by Mj Hendrix
My mouth falls open. I’m shocked to learn she reads the Bible and knows what it says. She doesn’t seem like that type of girl. Color bleeds up my neck as I realize how harshly I’ve judged her.
“Well, I guess maybe…I was wrong then.” My voice is hesitant, embarrassed at my own unfair assumptions.
She laughs, a bright, delightful burst of color in the dark room.
“Okay then, Farm Boy. So, are you gonna ask me to or what?”
She starts walking toward the dance floor backward, eyes lit up. My feet follow of their own accord.
“Well, I will…but I don’t know how.”
The upbeat song ends. I didn’t even notice that Kenna and Dan had drifted to the other side of the room. A slower tempo starts to pour over us, isolating us from the other couples. I haven’t heard much country music, but I instantly like it. We only listened to hymns at home.
She’s on the edge of the floor where the couples have slowed down to a gentle sway. Her eyes are drawing me in to her, lashes fluttering. My hand stretches out, and she takes it, leading me out.
The music is enveloping us as she takes my hand and places it on her small waist. Hers reaches up to grip my shoulder. Our height difference is usually almost a foot, but with her heeled boots, our faces are closer. She guides our feet, mumbling the count of the two-step. I stumble several times over her feet.
“You sure do smell nice,” she comments, looking up at me.
“Oh yeah? You smell like green apples.”
I lick my lips, and her smile fades as she watches the action. She looks away, lowering her lashes.
“It’s just my shampoo.”
“I like it.”
She’s playing with the collar of my shirt. My arms instinctively pull her closer, nudging her just near enough to not be touching. It’s difficult but necessary.
“It reminds me of an orchard back home.”
Her mouth parts a little as our gaze meets again, but she doesn’t speak for a while. Her eyes never leave mine.
“I, uh…thanks for the ride. I think I forgot to tell you that.” She bites down on her bottom lip, blinking.
“I’d really like to drive you again, if you’d allow me to.”
“I won’t stop you, but I’m really okay on my own.”
Her voice isn’t annoyed, but she sounds indifferent. If she won’t let me drive, I’ll have to try walking her home. If I have to prove that I’m serious, I will. She could get hurt out on the streets at night.
I won’t be able to sleep, knowing she’s out there alone.
“What days do you work?”
“Let’s talk about something else. Do you work?”
She can’t change the subject like this. I feel an animalistic need to protect her, and the strength of it scares me. Slowly releasing a breath, I tighten my hand on her waist, reaching it toward her lower back. I’ve finally gotten the steps down because of how slow she’s set our pace.
“Yes, I work at the Tillery Street Plant Nursery.”
“What? You get to work with plants all day?” Her eyes sparkle with excitement. “Please tell me it’s awful and you hate it. Or I will die of jealousy.”
“You should meet me there sometime. Lately, we’ve been getting all the seasonal shipments of trees.” And I need to keep seeing you even though I know you’re not good for me.
She groans, the sound increasing my heart rate. “I would love to, but it’s too far to walk.”
I hear my own voice, talking without my permission. “I’ll pick you up. I only work from seven to noon tomorrow. I can text you when I’m off.” Do I sound desperate and pathetic? What if she doesn’t want to? “But if—”
She blesses my ears with a laugh, tossing her hair. “I’d love to, Farm Boy. It’s a friend date.”
The song is still playing, and I tune into the lyrics about an angel with broken wings. Am I crazy for getting close to her? I know what my family would say, and my whole life, I’ve lived like they wanted me to. I’ve never had a reason to deviate from it. Now, I’m wondering if we’ve had it wrong all along. Is Harley the promiscuous woman who’s going to lead me down a path of destruction? I’ve been warned about the “woman of the night” since before I was old enough to understand what it meant. She certainly appeals to my base instincts, and I want her in ways I’ve rarely thought about until now. My brain is fogged up with her skin and her smell.
The music stops, and I suddenly need to get some air. She’s too alluring in my arms. It causes me to lose my train of thought, wanting what I shouldn’t.
Releasing her is difficult, but my arms finally obey. She takes a step back, a question in her eyes.
“I need to…find Dan.”
The hurt in her eyes stabs me in the chest.
“Okay…” She slowly pivots and walks away from me.
I stumble in the other direction, searching for the men’s room. The stick figure on the door leads me in. I step to the sink, splashing my face with cool water. She makes my skin feel like it fits too tight.
Looking into the mirror, I see another guy step in after me. He’s about my height with longer hair. His shirt is bright pink. Standing up straighter, I grab a paper towel to dry my face.
“I get it, man. She breaks me out in a sweat too. You should see her bend over to get you a beer at Billy’s.” His tone is lewd, and he steps up to look at himself in the mirror.
My muscles tense. He sees her at work?
“Yeah, she’s one of those that’s good for serving drinks and bending over,” he answers, almost like he heard my thought. “I’ve been wearing her down for a while, but the dance was a smooth move. I forget girls love that shit.” He laughs, running a hand through his long hair.
I still haven’t said anything. What I really want is to shove my clenched fist through his nasal passage for talking about her like she isn’t a human being. I toss my paper towel in the trash, intending to walk away before I end up in jail tonight. My parents would love that.
He grabs my arm as I start to walk out. I look down at his hand on me, and he withdraws it. He holds his hands up in front of his chest.
“Hey, man, no need to get pissy. Just letting you know I’ve already laid a claim to that ass. She’ll need a few days to recover from me, but then she’s all yours. You seem like the type to deal well with the…hurt feelings.” His face is smug as he struts out the door.
Minutes crawl as my blood pressure eventually returns to its normal range and my breathing doesn’t sound like I’ve been sprinting. Slowly walking out the door, I’m determined to find Harley and ask her if she really is going to…be with that jerk. Does she know he intends to discard her? Is she okay with it? Is it a habit of hers to go through guys quickly?
Do I have any right to even begin asking her these questions?
My seething anger dies down as I catch a glimpse of Harley talking to Kenna’s blonde friend near the back wall. There’s a chance she doesn’t even like him, but doubt crowds my mind. He was a good-looking guy, and he clearly has more experience. For a moment, I’m overwhelmed with my lack of knowledge on dating and women. I know my parents love me, but the reality of my inexperience is crushing me. I feel like I’ve been deprived of the chance to make my own mistakes and learn when people are being honest or not.
My deliberate steps slow to a halt as I see the pink-shirt guy walk up to say something to her. They talk for a few agonizing seconds before the other girl walks away. He’s laughing, but her face is turned away, so I can’t see what her response is. He catches my eyes watching them from across the room. Reaching down, his hand grabs a handful of her backside, underneath her dress.
I’m frozen in place. My gut reaction is to run toward them and throw him against the wall, my hand against his throat. My fist would reach around and fulfill my earlier fantasies of forcing his nasal bone further into his skull.
But she doesn’t move. His hand stays under her dress, revealing the tattoos at the back of her thighs. My hea
rt sinks as I realize how stupid I am. Shame and embarrassment roll over me, sending color up my chest and neck. She’s wanted to be friends all along, and I’m the idiot, assuming there might be a chance we could have more than that. She wants a guy who actually knows how to be charming and has the guts to kiss a woman.
I turn away, unable to keep watching. Dan has walked up beside me, observing the scene against the wall.
“You ready to go, brother?” He claps a hand on my shoulder, concern in his eyes, lips pursed.
I nod, slowly walking out with him. The sick feeling in my gut is what I get for making assumptions.
11
Harley
My breath is coming in gasps, the thrum of my heart the only sound. The fear in my veins is ice-cold. Memories flash through my mind—of prying hands as I lie flat on a red leather chair, my bare skin sticking to the seat, and the sound of buzzing. Suddenly, my nightmare has come back to life.
“You gotta quit holding out on me, sweetheart. This hard-to-get game is driving me crazy for you. Come over tonight.” Kyle’s suggestive, grating tone wrenches me back to the present.
His hand on my ass suddenly registers, and I shove him off. My lungs are compressed, oxygen barely seeping in.
I’m safe in Texas. Illinois is a thousand miles away.
The race in my chest is finally beginning to slow. Panic attacks are a new development in my life, and they paralyze me. A voice blurs into my mind, growing louder through the haze.
“Harley…Harley! What’s wrong? What happened to her?” Kenna’s voice is suddenly blaring in my ears.
I physically jolt as she grabs my arms.
“Are you okay? Kyle, what did you do?”
Her wide, panicked eyes are inches from mine. I feel a tear slipping down my cheek.
It’s not real.
The room expands in my vision as I realize I’m not back there. I got away, and a handsy jerk like Kyle has no control over me.
“I didn’t do anything. I have no clue what’s wrong with her,” he says, eyes narrowed at me with mock concern.
My hand materializes and slaps at the stupid grin on his face, smacking it to the ground. The sound is drowned by the music, but the red mark on his cheek is proof it happened.
His face morphs into a brute glare, eyes cold, mouth forming a hard line.
I don’t wait for his response, fleeing instead with Kenna into the crisp, chilled air. I gulp, tears still falling from my eyes.
“Harley, I’m freaking out. What happened? What did he do? I saw you all starry-eyed with Adam. Then, the next thing I know, you’re in the corner with Kyle, and he had his hand—”
I cut her off, “I know, okay! I didn’t—he just grabbed me and—I just—” My words are a jumble of choked sobs, and I hate myself for losing control.
The past few months have been an awakening. Finally breaking free from the nightmare of my life has steadily allowed the reality of my circumstances to drip in, slow and agonizing.
“Take a few breaths, Harley. Breathe in.” She pauses. “Breathe out.” She mimics the slow, deliberate pattern until I’m under control.
Exhaustion overcomes me. I look up to realize we’re standing by her cherry-red Jeep Wrangler. She opens my door, and I climb in. The window rolls down, my head resting back on the cold seat. By the time we reach the dorms, I feel raw and exposed. All I want is to hide in the comfort of my bed.
“If you need to talk about it, I’m always here. I know how a panic attack can take it out of you, and you don’t have to explain anything if you don’t feel like it…” Kenna’s voice is quietly soothing as we ride the elevator up to our room.
My insides feel hollow. A nod is all I can manage. It’ll be a miracle if I can ever comprehend these feelings. Voicing them seems like a towering, distant mountain I could never climb.
The dawn finally comes, and I’m reminded of my “date” at the plant nursery with Adam. Despite my fretful, broken sleep, the anticipation brings a lightness to my belly.
When twelve thirty rolls around, I still haven’t heard from him. Kenna asks if I want to go to lunch at the cafeteria. I’m already dressed in a yellow floral sundress with tiny white flowers on it. She insisted I wear it on our not-a-real date. It’s something I would never wear normally, but I feel like breaking free from my old shell. Adam is having a weird effect on me. Also, with all the dessert I’ve been eating, some of my shorts won’t button.
I’m debating if I should wait for him here or go with her.
“He can just pick you up from there when he calls,” she says with a smile.
I nod. Of course she’s right. I’m being ridiculous. He’s just a friend, taking me to my favorite place, where sunshine gives life to all the green things.
We stroll in the October air, the temperature still warm. Illinois is probably already cool enough for a light jacket. As we step into the air-conditioning, I go save us a seat. I’m too nervous to eat anything. Kenna brings me over a glass of water, and I mumble a thanks.
“So, what’s got you all twisted up into a ball of yarn? You should be excited! He really is the sweetest and so handsome. I don’t usually go for short hair, but with a jawline like that, it would be a sin to hide it. Also, his eyes look like a pot of warm honey. Mmm…” She does a little shoulder shimmy, and I laugh.
It didn’t take her long at all to break down my defenses. She’s the type of genuine that’s impossible to be guarded around. Her beauty is inward as much as it is outward, emerald eyes popping.
“He is. I just can’t tell if he really is a good one or just good at acting like a good one. You know?”
I’m eternally grateful that she hasn’t brought up my panic attack from last night. We somehow bonded through the experience.
She nods her head in understanding, taking a bite of her grilled sandwich. The silence encourages me to go on.
“He says he only wants to be friends, but it’s like we both secretly want more. I can’t tell if he’s just nervous to admit it or if he’s fighting it because he thinks I’m…dirty or something.” I’m not usually one to open up, but I need to talk to someone about it.
She waves a hand like that thought is ridiculous. “Oh, he is definitely just nervous to admit it. He’s probably never even seen a girl as hot as you. He was raised out on a farm, totally isolated from the world. They didn’t even know girls like us existed. At least, I keep telling myself that’s why Levi doesn’t want anything to do with me.” She’s trying to comfort me and herself at the same time. A weak smile curves over her lips.
“Sorry about Levi, by the way. I know you liked him.” I feel like a bad friend. All we’ve talked about is my boy problems. The realization we are friends now hits me. When did that happen?
She shrugs, adjusting her glasses. She looks adorable even though she rolled out of bed roughly ten minutes ago.
“I asked Adam and Dan if he was gay last night. They seemed pretty certain he’s not, so…I guess that means he just doesn’t like me. I’ve invited them all to two parties, and he hasn’t come to either. Oh well.”
I can see the hurt on her face. She looks up and attempts another smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
“He would be insane to not like you, and he probably is just into guys. You can’t help that you were born with a hoo-ha.”
I’m expecting a laugh, but instead, her face goes white as she looks behind me. She dips down, staring at her tray.
“Of course, the one day I look like a garbage can…” she mumbles.
“What is it?”
I turn around to see Levi, Dan, Silas, and Adam sitting down to eat a few tables behind us. Maybe he plans to text me after?
He’s still in his work clothes—a dirty gray T-shirt and worn jeans that hug him perfectly. We make eye contact, and I attempt a smile and a little wave. His face changes from longing to embarrassment, pink gathering in his cheeks before he quickly looks back down at his tray.
“What the hell? I’m abou
t to go over there and—” Kenna starts to stand up, but I grab her hand.
“It’s fine. Please don’t. I’m just gonna go back to the dorm. Hey, look. It’s Riley. Can she sit here with you? I’m sorry. I need to—” My voice chokes a little as I stand to leave. I’m going to be sick.
Riley walks up with a salad and a Diet Coke, saving the day. She takes one look at my face, and hers creases with concern.
“Hey, what’s the matter? Are you sick?” She’s talking so loud that I want to slap her.
My head nods as I flee.
12
Adam
My heart sinks into my shoes as I watch Harley run from the cafeteria. I loathe myself. I’ve been trying to send her a cancellation text all morning, but I couldn’t think of how to phrase it without lying or sounding like a jerk.
How can she expect me to watch her let another guy feel her up right after I held her in my arms on the dance floor? My heart was racing with emotion until it crashed and burned. Why don’t I understand women at all?
“Let it go, man. You can’t help that she picked that bonehead.” Silas is trying to reassure me, and I realize Dan must have told them what happened.
“We’re just friends.” I shrug with indifference.
They all look at each other and back at me, obvious concern on their faces. Yeah, yeah, I’m delusional. I pick at my burger, my stomach rejecting the thought of food entering it.
A blonde head is weaving toward us. Looking up, I see Kenna marching up to the table, her teeth bared and a flush in her neck. She stabs a finger into my chest, leaning down toward me.
“You really are a prick, you know that? The only thing that’s worse than a guy like Kyle is one who pretends to be all nice and sweet before hurting someone who deserves better! You’re pathetic.” She leans back, huffing out a breath and surveying the table of gaping mouths and raised eyebrows.