He laughed, ‘Well, you’re pretty amazing, for sure – getting all the way here with no phone or money.’
‘I had money. It just wasn’t mine.’
He opened his arms. ‘Come here.’
I didn’t hesitate. I went to him and we stood together by the window in our coats with the smell of outdoors upon us.
This is me, Kass. This is me, here in your arms.
I pressed myself gently into him and I loved the way his breathing changed. It got deeper and slower and I liked the way he held me tighter the longer we stood there. It was as if we were equalizing pressure between us. Like when people come out of a deep-sea dive and up into air.
‘Look at me,’ he whispered eventually.
I tipped my face up and he looked as if he was really seeing me, as if he knew something about me that even I didn’t know. I was so happy to be there with him looking at me like that.
‘Thanks for coming to see me,’ he said.
As he bent towards me, I felt a rush of warmth. As he came closer, I felt his breath on my skin. He kissed me once, very gently on my mouth, then leaned back and smiled.
‘That was nice,’ I said.
‘Yeah.’
‘Shall we do it again?’
‘Not a good idea, Lex.’
‘We’re not blood-related, remember?’
He shook his head slowly, as if that was a terrible lie.
Girls are supposed to wait to be taken, however much they want to give themselves. But this was Kass and I was in his room and I’d been waiting for this night my whole life. I wasn’t going to let it end before it had even begun. I stood on tiptoes and with my hand behind his head guided his lips back to mine.
Our kisses were soft, barely kisses at all – like we could take them away if we wanted, tell ourselves they meant nothing, stop at any moment. But as we kept kissing, our lips pressed harder and our mouths opened wider and our tongues joined in and it was like we’d been starving for years.
‘Fuck,’ Kass said. Just that word in my ear as he spun me round to the window, pushed me there and leaned hard against me. We kissed some more, and it was like we couldn’t get close enough.
This is it, I thought. This is what love feels like. At fucking last.
But eventually, he pulled away. ‘This can’t happen,’ he whispered.
I pulled him closer. I’d die if we stopped. I wanted this more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. I’d dreamed of it for years.
He eased himself gently away. ‘No, Lex.’
‘I’m sixteen in about ten minutes.’
‘That’s not the point.’ He ran a hand through his hair. He seemed suddenly furious.
‘Why are you angry?’
‘You keep throwing yourself at me.’
Mum’s words. But from him, they felt like a slap. ‘You kiss me back. Every time you kiss me back.’
He looked at me with cold eyes. ‘I’m a bloke, Lex. That’s what we do. You throw yourselves at us and we respond.’
‘That’s so unfair.’
‘Life’s unfair. Listen, I can’t be doing with this. I’ve got lectures tomorrow and I need to get to sleep.’
‘Are you kidding me?’
‘Not kidding, no. The bathroom’s through there if you want to wash your face or go to the loo.’
He pointed to a door by the wardrobe that I hadn’t even noticed. I didn’t know what to do, how to be, what to say, so I did as he told me and went into the bathroom. I went to the loo and washed my hands. I splashed water on my face. When I wiped myself on his towel, it smeared with mascara and I was fiercely glad. I wanted to stain his stuff.
When I went back into the bedroom, he was fiddling with his phone. He looked up and smiled as if nothing was wrong. ‘Did you brush your teeth?’
I didn’t bother answering. I got into bed fully clothed and slid over to the wall. I had no idea if he’d get in beside me. Maybe he’d go and sleep somewhere else completely?
‘Are you sulking?’ he said.
When I didn’t say anything, he chuckled. ‘Back in a minute.’
I listened to him pee. I listened to the rush of water from the flush. I heard the tap at the sink and the soft sound of him brushing his teeth, then the swish and spit of mouthwash. If I closed my eyes I could see him do these things as if I was peeking through a spyhole.
When he came out, he turned off the lamp and stood by the bed. ‘Are you fully dressed under there?’
‘Uh huh.’
‘You can’t sleep in your clothes, that’s ridiculous.’
‘You want me to take them off?’
‘I’m just saying you’ll be uncomfortable.’
I flung the cover from me and sat up. I lifted my dress from the hem and pulled it over my head. I knew he was watching. I tossed it at him and lay back down. ‘Happy?’
‘Come on, Lex, don’t sulk.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are and it’s boring.’
He undid the zip on his jeans and pulled them down right there in front of me, didn’t try and hide at all. He took off his socks and T-shirt, then lifted the duvet and slipped in beside me wearing only his boxers. He lay on his back, one arm slung above his head – breathing next to me, millimetres away. If I moved the little finger of my left hand I could touch the skin of his right thigh.
‘Want to talk?’ he said.
‘No thank you.’
‘How about we talk about a nice safe subject?’ He gently pushed my leg with his. ‘You want me to ask you maths questions?’
I didn’t even bother smiling at his joke.
‘Suit yourself.’ He made a great show of turning over away from me. He pulled up the duvet, moved his leg from mine. ‘By the way – the first cheap train is at half nine, but guests need to be out of the building by eight, so you’ll have to go to a café or something until the train leaves.’
‘You’re coming with me, remember? We’ve got a plan.’
‘You’ve got a plan, Lex. Don’t drag me into it.’
‘You agreed.’
‘I don’t think so.’
What exactly was happening here? I had no clue any more. Why did he tell me to take off my dress? Why was he lying next to me in only his boxers? Why wasn’t he sleeping on one of the sofas in the communal lounge? Was he coming back to London with me in the morning, or not?
Hardly any time passed before he said, ‘I can feel the heat of you from here. It’s like you’re pulsating.’
He said, ‘It’s nice sharing a bed with you.’
He rolled onto his back again, flung an arm above his head again and said, ‘I prefer us being friendly, don’t you?’
I scrambled up to sitting. ‘You keep doing this.’
‘Doing what?’
‘Muddling everything.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘It’s like you give out signals and then deny it.’
He sighed. ‘Here we go.’
‘When I asked you for a train ticket to Manchester for my birthday, you said, “Sure.” But when I turn up, you act all surprised. When I told you the plan to get our mums together you said it was awesome, but now you’re like, that’s a crap idea. You’re flirty in the bar and you kiss me at the window and then, when I kiss you back, you stop me. Then you’re like, hey, let’s talk. And when I won’t, you’re all, actually you have to leave in the morning ’cause you’re a pain in the arse.’
He laughed. ‘I never said you were a pain in the arse.’
‘You were thinking it though.’
‘So, you’re a mind-reader?’
‘This isn’t funny, Kass. This is my life and you’re taking the piss.’
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘You were a lot more fun earlier.’
‘There you go again. It’s like you give me stuff and say, “Here, hold this,” and then pretend you never gave it to me.’
‘I haven’t got a clue what you’re on about.’
‘So, you don’t
know you’re doing it?’
‘Maybe it’s time to go to sleep, Lex?’
But he wasn’t going to get rid of me that easily. ‘Remember that time you spread jam on my tummy, so butterflies would land on me, and when none came you licked the jam off?’
‘That was a million years ago!’
‘No, Kass – I was ten and you were twelve. Remember that time you shoved a boy over on the beach because he wanted to be my friend?’
‘He was a twat.’
‘What about all the mornings you came into the bathroom when I was brushing my teeth and you told me not to look while you peed?’
‘Yes,’ he said quietly, ‘I remember that.’
I gave him a list. Years and years of things. I was amazed how many I had. All the times we collapsed laughing together onto sofas, and scrambled up trees and hid under beds, and the hours we spent in the small dark place at the back of the laundry cupboard. The notes he left me after each weekend visit. The Valentine’s chocolate he slid shyly onto my lap. The time I got tonsillitis and he lay in bed beside me and I had no idea that threaded fingers could be so intimate. The time we practised love bites on each other’s arms. The time I cut my finger and he put it in his mouth and sucked the blood away. The time, only weeks ago, he nearly punched a boy at a party because I kissed him.
‘You like me,’ I told him as he lay looking up at me, his eyes bright in the dark. ‘You’ve liked me for years.’
‘I’ve never denied I like you.’
‘In that way, I mean.’ I flung the duvet right off. ‘You want me to prove it?’
He gave me a slow smile. ‘How are you going to do that?’
There was only one way and it came to me gleaming and insistent, like something I’d known all my life. I scrambled out of bed and stood on his rough little carpet in my underwear, and I looped a finger through one bra strap and eased it from my shoulder. I watched his face. He watched my hands. I gently pulled the other strap down.
‘Stop me anytime,’ I said.
In the dark, his eyes glittered.
I unclasped my bra at the back. No one had seen this new body of mine. My breasts started growing at eleven, my pubic hair at twelve. I got my first period when I was nearly thirteen. Since then, my breasts had grown, my hips had curved, my thighs had widened.
As I let my bra fall, I felt like a bride taking off her veil. See me. This is me.
I tried not to cover myself with my hands, not to shrink into less than I was. I am strong. I am beautiful.
I stood there breathing and he lay there looking. ‘Fucking hell, Lex,’ he said.
Courage, I thought. Courage to do this. He’s always loved you. He loves all your deep and secret places.
‘As I said, Kass, stop me anytime.’
I hooked a thumb down either side of my knickers. My heart was beating so loud, I was sure he could hear it and that felt most intimate of all.
Kass once said to me, ‘Why is it harder to breathe near you?’
And once, John said, ‘Whenever you say her name, Kass, you have a different voice.’ Like he knew.
Now, as I inched my knickers down, I imagined myself as a beautiful witch who’d flown through Kass’s window and landed on his carpet – and he was a virgin boy in his bed, marvelling at all I was showing him.
His eyes shone with tears and it was because I was beautiful. Even though I was a clumsy girl holding onto a desk to step out of her knickers – I was also a witch with thunder in her eyes. He’d always loved my wild side.
I stood naked in front of him and his eyes lapped me up, his gaze travelling from my breasts, down my belly to my hips and back again.
‘You love me,’ I said.
I took a step towards him and he shuddered as if we’d touched. Taking that step, I could smell my own naked self. I wondered if he could too.
‘You love me,’ I said again. ‘And you always have.’ I walked a step closer.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Proving it.’
He shook his head. ‘Not like this.’
‘There’s no other way. You keep denying it.’
He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘Put your clothes on, please.’
‘I don’t want to.’ I was trembling. I hated that he was a crying boy and was about to say he never meant any of it, that I’d misunderstood, got the wrong end of the stick, made a fool of myself. ‘You don’t want me yourself, but you don’t want anyone else to have me, is that it?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘What is it, then? You say stuff and do stuff and then pretend you haven’t. Why would you do that?’
He picked up my dress from the floor and threw it at me. ‘Get dressed.’
‘No.’ I threw it back at him. I wobbled like a jelly every time I spoke or moved, but I wasn’t going to do what he said. If I cowered, if I covered myself or hid, that would be the end of me. I was a warrior bride, with my head in the sky, my hair whipping a storm. I was fighting for truth.
‘Look at me, Kass – stop looking away. You’ve flirted with me your entire life.’
‘Bullshit.’
‘You said you loved me. Didn’t you say that? You said it on your bed that time we kissed.’
‘I didn’t mean it that way.’
‘You just watched me take my clothes off and never said a word.’
‘I thought you’d stop. I thought you had more self-respect.’
‘So, it’s all in my head?’ I felt pure rage. ‘Oh my God – you’re just like him. You’re just like your fucking dad.’
‘Shut up, Lex.’
But I was on to him. I could see it now. ‘It’s the same hot and cold thing. It’s the same powerful magician crap – making us all feel like the mad ones.’
‘Pathetic,’ he said. He rolled over and covered his eyes as if that would make a difference.
‘You’re worse than him though,’ I said, ‘because you’re trying to be the perfect son at the same time. All these years you’ve encouraged me to do stuff you didn’t dare do yourself. You obey all his fucking rules and I’m the one who gets in trouble. You secretly lead me on. You flirt with me and kiss me and then throw your hands up in horror. You won’t be liable for any of it if your dad finds out, will you? I can’t believe I fucking fell for it.’
‘Lex,’ he said. ‘Go away.’
‘Where would you like me to go?’
He dragged his hand from his eyes. ‘At least put some clothes on. At least show some dignity.’
‘Get out,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘Go and sleep in the lounge. You should’ve been there from the start. Go on – fuck off.’
He blinked at me I surprise. Was he going to say it was his room and I should go? No, he could barely keep eye contact.
He gathered up his things and I stood there nakedly watching him. I closed all my windows, I shut all my doors, I put up my barricades. I told him I’d get up and leave as soon as it got light. I told him not to contact me. ‘When you come down for the wedding, bring a girl, but not Cerys, OK – because she deserves better than you. And don’t talk to either of us – not once.’
‘I thought there wasn’t going to be a wedding?’ he said. ‘I thought you had a plan.’
‘Fuck off, Kass.’
My hands were shaking. I noticed this like I’d notice an actress in a movie. I felt far away from myself.
He left me the duvet. He turned at the door and said, ‘I never meant to hurt you, Lex.’
‘Is that an apology?’
He shrugged. He still couldn’t look at me, as if my nudity burned his eyes.
‘You know what you should do?’ I said. ‘You should do the exact opposite of what your dad says for the rest of your fucking life.’
He nodded. He walked away. I looked at the closed door for far too long.
32
‘Are you sick?’ Mum said when I told her I didn’t want lunch. She felt my forehead. ‘You’r
e not hot.’
John looked at me with his dark and terrible eyes. ‘Sick of causing trouble, no doubt.’
‘You think it’s the meds?’ Mum said. ‘You think she’s having side effects?’
‘Read the packaging if you’re worried,’ he said. ‘But I think it’s more likely she’s being a drama queen.’
I’d been back from Manchester for a week and he was still livid. My behaviour was unforgiveable. On top of everything else, I was a liar and a thief. How dare I bother Kass when he had exams? How dare I steal money and run off without a word? I’d apologized over and over, but he’d still taken me to see Doctor Leaman.
Five milligrams of methylphenidate hydrochloride twice daily made me feel far away from everything, like not much mattered any more – not even a broken heart.
‘Best get back to studying if you don’t want lunch,’ John said.
‘Maybe she could do with a break?’ Mum said.
‘She’s on study leave. It’s called that for a reason.’
I was drawing closer to the ground with each passing day. Soon I would be prone and never move again.
Mum opened the sash window a few centimetres and cold air and traffic noise invaded. ‘Come over here, Lex. Have a bit of fresh air.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ John said. ‘It’s more carbon monoxide than oxygen. If she’s unwell, she should go to bed. If she’s not, she should go and do some work. Either way, she needs to pull herself together and stop mooning about the place. We’ve got a wedding in two weeks. This is supposed to be a happy time.’
Mum stood staring at me. ‘You do look awful.’
It was sadness. Even through the haze of medication, I couldn’t help thinking of Kass and all that I’d lost. It was also shame. I’d taken all my clothes off and stood naked in front of him and he’d told me to get dressed. Later, he’d sent me an email apologizing for letting things go so far. He’d realized that each time we ‘got close’ he’d been drinking, and would I ever forgive him and had I told anyone? And then he sent other, shorter emails, letting me know he couldn’t stop thinking about being like his dad. Was he? Was he really? He was going to talk to his mum about it because it was messing with his head.
And none of his emails said, I love you, come back to me, I can’t breathe without you.
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