by Maisey Yates
After all that settled, she could bring herself to rise.
She was thankful that Gunnar had suggested they come and live at the palace when they returned. Because that put her in proximity with Astrid very often, and, it meant that they had a whole range of staff available at all times, and given that Latika was currently feeling quite down, it was exceedingly helpful.
Physically, she might be diminished, but emotionally things were going better than she could’ve possibly asked.
She was having a fortunate moment when she went out onto the terrace to sit in a lounger, in the pale sun making a weak appearance in the pale sky.
That was when Gunnar came out to find her there.
“How are you feeling?”
She smiled, a strange, warm sensation flooding her.
Gunnar had told her a few weeks ago that he didn’t know what love was.
Latika was beginning to think that she did. She felt that every time she looked at him. Every time she thought about him.
“I just wanted to come and tell you that I will be heading to San Diego tonight.”
That startled her. “Why?”
“There’s a big project opportunity, but there’s been a snag with some of the planning. I need to see to it in person.”
“Let me go with you,” she said.
“There’s no need,” he said.
“Why not?”
“You don’t feel well,” he said. “In any way, you will be well taken care of here in the palace. And you will have Astrid around you. Wouldn’t you prefer that?”
“Would I prefer your sister’s company to yours?”
“She’s your friend, after all,” Gunter said.
“And you’re my husband,” Latika responded. “I’m not sure why you don’t think that takes precedence.”
“Ours is not a conventional marriage,” he said. The way he said it, so casually, hurt her. And she knew that perhaps that wasn’t fair. He wasn’t wrong.
Theirs was not a conventional marriage. It never had been. She had thrown herself at him in a crowded ballroom and demanded his protection, when he was in a position of such public visibility he had no choice but to go along with what she done.
But over the past weeks their marriage had felt conventional enough. In fact, it had felt more than conventional. They had slept together, shared with each other. Grown together.
He had begun to feel like the most important, defining piece of her life.
With Gunnar, she had found something that she hadn’t found with anyone else.
He seemed to accept her for who she was. More than that, he seemed to enjoy all that she was.
He shared his business information with her, and complimented her on the way her mind worked. He valued her mind, he valued her body. Every piece of her seemed important to Gunnar.
How could she feel anything but adoration for him?
He also got angry with her sometimes, and she liked that even better. Because it showed her that he could want her even when their interaction wasn’t companionable. That he didn’t require her to be perfect in order to want her company. In order to want to kiss her and pleasure her and be inside of her.
Everyone else had only ever wanted her on their terms, with the exception of Astrid, who had been her truest friend.
And in Gunnar, she had found a man who cared for her that way, and she could not understand why he might think that wasn’t earth shattering.
“Our marriage might not be conventional,” she said softly. “But it’s important. I find that I’m not happy when you aren’t around, Gunnar. And I should like to go with you to San Diego.”
He regarded her, his expression unreadable.
“It would be best if you stayed home,” he said.
“I don’t understand. Why would you care either way?”
She suddenly felt very silly. Arguing over whether or not he should bring her. Truthfully, it was kind of sad. Because if he didn’t want her there then she should just accept it. It was difficult to do, when she wanted him like she did. It was difficult, because she wished more than anything that he would crave her company in the same way she craved his. But if he didn’t... Then, even if he agreed to bring her along it was something of an empty victory. No, it was more than an empty victory.
It was a loss, and she a bad loser. But she wasn’t sure right then if she cared, mostly because she wanted to know why. Wanted to know why he was avoiding spending time with her.
Maybe he just needs space. And the fact that for you it’s a revelation that someone wants your company some of the time is a bit more of a novelty for you than it is for him.
Perhaps.
Except, she knew all he had been through with his father. And she had a feeling that this wasn’t an entirely familiar situation for him either.
“If you want to go by yourself, you can. But I’m not sure why you think I might be an impediment,” she said slowly. “Unless there’s something happening you don’t want me to know about.”
She truly didn’t think that Gunnar would be unfaithful to her. She didn’t know why she thought that. He had never once sworn his fidelity to her, beyond when they had taken their wedding vows, and at that time both of them had been lying, since neither of them had had plans to sleep with each other then.
“I’m not going to be manipulated, Latika,” he said, his voice suddenly turning to shards of ice. “That was what my father did to me. Manipulation. All the damn time. And you trying to make me feel guilty, trying to make me feel concerned by the questioning of my character is not going to make me change my mind.”
“I wasn’t manipulating you,” she said. She felt horrified that he might think that, but then she looked closely at his face, and she saw he lacked sincerity.
He didn’t think that she was manipulating him. Not really. Not deep in his heart. And that meant he was the one doing the manipulating.
“What’s going on? That is not a leading question, neither is it manipulative. But you’re being strange. We’ve been close to each other these past weeks.”
“We have been sleeping together.”
“More than that. You swore to protect me.”
“Leaving you in a palace surrounded by guards, and with your best friend is hardly walking back on my promise to protect you.”
That was true enough.
“Well, then maybe it’s more than that. Maybe I want more. Gunnar... I have always been surrounded by people who wanted to use me in some fashion. And you... It isn’t like that with us.”
“Latika, it is the very definition of that with us. You needed protection. I needed a way to improve my reputation. And so here we both are.”
She couldn’t do this. Not with him. She’d been on a quest for freedom, for the life that she would have been destined for if not for...well, if not for her life.
And that was the problem, she realized.
She couldn’t be Latika without her past. Without the years she’d spent with her parents, then the years that followed in Bjornland. It had all been her life, and it had made her into the woman she was.
A woman who loved the man she had married.
She was not waiting on this. She wouldn’t let him leave without him knowing.
“No. That was true when it first began. What we have now isn’t that. It isn’t for me. Gunnar... I’ve fallen in love with you.”
He drew back as though she had slapped him. “No,” he said, his voice like iron. “You don’t love me.”
“I do,” she said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about that. What love is. Because you asked the other day. Because you said you didn’t know. But I think... Gunnar, I think that you exemplify love more than anyone I’ve ever known. With no regard to your own safety or comfort you protected your sister. For no glory and no advancement. You shielded me from R
agnar, even though you could have easily acted like I was a crazy person throwing myself at you the way that I did.”
“And put your life at risk? How reasonable is that?”
“Let me finish,” she said. “And then you came for me. You came for the baby. Even though you didn’t know if you could be a good father. Even though it terrified you.”
“How can you possibly act as if I exemplified love in any way through those actions. You remember what I said to you. The night that we first made love.”
“I do. I remember it well, because it hurt me. It hurt me deeply. But it wasn’t the final thing you did. Those were words, Gunnar. You took the appropriate steps, the appropriate action to fix those words, and that matters more.”
“But some things cannot be erased.”
“No, but they can be forgiven.”
“Just like that?”
“It isn’t just like anything,” she said. “But we’ve had weeks where you have demonstrated to me that the things you said that night were spoken in anger. Anger that came from a very understandable place of fear. You had a plan for your life, Gunnar, and this was in it. I understand that. And also, when push came to shove, you came for your child. You came for me. And since then, you have demonstrated all of those things I just said. And through it all, you’ve shown me what I want for my life.”
“It’s just another cage, Latika. Don’t thank me for putting you in another cage.”
“What?”
“You are...conditioned to make the best out of a bunch of very bad situations. You chose to be here, you chose to be Astrid’s assistant because the alternatives to you were vile. And our marriage is no different. Now you find yourself with child, and you see the benefits to the two of us being married, over the benefits of us being separated. That doesn’t mean it’s what you would have chosen. With an entire world at your disposal. I was one of two options placed in front of you, and you took the one that would not result in your abuse and torture. And then, I presented you with very few options when I came to London to collect you.”
“You didn’t threaten me. And you gave me a great many opportunities to tell you no, if you don’t remember.”
“But I would have threatened you,” he said. “If you had not come with me, I would have threatened to take your baby from you. And I think on some level you knew that. I wasn’t going to let you waft off into the distance with my child, disavow all connection of my blood with me. You knew I wouldn’t allow it.”
“I didn’t know any such thing. I did not make the decision to go with you under duress. I left you under duress. I separated myself from you in San Diego under duress. I wanted to be with you. I was upset when you said those things to me because I wanted you to be a different man. Because the man that I saw hints and glimpses of was one that I knew I could fall in love with. And I wanted more of that man. Well, in the past weeks you have given it to me. And I... I would choose you. With the whole world before me. I would choose you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.”
“You’ve never had enough freedom to be confident in that fact.”
“By your standards, does anyone? Maybe only you. Except, even then you had your reputation to consider. Who chooses a partner with nothing in their life coming into play? Who chooses a partner with no consideration for anything? Very few people, Gunnar, so if circumstances make it so that my feelings don’t count, then I would say that most relationships are invalidated. People find love. They find it in the strangest places. They find it in adversity. They have always done so. Whether it’s because our hearts crave companionship, or because fate finds ways to wind our paths together no matter what, I don’t know. But I know that love finds us. And it has found me. It has found me here with you.”
“I don’t believe in love,” he said, his face hard like stone. “And I certainly don’t believe in it with the way things have happened between us. How can it be real? These are trying times, the have found us entwined. It’s not fate, but a series of choices. Choices made out of desperation. Choices made by evil men. And none of them yours to be made freely.”
“I just told you...”
“And I feel it is something you need to tell yourself. Because otherwise, here you are pregnant with my child and in a sense, it’s just sadly inevitable. Because you weren’t exposed to other men. Because you were never given the chance to marry another. Because a jailer without sadistic tendencies looks alarmingly attractive next to one who enjoys causing pain.”
She would not let him win. She would not let him reduce her. She returned volley. “All of my life I’ve had people telling me what they thought was good for me. I won’t let you do it too. You have trusted me. You gave me selection power over your bride in the first place. You showed me your business, and you’ve been consulting me on certain things. How can you now decide that I’m ignorant and know nothing?”
“All right, Latika, have it your way. You understand your heart. You understand your mind. You love me. But your love is misguided and misdirected. Because I do not love you. I cannot. Love means nothing to me, so if you’re seeking to offer it as some kind of gift or prize, then I think you truly misunderstand who I am.”
“How can love mean nothing to you? Look at Astrid. Look at how much she cares for you. And surely your mother...”
He cut her off with cold, decisive words.
“My mother knew that I was being tortured,” he said, his voice hard. “She did nothing. My loving mother. She didn’t care one bit what my father did to me. Because I wasn’t the child that mattered to her. I existed to be a pawn in my father’s eyes. And I was nothing in my mother’s. Do not ask me to cling to some source of love that believe me never existed.”
Latika’s heart curled in on itself. Pain lancing through her. “Your mother knew?”
“Why do you think...” He stopped himself, paused for a moment, before continuing. “Why do you think I am so certain that there is no part of me who would do well with a child? It doesn’t come from nothing. My own family was so very broken, Latika. I have offered what I can offer. And beyond that...there is nothing.”
“I don’t believe that. I just don’t. I believe there’s more. I believe that you have more to give. I do. Down in my soul I believe it.”
“Because you want to see this as something you can hope for. Because you want to see it as something you weren’t trapped in. But you are. You are trapped, as am I. We are trapped with the child between us, and what can be done? You would have lies. You would lie to yourself. You would lie to me. You would try and make all of this something that you could latch onto. But it is just more of life’s cruelty. You are a good woman, to be able to possess the power to feel the way that you do after what you have been through. But you have been shackled to a man who cannot. And there is no fixing it.”
“Gunnar...”
“No. I’m going to San Diego. And while I am there I will go about my business as if we are not married. Do you understand me? I will be what I am. Pure. Through and through. And when the world sees that, they will not judge you for leaving me. And that is what you will do. You will leave me.”
“What about your reputation?”
“I don’t care.”
“I thought it was for Astrid.”
“Have I not pledged to you to protect you? To protect the child? This is how it will be done. I do not recall making it a discussion. Astrid will find her own way. She is resilient. And what I’m doing... It is simply a holdover from when I was a boy, taking on my father’s torture in the name of keeping her safe.” A sad smile tipped his lips upward. “Perhaps I was never truly protecting her. I sometimes wonder that. Perhaps she never needed me. For she had all the strength that she possesses now, and she had the protection of my mother. I thought that perhaps my mother saw me as a source of protection for her precious daughter. But I thi
nk more she accepted that I was a distraction from my father’s rage. He decided to try and use me to do his will, and he found me immovable. And I suspect that my mother imagined it was just as well. I was a worthy sacrifice either way.”
“So that’s what you’re doing again? Martyring yourself?”
“It would only be martyring if it was something I didn’t want. And I never wanted this life. Not really. So which one is martyrdom?”
She didn’t have an answer for that. Not really. All she knew was that in her heart she felt like she and Gunnar had something special. Something important. But he was standing there with his eyes cold telling her that they didn’t. So perhaps it was true. Maybe he did not care for her. Not even a little. Not even at all. Maybe there were no feelings between them, and she had been desperate to conjure them up. Because they were together. Because she had shared her body with him. Because he had given her a child.
“I love you,” she said, the words broken. “And I don’t care about pride.”
Suddenly, she was desperate, emotion clawing at her chest. “I don’t care about my safety. Please don’t give your body to another woman, Gunnar, it’s mine. I love it so much. I love you so much. You’re mine, and I would choose you every time. Every single time. And I hated you on site because I knew that I could never have you. Because I knew that a man like you was beyond my reach. And maybe I did manipulate the situation asking you to marry me. Asking for your protection. But your protection was the only one I wanted.”
She took a deep, sharking breath and continued, “I could have thrown myself at Astrid’s feet. I could have simply used my connection to her to keep myself safe. But I didn’t. I didn’t mean to manipulate you, but I did. And for that I must apologize, because I know how much you hate it. But don’t ever underestimate the power of choice. Because I did choose you. I did. We could go on all day about what my options were, and why you were the best one. But I know in my heart why you were the one I chose. Because you’re beautiful. And brilliant. Because I was so enraged by your exploits with other women because I was jealous. Because I found your beauty so magnetic and undeniable I couldn’t turn off my response to you when we were in the same room, and it terrified me. I want to be with you,” she said. “From now and until always. When we took our vows I didn’t know what I wanted. I was confused.”