by Ali Parker
I bit my tongue. Saying it out loud made it real. In my head, I could deny and deny until the bitter end, but once the words left my mouth, there’d be no putting them back in.
“It’s not just work,” I whispered. “It’s everything. I’m so lonely, Max. Piper was the only family I had and I thought I’d be okay when she moved to Texas but I’m not. I’m not okay. I miss her. I miss how things used to be.”
Max didn’t say anything.
I wiped away fresh tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
The guilt and shame chewed at my insides. “I’m embarrassed.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m supposed to be stronger than this.” My voice cracked.
“You’re not supposed to be anything, Janie. Life isn’t linear. It doesn’t keep getting better and brighter just because we keep living it. It’s up and down and all over the place. You have permission to struggle.”
“You sound like a therapist.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and fought off more tears. I didn’t deserve the kindness he was showing me. I was interrupting what I knew would be working hours for him. He should have hung up on me. He should have told me he’d call me later and check in when I was sober. He should have—
“Get out of the tub, Janie,” he said softly. “Dry off. Brush your teeth. And get into bed. I’ll stay on the line with you until you fall asleep.”
“Max, I don’t need—”
“I know you don’t need it. Just let me stay with you a while or I’ll just keep calling back.”
Chapter 4
Max
Once again, I woke up with my cheek pressed to a cool, flat surface.
At least I hadn’t fallen asleep at my desk last night. Instead, I’d passed out at home on my sofa with my phone pressed to my ear so I could stay on the line with Janie until she drifted off. We’d talked for hours. By the end of it all, she’d sobered up some and the ache in her voice had faded away.
I must have fallen asleep after she did.
My body protested as I pushed myself up to a sitting position on the sofa. That was two nights in a row spent sleeping in uncomfortable positions. Last night was significantly better than the night before, but still, I’d be stiff all day.
Groggy and foggy-headed, I made my way down the hall to the bathroom where I took a piping hot shower and shaved for the first time in a few days. It felt good to be able to feel the skin on my jaw and cheeks again, and maybe a fresh shave would convince Shawn not to worry about me. He’d been fretting too much lately. I appreciated an assistant who cared about my well-being, but I didn’t appreciate being reminded every damn day how exhausted and overworked I looked.
I already knew.
After the shower, I dressed for the office and went to the kitchen where I prepared a simple breakfast and my first cup of coffee for the day. My house was silent all around me. The coffee grinder hummed as I ground the beans and the bread popping out of the toaster sent a snapping sound ricocheting off the walls.
At some point or another, someone would come along to take up space in this massive home with me. I had to believe that.
My thoughts wandered to Janie as I sat with my breakfast and coffee. She’d sounded so unlike herself on the phone last night. Her usual peppy charm hadn’t come through in her voice or her laughter. When she told me about her frustrations with work and how much she missed Piper, she’d sounded thin, like she was fading away, and I wished I could reach through the line to tether her and remind her that she was very much here, and so was I.
We were only on other sides of the country. That was all.
Even though last night was a bit of a mess, I couldn’t deny I missed Janie. She and I shared many great memories together, and when we were in the thick of things, there was a time where I believed we’d never be apart. In fact, I’d been so convinced of it that when life pulled us in other directions, I’d delayed the inevitable and stretched things out longer than I should have.
We tried long distance but that didn’t work. It only led to resentment and bitterness. Neither of us could step away from work long enough to visit the other for any real amount of time, and when Janie got her promotion, quality time went out the window entirely.
Space began forming between us and neither of us knew how to make up lost ground.
After Piper, I couldn’t believe I could fall for another woman. But with Janie, I’d come so close to that feeling again. She was edgier than Piper. Sharper. Janie was vibrant, bold, honest, and a bit rougher around the edges than most women I’d dated in the past. She spoke what was on her mind even when sometimes she should keep things to herself. She loved fully and felt everything tenfold.
The vulnerability and honesty in her was refreshing. I always knew where I stood with Janie and I’d never seen someone fight so hard to be with me before.
When we started drifting, Janie resisted the decline of our relationship and fought valiantly to keep us together. So valiantly, in fact, that we’d often have heated arguments over the phone about one or the other not being able to fly out for a visit.
It all became too much stress.
In the end, I called it off. It hurt to do it. I never wanted to hurt Janie. But God, had I hurt her.
Refusing to end our relationship over the phone, I flew out to spend a weekend with her in New York City. I should have anticipated how much effort she’d have put into the weekend, knowing it might be the only time we had together for another month, possibly more. She planned a date at one of her favorite restaurants, bought a new dress, and planned the following afternoon with activities so we could let our hair down and have fun.
We never got around to the fun part.
On that first night in the city, after dinner and once we were back in her apartment, I’d sat her down and said we needed to talk. By the look in her starry eyes, she knew something was wrong—knew that something bad was coming.
I’d almost gotten cold feet and bailed on the whole plan to end things. Sometimes, I still caught myself wishing I had. But I hadn’t. I’d done what was right for both of us at the time and told her the truth.
Things weren’t working out.
She’d cried. Hell, I’d almost cried, too. Then she got angry with me. If I sat and thought on it long enough, I could still hear how her voice got shrill and broke as she told me I was a coward for walking away.
Maybe she’d been right. Maybe I should have stuck it out a little longer. Maybe things would have fallen into place if only I’d had the nerve to hold on tighter.
Or maybe they wouldn’t have.
I finished my breakfast and put my plate and coffee mug in the dishwasher. It had been some time since I’d thought so nostalgically about Janie like this. Her call last night had stirred up some memories I’d kept tucked away because they still hurt to think on but now I couldn’t push them away.
I pictured Janie sitting in her office this morning feeling more alone than ever. That had been the theme of the call last night. She was lonely. Hollow. She missed Piper deeply and she missed a life that was gone. Her work was carving her out day by day and she felt like she had nothing left to give and needed a change.
She told me she didn’t know how to make that happen. She knew it was naïve to wish for something to fall into her lap but she didn’t have the nerve to get out there and create something new for herself.
In some ways, Janie was a risk-taker. When she believed in something, she’d fight for it until the bitter end—but those fights were usually for others. Like Piper, for example. Or for me. She’d have fought until the bitter end for me.
Maybe that was why the breakup hurt so much, too.
But when it came to fighting for herself, Janie had taken a backseat. I wasn’t sure when that happened. She deserved to be happy and be proud of the work she did. She used to feel that way working at the Casanova Club. Perh
aps she’d grown in the past year and the change she thought she needed wasn’t as simple as trying to make things how they were.
She needed an upgrade.
A thought occurred to me as I put on my tie and stepped into my shoes. Why not offer her the open office-manager position?
Shawn would tell me it was a horrible idea. He’d remind me that working with an ex never worked out—especially when that ex would be in charge of so much at the office. But this was Janie.
She and I could separate work from our past, especially if it meant she’d get a chance to rediscover herself. Shuffle the deck. Get some perspective.
Yes, I thought decisively, it was worth extending the offer.
As I headed out to my car, I called Janie. She didn’t pick up, so I left a brief voicemail.
“Janie, it’s me,” I said lamely. “Look, I’ve been doing some thinking since we spoke last night. I know it might be tasteless to do this over the phone but I want to offer you a job. Before you accuse me of taking pity on you, don’t jump to conclusions. I need an office manager desperately. I’ve been running myself into the ground trying to keep things running smoothly and I’m coming up short. You said you needed a change and I need someone who will have my back in the office. Call me when you get a chance, okay? And there’s no pressure. I just… call me. And drink some water this morning. I hope the hangover isn’t too bad.”
I hung up the phone and waited for a sense of regret to fill me up.
It didn’t.
Feeling confident, I slid into my car and started the engine. I was about eighty percent sure Janie would accept the job. If she didn’t, I’d have to move on to the hiring process and get Shawn to set up some interviews. But I wouldn’t take that step until I’d heard from Janie.
On my way into the office, I called my grandmother like I usually did in the mornings. She answered her in-room phone with her usual dignified air. My grandmother was eighty-six, and she still permed her hair once a month, wore clip-on earrings, and dressed nicely every morning. She claimed putting in effort kept her young and she had no intention of dying before I had children.
If I ever had children.
“Max,” my grandmother said. I could hear the smile in her voice. “You called just in time. I was about to go on my morning walk through the gardens with Lucile. Did I tell you that woman’s blasted children brought her a dog?”
I chuckled as I came to a stop at a red light. “A dog? Isn’t she ninety-something?”
“Ninety-two,” my grandmother confirmed. “She can hardly bend over to put its leash on and walk it. So irresponsible of those kids of hers. Part of me thinks they had the dog for themselves, decided they didn’t like him, and pawned him off on her.”
“I doubt that’s true.”
“They’re selfish little turds, Max.”
“I hope you don’t talk about me like that when I’m not there.”
“I only speak about you in that manner when you beat me at chess. Correction, if you beat me at chess.”
“I win more than I lose,” I said.
“I might be old but I don’t have dementia. I’m still sharper at the game than you are, my boy. Speaking of which, when are you going to come out and visit me?”
“Soon,” I told her.
“Soon? You say that all the time. It’s been too long.”
She was right. I needed to make time in the schedule to fly out and see her, or have her fly to me and spend some time at the house with me and Holly. “I’ll make it happen,” I promised.
“I’m going to hold you to it.”
“Don’t boss me around or I’ll get you a dog to keep you busy.”
My grandmother laughed. “Unlike Lucile, I’m spry enough to take care of a dog. But if I were to have a pet, I would want something smaller. Like a bird.”
“A bird?” I asked flatly.
“I like the idea of waking up to songs in the morning.”
I was about to tell her she really was turning into an old woman when another call cut through. It was from yet another anonymous number, and I knew immediately it was my ex. I sighed.
“Something wrong, Max?” my grandmother asked.
“Sorry, I’m getting another call. Can I call you later?”
“Of course. Have a good day. Tell that sister of yours to call me sometime.”
“I will.”
I switched calls and took the one coming in. “Sienna, I swear to God if this is you calling me again, I’m going to—”
“I need to tell you something,” Sienna said. Her pitchy voice made my eye twitch. “Don’t you dare hang up on me, Max Fisher.”
“What do you want?” I growled.
Sienna huffed into the line. “You’re an arrogant prick, you know that? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for weeks and you keep blowing me off like you never even fucking knew me, Max. Well, I have news for you. You’re not shaking me loose that easy, and if you so much as try—”
“What do you want?” I asked venomously.
Sienna’s voice brightened and the words that came out of her next made my head spin. “I’m calling to tell you that I’m pregnant, you jackass.”
Chapter 5
Janie
“Excuse me, coming through, on your left,” I chimed as I wove through the crammed bodies in the airport. Sundays were never ideal to fly out of New York City. Then again, no day was good for such a thing.
JFK Airport was packed. I couldn’t go a foot in either direction without bumping into someone or having someone roll their fifty-pound suitcase over my foot.
However, nothing could dampen my mood. This was it. This was the change I needed.
No, I hadn’t expected it to come from Max of all people, but when I heard the voicemail he’d left me last week, it felt like the clouds had parted and a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He had no idea what he’d done for me by offering me that job. That very morning, I called him back and accepted his offer.
He’d sounded off and unlike himself when we spoke. He kept things short and professional, and when I thanked him not only for the job but for staying on the line with me while I was drunk, he’d almost sounded like he’d forgotten about the night before.
But that wasn’t possible.
I chalked his odd behavior up to being overworked, like he’d said in the voicemail. He needed an office manager and I could certainly do that job now that I had relevant experience at the Casanova Club. Jackson Lee was shocked when I put in my resignation and even more shocked when I told him where I was moving and who I’d be working for.
Then he gave me a sly smile, tapped the side of his nose, and wished me the best of luck in Silicon Valley.
Jackson knew Max and I had run together for some time after Piper and Wyatt’s wedding. He’d been one of our biggest cheerleaders in fact, and when he found out Max and I put an end to things, he’d been disappointed for us both. His investment in our relationship bought me a few days off work after the breakup to collect myself and I was eternally grateful for that.
Jackson had been an incredible boss. I was sad to say goodbye to him but excited to start my next journey. Things ended on good terms between us and he told me if things ever changed and I wanted to come back he would always have room for me.
Something told me I wouldn’t be coming back.
As I wove through the crammed bodies in the airport to get to the check-in line, I pulled my phone out of my back jean pocket and called Piper to tell her I was at the airport.
“Did the movers come for your stuff yesterday?” Piper asked.
“Yep, I slept at the Fairmont at the airport last night. Thanks again, you glorious man, Max Fisher.”
Piper giggled. “Are you nervous to see him?”
“A little,” I admitted.
“Just a little?”
“Okay, yes, I’m big-time nervous to see him. But I’m trying to go into this with my eyes open. It was a job offer, nothing more. He wants to he
lp me, and for once, I’m going to accept help and focus on myself. I’m not expecting anything else from him.”
“I think that’s a good attitude. But if something were to happen?”
I fought the way my lips tried to curl into a smile as I inched forward in line. “I don’t think anything will happen, Pipes. We tried once. It didn’t work.”
“It didn’t work because you lived on opposite sides of the country.”
“And a lot has changed since then. I don’t expect him to be the same person or want the same things.”
Piper sighed dramatically. “Fine. But a girl can hope, okay?”
Yes, she can.
“I’ll call you when I get to the new apartment,” I said.
“I expect a face call so I can see the new digs.”
“And you’ll get one. This line is moving quicker than I thought. Gotta go, Pipes. Love you.”
“Love you too. Have a good flight.”
My call ended as I closed in on the front of the line. The airline had opened several more stations to check in, so I only had to wait a few more minutes before I was invited forward by one of the employees, who I presented my boarding pass and passport to. She smiled, checked me in, provided tags for my luggage, and had me weigh my suitcase. I didn’t exceed the limit, so she took my bags and wished me a good flight before sending me toward security.
As I waited in yet more lines to go through the metal detectors and send my carry-on through the conveyor belt, I wondered what my apartment might be like.
Max had told me when I called him back that he had arranged for a place for me to stay until I got settled. He told me it wasn’t the best place he’d seen but it was the best he could get his hands on with one week’s notice. Knowing him, it was probably twenty times nicer than my apartment in New York.
It hadn’t been easy to walk out of the tiny apartment for the last time yesterday afternoon. It was empty since the movers had taken all my stuff out the morning before to drive it across country. If all went according to plan, it would arrive tomorrow morning or afternoon, meaning I only had to spend one night on a mattress on the floor. I was more than okay with that.