by Samantha Bee
I blink rapidly. I can't see the black screen anymore. Where did it go?
I shake my head as I try to bring my eyes back into focus and figure out what I'm staring at.
All of a sudden, my face is being moved upwards and I see the harsh features of someone who feels familiar. Soft, gray-blue eyes look down at me with concern.
Declan.
I shudder and snap out of it. I blink up at him and my mouth drops open a little bit. "Declan," I whisper, still trying to clear the fog from my brain.
"Are you high?" His question has no judgement, only worry as he examines me. That's what I was forgetting. I was supposed to meet him for lunch. I start to say no, but pause as I think about it.
I slowly nod as it dawns on me that's why I feel so off. "I took something for my anxiety," I admit to him but shake my head to myself. "I've taken it before though, countless times. I've never felt like this."
He nods as he sits next to me and brushes my hair out of my face. "It's probably just amplifying your other emotions."
I nod as that makes sense. Panic threatens to overwhelm me as I look down at my hands, but the fog overpowers the feeling and lulls me back into a facade of calm. True relief rushes through the haze as I realize my hands are clean. There's no blood to show my crimes to Declan.
Lately, after a kill I do feel more disconnected from reality. I've never really had that problem before. I normally relish in every slice of my blade, every injection or chokehold. I love taking back the power that was stolen from me. I've always had someone to share it with. Even when Luca wouldn't run with me, I would see him after. There has always been someone to take me through the rush of the high and ease the crash so I didn't lose myself to it.
I took the pills to help but it made it even harder to connect. Even now as I'm staring at Declan's face, I'm still off, slowly wading through all my thoughts. The moment between each word spoken dragged out in a way that I've never experienced before.
"How long have you been here?" I ask him but he's still studying me. I can hear how different my voice sounds, I don't even know how to describe it though. Just wrong. Not strong and sure like I normally am. Faded, like hearing it through a bad connection.
"A few minutes." He gets up, my eyes follow him as he walks into the kitchen. "You didn't show up and weren't answering your phone. I thought you might still be asleep." He comes back with a bottle of water and a blanket. He hands me the water before draping the blanket over me and tucking it in on the sides. I watch him and feel my brows go up in question.
"What are you doing?"
He laughs. "Being your friend." He settles back in next to me before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his keys, he starts to pull one off and I recognize it as my own. "I wasn't intending to use this, but I started to get worried when you didn't answer." He starts to hand the key back to me, but I shake my head.
"You can just keep it," I say. He looks at me surprised but I shrug or try to. I'm not sure how it actually comes out. I gave him the key early this morning when he had to leave for work. It’s not the first time he’s had to leave straight from here to go to work. The nightmares aren't quite as bad when he stays the night. Sometimes it’s strange how fast we fell into our own little routine. Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve the comfort and relief I feel when he’s by my side. But if Declan wants to be my friend, teach me how to accept comfort and open up, I think it's okay for me to be selfish and want him to soothe my demons. Is that what friendship is?
I'm still working it all out, much to his amusement. I struggle to be totally honest when I'm feeling anything. I have a hard time naming all the emotions coursing through my bloodstream. I don't know how to put into words everything that happened with the guys and just how badly I fucked up. Declan is patient though. He stays silent as I work through everything running through my mind and can figure out how to put it into words. He offers comfort without expectation and doesn't push me.
Mostly I tell him stories about the guys. He knows I miss them, he asks some questions but always just accepts whatever I'm willing to tell him. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Noah. I think it might be why I fell into such an easy acceptance of our friendship, even if I'm not as open as he wants me to be. He slowly drags truth after truth out of me. Splinters my resolve and breaks through my walls as the pain and hurt is too overwhelming for me to contain by myself.
Every time I feel like I'm starting to drown, he is there, ready and willing to pull me back up to the surface and help me float. He's harder than Noah though. Where Noah was shy, Declan is reserved, more like Luca in that regard. He has a quiet confidence that carries through a room without him ever speaking a word. But he soothes me in a way similar to how Noah did. Not quite the same, Noah made me feel a calm, a sense of peace, a comfort. Declan comforts me, but he helps me take back the control of the rampant emotions slowly destroying me from the inside out.
I give him a small smile. "We both know, you're probably going to end up sleeping over again." He smiles back at me, and I can see the twinkle in his eye that means he thinks I'm making progress in this friendship. I shrug again but this time the gesture feels a bit more natural. I think the pills might be slowly fading out of my system. "Easier for you to have a key than me having to get up and lock up after you."
"Aww, you're finally getting this friendship thing," he teases me.
I laugh. "I don't know how many friends actually have keys to each other's places."
It's his turn to shrug as he chuckles. "Nah, you're right. But best friends? They always get spare keys."
I laugh as I hit him in the chest. He can be such a confident shit. I eye him up and down. "Are you hungry?" We were supposed to meet for lunch after all. He spreads himself out over the couch, making himself comfortable.
"I already ordered pizza," he answers after he finally settles in next to me. I groan in appreciation as I realize just how fucking starving I am.
He puts on a movie and I drift off as he gently strokes my hair in a gesture I now associate with him.
I wake up to the smell of cheesy goodness and can't stop the groan from escaping my lips. Declan chuckles and places a plate on my lap as soon as I move myself into a sitting position. We are quiet as I devour my pizza. I eat three slices, barely stopping for a breath. Between the small nap and the food now sitting in my belly, I feel more like myself and the last of the fog has cleared from my brain. I'll have to remember to be more careful about what I take from now on. Being that out of it could be life threatening for me, especially with no one here to watch my back.
I drink more water as I assess Declan. "You know," I start and wait for him to meet my eyes before continuing, "I'm pretty sure friendship is supposed to go both ways." There's a lot more that I haven't told him, but I've given him more than I've ever given anyone else in such a short period of time. I know quite a bit about his background, but he actually hasn't told me about it.
"What do you mean?" he asks, but I can see that he knows exactly what I’m asking by the look in his eyes.
I narrow my eyes at him. "You always preach about how I need to let the words out, but what about you? You never talk about yourself except to bitch about your coworkers."
He sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "Okay, pretty girl. I guess you have a point." He gets up and cleans up our plates and wipes down the counters before putting the leftover pizza away. It's something I've noticed about him in the last few weeks. He can't stand clutter or messes. He never leaves dishes in the sink, constantly tidies up when he's here. I think it's all subconscious too. I don't think he actually knows he does it.
He comes back to the couch and settles my feet in his lap as he kicks up his feet on the coffee table and throws the blanket back over us. I wiggle as I settle in and he starts rubbing my feet as he begins to talk. I relax as his deep voice soothes me and I finally get to know more about him.
“I moved to St Graves immediately after I finished up my residency.
I grew up in Belridge Heights.” My eyebrows draw up as I recognize the name. It’s a city nestled up in the hills not all that far from St Graves. Far enough to maintain distance but close enough to drive back whenever you needed. It’s one of the wealthiest and most affluent cities in the country. “I had no desire to return there once I had escaped. So, I settled here."
I know there must be a story about why he doesn't want to return home, but he never pushes me and I'm not one to pry anyways. Who says we have to share every facet of our pasts to be close? A city like Belridge Heights is steeped in secrets. Where there is money and power, there is corruption. I’m relieved to know he was able to get away, even if the marks of the elite are still clear in his presence.
"Since moving here, I haven't fully gotten close to anyone." He hits me with that little look of his and I smirk.
"So, it was really just you desperate for a best friend, not me."
He chuckles but stops rubbing my feet to tickle them instead. I squeal out my protests as I try to rocket away from him. He has my foot in a firm grip that doesn't allow me to escape. After making me laugh so hard, I'm actually wheezing. He finally has mercy as he releases my foot and admits, "I told you that I wanted a friend too that first night."
I smile at the memory and sit up so I can lean against his shoulder. "You did," I sigh and hesitate before pushing myself out of my comfort zone. "I'm glad you're my friend, Declan," I whisper. I feel him nod before he kisses the top of my head.
"I'm glad you're my friend too, pretty girl."
I drift off again and settle into a deeper sleep than most nights since I left.
I wake up in my bed with strong arms banded around me. For one moment I'm filled with contentment before I remember that the arms don't belong to Kade. Before I remember that he hates me. They all hate me. I turn around and study Declan's features as he snores softly.
His blonde hair is mussed from sleep and all his features look just a tad softer and less angular as he rests.
I don't remember moving into my bed last night. I realize Declan must have carried me here. I look down at his shoulders and wince when I see new scratch marks there. He only ever climbs into bed with me when he can't settle me any other way. The nightmares must have been bad last night if I started clawing at him. The only peace I really have is that at least I don't remember them.
The familiar sense of guilt crawls up my throat as I lightly trace the bloody marks with my fingertips. Why the fuck do I have to be so damaged? Why couldn't I be just a little bit stronger? If I could have just one wish it would be that I wouldn't cause so much destruction to the only people I care about. I just can't seem to help it. Anyone who gets too close gets dragged into my chaos, and no one gets out of that unscathed.
I'm so lost in my own thoughts as I trace the marks I made in Declan's skin that I don't even notice his soft snores stopping or his eyes opening and studying me the same way I've been studying his scratches.
"Don't do that," he whispers. My eyes snap up to his. I don't find any anger or condemnation there, only compassion and understanding. I feel my eyes well up with an unknown emotion. "Pretty girl," he groans as he pulls one arm out from under me and starts stroking my hair. I start to shut down my emotions, locking them away so I don't have to feel so fucking overwhelmed. "Let yourself feel," he whispers. "It's okay to feel things, to be scared, to be lost, don't shut that down." He continues to stroke my hair as I take deep breaths and let myself just feel.
If he asked, I wouldn't be able to tell him why I'm so overwhelmed. There are so many regrets, so much guilt consuming me, so many things I can't put a name too. It feels like every day since I left, I've cracked just a little bit more. I thought I had been shattered beyond repair but it's clear now just how wrong I was. There's more of me to break, and breaking I am.
Declan holds me as I fall apart even if I don't know why this moment hurts so fucking much. He doesn't say anything else. Just runs his fingers through my hair as he gives me the space to let out all the excess emotion.
When I start to come back to myself, he gives me a cheeky grin. "So, who needed who?"
Laughter bubbles up out of me and I smack him. His light teasing actually makes me feel more settled than if he had tried to give me comfort in this moment. I feel too exposed, too vulnerable as I lay here. I don't think I could handle him saying anything about things working themselves out or how everything will be okay.
"Don't be a dick," I scoff.
He laughs as he pulls me to his chest. "I need you too, pretty girl."
Chapter Three
Another message not delivered. I’ve been uselessly checking my phone for weeks now but continue hearing nothing from Scar. Things had been going so well that her abrupt disappearance took me completely by surprise. I always knew there was going to be a day where she just lost interest, but never did I think that she would ghost me.
It’s never been her M.O. so I didn’t even think it would be how she dealt with ending things between us. I don’t think of myself as naive or clingy and yet as I stand here outside the gate, I can’t help but feel both.
I’m worried though. I can’t stop the sick feeling churning in my stomach that tells me this is more than just a girl losing interest. I know she is involved in some shady shit she hasn’t opened up to me about. I can’t help but stress that it has something to do with why she’s gone without a trace.
I take a deep breath and key in the code from what seems like a lifetime ago. I’m a bit surprised but relieved that it still works as I drive up the long road to the imposing house once again. This drive had become a part of my normal routine, I spent more time here than at home. It should feel natural, but all I can feel is dread and a sense of foreboding the closer I get.
The answers lay at the end of this road and I get the feeling I won’t be thrilled with whatever they are. I can’t put it off anymore though. Worries of Scar have been dominating my thoughts to the point I can barely function until I know she’s at least okay. If she just doesn’t want me, I can live with that, as long as she’s still okay.
I park in the same spot I had made a habit of doing and quickly get out and ring the doorbell before I lose my nerve once again. It doesn’t take long before the door is being thrown open, revealing a haggard looking Luca.
I take a step back in surprise at his disheveled appearance. The bags under his eyes showing just how little sleep he’s been getting. His hair is unruly and sticking up in different directions as if he’s been running his fingers through it repeatedly. The guy looks as stressed as I feel.
“Noah,” he says, the surprise clear in his tone. “I wasn’t expecting to see you, come in.” I follow him into the living room that was previously covered in toys, but now looks like what one would expect from any other bachelor pad. Including a passed out Ryder on the couch, surrounded by beer and whiskey. Clearly some shit has happened.
“Is she okay?” I can’t help the words from spewing out of my mouth. With every new detail I observe in the disarray of the house and the two men in front of me, I find myself more and more anxious.
Luca sighs, running his fingers through his already mussed hair. “So, you haven’t heard from her either?”
I shake my head. “It’s been about two weeks. My messages aren’t even delivering now. I stopped by her apartment, but no one was there.”
He nods and gestures towards the kitchen. “She moved out.” He doesn’t give any more explanation as we walk into the room. We sit down at the counter and it’s hard for me to not picture Scar in here cooking and teasing Rowan. When did I become so used to that life? It feels a bit empty without the two of them in here smiling and giggling together.
“It’s so much more complicated than I can explain to you,” he starts, and I can see the hesitation written all over his face. He isn’t sure how much he should or even can tell me.
“I know you all are involved in some shady shit. You don’t have to give me the details, just tell me she
’s okay.” Even I can hear the desperate plea in my tone. I’m so far gone for this girl, I don’t know how to put the pieces of my life back together without her in it. I’ll do it though if she’s okay. It’s all I really need. To know she’s safe and healthy.
Luca scoffs, “Of course she couldn’t have fallen for a dumb ass. No, she has to choose the guy that picks up on everything.” He mutters more about her and I can’t help the little laugh that escapes me. His attitude is starting to soothe some of the raucous anxiety churning through me. Surely he wouldn’t be so flippant and aggravated with her if she were in any real danger. I ignore the way my heart seizes in my chest at him saying she had fallen for me. I’m still so confused, and I need answers more than ever. I don’t think I can bear to think about meaning something more to her. Not when she’s so far out of my reach.
“A couple of weeks ago,” he starts back up again. “Her and Kade got into a fight. The fight was a complicated mix about her feelings towards all of us as well as the shit we are involved in.”
I stare at him as I blink several times. I know I’m missing a lot of the details, but I’m surprised to hear that it was Kade who confronted her about any of what we are doing. “Did he ask her to choose?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice. Kade has been the one who has been the most encouraging of this weird dynamic we’ve all been going along with. If anyone, I would have guessed Luca asking her to choose, but not Kade.
Luca laughs but it’s a harsh and bitter sound. “Not at all, but it seems she took it that way.”
Well, I guess that explains the absolute sense of desolation in the house and why she ghosted me. She chose Kade. He may not have asked her to, but if she was willing to pick one of us, all of what we’ve built unravels. It doesn’t work if she truly wants to be with just one of us. The anxiety is replaced with a bone deep sense of loss. I never expected it to hurt quite this much when she did leave.
I thought I had prepared myself from the first time that I asked her out and she laid out her rules for me. I thought I understood what I was getting into. That I would be able to protect myself. I thought wrong.