The Water Goats, and Other Troubles

by Ellis Parker Butler

short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp thesilver case, I let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the caseand its precious contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. Foronly one instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he turned and randownstairs again.

  This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I hardly gavehim time to reach the dining-room door before I jerked the cable, andthe case was glowing in the upper hall. The burglar immediately stopped,turned, and mounted the stairs, but just as he reached the top I let thesilver slide down again, and he had to turn and descend. Hardly had hereached the bottom step before I had the silver once more in the upperhall.

  The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily defeated.With some word which I could not catch, but which I have no doubt wasprofane, or at least vulgar, he dashed up the stairs, and just as hishand touched the case I let the silver drop to the dining-room. I smiledas I saw his next move. He carefully removed his coat and vest, rolledup his sleeves, and took off his collar. This evidently meant that heintended to get the silver if it took the whole night, and nothing couldhave pleased me more. I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking withsuppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my mouthto smother the sound of my mirth. I did not allow the least pity for theunfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve.

  A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of uncommonbrain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from his hands drawingalong the banister, and that to husband his strength and to save time,he was sliding down. But this did not disconcert me. It pleased me. Thequicker he went down, the oftener he would have to walk up.

  For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get downto the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and just timeto reach the top before I lowered it, and then I grew tired of thesport--for it was nothing else to me--and decided to finish him off. Iwas getting sleepy, but it was evident that the burglar was not, andI was a little afraid I might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. Theburglar had that advantage because he was used to night work. So Iquickened my movements a little. When the burglar slid down I gavehim just time to see the silver rise through the ceiling, and when heclimbed the stairs I only allowed him to see it descend through thefloor. In this way I made him double his pace, and as I quickened mymovements I soon had him dashing up the stairs and sliding down againas if for a wager. I did not give him a moment for rest, and he was soonpanting terribly and beginning to stumble; but with almost superhumannerve he kept up the chase. He was an unusually tough burglar.

  But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the glowingcase was all I let him have at either end of his climb or slide. Nosooner was he down than it was up, and no sooner was the case up thanhe was up after it. In this way I kept increasing his speed until it wassomething terrific, and the whole house shook, like an automobile witha very powerful motor. But still his speed increased. I saw then thatI had brought him to the place I had prepared for, where he had but oneobject in life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and asI was now so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I hadintended to do from the first. I lowered the case until it was exactlybetween the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of the hallabove--and turned out the electric light. I then tied the steel cablesecurely to the head of my bed, turned over, and went to sleep, lulledby the shaking of the house as the burglar dashed up and down thestairs.

  Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was deep anddreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran himself to deathsometime between half-past three and a quarter after four. So great hadbeen his efforts that when I went to remove him I did not recognize himat all. When I had seen him last in the glow of the glass silver casehe had been a stout, chunky fellow, and now his remains were those ofan emaciated man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds offlesh before he gave out.

  Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but half adozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and a sugarspoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, and to save thisI had made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet worthtwenty-nine dollars. But I have now corrected this. I have bought fiftydollars worth of silver.