‘As Dr Schmitt’s car was driving away, Jacob shot out of the house. Dr Schmitt had to slam on the brakes. Jacob yelled my name and lunged towards the back window where I was sitting. I wound the handle down and opened the window as fast as I could. He shoved a die-cast model of a red fire engine in through the window.’
‘How sweet!’
‘Well, it was his favourite toy. I told him I couldn’t accept it. In my innocence I said, “I can’t take that, it’s your very best thing!” To which he answered, “No, Clara, you are.”’
‘Oh Mama,’ Ava said. ‘My heart is breaking even thinking about that. The poor boy must’ve felt as if his world was being torn apart too. How did you cope driving away with a group of total strangers like that?’
‘The doctor was a lovely man. In retrospect, it must have been the strangest atmosphere. My parents and I were so shell-shocked I don’t think we knew what we ought to say or do. Dr Schmitt kept the conversation going as we wound our way through the hills and towards the city.’
‘I’d say it was totally surreal.’
‘It probably sounds incredibly odd to you, but I was OK. I was massively excited about the prospect of going on a ship. We were also headed for the big city of Vienna, which I’d only ever heard about. Don’t forget, children think differently to adults. I wasn’t really looking that far ahead. I was caught up in the adventure and living for the moment.’
‘It sounds like a movie … But I can’t say I would’ve liked to be part of the cast like you were.’
‘Once we arrived in Vienna, Hannah and Lukas rushed away while Dr Schmitt took me to a coffee shop.’
‘No! Did you think you were being abandoned? Where did they go?’
‘Well, I clearly recall sitting on a high stool with my legs swinging as I drank hot chocolate from a bowl and ate the most delicious almond croissant I’d ever tasted.’
‘Weren’t you frightened?’
‘No, I wasn’t actually. Dr Schmitt was wonderful, as I’ve already said. He had the most calming, easy manner. Instinctively I knew he wasn’t going to allow me to come to any harm. Needless to say, since he’d bought me the hot chocolate and the croissant, as far as I was concerned we were pals. What do they call it? Ah, cupboard love!’
Ava laughed. ‘I can get with that. When I was little, I loved anyone who’d bring me to the sweet shop!’
‘There you go,’ Clara said nodding. ‘Well, Dr Schmitt and I were chatting quite happily when the door burst open and Hannah and Lukas rushed in with the happiest smiles I’d ever seen. Hannah was like a different person. She’d been meek and desperately sad-looking before that point. But now there was a pinkness to her cheeks and her eyes were dancing.’
‘Where had they been?’
‘To the registrar’s office to get married,’ Clara said.
‘No way!’
‘When I think about them now, it still brings me such joy. I know that was a major turning point for me. I knew by the looks on their faces that they loved one another totally. At the tender age of eight, I suddenly understood what true love actually looked like. I could see it beaming from their souls.’
‘Amazing,’ Ava said, shaking her head. ‘And so romantic.’
‘Lukas was ecstatic too. He scooped me up and swung me around, kissing my cheeks and telling me we were a real family now. I was truly happy for them, but I also felt so torn. Alina and Frank were obviously the only parents I’d ever known. Yet here were two wonderful people with such love in their eyes for me. I sat back on my high stool and watched them. Lukas couldn’t keep his hands off Hannah. He was so protective. His hand was around her waist, on her shoulder, touching her hair or holding her hand.’
‘Almost as if he was afraid to let her go?’
‘Precisely, dear.’ Clara nodded. ‘It soon became clear to me that we were indeed meant to be together. There was a kind of magic beaming from both of them. By the time we left the patisserie, Lukas’s excitement was contagious. He had so many plans for mein Mädchen – my girls – as he called us. I think Hannah and I were simply swept along on the wave of his enthusiasm.’
Clara told Ava how they’d rushed to make it to the train station so they could travel to Rotterdam in order to catch the ferry. They bid farewell to kind Dr Schmitt before Lukas bundled them on to a waiting train.
Clara longed to explore the train, but Lukas reiterated that they needed to stay together and wait until they reached the safety of Hull port in Rotterdam. Once they were safely on the port, over ten hours later, Clara noticed Lukas visibly relaxing. She remembered being impressed by the sheer size of the ship, and by the well-dressed folk on deck.
‘It was so exciting, I think I quite forgot to be sad.’
Lukas did all the talking while she and Hannah remained mute. Mercifully the guard waved them on, the ship’s horn sounded and within moments they were tugging away from Rotterdam and the life they’d known.
‘I went up on deck and gripped the side of the ship, watching the shoreline disappear. As soon as land faded, I turned to look at the other passengers. Oh, the fashions were magnificent!’
‘Were the ladies all in frock coats with bonnets and sassy lacy parasols?’ Ava asked, caught up in the imagery.
‘Oh no, at that time there was very little fabric available so it was all about nipped-in waists with accessories like gloves or if you were fortunate enough a hat with a feather was all in. I can still recall the sound of fine leather hitting the boards as the ladies walked on deck. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before.’
‘It sounds like a scene from Titanic,’ Ava sighed.
‘To me it was even better,’ Clara said. ‘I was never so proud of my own moss-green pea coat with matching hat. Mama Lee-Lee had always dressed me like a little doll, even though I was a dreadful tomboy. I was happiest up a tree or swinging from a rope. I could outrun Jacob by the time I was six!’
‘I’d say you were pretty,’ Ava said dreamily. ‘You were always beautiful when we were younger, so I can only imagine how stunning you were then. It’s only just struck me that there are no baby photos of you in the house. Wow, isn’t it amazing how I grew up without knowing any of this stuff and never really noticed? What kind of a person does that make me?’
‘Children go along with what they know, Ava. I never made a fuss of the circumstances in which I’d come to Ireland, so why would you have delved into them?’
‘Hey, I’m worse than you,’ Nathalie pointed out. ‘I thought Oma was dead and never thought to question it ever.’
‘I suppose Mama is right,’ Ava said. ‘We go along with whatever we are presented with in life. Plus, our relationship with Oma and Opa was always so positive too, so I never suspected they’d been through so much.’
‘They idolised you and Max,’ Clara said wistfully. ‘I know Mama especially doted on you as a baby. I think she was making up for lost time. She used to just appear at the door. I often asked Gus if it bothered him, but he was terribly patient in that way. She loved to bathe and dress you and spent hours sitting and gazing at you.’
‘It must’ve been quite hard for her in many ways.’
‘Oh it was, dear. She used to cry and say how sorry she was that she hadn’t had those times with me. But I always assured her I hadn’t missed out on anything. Sadly, she was the only one who had been deprived during that awful time.’
‘I know you said you simply adapted, but wasn’t there even a small part of you that was terrified when you came to Ireland at first?’ Nathalie asked.
‘Of course,’ Clara answered honestly. ‘But I forced myself to focus on my innate sense that Hannah and Lukas were good, kind people. During the course of that long boat journey I got to know them a little. My mother was clearly damaged. She was timid and nervous and so unsure. I think that brought out an inner strength in me. I felt indescribably protective towards her.’
‘How was Opa?’ Ava asked.
‘Oh, he was vibrant! He had mischievous ey
es and a wonderfully wicked sense of humour. He was incredibly tactile and obviously adored us both. He told us every hour how blessed he felt that we’d been reunited.’ Her expression darkened momentarily. ‘The hardest part was how I was to address them. I didn’t want to call them Mama and Papa.’
‘No, of course not,’ said Ava. ‘Because you’d just left the people you thought fitted those names.’
‘Precisely,’ Clara said. ‘Lukas and I had a lovely moment out on deck. It was evening time and as the journey was going to take almost two days it was a good opportunity to get acquainted. Hannah was resting, and we lay down on the wooden boards and gazed up at the inky sky. He told me how he’d wished upon those very stars each and every day that he would find us. He said I was worth more to him than any money or jewels. I picked up on the German word for jewel and nicknamed him Ju-Ju.’
‘I never knew that was why you called him that. I figured it was just a meaningless endearment. I heard you using that name several times and I never thought to ask why.’
‘He was my knight in shining armour, my golden star and most definitely more precious than any jewel. I still miss him each and every day. I hope you’re watching over me and that you can see us sitting here, my darling Ju-Ju,’ Clara said, turning her face upwards.
‘I called Hannah by her first name for many years. You were the catalyst I needed to eventually call her Mama. She was with me when I had you. She held my hand and supported me every step of the way. Your father was a doctor, as you know. He worked at the hospital and I was meant to go there to give birth. But you had different plans! The labour and birth were swift and I ended up having you on the floor in the hallway at home!’
‘I always like to make an entrance,’ Ava grinned.
‘Hannah handed you to me for the first time and stroked the hair back from my forehead. As she bent to kiss me, instinctively I said “Thank you, Mama.”’
‘Wow, that’s powerful,’ Ava said. Flapping her hands in front of her face, she tried to blow away her tears.
‘It was also a turning point for us as I had complications following your birth. I began to bleed furiously and Mama needed to take control, which she duly did. She called an ambulance and managed to keep me calm until the medics arrived to help me.’
‘That all sounds horrific,’ Nathalie said, shuddering.
‘Do you actually believe in heaven, Mama?’
‘Oh yes,’ Clara said. ‘I think there’s an amazing place waiting for us all. I think it’s full of the things that make us happy. There’s no suffering or hurt. People don’t worry about whether they’re fat, thin, blonde, brunette, rich or poor. And nobody is sick. There’s no cancer, heart disease or strife.’
‘That sounds wonderful,’ Ava smiled.
‘Yes, it does,’ Clara agreed. ‘Most of all, there’s no brutality. It’s serene. Like the very best day we can imagine, all the time.’ She sat upright. ‘But there’s still time to have fun while we’re roaming around this beautiful earth,’ she added.
‘I know, but it’s not easy, is it?’
‘No. I often have to scold myself. I’ve looked in the mirror on more than one occasion and told myself in no uncertain terms that I mustn’t waste the time I have here. Life is precious. It’s a gift.’
‘I agree with you,’ Ava said eventually. ‘But I find the unfairness of Angelina’s death seriously difficult to get my head around.’
‘I appreciate that. She was such a beautiful and precious little girl. But unless you want to drive yourself insane, you’re going to have to accept that she’s gone.’ Clara rubbed Ava’s arm gently. ‘I’m not saying that’s going to stop the hurt, but sadly there’s absolutely nothing we can do about death bar accept it. The best way for you to do her memory justice is to enjoy your own life.’
By the time Ava left, Clara was yawning.
‘I can’t believe it’s three o’clock in the morning,’ Nathalie said with a grin. ‘When I’ve stayed up this late before it was either at a sleepover when Mackenzie and I were much younger, or a few months back when I was drinking lots.’
‘It’s a long time since I’ve done this for any reason,’ Clara smiled. ‘I enjoyed it, though, and I know I wouldn’t have slept. So thank you for keeping me company.’
‘Hey, the pleasure is all mine.’
‘Tonight has been a long time coming. I had begun to lose hope of ever seeing Max again,’ Clara admitted. ‘You were great this evening, Nathalie. You’ve a wise head on young shoulders.’
As she lay in bed, Clara smoothed out her patchwork quilt and allowed it to transfix her just as it had done for decades. She never grew tired of admiring the multitude of patterns and pretty fabrics. Tracing her finger over the shapes, she thought of Gus. Was he looking down on them all this evening? Was he with Jacob? Did they talk up there in heaven? Had they made peace with one another?
It would probably sound crazy to anyone else, but one of the first thoughts Clara had had when her darling Gus passed away was of Jacob. She wondered if he was feeling sheepish in heaven. Had he apologised to Gus for the affair?
‘I’m so sorry you never got to see Max again,’ she whispered to Gus. ‘He’s such a fine man.’ She teared up and addressed Jacob. ‘You missed him entirely. I hope you were both with me this evening. Even if you were sitting in separate parts of heaven.’
Clara didn’t advocate the idea of keeping regret alive in her heart. But she still struggled to forgive herself for that night with Jacob. In spite of her speech this evening, at moments like this, when she was all alone with nothing but her conscience to keep her company, she still felt immense guilt for what she’d done.
She’d tried to reason that Jacob had died in tragic circumstances. But she knew in her heart of hearts that he had left this world feeling desperate and desolate because of her.
After Max’s birth, she’d written to Alina and Frank. It was the most difficult letter she’d ever written. In it, she’d apologised for any part she might have unwittingly played in Jacob’s demise. She said how sorry she was that he’d suffered after she’d left as a child. She thanked them for being so wonderful and explained that she’d never forgotten them.
Lastly, she’d explained about Max and asked if they would like to meet him
Ju-Ju and Hannah knew she was extending the invitation and said they’d welcome the couple with open arms.
They all waited with bated breath for the response. When six months passed with no reply, Clara sent another letter.
‘The first one hasn’t come back, so I’m assuming they received it,’ she said to Ju-Ju. ‘Surely if they’ve moved, the new occupiers would have the decency to return the letter …’
‘Yes, I would have thought you’d have it back by now if they weren’t there.’
The second letter was similar to the first, full of apologies and concern. She begged them to write back, but assured them she understood totally if they wanted nothing more to do with her.
Silence prevailed.
Clara took that as a sign that they weren’t destined to be in contact, and left it there. She’d noticed the anxious look on Gus’s face each morning as he checked the post.
‘I don’t think they’re going to write,’ she said one morning as he placed more bills on the kitchen counter. ‘I’ve done what I can, so I feel we should try and move on. Get on with the rest of our lives.’
Gus smiled and she knew she’d said the right thing.
Clara went through phases of being almost choked by guilt over the next couple of years. But when Hannah passed away, a new feeling engulfed her. She realised that the past needed to be left where it was and that the present and the future were the most important.
Two days before her death, Hannah had a window of lucidity where she asked Clara to fulfil a promise.
‘There are so many things we cannot control in this life,’ she said. ‘So often we are thrust into situations we don’t wish for. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with o
ur mistakes, but I would urge you to leave the past behind. Move on with your life. Gus is a good man. You made a mistake but you’ve apologised. He forgives you. Be happy. Accept his forgiveness before he changes his mind.’
Clara drew on her mother’s words often. But every now and again, the awful niggling at the back of her mind won over.
The fact that she’d never heard from Alina and Frank hurt dreadfully, and to this day she wondered what had become of them.
Chapter 30
It was six o’clock in the morning and Ava was wired. She knew she’d probably want to sleep later, but right at this moment she wanted to talk about Sean. The only person she could think of telling was Max. She knew she could have told him last time they’d met, but she didn’t feel quite ready to have a heart-to-heart with him after so many years of estrangement. Now seemed like the right time. She dialled his cell number.
‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Were you sleeping?’
‘I wish I was,’ he said. ‘Clearly you’re wide awake too.’
They arranged to meet for breakfast in twenty minutes.
At the hotel, she explained about her conversation with Sean and how he was winging his way over to see her.
‘That’s great,’ Max said, looking genuinely pleased for her. ‘It’s about time you guys had a proper talk. You have so much to share with him.’
‘Even if we never see one another again after this, it’s going to put my mind at ease. I’m so happy that I’ll be able to show him all the mementos I have of Angelina. I have a shoebox with some memories inside.’
‘Seeing as we’re having a let’s-bare-our-souls session …’ Max flicked his hair in agitation. ‘Can I tell you something?’
‘Go for it,’ she said, sitting up and crossing her legs.
‘There was another reason I stayed away for so long,’ Max said. ‘I had a letter from Alina and Frank.’
‘Jacob’s parents?’
‘Yes, my grandparents,’ Max pointed out.
‘Duh, of course. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.’
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