by Ramy Vance
“Jean,” Bella whispered, “what are you doing? They’re going to—”
“They’re going to do nothing,” I said, cutting Bella off with a growl. “Well, Thor and Baby Zeus might try something, but then again …” I let the last words trail off. In case you were wondering, this wasn’t my first playground tussle.
Thor lifted his hammer as currents of energy danced on the lodestone’s surface. “You pathetic human … you …”
“Uh, uh, uh, uh.” I lifted a scolding finger. “I’m not done, you sniveling, pathetic, whimpering excuse for a god.”
I heard a chuckle from the back; Loki covered his mouth like he was trying to capture the giggle before it escaped. He failed, and Thor turned around with a growl. “Loki, you shut up!”
His rebuke was punctuated by Odin’s fist slamming hard into the trickster’s arm. “Yeah, shut it, kid.”
“Look, guys,” I said, pulling his attention back to me. “I know that you’ve got the power of lightning and that you could literally smite me with a thought, but what would that prove? That you can cheat. That you can kill a lesser being. That you’re a bully.”
“I am no bully,” the god of lightning growled through gritted teeth as he threw back his long blond locks in a not-unlike-Fabio manner. He was entering full seduction mode, and I could feel him puffing up his appeal with a bit of magic. A charisma boost. Cheater …
Cheater or not, both Judith and Bella groaned their approval.
“Really?” I said, looking at my wife.
“What? He’s hot.”
“And a kid … and trying to kill us.” I turned back to the Norse god. “Then prove it. Fight me fair.”
“What?” Thor cocked his head like a confused golden retriever. “How could I possibly do that? I am a god and you are … are—”
“The human who’s going to put you over my bent knee and spank you the way your one-eyed daddy should have long ago.” More chuckles from behind, and this time Loki let out a howl that the gates of Tartarus couldn’t have held back.
Thor’s acne-free cheeks blushed in embarrassment as his gorgeous blue eyes crackled with unbridled electric fury. “You son of—”
“Language,” Odin cried from behind.
Thor threw his fists to his sides as he stomped like a frustrated toddler. “Odin,” he droned before getting hold of himself and pointing his hammer at me. “Enough of this. Now you die.”
“Again … no,” I said. “Now we fight fair.”
Thor stomped his foot before letting out an exasperated, “How?”
“You put down that hammer, you don’t use your magic … and we see who’s the tough guy. I mean, come on, this should be an easy fight. You are Thor. Impossibly strong, fast, cunning …”
At that last word, I heard Loki heckle, “Hardly.”
Now it was my turn to laugh and I let out a loud, soul-wrenching, exaggerated laugh guaranteed to frustrate any bully. I abruptly ended my laugh before lifting my fist in the air. I said in an exaggerated, I could be a character in Dragon Ball Z tone, “You may be the lightning, but I brought the thunder.” I pounded my fist on my open palm.
“Really?” Bella groaned.
“Really,” I said to her with a wink.
“Very well, knave,” Thor said. “I shall—”
“Knave … good word.”
“Excuse me?” Thor’s lips pursed as his anger grew.
“I said, ‘Knave … good word.’ Didn’t think you had the academic acumen to pull out a word like that.” I flashed him an exaggerated I’m impressed smile. “Now, do we have a deal?”
Thor dropped his hammer and cracked his knuckles. “That we do, human. That we do.”
↔
I pulled out my pistol and handed it and Marty over to Bella. I said to the viper, “Take care of her,” before embellishing a stretch as part of my taunting.
Thor watched in silent fury. Good.
Most people think you have to be bigger or stronger or faster than your opponent to win a fight. Not true. Sure, being those things helps, but they’re in no way the deciding factors. A lot of fights are won because one of you is better at getting into the other’s head. Get in there—infuriate your adversary—and they’ll do the losing for you.
They’ll do something stupid in a fight and if you’re able to capitalize on the opening they’re bound to give you, then bada bing, bada boom … you win.
That’s why a lot of prize fights are preceded by months of bravado thrown about. That’s why Muhammad Ali, Conor McGregor and Bruce Lee always had choice words before a fight.
It was all part of the mental battle that often decides the winner before a single punch is thrown.
From what I’d heard from those who had met Thor, he was a hothead to begin with. But as a kid, he was positively easy to infuriate.
And from what I’d heard from more than one reliable source, I’m a tenth-degree black belt at infuriating.
I knew I had gotten into Thor’s head when he charged at me, head tucked down like a bull trying to impale a matador.
And like a matador, I waited until the last second to move out of the way and trip him up. The blond god tumbled across the floor like a tumbleweed in a hurricane before getting to his feet and charging again, his arms out in an effort to tackle me.
I thought about using the same trick, but having him tumble again and again was no way to win a fight, so I waited until he was nearly on me before pivoting out of the way, grabbing his wrist as he passed me.
In a normal fight, I would use the other guy’s motion to twist them around and as soon as they did a 180, I’d hit them hard in the nose. The combined momentum of their swivel and my fist was usually enough to knock them out.
But fighting a god is not normal, even if it was the teenage version, and instead of being able to draw Thor in a circle, he kept going, pulling me along with him.
GoneGodDamn he was strong. I was using my full weight and barely managed to slow him down, let alone turn him around.
Thor must had realized his advantage, because he suddenly stopped running and jumped back about three feet before kicking me in the behind … as in, literally.
I went down with a thud. The kid was fast. Too fast given his bulk and—
“No fair,” I shouted, channeling my inner schoolyard kid. “You used magic.”
“Did not,” Thor said, but from the way his eyes darted around, I knew he was lying.
Thankfully so did his brother, who immediately shouted, “You did, Brother. I know what you can and cannot do, and that little reverse jump requires the grace of a gazelle. You are no gazelle.”
“But … but …” Thor stammered.
“But nothing,” Odin boomed. “You cheated.”
“So what? He’s just a human,” he said, like my Homo sapien-ness was all the excuse he needed.
“A promise is a promise.” Odin clapped his hand twice before he growled, “No magic.”
A blue-and-orange wave emanated out of Odin’s hand and washed over Thor, who tried to swat it away like one might after being hit by an ocean swell.
When the wave passed over him, he let out another exasperated groan. “Not my magic.”
“No cheating,” Odin said, and that was when it hit me what had just happened. Daddy (who was, oddly enough, the same age as Thor) had just stripped him of his magic.
Finally … a fair fight.
↔
But even without magic, Thor was still a god. And that little swivel-fail on my part reminded him of that fact. Instead of charging me, he simply lifted his fists and approached.
Oh yay …
Fighting Godly Power with Godly Power
Our little square-off started out simple enough … I jab, jab, jabbed, finishing my combo with an upper hook. Thor didn’t even try to dodge my blows, happily taking them (literally) on the chin. Then, with a bloodless smile—showing me exactly how much damage I didn’t do—he hit me back. I tried to move out of the way of his fist,
but he faked me out (cheeky little lightning bastard) and swung round so his left fist connected with my jaw.
Thor might have been a kid, but he hit like a Mack truck.
I saw stars as I went down, my head spinning at a speed that would rival a fidget spinner. As I fell, I head Bella scream, followed by a sucking sound that I was fairly sure was Judith expressing her disapproval.
“Ouch,” I said, grabbing my jaw. By some miracle it wasn’t broken, thank the GoneGods—well, maybe the gods in front of me—for small miracles.
I got to my feet. Slowly. I lifted my fists, determined not to get hit again. There was no way I was going to win against this kid by trying to match him punch for punch. And from the way he held himself, I knew that trying to tire him out wasn’t going to work, either. Also, he was smiling, which meant he knew he had me, so goading him also wouldn’t work anymore.
If I was going to win, I needed a miracle, and just as I was lamenting that miracles were in short supply these days (especially in Hell), he leapt into the air with his fist pointed downward and straight at my head. I managed to tumble out of the way, his fist driving hard into the ground. I swear I heard the earth say “Ouch” under the weight of his punch.
“No fair—he’s using magic again,” I said, because I couldn’t believe anyone was strong enough to crack stone with their fists and not be burning time.
But looking into Odin’s one good eye, I saw the god shake his head. “No magic … on my honor. But Thor is a god and, well, gods are strong.” As if to prove his point, Odin gave me a little flex of his own.
“Shit.” I looked at the gaggle of children and added, “Sorry.” There are some lines that should never be crossed, and swearing in front of kids is one of them.
I turned to face Thor again. “I don’t suppose we could settle this with a game of rock-paper-scissors?”
Thor laughed, his perfect smile portraying unnatural kindness and good humor given he was literally trying to kill me. “Human, you amuse me. And after I ground your bones into the ground beneath our feet, I shall have my bard sing a hymn in your honor. You will die well this day. That I swear.” Then, doing his little leaping in the air trick again, added, “For, after all, those who die at the hands of Thor shall be rewarded by Valhalla.”
I was about to tumble out of the way when I saw him shift his angle; he was expecting me to move and was preparing appropriately. So I did the only thing I could think of, given that I had about a nanosecond left to live. I looked at Bella and smiled. I was about to die and there was nothing I could do about it. The only thing I did have control over was what I saw before my last breath, and looking at Bella was a good way to go.
The best way to go.
Thor came down on me, confused that I wasn’t moving. Seeing that he was about to win, he adjusted himself appropriately. His fist was aimed right at my skull, and the split second before he was about to come down on my head, a loud bell rang.
I mean, a really loud bell.
Thor twisted his body so that he didn’t touch me, and because he was moving at such incredible speeds, his little twist caused him to fall flat on his butt. He got up in a huff and stamped his foot in anger. “Not fair.”
Loki came running to the front. “Totally fair. I was timing you, and that was the end of round one.”
“What? There are rounds?” I said as the trickster god pulled a boxer’s stool that he’d manifested from thin air and gestured for me to sit down on.
↔
“I want nothing more than to see my brother taken down by a human,” Loki whispered as he crouched before me. “But since you are weak and pathetic, I doubt you are the human to do it.”
“Geez, thanks,” I said as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Bella was standing by my side with a brave—albeit forced—smile on her face. Turning back to Loki, I added, “I don’t know if you’ve considered a career in motivational speaking, but—”
“Human, you talk too much. And if you want to live, you must listen.” Loki looked over his shoulder, making sure no one was eavesdropping on our little conversation. “My brother, he has been stripped of magic, but the truth is made from magic. So, as hobbled as he is, he still possesses great power. There is no way you can defeat him with your hands. But with that great power comes—”
“Great responsibility?” I offered.
Loki looked at me in confusion before shaking his head. “Great vulnerability. It is the law of our worlds. With every ability comes a weakness, and you must exploit that if you are to survive this day.”
“How?”
Loki chuckled. “My brother is many things, but a poker player he will never be. He has a tell—you always know where his attack will come from by where his little finger on his right hand points. That is how you can avoid being hit. But as for knocking him down, there is only one weapon in all of creation that can hurt him. Mjolnir.”
I looked over at Thor’s hammer sitting on the ground. “I thought we couldn’t use magic.”
“Indeed, but there was nothing said about weapons.”
The trickster god was right, and suddenly I really wished I had my gun again. Then again, I doubted a bullet would do much against the God of Thunder. I considered the hammer again. “Don’t I have to be worthy to pick it up?”
Loki gave me a strange and slightly indignant look. “Excuse me?”
“What, Marvel Universe rules don’t apply here?”
There was another ding and Loki stood, offering me his hand to help me to my feet. “Marvel Universe? I marvel at the wonders of the universe all the time, Human, and if you ever wish to marvel again, then use the hammer.”
I nodded. Loki had just given me my ticket to life: the hammer. More specifically, Thor’s hammer. Looking over at the brutal weapon sitting at the edge of ring, I knew that if I could get to it, then, well … how would Stan Lee put it?
Excelsior!
↔
Thor’s next attack started earnestly enough; he rushed into the center of the ring and tried to hit me with a left jab. But Loki’s tell was perfect, and I was able to dodge out of the way.
Another jab, uppercut and haymaker, each with his right pinky telling me exactly where his fist was going. And with every miss, Thor was getting more and more furious, gradually working himself up into the berserker rage that Vikings were so famous for.
I knew that if I went for the hammer too soon, he’d beat me to it and—remembering there wasn’t a weapon clause in this fight—would pick it up and tenderize my already mushy, soft body.
But given how he was huffing and puffing, maybe exhausting him was an option after all. Then Thor went for a kidney shot, his pinky pointing to the right, but at the last second he kicked, the sole of his foot connecting with my stomach and sending me flying backward.
Thor smiled, any frustration gone from his face. And any exhaustion that had been painting his face was gone, too. Lifting his pinky, he wiggled it. “I see my brother told you about my little finger.”
I turned to Loki, who doubled over in laughter.
“The same trick worked with the Frost Giants,” Thor said, walking over to me with his palm open.
Given that the breath had been knocked out of me, I did little to get out of the way. I mean, I tried, but alas, both will and flesh were weak. As he spun me round and round over his head, I relished the brief rest I got before he threw me against the mountain’s face.
He walked over to me like he had all the time in the world. “Despite what the myths say, Loki and I are brothers. Yes, we have our differences, but he is still my brother. He would never betray me, especially not to a human, and—”
But before the Norse god could finish whatever ode he was singing to his loyal brother, there was a mighty thunderous crack as Bella picked up his hammer and slammed it into his chest.
Thor might have been the God of Lightning, but Bella was the thunder.
Frightening Gods with Old Flames
Bella hit Thor square in the
chest and sent the god flying back against the other side of the valley wall with a thunderous boom. I know my wife … she’s strong, but not that strong. Seems that even though Loki was lying about the tell, he wasn’t kidding about the hammer. So much for brotherly love.
And so much for us, too. As soon as Thor hit the wall, the other gods turned on us, pointing accusatory fingers. “Not fair. You cheated.”
“Did not,” I said in a tone that was bit too childish for my liking. I guess they were rubbing off on me. “There was nothing in the rules about weapons. That was fair and square.”
“The rules were implied,” Zeus boomed.
“Were they?” Judith cut in, her voice dripping with condescension. “Just like they were implied all the times you seduced women, pretending to be their husbands?”
Athena laughed.
“Oh no, you don’t get a pass, young lady,” Judith said. “Not after you were so nasty to Medusa. You know what you did.”
Athena held her head down in shame.
Then Judith pointed at the others. “What about you, Loki? When you broke your promise to Thiazi, a promise that got that poor giant burnt to death. And where were the rules when you two gave in to temptation, hmph? Adam, Eve? Were you two following the rules when you ate from the Tree of Good and Evil and condemned all of humanity to an eternity of … of this? I don’t think so.”
Holy mythology, Batman, I thought. Judith really knew her stuff. I mean, I knew a lot about myth, fables and legends, but that was because my job—well, former job—demanded it. You couldn’t hunt down creatures of myth without knowing their backgrounds. Well, you could, but knowing that a hobgoblin could not deny the allure of a good riddle or that a wendigo was terrified of fire tended to give you an edge in a life-or-death fight.