‘They’re like a couple of puppies in a basket,’ Mum once said to John.
He flicked us a look. ‘He should be studying.’
When Kass stayed over, he slept in my room and I bunked in with Iris, and one time, after we’d gone to bed, I crept back down the hallway. I thought he’d be awake and we could talk, but he was asleep. I stood just inside the door watching him and then he opened his eyes, as if he hadn’t been sleeping at all, just waiting for me to turn up and he never said a word as he opened the duvet like an envelope and I slipped in beside him. He said I could stay until my feet got warm, but John saw the door ajar and told me to leave his son alone.
Another time, me and Kass babysat Iris together. After we put her to bed, we watched two movies and drank four beers and then we fell asleep, cuddled together on the sofa. We woke to John staring down at us. He banned us from ever babysitting together again and sent Kass home in a cab. He said I was a bad influence.
I was a bad influence on Cerys too. Well, that’s what she told me as we trotted down the road – me in borrowed boots and a floral jumpsuit (Cerys had never worn it because it was too full-on) and her in Zara satin heels and a delicate white dress.
‘A lot of house parties have someone on the door,’ she said. ‘If we’re not on the guest list and we get turned away, there’s not much we can do.’
‘I’ll just throw a chair through the window,’ I said.
Cerys laughed. ‘Don’t you dare.’
I liked making her laugh.
She went on to tell me that I probably wouldn’t know anyone, but she’d look out for me. She said if Kass didn’t turn up, we’d only stay a while, because she had a long revision weekend planned and didn’t want to start it off knackered. She said I’d better get a cab home with her, so it could drop me off afterwards and we could keep up the pretence of me having been unwell.
She said, ‘I’ve got money on me, so we’ll save that for the taxi.’
‘Do you ever get exhausted being so organized?’ I asked.
She shook her head. ‘No detail should be too small to escape attention, Lex. That’s one of the first principles of getting good grades.’
She was quite the killjoy. But I didn’t want to hurt her by saying so out loud.
Of course, we got in. We were like a pair of show ponies in Cerys’s pretty clothes. We approached the house with our heels clicking and our manes swinging and the lads on the door just waved us through.
Inside smelled different from any place I’d ever been – a mixture of sweat and smoke and something sweet like burned sugar. I thought it might be pheromones, but Cerys told me that was ridiculous. It was louder than any place I’d ever been as well – a throbbing bass from a sound system that vibrated through the soles of my boots and made my legs buzz.
There was a tension as we pushed our way through the jammed hallway – like all the people squashed together were hoping for someone or something and they looked us up and down as we squeezed past to see if we were it. I wondered what they saw in me. If any of them hoped for anything from me. They were mostly looking at Cerys.
‘Stick together,’ she yelled as she steered me into a room at the back of the house. It was heaving with people – a lot were dancing, but most leaned on walls or sat in groups at the edge. I stood there breathing in the perfume of other lives, the warmth of many bodies as the music pounded through my chest and into my blood.
‘Not here,’ Cerys mouthed and steered me back out.
We checked the stairs, the landing and all the bedrooms. Cerys saw some girls she knew and went over to ask if they’d seen Kass. I stood by the door while she pointed at me, and they all turned to look. I wondered what they saw. A kid in a flowery jumpsuit, or Cerys’s intriguing new friend?
‘No one’s seen him,’ Cerys said, coming back to me. ‘Are you absolutely sure he said he’d be here?’
We went downstairs and walked the length of the garden. I had a low, sad feeling in my belly, as if I might never see Kass again. Maybe I’d imagined our conversation? Maybe he wasn’t coming home for the weekend at all? I took my phone out to check for messages, but there was only a missed call from Mum.
‘Nothing?’ Cerys said.
She looked so doubtful that it made me believe again. Someone had to. ‘He’ll turn up,’ I said. ‘Let’s get a drink.’
‘Some kids chipped in to run a bar, so drinks aren’t free.’
‘But you’ve got money. If you lend me ten pounds, I’ll buy you a drink and pay you back.’
Cerys sighed. I was annoying her now. She’d rather be at home with her books. I felt for her, but one of us needed to stay focused.
Behind a trestle table in the kitchen, a girl with shaved hair and several piercings was serving cocktails from jugs. There was a gin and cranberry, a margarita and some mango concoction. They were only two pounds each, but Cerys refused to let me buy one. She said the money was technically still hers, even though I’d borrowed it, and she was supposed to be looking after me. She agreed I could buy two small beers because they were only three per cent alcohol by volume and she didn’t want me going home drunk when I was supposed to be ill at Jamila’s house. I kept forgetting that’s where I was supposed to be.
We moved out of the kitchen and back to the dance room. We stood against a wall. There was a crowd in the corner, all holding balloons like they were at a kid’s party. Purple, green and blue balloons being sucked like dummies by teenagers. They nipped the balloons shut while they laughed. They yelled at each other not to waste it. They were mesmerizing.
‘Nitrous oxide,’ Cerys whispered. ‘Very bad for you.’
I thought Cerys would be more out there than she was, that she’d know people or want to get drunk, but I was beginning to understand what Kass meant about her being anxious. It was probably hard work being popular, pretty and clever all at once. She seemed uneasy and restless, as if something was ratcheting up inside her. Her vape had run out of juice and she was biting her nails.
I had a strange idea that if we stopped looking for Kass, he’d come. That if we danced, we’d summon him. I took several quick gulps of beer, then grabbed Cerys and pulled her reluctantly to the dance floor. She shook her head, but I didn’t let go of her hand until she started to move. Someone had to show her how to loosen up.
I closed my eyes and let the music fill me – let it thump inside my boots and up my legs. I imagined the sound as blocks of flashing colour. I thought of Kass’s beautiful smile and the way his hair fell over one eye, so he looked like a pirate. I thought of all the years I’d known him – all the seasons and weather and moods of him.
Come to me, I thought. Come to me, Kass.
I let the power of the music bring him. All of us dancers dancing. We were one throbbing beat. We pulsated together.
The music ended, and I opened my eyes. Cerys had gone. Cerys had stopped dancing.
Because she’d found Kass.
I watched them from a distance. They were talking together in the hallway. I couldn’t see his face, only the back of his head as he bent it to hers and she spoke directly into his ear. I wondered what she was saying. Can you keep your mad sister away from my house? Do you still love me? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back this weekend?
As I approached, Kass pulled away and saw me. Cerys had clearly told him I was with her, because he didn’t look shocked to see me, but he did do a great double take when he saw what I was wearing. He looked me up and down like boys had looked at Cerys earlier. It was thrilling. I bet he imagined I’d be in school uniform or jeans like always. He had no idea I brushed up so nicely. I had make-up on. I was wearing fancy clothes. My hair was loose and flowing. I had a new smooth rhythm.
He shook his head at me – half disapproving, half amused. ‘What the fuck are you doing here, Lex?’
I fell into him and breathed in the wonderful Kass-ness of him. ‘Having fun.’
He held me at arm’s length and looked at me in that deep seriou
s way he sometimes had. ‘Does my dad know you’re here?’
Cerys laughed. ‘I’m her alibi. Don’t worry – it’ll be fine.’
Kass ignored her. ‘Has there been another row? I thought you were grounded.’
I didn’t want him to be like this. I wanted him to be pleased to see me, to tell me I looked beautiful. To ask me to dance. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
He reached up and touched my cheek. A shiver ran through me. ‘I’d say it probably does.’
I shook him off. ‘I need a drink.’
‘No, Lex. You need to go home.’
But he wasn’t the king of me. I didn’t need his permission. ‘Oh, please,’ I said. ‘You sound like your dad.’
I marched back to the trestle table and asked for a gin and cranberry cocktail. My voice sounded different, which pissed me off. The shaven-haired girl smiled as she passed me the drink and I handed over more of Cerys’s money.
‘Enjoy,’ she said.
I liked her. She didn’t judge me at all.
I moved from the kitchen and back to the dance room. I deliberately avoided looking at Kass, still talking to Cerys in her pretty white dress. Her legs were thin and brown and bony like a boy’s. The dress shone like a light onto her face. She looked lovely with her hair caught up in a band and a silver chain around the thin curve of her neck. I imagined Kass’s lips on that throat – caressing and smoothing that impossibly soft skin.
I wondered if they’d ever had sex. They must’ve done. They both looked amazing. How could they keep their hands off each other?
I drank my cocktail. It was so sweet and delicious I bought another one – the mango kind.
I watched the dancing while I drank it.
I walked slowly round the room.
I sat on a chair, but that looked strange because no one else was sitting down – and why was the chair even there?
I walked the length of the garden and back, pretending I was looking for someone. I spied on Cerys and Kass through the window. They were still talking, more animatedly now. Cerys was flinging her pretty hands about and Kass looked as if he was listening hard. I hoped they were talking about me. Even bad stuff. I wanted to be on his radar.
I bought another cocktail. The third kind.
Then I was ready to dance again …
11
I imagined myself slim and lithe. I let the music surge through me. I didn’t care how much room I took up. My hands rippled like underwater creatures as I moved. I was Lex – fifteen and beautiful – and that boy, leaning against the wall was smiling at me. I didn’t bother wondering what he might be thinking. I didn’t let the fleeting thought that I looked like an idiot occupy the smallest space in my brain. I just fixed onto his smile and danced.
When the song ended, I sashayed over. ‘Buy me a balloon?’
He nodded. ‘Sure.’
I was dizzy from cocktails and thought maybe I hadn’t heard him right. ‘Serious? You will?’
‘You have a colour preference?’
I followed him to the corner of the room. ‘Purple,’ I told him.
While he paid, I looked about for Kass, but he’d gone. No Cerys either. They’d probably gone to a bedroom to have sex. I shook the thought away because jealousy wasn’t helpful when trying to get someone to like you. Hadn’t Cerys told me that?
I followed the boy into the kitchen, past the table where the girl was still serving drinks, and we sat on some steps by the back door.
We were shielded from the party, in the dark. The kitchen behind us smelled of over-ripe fruit. I wondered whose house this was.
‘So,’ the boy said, holding out the purple balloon and smiling at me, ‘here you go.’
I took it from him, keeping it pinched shut. ‘Will it make me feel awesome?’
His smile faded. ‘Haven’t you done it before?’
‘First time for everything, right?’
He looked me full in the face as if trying to work out what sort of person I might be. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Lex.’
‘What’s that short for?’
‘Lexi. Or Alexia. Well, Alexandra really …’
‘That’s a lot of names.’ He edged closer. ‘You get a quick buzz, that’s all. It makes you light-headed and you get to talk like Darth Vader. You’ll laugh your head off.’
He lost something as he inhaled his own balloon – some reserved thing. He looked like a kid suddenly thrilled with life. He leaned across the doorway and kissed me. And I let him. He put his hot tongue right inside my mouth and I let him do that too.
He pulled away from me and sucked at his balloon again. I watched the buzz hit his bloodstream, his eyes tip back in his head. He kissed me again – harder and for longer, his tongue searching inside my mouth. I thought of all the chemicals swimming in his brain, like a crack in reality opening in his skull. When it was over, he sat with the balloon limp in his hand and laughed. I laughed right along with him. Maybe the kissing had got me high? I wondered if we’d kiss some more after I’d had my own balloon and had just brought it to my mouth to inhale when the table behind us clattered to the floor.
Drinks spilled, and jugs shattered and the girl behind the counter screamed, ‘What the hell?’ and lights went on and people scattered and suddenly there was Kass looming above me. Where did he come from? He grabbed the balloon from me and let it go, he dragged the boy from the floor by his T-shirt and hauled him upright.
‘Leave her the fuck alone,’ he said.
The night had turned supersonic.
Kass wanted to take the boy outside. The boy wanted to stay inside. The boy kept saying, ‘Calm down, mate. Just calm down.’
There was no blood or pounding fists. It was just Kass shaking the boy and the boy saying, ‘Just chill, man.’ And the girl with the piercings looking at the mess on the floor and saying, ‘My parents are going to kill me.’
So, it was her house. She looked a lot less cool than she had earlier. She looked younger as well – about sixteen, instead of the mature person I’d thought she was.
‘Sorry,’ Kass said to her. ‘I’d help you clean up, but she’s my sister and I’ve got to take her home.’
‘I’m not his sister,’ I told her. ‘I’ve never seen him before in my life.’
‘Ignore her,’ Kass said.
I scowled at him. ‘Stop ordering me about.’
He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me down the hallway and through the front door. The street was empty, and the party felt suddenly far away.
‘You were taking drugs,’ he said.
‘I was not. You didn’t give me the chance!’
He kept pulling me along past other houses and towards the park. ‘Do you know people have died using that nitrous oxide shit?’
‘I wasn’t using it.’
‘And what was going on with that lad? Do you know him?’
I pushed him off me. ‘Yeah, he’s my dealer. Oh no, actually, he’s my pimp.’
‘Funny. Well, whoever he was, I suggest you steer clear. He’s a total prick.’
‘You’d know.’
We stood there glaring at each other. Blood rushed to my head. My ears pounded. My hands were freezing.
Kass bundled me across the road towards the park. The gate was shut, but there was a bench outside.
‘Sit,’ he said.
I crossed my arms. ‘I don’t want to.’
I hated that I was shivering, hated that my eyes stung with tears, that every bit of me was trembling with cold.
‘Now tell me what you were really doing there,’ he said.
‘It was a party.’
‘I know that. But what were you doing at it?’
He said ‘you’ the way John sometimes said it, as if he was sickened and infuriated by me all at once.
‘Me and Cerys fancied a night out.’
‘I don’t recall you being friends with Cerys.’
‘Well, you don’t know everything about me then, do you?’
‘You need to leave her alone.’
‘I’m sure she can look after herself.’
He looked away, biting his lip. ‘I should take you home and let my dad deal with you.’
‘Seriously? Listen to yourself.’
‘You can’t keep fighting him all the time, Lex. Can’t you just do what he says for once?’
‘I’m always doing what he says, and I get it wrong anyway. I’m staying away from him as much as possible – it’s my new strategy.’
‘Yeah? How’s that working out for you?’ He ran a hand through his hair, looked back at the house.
‘Worried about your girlfriend?’
‘Shut up, Lex.’
He was slipping through my fingers. I’d felt it for months.
‘I miss you,’ I said. ‘You’ve been gone for ages.’
‘I’m at university, Lex. I’m supposed to be gone.’
‘You hardly ever call. It’s always me that contacts you. Why are you avoiding me?’
‘I’m here now, aren’t I?’
He sat on the bench. I crashed next to him and we stayed silent for a bit, our breath like smoke in the cold air.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said eventually.
‘What’s going on?’
‘It’s complicated.’ He looked at his feet for a while. ‘I know it sounds really obvious, but being away – it’s a relief, you know?’
‘A relief?’
‘To be free of family stuff.’
My heart felt like it was trying to punch through my ribcage. ‘You can’t just be free of us. You mean, all of us? You want to be free of me too?’
He shook his head. ‘Don’t be like that. I’m only here this weekend because of you.’
‘So, I need to throw chairs around to get you to come home?’
Kass tensed. ‘I can’t be doing with this.’
‘With what? Me? Your dad?’
‘Any of it. This family’s doing my head in.’ He turned on the bench. ‘You should know my dad’s been saying stuff about you.’
‘What stuff?’
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