by Kenneth Wise
Chapter 7
Dr. Ledderman, Steven’s Psychologist, was fun to be with, even though he was trying to pry Steven’s brain apart. He administered a lot of tests; some were fun, sometimes funny. The Ink Blot and Word Association Tests were his favorite. The most interesting was the EEG test. He did not understand it, but it was something new and interesting.
Mr. Ledderman was a big man, He stood at least six feet five and he weighed close to four hundred pounds if he weighed an ounce. His voice did not fit his physical appearance; it was not soft but also not gruff. Steven thought his voice was like a lot of movie Santa Claus’. When he raised his voice just a little above the normal conversational level, he reminded Steven of an Irish Tenor warming up. He was a man, Steven thought, who really likes what he is doing.
The first time they met, Dr. Ledderman promised him that nothing he said would ever leave the confines of that office except for the reports he was required to submit, and those would be the Doctor’s impressions, not the content of their conversations. He said that there were also some very rare situations when he would be required by law to report on certain conversations. Steven decided to give him his trust. “He is someone who can be trusted” Steven had said to himself and to Andrew many times.
He asked his Doctor as many questions as the reverse. He found out that the Doctor was an overweight prodigy who graduated from high school when he was eleven and had his first Master’s Degree at fifteen. He completed the work for his first PhD by the time he was twenty and his PhD in Psychology at twenty five. Steven was shocked to learn that his first doctorate was in Physics and that he decided he did not like the career paths opened to him and knew he wanted to do something that would help people, “and so here I am” he said as he slapped his hands on his thighs as if to say amen.
He met with Dr. Ledderman at least twice a week and his mind had been probed in so many ways that he thought his head was full of sponge material. The most serious parts of their discussions, and the ones Steven hated most, involved sex and Steven’s attitude toward it. On days when he felt mad, and hurtful, he would allow himself to think that the good doctor was getting his own satisfaction from Steven’s sex life. Of course he knew that Ledderman got no satisfaction from any part his life. He knew that this gentle giant genius wanted nothing but to help Steven, if not to solve his various problems to at least recognize and admit that he had them.
They had established very early on that Steven had already been involved in sexual activity and the doctor would periodically use part of their session to talk about sex.
“What do you talk about when you are having sexual intercourse,” Letterman asked him once. Steven thought it was a silly question. “I don’t talk, I perform. Talking comes before and after but while we are doing it, I don’t have time to have a conversation,” Steven told him, sounding like a smartass punk of sixteen who thought he had an answer for every question.
During one session Ledderman asked him if he had sex with every girl he dated. “No.” Steven said curtly. “Why not?” The Doctor asked, just as curtly. Steven hated this part of their discussions because he was always confused when the session ended. “If I think I am in love with a girl”, Steven continued, now sounding like a teacher trying patiently to teach math fundamentals to a slow student, “I would not even try to have sex with her; sex could wait, but other girls I date; who I obviously like if I am dating them but that I’m not in love with; if they want to, then we have sex. I just can’t have sex with someone I love.” Steven told him.
The Doctor: “How do you know which girls you are in love with and which ones you just like?”
“It’s just a feeling. I can’t describe it. It’s just a feeling.”
“What happens if you just like someone and have sexual relations with her and then fall in love with her later?” The Doc wanted to know.
“That would never happen. I could never fall in love with a girl that I had already done it with.”
“Why?” Once again Ledderman hit Steven with his favorite question.
Steven tried to explain. “If I felt like I was in love with a girl, then there must be something special about her. I would have respect for her and always treat her like a queen. I would be proud just to be with her. With a girl like that I would just like to be with her, talk about interesting things, go to nicer places than where I usually hang out, flirt with each other just for the fun of it. If I was dating a girl that I’m not in love with, someone I was just in like with, then anything both of us want to do, we can do.”
“So you think sex and love are two separate things? You don’t think they are connected, that they cannot be mixed together?” asks the doc.
“Yes, I think they are two different things. There is no connection.”
The Doctor: “Would you marry someone you love”
“Of course,” blurted Steven to another silly question.
Ledderman asked, “Would you have sex with her after you were married?”
Steven hesitated, trying to figure out if it was a trick question and when he it was safe he finally answered, “That’s different. Once you are married it is normal to have sex. You are supposed to start a family and sex is the only way to do that”
“I see”, says Ledderman raising his bushy eyebrows. Then sex would not be for enjoyment?
“I guess”, Steven replied, knowing by the new height of his eye brows that his doctor had somehow painted him into a corner again.
“Steven,” asked Dr. Ledderman, “How much older than you was the first person you had sex with?”
Steven thought for a few seconds before answering, “Eight.”
“Why did you have sex with someone that much older than you?” Ledderman wanted to know.
Steven said, “It just happened. She said she wanted to break me in right. That was probably just a joke. She was the sister of a friend who I always thought had a really hot body. My friend set up the whole thing when I was sleeping over at their house.”
The doctor continued, “So you were raped.” It was a statement; not a question.
Steven was getting angry and shouted, “Hell no! It was just sex. I did not force her and no one forced me. I would never; ever force anyone to have sex with me and hope I never have to know what it feels like to be forced.”
Again with raised eyebrows Ledderman said “I see.”
Every time they talked about sex, Dr. Ledderman would bring up the question of Steven’s belief that there was no connection between love and sex and every time Steven would leave; confused again and frustrated that he could not see the connection and why everyone else did.
Another one of Dr. Ledderman’s favorite subjects was his concern that Steven did not seem to have very many close friends. Steven told him that he thought friendship was hard. Two or three close friends was almost too much to handle, he had found, because there would always come a time when there would be a problem between them and he would be expected to take sides, which he would refuse to do. He failed to admit or confess to the fact that he would “take a bullet” for the few close friends he had, or that he protected them like a mama bear protecting her cubs.
In one particular session, Ledderman wanted to know why he could not keep a steady girlfriend; had so few friends and isolated himself from his family and other adults who could help him. They were deep into a session that had already been very contentious. He was nearly shouting when he asked the question. He knew Steven well by now and knew what it took to stir up some emotion and get him talking.
“Damn Doc, why do you keep badgering me? I can’t keep girlfriends for long because they think I have weird and impossible dreams. Most of them have no dreams. They want to marry some guy who will get a job at the steel mill, have a few kids, hang around with the rest of the neighborhood ladies and live happily ever after. Do you know that most of them don’t even care if they graduate from high school? Some of them even want to get knocked up so they can quit school and nail down the
man of their dreams. Well that ain’t me, Doc! I don’t know what I want, but I want something. I just don’t need friends all that bad; I do better on my own. And talk about family; shit, what family? They alienated me, not the other way around.” Steven yelled at the big man who towered over him.
“So no one else is good enough to live in your world? You are just so damn special that no one else can measure up,” the Doctor yelled back at him with a much deeper, booming voice.
Steven was standing, tears forming in the corners of his eyes, and shouted right back. “Leave me alone. Just don’t worry about how many friends I have; or why I can’t keep a girlfriend. It’s none of your damn business!”
“Everything is my business kid”, Letterman hollered, “You think you’re too good to answer my questions?” The doctor knew he was pushing him and that he would keep pushing. He knew that he had to get Steven mad enough to blow up. He knew it was the only way to get Steven to spill his guts.
“What do you want to do now; go hide in the corner and try to figure out how long forever is? Look around, buster. All the corners are full; you can’t tune me out.” The Doctor shouted.
“I said to leave me the hell alone,” Steven shouted back but now he was shaking and his voice was cracking.
“Why?”, continued Letterman, “You gonna find something to hit me with? Is that why you don’t have friends, because they are afraid of you?”
“Damn you Doc!”
Letterman knew Steven was close to letting all that anger explode. “Damn me. Damn me. That’s it! You think I should just take that curse and run home and hide? Well damn YOU! Tell me why you don’t have friends.”
“Leave me alone!”
“Why don’t you have friends, Steven? I want to know why you don’t have friends.”
Steven Finally exploded. “Because sooner or later they will desert me, turn on me, lie about me, do all kinds of shit to fuck over me and hurt me and I DO NOT want to be hurt anymore! I don’t want to be hurt anymore!” Steven said with his head hanging, looking like a dog that had been kicked, and sobbing in pain as his anger subsided, “I don’t want to be hurt anymore! In a voice trailing off Steven whispered,” Please, I don’t want to be hurt anymore.”
Ledderman was standing face to face with Steven and as his energy waned, the boy fell into the waiting, protecting arms of the doctor, who held him and let him cry until he got it all out of his system. There was a lot to get out. "Sometimes I hate my job." Ledderman thought to him self. "These kids have so much pain bottled up inside them and the only way I can help is to cause them more pain."
“Young man, I am speaking as a friend,” the doctor said almost in a whisper as he continued to hold his young patient, “and I am telling you that you are destined for a very sad and very lonely life if you don’t find a way to trust other people, at least some other people. I am afraid our time together in this place is far too short for me to help you, but please believe me that you need help or you will never achieve your wonderful dreams.”
After he had regained his composure, Steven left the Doctor’s office and as he walked to the pod he thought about what Dr. Ledderman had just said and knew his friend was right. He also knew he was headed for a very sad and very lonely life.