Exodus

by Stewart , Kate

  “Your mother did an outstanding job of raising you. You’re well-mannered for the most part. You have respect for authority. You’re a highly intelligent and beautiful young woman. You will go far. I have no doubt you have a bright future ahead of you.”

  Eyes glistening, I do my best to control the shake in my voice. “No thanks to you.”

  “She made her choices, and I made mine.”

  “Choices. You mean abandoning your daughter? If that was a choice, you sure made it seem like an easy one.”

  Silence. The most infuriating silence I’ve ever endured.

  “She deserved your mercy. She’s suffered horribly.”

  His eyes gloss over briefly before he straightens his posture. “Say whatever it is you want to say. I’ll allow it, Cecelia. If it will make you feel better.”

  “Maybe it’s you who wants to feel better, but I refuse to let you off easy any longer.”

  “Good. I hope you hold the men in your life to a higher standard.”

  “Any man would be better than the coward you are.”

  This time his flinch is visible, and I’m pissed I find no satisfaction in it. “Anything else?”

  “You should know I only did this for her. To care for her long-term because she’s the deserving parent.”

  “I see,” he squeezes his fists briefly at his sides, and I go all in.

  “Last year, when you came home, that day—”

  “I had no right to impose—”

  “Demand the right,” I rasp, “Fight for me. For once in my goddamned life, fight for me. Fight for your place with me.”

  “Cecelia, I made choices, hard choices, and I’ve only had your best interests in mind when I made them.”

  “What does that even mean? It’s not supposed to be a choice. Daddies are supposed to love their little girls. They’re supposed to be their world, their life, and I seem to be worth more on paper to you than I am standing right in front of you. Help me understand.”

  “This money wasn’t meant to be an insult—”

  “Why? Just tell me what I did? Was it her? Do you hate her so much you refused to get involved with me because I remind you of her? Tell me why you can’t be the father I deserve. Tell me why you can’t love me. Tell me why she so clearly still loves you!”

  He repeatedly swallows as I come unhinged.

  “This is it, Roman. This is it. I saw something that day you came to me. I’m giving you that moment back, right here, right now. This is it. Do you hear me? Fight for me,” I cough on a sob. “I want a father, not a fortune.”

  He stands completely motionless. His eyes cast down as all my foolish hopes leave me. Nothing. Not a word, not a single thing I asked for, just a portion of his fortune and his damning silence. Inside I hollow out as I declare war on my emotions while desperately trying to scrape together what’s left of my dignity.

  “Okay,” I swallow, wiping my eyes. “Okay. But you should know you ruined her.”

  His eyes glaze over again, and I can feel the shift in him despite his cool demeanor. “You broke her heart, and you should know you were the first man to break mine, too. But at least with her, it was a clean break.” I shake my head, “but you’ve been breaking mine for twenty long years. I sometimes think it was a curse to inherit her heart, but I’m thinking now it’s much better I didn’t get yours.”

  “I want nothing but—”

  I slap my hand on the table. “The best for me? Well, I guess I appreciate that,” I shake my head, disgusted. “Business concluded, Roman.” I thrust my hand in his direction. “Shake my hand.”

  “What?” He stares at my outstretched hand and visibly pales.

  “This was a business deal, was it not? I’m not seasoned yet, but I’m pretty sure that’s the way you conclude a business deal. A handshake to seal the deal. I accept your terms. I-I ac-cept your payoff, Mr. Horner. Consider it money well spent.”

  “This was not meant—”

  “Yes, it was. Shake my hand.”

  Shoulders sagging, he places his hand in mine, and it’s all I can do to keep my knees from buckling. My motives with this act purely selfish, because it’s the first and last time I’ll ever hold my father’s hand. “Now look me in the eyes,” I rasp out, “and say goodbye.”

  When he lifts his eyes to mine, I feel no satisfaction. “Say goodbye, Roman.”

  “Cecelia, this is ridiculous.”

  I rip my hand away.

  “You deserve every damn bit of karma that comes your way. And there’s a beauty to karma; you never know when it will come back to bite you in the ass.”

  “I’ll take that into consideration,” he clears his throat, his voice hoarse when he speaks. “Have you said your piece?”

  Tears I can no longer hold glide down my cheeks, and I nod. “Yes, Sir. That will be all. Do you feel better?”

  “I understand you’re upset but—”

  “Goodbye, Roman.”

  It’s me who walks toward the door this time with a folder full of payoff in hand. His voice is barely a whisper when he speaks up behind me. “Please keep me updated on your progress at school.” I glance back and see remorse shining in his eyes a second before he rips them away.

  “Go to hell.”

  Though I have another night paid for at the hotel, I drive home, because I feel safer there. If I’m honest with myself, I feel safer on Tobias’s watch, and safer in my short time with him than I felt with my own father in that boardroom.

  On the drive home, I thought of a thousand better ways, better things I could have said differently, but I made my point, and my point didn’t matter. Not at all.

  After leaving him in that room, I didn’t shed a single tear, not one in the elevator, nor when I retrieved my bag from my room or on the drive home. But the burn starts to become unbearable as I pull up to the house and once again recognize it for what it is—a lifeless structure, an imitation of a life that doesn’t exist.

  A home that will never house a family.

  I leave my bag in the car, sluggishly taking the steps up to the door before I hear the faint purr of an engine. I turn back to see Tobias’s Jag speeding down the driveway. Emotions warring, fists clenched, I turn just as he rounds the drive and skids to a stop.

  He exits the car, dressed to rule, and takes purposeful strides toward me, stopping at the foot of the stairs. I cross my arms as he sweeps me from heel to head, his eyes filled with something akin to worry. But I’m too far into my head to try and decipher what it could mean.

  “I can’t do this with you. Not today, Tobias. Not today. Just give me today.”

  He bites the edge of his lip, not budging.

  “Why are you here?” I demand, my voice betraying me with a rattle as I take a step toward the stairs. “The papers have been signed. Our business is concluded, Tobias. You won. The kingdom’s yours for the taking. Go get it. I won’t stop you.” I school my features, feeling the tiny fractures start in my chest.

  No. No. No. Please heart, don’t do this to me.

  He swallows, shoving his hands in his slacks, his eyes dropping.

  “Leave! Damn you, if you have one decent bone in your body, leave right now. Whatever you need, it can wait.”

  His eyes slowly lift to mine as I press my hands to my stomach, willing myself to keep it together just a little longer.

  “You got what you wanted! It’s all over. I’m leaving soon. No more trust necessary. So, go! The board is all yours.”

  He remains silent, continuing to watch me slowly start to unravel.

  “Did you come to gloat? Well you shouldn’t, I’m a very wealthy woman now, don’t you know?”

  “Cecelia—”

  “You win! You win!” I spread my arms and thrust them high above me. “All yours. Do your worst.”

  His features twist as he takes a step up and then another.

  I take a retreating step toward the door. “Don’t. It’s all over. Check, in favor of the king. Just one more move and he�
�s done.”

  He slowly shakes his head.

  “Jesus, you’ve bankrupted me, I have nothing and no one, but I’ve got a hell of a lot of money. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone! Did you hear me? I want you to leave!”

  Silence.

  “Don’t pretend to care about me. It’s insulting!”

  He cups the back of his head and exhales, regret etched in his face, his posture. Guilt.

  My jaw goes slack when I realize where it’s coming from.

  “Oh my God, you heard it, didn’t you? You heard every word.” I huff and shake my head incredulously. “You couldn’t even give me a moment I deserved. Just one moment of privacy, just one.”

  I bark out a laugh, my eyes shimmering with humiliation. “Wow, you must think I’m so fucking pathetic. Is that why you’re here? To tell me how pathetic I am. Then do it. Do it!”

  I rip off my heels and fling them at his feet.

  “Did I disappoint you? Did you come to tell me this isn’t what grown-ups do? How they handle business? Well, don’t waste your time. You’ve made it perfectly clear I’m not a worthy adversary. Go! Go take him down. We’re done here.”

  A long silence passes as he doesn’t move, his eyes pleading, unflinching.

  “Say something! Say something, you bastard, say anything, but make sure at the end of it is goodbye. I don’t want you. We’re nothing. Nothing but business. Leave!”

  He stands there mute, guilty, his expression filled with pity, which only infuriates me.

  “You’re halfway there, you’ve ruined his daughter, time to aim for the head. Take him down. Please,” I beg, my resolve crumbling, “take him down.”

  He moves toward me, climbing the steps as I back away toward my door.

  “No, don’t you dare!” I turn to flee when he reaches me, pulling me into his arms just as the levee breaks. “I hate you,” I cry, my sobs muffled as I bury my face into his neck. He runs his hands through my hair, hurried words leaving his lips.

  “I’m so sorry, Cecelia. I’m so fucking sorry.” The soothing lilt in his voice only makes me cry harder, and I fist his jacket as he lifts me off my feet, leaving no space between us.

  “Just breathe. Okay? Breathe,” he whispers as I sob into his neck, my face stinging with tears, the burn unbearable.

  “He p-p-aid me off, Tobias. He paid me off.”

  He grips me tighter to him, as I weep freely in his hold. After several minutes suspended in his arms, he sits on the steps of the porch, situating me along his lap as I unload twenty years of rejection.

  It’s there on my father’s front porch, in his nemesis’s arms, that I find solace. Tobias murmurs into my ear, alternating the press of his lips between the top of my head and my temple while his warm hands glide up and down my back. Unbelieving that the man intent on breaking me is the one who’s mending me; with the stroke of his hands, the gentle kiss of his lips, I pull back and gaze over at him, utterly at a loss. With tender thumbs, he wipes the black smudges from my face. And we just…stare at the other.

  “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

  Silence.

  “Were you in Charlotte?”

  He slowly nods.

  “You followed me there?”

  Another nod before he presses his forehead to mine.

  “He doesn’t decide your worth. No one does. I know that doesn’t make it better, but he doesn’t deserve you.”

  I bite my lip as twin tears glide down my cheeks.

  “And we both know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, either.”

  “Tobias, we can’t—”

  “Shhh. Not now,” he soothes before pulling me tighter to him like he’s comforting…a little girl.

  I wonder if he still sees me that way, especially now, in this state, throwing a tantrum. I wonder if he could ever understand if I put a voice to my thoughts. If I admitted from what I’ve been taught from his pupils, his brothers, from what he’s taught me, in a twisted way, he’s become more a father figure than my own. My cries die down, and when he tips my chin, I become lost in the licks of tender flames.

  I sniff, smoothing down the lapel of his jacket. “I don’t know if you’re a very bad man who does good things or a good man who does very bad things.”

  His voice is raw when he speaks. “What do you think?”

  “I think I’m crazy for attempting to try and figure it out.”

  He exhales, running his knuckle along the trails on my cheeks.

  “With you, Cecelia, I realized anger can make you just as reckless as any other emotion. And yet here I am, doing very bad things to a very good thing,” he whispers, just before he claims my salty lips.

  I wake on the couch from a deep and dreamless sleep where Tobias had carried me after my breakdown. There he held me against his chest as we sat there wordlessly. I can’t remember closing my eyes and drifting away, but coming to, I find myself covered with a blanket, my head resting on one of the throws. Slightly disoriented while I rouse, I hear faint, melodic French music drifting from the kitchen. When I reach the threshold, I see Tobias uncorking a bottle of wine. Without looking my way, he pours two large helpings into stemless glasses before he turns and extends one to me.

  “Just in time for the show.”

  Curious, I take the offered glass along with the hand he extends and follow him to the back door. Silently, I trail him with our hands attached while the insect noise increases, sounding on all sides of us. The air rapidly cools as we walk, the sun slowly dipping behind the mountains beyond taking the bulk of the heat with it. The grass feels cool and dewy against my bare feet as he leads me up the small hill and into the clearing.

  “Une table pour deux,” Table for two. He lays his suit jacket on the ground and gestures for me to take a seat. I’m still in my tweed slacks and wrinkled blouse, my heels long forgotten. He’s still dressed in suit pants and the button-down I stained with my tears. He sets his wine down and removes his shoes and socks, planting his feet in the grass to ground himself.

  We sit for long seconds just sipping and taking in the view.

  It’s when the violet sky starts to blacken, illuminating the full moon that the lightning bugs begin to play a soundless melody around us. With the next sip, my shoulders roll back, and I start to sink into the earth below. Completely at ease, I lean into his side, trying my best not to read into the words he spoke earlier, the softness in his eyes, the tenderness in his kiss. But I’m too drained emotionally to keep my guard up. And far too numb from the day’s events to let myself overanalyze, to protect myself further from the damage he could—in my weakened state—so easily cause. And I can’t bring myself to give a damn. He was there for me at a time I felt utterly alone in the world, and for that, all I can feel is grateful.

  For endless minutes we just follow the lights from the ground to the expansive tree line above. The night sky becomes littered with twinkling stars as we’re transported into a different world. I’ve never in my life seen anything so breathtaking. That is until I turn to the man sitting next to me, watching me carefully.

  “I like your view much better,” he whispers.

  “What do you mean? You have the same view.”

  “No, I don’t. But I’m starting to see it again.” He tenses and lets out a long breath. “At this point in your life, you’re experiencing many things for the first time. And in a way…I’m jealous.”

  I lift a brow. “That’s an awful lot of honesty. How much wine have you had?”

  One side of his mouth lifts before all amusement disappears, and he tears his gaze from mine.

  “T-thank you for today.”

  “Don’t,” he says just as soon as the words pass my lips. He lifts his chin just as the light around us intensifies. “Look.” As if on cue, the fireflies seem to multiply by the hundreds, and it’s nothing short of whimsical. It’s as if we’re surrounded by unearthly light. Reading my thoughts, he speaks up, his voice slightly mystified.

  “Thi
s place. Right here. Is magical.”

  I scoff. “You’re too much of a realist, too practical to believe in magic.”

  “It’s practical magic,” he counters, “see because here, we can catch light,” he reaches out and snatches a lightning bug, which beams in his palm as he speaks. “No decisions to make, no burdens, no debts to pay, no deals to strike, not here, not now.”

  “That’s convenient.”

  “Ah,” he opens his palm, and the bug takes flight between us before floating away. “Now, there’s a magical word. Because if there’s something you want, here, all you have to do is dream it up, and then you just reach out and take it.”

  “Maybe it’s the wine and the view, but right now, that doesn’t sound so far-fetched.” I take another sip. “So, I take it this place is significant for you?”

  He nods. “This place made me. It holds every secret I have.”

  I glance over at him as he keeps his focus on the shimmering trees above. Briefly, I close my eyes, letting the rest of the stress of the day fall away. It’s the hurt that remains, that will probably always remain, but for the moment, it’s a bearable throb.

  His voice is coarse, saturated with the past when he speaks up next to me. “One of the scariest moments of my life was when I figured out that I knew absolutely nothing that someone hadn’t taught me. That’s when I was at my most humble, my most vulnerable. When I realized just how much I needed people.”

  “When was that?”

  “The night I lost my favorite teachers.” He swallows, as if he’s in pain, his words coming out chalky. “That night, when Delphine came to tell us that our parents weren’t coming back…I stood, walked out the front door, and kept walking. I don’t remember how I got here, but I knew I was searching for something, I needed something, and somehow I ended up in this clearing, staring at these trees, searching the sky for answers.”

  “So, this is where…”

  He turns to me, his thick hair disheveled, new stubble on his jaw. “For me, this is where it started for me.” He swallows. “It became a sort of church at first, a sanctuary. Wild, overgrown, and untouched. I was drawn to its purity. Over the years, it was like this place summoned me. At first, this is where I grieved because I didn’t want Dom to see. Eventually, I came to map out my future, clear my head. Night after night, when Dom went to sleep, I would run the nine miles to get here. Sometimes when Delphine passed out, I would take her car.”