by L A Cotton
The bedroom door flung open and Molly dashed through it, giggling and gasping for breath. Rafe flopped back against the couch, letting out a small sigh, the almost-moment between us gone.
“It’s mine now, buddy,” Molly shrieked, “I’m goin’ to sell that shit on eBay, make myself a small fortune.” She hurried past us, Hudson hot on her heels.
“We should probably get the two of you back,” Rafe said, “before that becomes all-out war.” He flicked his head to where Hudson had tackled Molly to the floor, the two of them wrestling for whatever it was my best friend had stolen.
“You’re probably right,” I let out a little sigh of my own. “You grab Hudson and I’ll deal with Molly?”
Rafe stood up and offered me his hand. “Deal.” His fingers curled around mine, his touch like wildfire. Heat crept up my neck and into my cheeks and a slow smirk tugged at his mouth, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. Exactly how he was affecting me.
His gray eyes dropped to my lips and he swallowed, making no effort to move. “We should, uh…”
“Yep.” I yanked my hand away and fluffed my hair, trying to think about anything but how much I wanted Rafe Hunter to kiss me.
And how much I didn’t deserve it.
“What are you doing?” I ask Cody, peering over his shoulder, watching as his pencil brushes over the sketch pad in large sweeping arcs. The black swirls are a stark contrast to his usual portraits. Nurses. Patients. Doctors. Even the hospital porters. Cody has drawn them all at some point. He’s only ten, but his talent is endless; his sketches somewhat of a talking point on Ward 10 at Jamesboro County.
“It’s bad news, Eva.” His voice is flat, and my heart aches at his words.
“No,” I breathe. “They said it was looking good, that the surgery—”
“They were wrong.” He finally gives me his eyes and my heart cracks a little more.
Cody is my one of my favorite people here. A ray of sunshine in a place that can feel so cold and clinical and downright depressing. But today he’s a storm cloud, sucking the slither of hope I have into his black void.
“It’s okay,” I say, sliding into the seat beside him. “They’ll have a plan. There’ll be other treatments they can—”
“It’s the end, Eva.”
“The end?” My voice wobbles. “It’s not the end, silly”. I laugh but it comes out strangled and wrong. “You have your whole life ahead of you.”
“Evangeline,” he stops drawing and places his hand atop of mine, “it’s okay.”
But it’s not.
Nothing about this is okay.
I’ve known Cody since the first day I walked in Jamesboro County Hospital. That was almost eight months ago. And despite our age difference, Cody gets it. He gets me. He understands what it’s like to find out you’re sick. To fight day in, day out, the cancer poisoning your body. Slowly killing you. He knows the pain of being a human pin cushion. The grim side effects of intense chemotherapy. Cody knows things no ten-year-old should ever know.
He starts sketching again, the black scrawl slowly morphing into faces. Eyes, noses, smiles of the kids we’ve seen come and go.
“Cody, what are you...” my voice trails off as the faces begin to shift and melt, the black masses stretching and shifting until four gravestones sit there.
My heart hammers against my rib cage, my skin growing clammy as I press my hands against my thighs, fighting the tears building. “Why are you doin’ that, Cody?” I ask shakily.
“You can’t fight Death, Eva. I can feel him coming for me.”
“It’s not fair,” my resolve breaks, tears spilling my down my cheeks. “You’ve fought so hard, Cody. It can’t be the end.”
He keeps drawing, filling the page with more and more gravestones. Gray and black shadows filling the spaces between them like lingering souls.
“There was so much I wanted to do. To see and experience.” His voice isn’t sad, only resigned. But it splits me wide open until I can barely see through my ugly sobs.
“Eva.” He turns to look at me, his face ashen, skin withered.
“Cody?” I cry. “What is happenin’?”
“It’s time.” His eyes sink into their sockets leaving behind two black holes.
“Cody!”
“Eva?”
“Cody, stay. You have to stay. I can’t do this without you.”
“But it’s time.”
“I’ll go,” I rush out. “Let me take your place.”
He smiles, a big wide smile revealing a mouthful of rotting teeth. “It’s not your time. You’re one of the lucky ones, Eva. Remember that.”
Cody begins to evaporate into wisps of smoke and air.
“No, no, no...” I repeat over and over, hoping this nightmare will end. That I’ll wake up and Cody will be okay. That his cancer will be gone, and he’ll be able to live a long happy healthy life.
But when I glance down at his sketch, the biggest gravestone reveals his name.
Cody Larkin.
* * *
I woke with a start, drenched in sweat. My heart almost beating out of my chest as Cody’s wretched face lingered in my mind.
It was a dream.
But it wasn’t just a dream; it was my memories and guilt swirled together in some harrowing messed-up nightmare.
“Eva?” Molly’s whisper pierced the darkness. “Did you say something?”
“N- nothing,” I croaked, sinking back into the pillows. “It was just a bad dream. Go back to sleep.”
A couple of beats passed, my heart rate finally returning to a normal pace, the memories forced back down to where they couldn’t touch me.
But Molly wasn’t done. “Eva?” she said.
“Yeah?” I sighed.
I heard a shuffle then a muffled giggle. “I still can’t believe it. I made out with Hudson f’ing Ryker.”
“You’re still maintainin’ that’s all you did?” They’d been locked away in the bedroom for far longer than seven minutes in heaven.
“There was some groping. Clothed gropin’,” she added quickly.
“Did you touch his...?” My lips snapped closed, but I smiled to myself in the dark. This was a good distraction from the nightmare.
Normal.
“Dick, it’s called a dick. You can say it, Eva.” Molly snorted. “And yes, I touched it. I mean, it’s Hudson f’in Ryker. Are you telling me you didn’t even look at what Rafe was packin’?”
“Oh my gosh, stop. I didn’t...” Who was I kidding, I totally looked. It was impossible not to look at him, to let my eyes sweep down his lean body.
“Haha, knew it.” Molly chuckled. “What a night. I think if I never see another dick in my life, I’ll die a happy... oh shit, Eva, I didn’t mean. Jesus, I’m so insensitive at times.”
“It’s fine, you’re excited. I get it. It was Hudson f’in Ryker, after all,” I teased, rolling onto my back. Staring up at the ceiling, I chased shadows across the room, refusing to let my mind sink back into the dream because Molly mentioned dying. Instead, I focused on thoughts of last night.
We’d finally left their suite just before midnight when Rafe and I managed to prize Molly and Hudson apart and convince her to hand back the t-shirt. I was surprised Molly left at all, the way she was hanging off Hudson. Part of me envied her; envied how free she was. How easily she found it to live in the moment.
That should have been me, especially after everything I’d been through. But I still couldn’t switch off the little voice in my head constantly whispering, ‘why me, why me, why me?’
A couple of beats of silence passed. Molly was no doubt dreaming of all things Hudson and I was now thinking about eyes so gray I’d found myself rendered speechless more than once.
“So...”
“Yeah?” I replied.
“What do you think about Rafe?”
“He seems... nice.”
“Nice? Come on, Eva. Even you can do better than nice.”
“Honestly,
I don’t know what to say.”
“You like him.”
“I don’t... maybe,” I breathed, “yeah, okay, I like him. But it doesn’t matter. He’s this huge rock star and I’m no one.”
“You’re not no one, Eva. Don’t ever let me hear you say that again. And I’m not askin’ because I think you should fall in love and marry the guy. But Hudson let it slip Rafe will be in Camdena with him, and I thought—”
“Eva, what did you do?”
“Do?” She snorted. “Relax, I didn’t do anythin’. But Hudson seemed up for hanging out again in Camdena, and if Rafe is there maybe we can all hang out? Together.”
“I’m not sure I’m supposed to be cavortin’ with one of the judges.”
“It’s hardly cavorting, babe. Besides, somethin’ tells me Hudson does what he wants when he wants.”
She wasn’t wrong there.
“Anyway, I think we should hang out with them again. Tonight was fun.”
I murmured a non-committal reply. I didn’t have the heart to tell Molly, Hudson probably had a different girl in every town he visited. Maybe she knew that. Maybe she just didn’t care.
Me on the other hand, I cared.
I couldn’t deny I’d felt something talking music with Rafe, watching him play the guitar, listening as he confessed his feelings about being on tour.
But it would never be enough.
If I ever let a guy into my heart, I wanted them completely. I didn’t want to share.
And I definitely didn’t want to share with a bunch of fangirls who dreamed of one day being the girl to tame the rock star.
After the Ploughton Regional, there had been no more nightmares, and everything had returned to normal. Well, as normal as they could for a girl who hadn’t attended school in almost a year. I don’t know who was more stressed out—me or Mom. She’d gotten used to having me at home, helping me study or just keeping me company. But it was finally time for me to reintegrate at school.
Time to conquer senior year.
“Are you ready, sweetheart? I think Molly just got here.”
“Comin’, Mom.” I checked my reflection one more time, taking a deep breath at the girl in the mirror.
She was different. Slightly thinner in the face, hair shorter than the kids at school would remember. When I’d found out I needed chemo, I’d asked Mom to cut it all off. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my silky blonde curls. Turned out I was one of the lucky ones. My hair had thinned during my treatment and I’d experienced some mild loss, but it had already grown back. Physically, to the outside world, it was impossible to know what I’d been through, but my scars ran deep.
Grabbing my cell phone, I couldn’t resist opening my most recently downloaded app, Rock Review. I didn’t even need to scroll down the list of entries to find Rafe’s name. He was right there in a grainy photo, alongside his bandmates, a hoard of scantily clad girls surrounding them as they signed autographs. They weren’t even old enough to legally buy liquor yet and already had the fairer sex falling at their feet.
A pang of jealousy shot through me, which was ridiculous. So we’d spent a few hours getting to know one another. Rafe hadn’t offered me his number that night, and he hadn’t asked for mine. I tried not to over-analyze it. It was easy now, with time and distance, to remind myself that Rafe and I came from different worlds. Even if we did see each other again in Camdena, it was only one weekend. Nothing more would ever come of it.
Yet, every day, I felt myself searching for articles on him and the band. Trying to learn everything I could about the mysterious bassist for one of the biggest breakout bands in the country. Trying to understand the complicated, guarded guy who had let me play his very expensive, very rare guitar.
But most of all, trying to figure out why, of all the people at the talent contest, Rafe Hunter had wanted to spend time with me.
“Looking good, Eva,” Charlie Fincham, one of Jenson’s buddies, tipped his chin as I walked past him to my locker.
“Everyone’s staring,” I ground out to Molly who had been glued to my side ever since we stepped foot out of her car.
“They’re just curious.”
“Curious that I almost died but didn’t? Because that’s kind of sick.” Frustration swelled up inside me, tears pricking the corners of my eyes.
I was an emotional wreck.
And it wasn’t even first period yet.
“Eva, babe, breathe,” she said. “You missed most of eleventh grade. You dropped off the face of the plan—”
“I was sick.”
“I know that and you know that. And deep down they all know that.” She flicked her head toward the group of kids watching us from across the hall. “It’ll wear off. Once people get used to seeing you again, it’ll be like nothin’ ever changed.”
But things had changed.
And deep down, I knew there was no going back.
At least, not for me.
“Hey, E.” Jenson approached us. “Molly.”
“Blaufield.” The air around us chilled. There was no love lost between my best friend and ex-boyfriend.
“It’s good to see you back at school.” He ignored the daggers Molly was drilling into the side of his head and focused on me.
“Thanks.” I pressed my lips together and gave him a strained smile. “Did you need somethin’ because we need to get to class?”
“I, uh... I was hoping we could talk.”
“I said everythin’ I had to say last time I saw you.”
“Eva, come on, please...”
Just then, Sheridan Black sauntered down the hall veering right past us. Time seemed to slow down as her eyes landed on me. “Eva,” she said with a saccharine sweet smirk. “You look... better. Jenson, it’s been a while, call me.”
Molly let out a low growl, and I grabbed her hand, not wanting her to do anything stupid. But thankfully Sheridan was already gone, her smug laughter drifting back to me.
“Shit, E, I didn’t... that wasn’t... fuck.” Jenson paled, guilt shining in his eyes.
“And that,” I slammed my locker a little too hard, “is why I want nothin’ to do with you. Ever. Again.” Without looking back, I marched away from him. Molly jogged up beside me, letting out a low whistle. “Holy cow, babe, I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what came over me. I just can’t believe he really thought that after everything, things between us would be okay. I just feel so... so...”
Angry.
Sad and frustrated.
But I also felt irrationally hopeless.
I’d only been in the building ten minutes, and I could already feel the walls closing in around me.
“I’m not sure I can do this,” I said to Molly, aware of the eyes following me, the whispers dancing on the air as we moved further down the hall.
“It’s not like you really have a choice though, babe. It’s senior year. If you want to graduate—”
“I know.” I didn’t need a reminder.
“Just stick to the plan.”
“The plan, right.” I grimaced. “And what exactly is the plan again?”
Molly rolled her eyes. “Keep your head down and ignore them. And if all else fails, tell everyone you made out with Rafe Hunter over the weekend. That’ll give them all somethin’ to talk—”
“Molly!” Grabbing her hand, I yanked her beneath the stairwell. “One, you can’t say stuff like that here. We signed an NDA. Secondly, I didn’t make out with Rafe.” I lowered my voice, but it didn’t disguise the hitch in my breath when I said his name.
“Oh, babe, you’ve got it worse than I thought.” She smiled knowingly.
“I haven’t got anythin’. Just promise me you won’t start spreading some ridiculous rumor, Mol, please?” The NDA was a legally binding contract. If either of us leaked anything about the guys, we’d both be in deep trouble.
“Fine, spoil all my fun. So if you can’t tell them anything then at least ignore t
hem and imagine Rafe swoopin’ in to save you. In all his naked tattooed glor—”
“I’m goin’ to class,” I snapped. “I’ll see you later.”
Her laughter followed me all the way down the hall.
It wasn’t until I got to class, I realized I was blushing profusely.
“Eva, could you come in here please?”
I kicked off my sneakers and wandered into the kitchen to find my parents seated at our small table. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Take a seat, sweetheart.”
Dread pooled in my stomach. “Is everythin’ okay?” I sat down, not liking the grim expressions they were both wearing.
“Now that you’re back at school and things are on the up, your daddy and I talked and decided it’s probably best I go back to work.”
“Because we need the money.” My gut twisted.
“There’s no denying things have been hard the last few months but this is a good thing, Eva. I’m ready to get back to the office and Mr. Delaware has been so good about everything. I’ll only be working a few hours a day, while you’re settlin’ into senior year.”
Slumping back in the chair, I let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry.” The words came out raw.
“Now, now, baby, none of that. We did what we needed to do and we’d do it all again in a heartbeat. You are our priority, Eva, always. But with things lookin’ unstable at ST Holdings this makes sense.”
Dad’s eyes slid to Mom’s and she shook her head. But it was too late, I’d caught their silent conversation. “There’s more?” I asked, a heavy weight settling on my chest.
“Your daddy has been asked to work some overtime—”
“That’s great.” I perked up but my hope was quickly dashed when his expression darkened.
“It’s at their Landry depot. I’ll be away for a few weekends.” His eyes crinkled with regret. “It means I won’t be able to make the final show, sweetheart.”
“Oh.” Disappointment edged into my voice, but I pushed it down. Being able to pay the bills was more important. “It’s okay, Dad,” I said forcing a smile. “We need the money and it isn’t like you haven’t seen me perform a hundred times already.”