I didn't know where we were going. I was worried as we hadn't had time to take any food or drink with us, so we would be hungry later. And I was sad, as we were leaving Mum and Dad behind. I didn't think they would be in the road anymore, not after all this time, but they were back there somewhere and now we were going I knew that I had missed my chance to see them again, and give them one last goodbye cuddle.
#
We walked for about ten minutes. We went past the car-park we parked in when we used to come to Canterbury, so we must have been going back in the same direction we had come from. For a little while, I thought that maybe Valerie was taking us all the way home, but he stopped outside a house well before we reached the army barracks and pointed to it.
"One night," he told us, holding up a finger in case we didn't understand him. "One night. Go."
"Does he mean we just stay here tonight?" I asked Ben. "Or can we stay tomorrow, too?"
Ben shrugged. "I don't know what he's on about."
We started to walk to the house. The door was open a little. "One night," he said again.
"Whatever," Ben replied, which I thought was a bit rude, bearing in mind he had just saved us.
"Jack. Doggies!"
I looked at him. He had his hand in his pocket. He brought out a bar of chocolate and offered it to me. I took it. I gave him a hug. He gave me a little hug back and ruffled my hair. I remembered the photo of his children he had shown us when we had first met, and hoped he would see them again. It's horrible, children losing their Dads or Mums.
"Goodbye, Jack."
"Goodbye, Valerie."
"Goodbye, Fido."
Ben said nothing. He just stood there, waiting for me to come to him. I think he was cross because I had given Valerie a hug, but I didn't care as it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and Mum always said that if something seems like the right thing to do, then it probably is.
Valerie started running away, back towards Canterbury. He looked like he was in a hurry.
I walked towards the house.
"No," Ben said.
"No?"
"We don't know if it's safe in there."
"He said it was."
"I rest my case." (That's what lawyers say on the TV when they've said something clever).
"What are we going to do, then?"
"We're going home."
"What now? It's still dark!"
"It's nearly morning. And the moon's out. I want to go home now you're better. I don't like it here."
I nodded. I didn't like it here either. I wanted to go home, too.
So we went.
#
It was really hard walking back to Ramsgate. My knees were hurting so much, even though I had rested them at the house in Canterbury, and both of us had lost a lot of weight through not eating properly. My belt was two holes tighter around my waist. But I tried not to keep asking for a rest, as we were going home and I would be back in my own bedroom and things would be better when we were there (as long as the men didn't bang on our front door in the night).
There were photos of Mum and Dad back home, which is another reason why it would be good to be back. We had lost the three albums Mum had brought with her, thanks to that plane, but there were lots more in the cupboard, and I really wanted to see their faces again. Every time I thought of them now, they were dead, and I thought that if I could see them in photos when they were alive and happy, it might give me my good memories back again.
We reached the field where all the tents had been. Most of them had gone. Before, there had been an army of them, all over the field, so it was hard to see an empty space on either side of the road. Now, there was just the odd tent or two, a long way apart. They must have all gone when they heard that the Russians had got into Canterbury. Where they had gone was a bit of a mystery; I don't think there would have been enough room for everyone in Ramsgate, as it's quite small as towns go.
Ben wanted me to sit down while he had a wander round to see if anyone had left anything behind worth having. I told him that that was stealing, but he said that it wasn't stealing if they'd left it behind as it meant that they didn't want it any more.
I wanted to come with him, but he pointed out that I needed to rest my knees, which was true. So I sat on the grass while he walked around the field, after he had agreed to always stay in sight of me so I knew where he was if anything bad happened.
He didn't find anything. He said there was a pair of dirty old pants in the mud, off near the trees, and we both laughed about that. But there was no food, and nothing worth having. He had found a couple of empty tents, and we talked about taking one with us, but we decided that it would be too heavy, and once we got home we wouldn't need it anyway.
As we walked off, I asked him whether he had a key to our home.
"I hadn't thought of that. No. Mum and Dad had a key each. I haven't got one."
I stopped walking. "What are we going to do, then? We can't get in."
"We'll get in."
"No, we won't. Those men couldn't get in when they were kicking the door."
"We will. Keep going."
So we started walking again. I watched his face when he wasn't looking at me, to see if he was worrying about the key. It was hard to know what he was thinking. His face was kind of blank.
I didn't like not talking. I felt a bit better if we were saying things to each other, even if they were about things which weren't very nice. "I miss Mum and Dad."
"Me, too."
"Who do you miss most?"
"What?"
"Who do you miss most? Mum or Dad?"
"Both the same."
"Me, too."
"Stupid question."
"I just wondered, that's all."
We walked on. I was having to do all the work when we were talking, as he was just answering my questions. But I still wanted to talk, so I kept going.
"I spy, with my little eye -"
"I'm not playing that game. It's for babies."
"I am a baby."
"I know."
I pretended to cry like a baby. He rolled his eyes, but there was a tiny little smile on his face. I kept going, but the smile disappeared quite quickly so I stopped crying, and tried to think of something else to talk about instead. But before I could think of something, Ben said:
"It wasn't my fault."
"What. What wasn't?"
"What happened to Mum and Dad."
"Why would it be your fault?"
"It wasn't."
"I know. I didn't say it was."
I didn't know what he was talking about. It was the Russians. He hadn't done anything.
"It's just that when Mum was thinking of going back home, after that play-area, I kept walking and told her that we should still go to Canterbury to see Nan. Do you remember? You did, too, but you're only eight so it's not really your fault. I knew that something bad was going to happen. I could feel it, you know? I should have let her take us back home, like she said she was going to. And I definitely should have noticed when Dad wandered off."
"I should have, too."
"You're a baby, though, like I said. It was down to me. It was my job."
"You're not a grown-up. You were trying to be nice. It wasn't your fault."
"That's what I'm saying."
I didn't know what he wanted me to say. He was telling me that it wasn't his fault, and then he was saying that it was, and then he was telling me again that it wasn't.
I gave him a friendly punch in the arm, and hoped that would be enough.
#
We reached Wingham well after lunchtime (even though we didn't actually have any lunch to eat). I was hoping that the ladies would still be there with their tea, as I really needed a drink. The table had moved from one side of the village to the other, so it looked like they had been given tea to the people coming from the tent-town we had seen that morning. But there were no ladies there now. I wondered where they had gone and whe
ther they were okay.
There were still a couple of flasks on the table, and we tipped them up as high as they would go to see if any tea would come out, but there was nothing left in them at all. Someone else had drunk them dry.
There was a village shop. The door was open. We went inside, as there was no Dad to stop us taking anything if there was anything there worth taking. It was empty. A couple of the shelves had been pulled over, as if someone had got cross, but there was nothing on them we could eat. Not even tuna.
As we were walking through the village, a man came out of his house and waved for us to come over. "Alright, lads?"
Ben ignored him and crossed the road to avoid him. I gave him a wave as it was rude not to.
"What are you doing over there? Come on, lads. I've got food inside."
Ben kept walking.
"He's got food," I whispered to Ben.
"Maybe."
"He has! He just said."
"Keep walking."
The man crossed over the road towards us. He was quite old; older than Mum and Dad, but maybe not quite as old as Nan. "Lads! Where are you going? Didn't you hear me? I've got food indoors."
Ben ignored him. He stood in front of us. Ben stopped, so I stopped, too.
"What do you want?"
"I don't want anything. I'm offering you lunch. You must be hungry. You look as if you haven't eaten for days."
"We haven't," I replied. "Except for chocolate. Doggies, I mean."
I laughed, but he looked at me as if I was mad.
"Valerie thought it was called "doggies." But it was just normal chocolate."
He smiled at me. "Of course it was. You like chocolate, do you, son? I've got plenty of it in my house. Come and see. You can have as much as you like."
"No thank you," Ben said before I could answer for myself. He tried to walk around the man, and I tried to follow, but he blocked my way.
"You can have all the chocolate for yourself, then, if your brother doesn't want any. You shouldn't let him boss you around like that. Come on. I've got plenty to drink as well. Are you thirsty?"
"I'm very thirsty."
"What are you waiting for, then? Come on. I'm just over there. That house. Your brother can wait outside if he likes, but there's no reason why you should miss out, right?"
Ben held my hand. "He's staying with me."
"He can make his own mind up, can't he? He's a big boy now, he doesn't need you to tell him what to do. Come on, Son, let's get that chocolate out the cupboard. What do you want to drink?"
"I want to stay with Ben."
"Of course you do. Okay, just stand in the hallway and I'll get you the chocolate, okay? Where's the harm in that? You don't want to miss out. What's your favourite chocolate? I bet I've got some."
Ben tried to walk past him again. He grabbed his arm. He looked angry now. "Would you get in that house now? I'm asking nicely."
And then a man was coming out of the house a few doors down from us. He ran over to us, and pulled the other man away. "What did I say to you?" he shouted at him. He was really angry, too. "I told you to leave the kids alone."
"I was just checking they were okay. I wasn't doing any harm."
The second man started swearing at him. The man with the chocolate started swearing back.
Ben made a run for it. He ran quite slowly, so I could keep up. I looked over my shoulder, and the second man was punching the chocolate man, who was trying to punch him back (but the second man was winning as he was stronger). I was glad I had Ben with me, as the chocolate man had seemed quite nice, but he couldn't have been or the other man wouldn't be hitting him for talking to us. I didn't really know the rules, and I didn't have Mum and Dad to look after me anymore.
We ran as long as my knees would bear it. We passed the road which we had come from with Mum and Dad, but Ben kept running and I thought he must know where he was going so I followed him without saying anything. I think that must have been the short cut, as we were walking for ages after we went past it. When I couldn't run any further, we stopped. The road was straight, so if the chocolate man came after us we would be able to see him coming and run away again. He was a grown-up, so he would be able to run faster than us, but he was old so he would probably get tired quickly and we thought we would be fine if we had a head-start.
We sat on the grass, keeping an eye out in case we had been followed.
"I'm glad you're here," I said.
"I'm glad you're here, too."
"I thought that man was being nice. I thought he really had chocolate."
"I think he was just saying that to get us in his house."
"Why? What did he want?"
"Bad stuff."
"Such as?"
"It doesn't matter. We're safe now."
I decided not to ask him again. Sometimes, it's better not to know. "Thank you for looking after me."
He shrugged. He looked embarrassed.
I wanted to make him smile again, to thank him for looking after me. I barked, but that didn't work. He just looked sad.
"It wasn't your fault," I told him again, in case that helped.
He hung his head, as if he'd done something naughty. "I know." But it didn't sound as if he did.
#
We saw planes go overhead from time to time. Most of them were going in the same direction as we were, but some were heading back towards Canterbury. We didn't know for sure whether they were Russian planes or ours, but as there weren't any of our soldiers left I thought the planes were probably theirs, too.
We heard bombs falling sometimes, but we couldn't see them. The nearer we got to Ramsgate, the louder they got. We were going home, and they were still bombing us. I started to worry that maybe when we got home, our house would be a heap of rubble like the other houses we saw. But we didn't have another plan, and we wanted to be home so much, so we carried on walking anyway.
It was getting dark now. We had been walking all day. My knees hurt so much that I can't even describe it. My tummy was still a bit ill, too, but you won't want to hear about that. And I was really thirsty. I had kind of got used to not eating, but my throat was so sore from not drinking that I just wanted to sit down and cry. I was walking slower and slower, which was making Ben worried but he didn't say anything because he knew I was trying my best.
There were some men up front, six or seven of them, standing in the road. We saw them before they saw us. Ben stopped, and I stopped, too.
"I don't trust them," he told me.
I didn't say anything back. I didn't trust them either. I didn't trust anyone very much anymore, except Valerie and I didn't think we would ever see him again (we didn't). But we had to walk past them to get to Ramsgate. I was worried that Ben would make us go back to Canterbury again. I couldn't make it back to Canterbury. I wasn't sure I could make it to Ramsgate, and the sign we had passed half an hour ago said that that was just four or five miles away (I forget which now).
They saw us. One of them said something to the others, and they all started looking at us. I half expected them to start chasing us, but they just stood where they were, watching us.
Ben was looking more and more worried. He looked back over his shoulder, as if deciding whether to go back to Canterbury. I was scared to keep walking, but there was no way we could go back. So I started walking forward again.
"Jack, no. I don't think it's safe. I don't like the look of them."
I ignored him and kept walking. I thought about telling him that it was safe, but I know he wouldn't believe me. I thought about telling him that I couldn't go back to Canterbury because my knees were hurting and I felt sick with thirst, but I didn't think he would see that as a good enough reason. So I just kept walking, and hoped he would follow me, because if he stayed where he was I would have to stop as I wasn't brave enough to walk right up to those men all on my own, especially now it was getting dark. Whatever happened to me, I wanted him to be with me when it did.
I got maybe t
wenty metres before I heard him hurrying after me. I can't tell you how glad I was when I heard him coming.
"I'm still not sure about this."
"Me neither," I said, but I kept walking all the same.
It took us a few minutes to reach them. All except one of them walked into the middle of the road, so they were standing together as we got nearer. The other one sat by the side of the road. He was looking at us, too, but he didn't get up. He was tired, I expect.
It felt really weird, walking towards them when they were staring at us, like being in a school play when the mums and dads are looking at you when you are saying your lines, only worse because there's no way that mums and dads are going to beat you, whether they like you or not.
When we were just ten metres or so away, one of them started walking towards us. Ben stopped. I wanted to keep on going, but I was frightened to without Ben so I stopped as well.
Normally, when grown-ups talk to you, they say something like "hello" or "good afternoon" or "alright?" before they say what they want to say, but this man didn't bother with any of that. "You got any food?" he asked.
I let Ben do the talking.
"No."
"Euros?"
"Euros?" Ben sounded surprised. Euros are what you get in France, and we were still in England. I don't know why he wanted Euros when we use pounds. But that's what he asked us for.
"No. Nothing."
"Turn out your pockets."
Ben turned out his pockets. He had nothing but toilet-roll-tissue, which had broken up into little pieces.
The man told me to do the same. I did as I was told. I had tissue, too, the top of a water bottle, and three squares of chocolate. Ben gave me a look when he saw the chocolate, because he didn't know I had it. I think he thought that I was keeping it for myself, but I wasn't. It was what was left of what Valerie had given me, which I had been saving for an emergency. I thought that one day, Ben might get so hungry that he fainted, and I was keeping the chocolate so that I could give it to him and make him alright again. I knew that if I told him I was saving it, he would make me eat it, and just for once I wanted to do something for him.
The man took it off me.
The man sitting on the ground called over to him. "That's all they've got. Let them go."
The English Refugee: The Day It Happened Here Page 14