Kat grabbed a late lunch from the bar in the lobby, and had a gin and tonic with it, hoping it might steady her nerves. She felt too anxious to eat, so she sipped at the drink only to find herself becoming lightheaded.
Terrified at the thought of getting on stage slightly tipsy, she wolfed down her meal – a rather sophisticated burger with avocado, a thick coarse-ground beef patty, pancetta, and smoked gouda on a brioche bun. The fries were made from yams and, according to the menu, ‘triple cooked.’ It was delicious and very filling.
When she was finished she headed back to her dressing room, planning to get out her laptop and write some more on her latest book, a Kat Denham mystery. But she couldn’t get her thoughts together to do it. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t get into the ‘flow.’ It began to frustrate her so much that she felt her teeth clenching and her muscles tensing.
Sitting in a small chair equipped with wheels, she pushed herself back away from the counter where her laptop was perched. Her push was far more forceful than she meant it to be, and she found herself flying backward into the middle of the room, which startled her. She normally would have found this quite funny, but given the mood she was already in, she found it unsettling.
All of a sudden the little dressing room felt far too confined. It had no windows. Kat was desperate for some space and fresh air. When she’d gone out to the bar to get something to eat and drink, she’d seen a fire escape door in the corridor. It had a window next to it, and when she peered out, Kat had seen a little fenced-in courtyard, and a path leading down to the parking lot. She decided to go out there and catch her breath and then try to get into a good frame of mind.
She went down the corridor and pressed forward on the bar that opened the fire door. A woman in the courtyard flinched, startled, then threw away the cigarette she was holding. Kat realized it was Jay Talbot.
Kat stepped outside and closed the door behind her. “I think it’s okay to smoke out here. I’m sure it’s fine,” Kat said to her.
Jay flushed and jammed her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “Yes, probably. I wasn’t really worried about that.” She gestured toward a large trash can with a built-in ashtray on top. “I was more embarrassed that someone had seen me smoking. It’s my little secret habit. A new secret habit, I hasten to add. I’ve only been smoking for a couple of weeks.”
“Well, I won’t judge you,” Kat said. “Everyone’s got their own vice, and you’re not harming anyone by doing it.”
Jay smiled a small smile. “Thanks.” Then she leaned back on a nearby railing and let out a huge sigh. “Sometimes I feel a pressure to be perfect. You know, being a personal development speaker and all. But I didn’t ask to be that or ever say I was perfect. I was just talking about my personal experiences and how I was coping with them.”
“No one’s perfect,” Kat said. “Anyway, like I said, you could be doing a whole lot of worse things other than smoking a little cigarette.”
“Yes,” Jay said, seeming to take some strength from what Kat was saying. “You’re right.”
Kat wished the conversation would continue, because it was distracting her very nicely from how anxious she felt. But they quickly ran out of things to say, and before long, Kat’s nervousness was bubbling back up again.
“You’ve given a lot of talks,” she said. “Do you have any tips for me? This is my first time. How do you control a bad case of the nerves?”
Jay laughed bitterly. “Unfortunately, you’re not going to like the answer. I certainly don’t. For one thing, the nerves never get easier to deal with whether you’re speaking in a huge arena, or a theater like this one. It’s all the same. I’ve done about twenty speaking engagements now, I think. Each one is as nerve-racking as the last.” She sighed deeply, and looked Kat straight in the eye. “But, honestly? The only reason I’m not freaking out about this talk is because I’m freaking out about my kids.”
Kat didn’t expect that level of ‘sharing’ and was somewhat taken aback. But she cared, and opened her heart. “Oh? What’s wrong?”
Jay gave her a small brave look that tried to be a smile but failed. “Do you mind if I light up again?”
“Not at all,” Kat said.
“I… I’m wondering if it was a mistake, me writing this book.” Jay lit up her cigarette and took a long deep drag on it. “It all went so fast. I wasn’t writing it for anyone but me, much less for it to be published and the whole world to see it. Maybe Reiss was right. He didn’t ask to be famous. What right did I have to air out our dirty laundry in public?”
Kat didn’t have much sympathy for cheating husbands. She’d read Jay’s book and remembered Jay’s heartache. The pages were seeped in her pain. “Well, you didn’t write any lies about him.”
“No, that’s true enough,” Jay said. Kat watched her – her hand holding the cigarette was shaking. “I just hope I haven’t damaged my children. He says I’ve scarred them for life.”
Kat thought about this. She didn’t really know what to say. Ideally, yes, perhaps details of their parents’ marriage would be best discussed behind closed doors, or with a trusted therapist, rather than with the whole of America… But then, who was she to judge? Life happened in all sorts of strange and less than ideal ways.
“At least now I can leave him,” Jay said. “It’s just that… well…” Her voice caught in her throat. “This was supposed to be my victory book. I had felt so small, so powerless, for such a long time. This was supposed to make me claim back my power. I was so strong, so tough, so ‘empowered.’ Now? Honestly, I just feel like a jerk. I’m here doing a speech, and that’s great. But I’m scared. I’m afraid of all these people’s expectations. Why do people look up to me so much? Seriously, I don’t get it.”
Kat thought for a moment. “I think it’s because you were brave enough to tell your story, warts and all.”
Jay stared at her intently. “But that’s the thing. I’m not. I was, for a little while. But now I’m not. Now I just want to run and hide and live an anonymous life with my children. But I can’t. I can’t, because what’s done is done. You can’t unpublish a book. I can’t make people delete videos of my interviews and speeches – they paid me to come and do them, and I signed contracts handing over all the rights to them.
“And to think, all of this is going to exist somewhere out there, forever. That’s terrifying. It’s not like I was talking on strategies to train your dog, or how to play poker. I was talking about my husband cheating and my heart breaking and my childhood issues and… ugh!” She let out a strong noise of frustration. “I can’t believe this. This isn’t my life. This can’t be my life.”
Kat didn’t know what to say. There was nothing she really could say to make her feel better. She couldn’t really even empathize, having nothing in her own experience that was similar. All she could do was listen. “I’m listening,” she said softly.
Jay had her head down, and Kat wasn’t sure if she was crying or not. But then Jay lifted up her head and puffed on her cigarette. “Reiss had always told me that life would be very hard for me without him. What I didn’t fully understand was that he would be the one making it hard. I don’t recognize the man I married. I don’t think he was ever in love with me. I think it was all a game to him. I was just… prey, I guess.”
Kat felt so sad for her.
“But I just have to stay strong for Lila and Thomas,” Jay said. “I can do that. He keeps hinting that he’s going to take them… Well, I don’t know if he actually is hinting, or if I’m just being paranoid and seeing things that aren’t there. I’m not sure. When it comes to Reiss, I’m always confused. I always have been. I am even now, to this day. Did he really love me? I said he didn’t, but maybe he did. Or maybe he doesn’t know what love is? I just don’t… I don’t understand what he wants. What’s his motive? What would anyone’s motive be for treating someone they love so poorly? I just don’t get it.”
Kat nodded. One of her good friends, Sandy, had previously be
en in an abusive relationship, where her husband had been very cruel to her and made her doubt her perceptions. He’d call her a horrid name, then two hours later deny he’d ever said anything. Kat had helped her, and they’d done some research. “I think that’s called gaslighting,” Kat said, “you know, when your spouse makes you very confused about what’s real and what isn’t.”
Jay sighed. “I know. I’ve heard that term. But I guess… I can’t just resign myself to the idea that Reiss is just an awful abuser and that’s that. I… well, I love him. We’ve had nearly ten years together and two beautiful children. A wonderful home.” She sighed. “Some days I have it all together, and I know I can chart a new path and start a new life and be happy. And other days I just want to beg Reiss to be nice and help me glue our sorry relationship back together.”
Kat nodded. “I can understand that. It’s such a big change.”
“Yes,” said Jay, looking around, seemingly glad for the recognition. “Not every day do we feel like we want to go out and conquer the world. And I’ve had to deal with the changes involved in becoming somewhat famous and traveling all over the place already. It’s like… my life has no foundation. Do you know what I mean?”
Kat nodded. “I really see where you’re coming from. It doesn’t sound easy.”
“Oh, there you are!” The fire door had opened, and Lennon was standing there with a look of relief on her face. “The makeup artists and hairstylists are here. I thought I’d lost my two favorite speakers. I’ve looked everywhere for you!” She sniffed, then frowned. “It smells like smoke out here. I didn’t know either of you smoked.”
Jay had earlier put her cigarette out on the top of the trash can. She looked awkward. “Sometimes I have one before performances.”
“Oh okay,” Lennon said. “Try not to make it a habit, though if for no other reason that it makes you smell stale.” She motioned for them to come inside. “There are plenty of other ways to deal with stress,” she said to Jay cheerfully. “I used to be a smoker, so I know how tough it is. I do Pilates now, and they teach you a special type of breathing…”
The three of them walked back down the corridor to the dressing rooms. Kat smiled to herself as she listened to Lennon twittering on. She could be quite overly enthusiastic on occasion, but her heart was in the right place.
CHAPTER 8
Georgina Moncherry and her husband Hunter were nothing short of ‘Midwest Christian Perfection.’ They’d both saved their purity for their wedding day and had married just before they both turned twenty, having met at their Christian High School.
Now, twenty years later, they were nothing short of a Power Couple. Hunter was the pastor of a megachurch, and Georgina was First Lady, with all the power and prestige that came with the role. Every single Sunday without fail, morning service and evening service, she would be there on the stage, dressed in her best, her hair neatly blown out, her nails manicured and perfect, with a huge smile on her face. Come rain or shine, that was where she’d be.
Their teenage boys didn’t let the team down either. Hayden and Conner were model students, not loners, but not jock-popular, so perfectly in the middle, and committed Christians. Hayden played keyboard and Conner bass guitar in the worship band. They tucked in their shirts and were respectful to women.
Georgina also kept an immaculate home. The congregation had bought them a lovely five-bedroom house with a large yard and swimming pool. It was spacious and so well taken care of, it gleamed. Hayden and Conner took turns riding on the sit-on mower as they manicured the lawn into perfect strips.
‘Perfect’ would have been the best word to describe the house, too. Georgina did employ a maid to help with the cleaning, but really, she loved to do it herself. There was something so incredibly satisfying about making everything absolutely perfect. She was the kind of woman who would make her guests lean forward on the couch where they were sitting so she could grab the cushion from behind their back, plump it up, and then return it to its position. She vacuumed the curtains once a week and cleaned the kitchen floor every day with a steam mop – sometimes twice a day.
The family prayed together around the kitchen table before every meal. They read books by Christian authors about happy marriages, respectful children, scriptural parenting, and making Godly investments.
They had started a project for the homeless of the neighboring towns and went there at least twice a month to help dish out the food they’d paid for. With a cheerful attitude, the whole family would put aprons and hairnets on and begin to dole out a pasta and chicken dish, or meat, potatoes, and vegetables, along with a side-serving of ‘God bless you.’ The homeless always moaned that there was no dessert except for fruit, but that was what Georgina Moncherry had decided.
That was another thing that was perfect about the Moncherry family. They were all perfectly fit and healthy. Their meals consisted of lean meats, grilled vegetables, and fruit. Water was the drink of choice – soda and juice were too sugary, while sugar-free options were loaded with carcinogenic toxins.
Georgina and Hunter would have an occasional glass of red wine. Of course, being under twenty-one, Hayden and Conner had not so much as even thought about consuming liquor. They all went jogging together, and on long bike rides, and their vacations usually involved some combination of the two, perhaps with mountain hikes thrown in, too.
Make no mistake, Georgina had worked very hard to get their lives to be this perfect. While cleaning came naturally to her, eating healthily and exercising was more of a chore. She was on a constant mission of self-improvement, saying that she was trying to “make their family reflect God’s goodness.”
She was certainly the standard-setter in the house, and everyone fell into line. Some people would have seen her as controlling, but she justified it to herself by saying she was doing what God commanded her – to build a loving, Godly family. And really, that is exactly what she thought she was doing.
Hunter was just as controlling as she was, but in two different areas. One was the church. Despite Georgina being First Lady, she had no say at all in what went on there or how services would be conducted. He reminded her that her job was to sit on the stage, smile and support him, and that was it. He didn’t need her ideas, and he didn’t want them.
The second area was finances. Georgina, having struggled terribly in school with math, always thought she was just horrible at it. But when she’d taken Conner to see an educational psychologist for an issue he was having, she got to talking to them and found out that she had dyscalculia. Any type of math broke her out in a cold sweat, and even the sight of a calculator made her feel nervous.
While she was smart and highly literate, she just couldn’t get her head around numbers and what they really meant. Hunter wanted total control of the finances, and if anything, she was relieved about that. He deposited an allowance into her personal account each month, and that was as much as she knew about their financial situation. It suited her well.
That evening, Georgina, Hunter and the kids were going to see Georgina’s sister Jacqueline give a talk (Jacqueline insisted on being called Jay, but Georgina thought it sounded too masculine). She had become quite famous after releasing a scandalous book detailing all the gory parts of her failing marriage. Georgina had been totally horrified when it first came out, and even wanted to deny they were sisters. It would have been easy enough, given they had both taken married names. But Hunter had told her she had to be more accepting, forgiving, and show her a Christ-like love.
So Georgina, feeling very superior and intent on being kind to Jay, just like Christ was kind to all manner of fallen sinners, decided to go to one of her shows, and try to reach out to her sister afterward. They’d not really talked for a few years. The only contact they had at the moment was on a Christmas-card basis. Georgina had warned Jay not to marry Reiss because he wasn’t a Christian. She’d been right, she realized, with some kind of smug sadness for her sister. Never mind. Georgina would still be there for
Jay, no matter what she did or said.
A month or so before the event, Georgina also took it upon herself to attempt to minister to Jay’s children. They were being raised by two parents who were so utterly lost, sinful and dysfunctional, that Georgina saw it as her duty to step in. Perhaps she’d even adopt them, she daydreamed. She did miss having little ones around the house.
She’d called Jay, and Jay had agreed to meet her. Georgina had suggested an elegant lunch with the children. Any excuse to dress up. Georgina sat at her dressing table, getting ready. She’d gone to the salon for a blow out, so her caramel colored hair bounced attractively on her shoulders. She wore a modest blue dress with black and white flowers and a blue bolero type cardigan. White wedge sandals would complement the look, along with her usual silver jewelry – very unobtrusive and elegant. She smiled at herself in the mirror. She’d recently gotten her teeth whitened, and they looked fantastic.
“Hello, Georgina,” Hunter said as he entered the room. His face was pinched and pale, but it spread into a huge smile. “You look wonderful.”
Georgina returned the smile and looked into his eyes as he stood near the doorway. “Thank you, my darling, for taking the time to notice. I really appreciate that. I feel seen and validated. You are a wonderful man. I’m so blessed to have you as my husband.”
Hunter didn’t respond with his usual grin.
Georgina turned to him and frowned slightly. “What’s wrong, honey?”
Hunter dragged one of the armchairs by the window across the room until it was next to the dressing table, so he could sit in it and look directly into her eyes. He took her by the hand. “Georgina, my love.”
Small Town Murder: Midwest Cozy Mystery Series Page 5