerned. “I thought you wanted —”
“No,” she said softly, smiling a little. “No, I don’t think so. You’re good company, Brendan, and I like you a lot, but… no.”
“Are you sure?” That smile twitched at his lips again. “We could give it a go.”
“I don’t think so,” she said gently, raising an eyebrow. It was tempting, she had to admit… he was handsome, and warm, very available, very present in her quarters. It would be very easy to just drop back onto the bed, see how compatible they were physically… but some part of her knew that that was a bad idea, that it would cause more trouble than it was worth. Something like the clarity that she’d felt when Maggie had been with her earlier. The Sidhe hadn’t brought her back here to bed Brendan… she had another purpose looming in her future, and it wasn’t this.
“Fair enough,” he said thoughtfully. “Can I ask why?”
“I think you’re more interested in me because you suspect bedding me would bother Donal,” she said simply, smiling at him. “I don’t mind, truly. But — I’d rather not be a pawn in that argument. If I’m going to get entangled with someone, I’d prefer it be purely because that person is attracted to me, and not the chaos that bedding me would cause.”
Brendan stared down at her for a long moment, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Anna Clarke, you’re a very insightful woman.”
She snorted. “Tell Donal that.”
“I think I will,” he said, smiling a little. “Though you know yourself how good he is at listening…”
She rolled her eyes. “Bet he listens to you more than me.”
“You’d be surprised what kind of an impact you have on him, actually,” Brendan said gently. Then he turned toward the door. “Thank you for your honesty, Anna. I’ll not — “He cleared his throat. “I’ll not suggest anything improper again.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Anna said, grinning. “We were both thinking about it. It’s just not a good idea, overall.”
“True,” he all
owed. “But if you ever need a drinking buddy…”
“Oh, you’re top of my list, absolutely.”
He laughed, then left her to her whiskey. But somehow, the urge to get blackout drunk had eased off a little. It had been good, very good to clear the air with Brendan. Something about knowing that she was here for good made it more important to have conversations like that… important to set the groundwork of each relationship so that they could build on it properly. She looked forward to a friendship with the man. He was a good warrior — and as he’d said, a good drinking buddy. And he was close to Donal. Maybe together, they could work on turning the frustrating Laird into a better leader, a better listener, a better man. Like a craft project, she thought with amusement. She looked down at the bottle of whiskey, thoughtfully… she could still drink more, if she really wanted to. Get really drunk, spend the rest of the day in bed. But all of a sudden, she didn’t crave that obliteration anymore. The world seemed a little brighter after clearing the air with Brendan. Her urge to participate in castle life was returning.
So, she stashed the bottle of whiskey in the lowest drawer of her chest, careful to tuck it behind some fabric so it wouldn’t roll around when she opened it again. It was a nice way to chase the cold away on a cold evening, after all. She’d find a way to make it up to the kitchen staff for swiping it… maybe she could even go downstairs and help with lunch now. She tried balancing on one foot to scope out her level of inebriation and succeeded. She was fine. She wouldn’t try balancing any breakable plates any time soon, but she could definitely fetch and carry a little. So, she trotted downstairs, feeling surprisingly light on her feet.
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