by Fariah Zaidi
“Always, brother.”
With that, he left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
What just happened had become a routine. I would pass out in the art room, drunk out of my mind. And every time he would be there, to carry me to my bedroom and put me in bed. He’s seen me at my weakest and my strongest and has been my sole confidant for as long as I can remember. He was my brother.
The pounding in my head was excruciating and I couldn’t fall asleep immediately. So I began humming Hey Jude under my breath, my mother’s favorite song.
Slowly and steadily, the headache subdued, until my eyes closed on their own accord. My last thought before passing out was of my mother’s, cradling baby Zara in her arms and telling me to protect her.
Chapter 19: Period
Zara
After Stefan slammed shut the door behind me, I stood shell-shocked in the hallway for a whole minute, wondering what in the hell just happened.
I had been a little too late in realizing that I was basically trampling over his privacy. I should never have entered the room in the first place. But was Stefan really that angry because of that? And why was he covered in blood?
Trudging back to my room in silence, I vowed to apologize and talk to him about what happened back there the next time I seen him.
To my utter dismay, I got my period the next morning. I woke up with a sharp pain in my abdomen and ran into the bathroom.
Clad in the fuzziest sweater I had, with a pair of black sweats, I opened the door of my bedroom and made my way towards downstairs, in desperate need of some food. I hadn’t bothered to comb my hair, just tied it in a bun on top of my head.
As I entered the dining room, six pairs of eyes turned to look at me. They took in my attire from head to toe- from my messy bun down to the pink fluffy slippers I’d slipped my feet into.
I rolled my eyes and trudged to my seat, my attention drawn towards the steaming pile of pancakes that sat on the table. Serving myself three of them, I soaked it in syrup and began shoving them in my mouth. The others too returned to their breakfast, still glancing at me once in a while. But I ignored them all and focused on the delicious food.
As breakfast came to an end, Stefan got up from his seat and walked out the room, followed by closely by Rafael.
It was then that I remembered that I had to apologize to him for yesterday. So I finished off the last of my orange juice and got up from my seat, walking out to catch up with him. He stood by the staircase talking to Rafael, his expression stoic and serious. Ignoring the cramps rising in my stomach, I neared them, a hopeful smile on my face.
“Stefan, can I talk-”
To my utter shock, he blatantly ignored my approach. He turned around and made his way down the hall and towards the front door, tapping away on his phone.
I stood rooted to my stop, staring at his retreating back, unable to believe that he did that.
“Zara…” Rafael began in a sympathetic tone, but I waved him off, shooting him a small smile.
The sudden rejection by Stefan worsened my already hormonal state as tears welled up in my eyes. It didn’t help that the cramps were increasing by the second. Before Rafael could see me have a breakdown, I jogged my way up the stairs and made my way to my bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me.
Climbing into the bed, I made myself comfortable and put on the latest episode of a series I’d started watching on Netflix.
Later that evening, I was in for a rude shock.
Around seven o’clock, I was about to head down for dinner. The cramps had died down for a little while but my mood was still somber. I had gotten up to take a hot shower to relax my body and changed into some proper clothes.
As I descended the stairs, the sight before me left me stunned. I halted mid-step, unable to believe what I was seeing.
Stefan stood by the front door, making-out with a tall blonde girl. She was wrapped around him like vice, moaning away to glory. His hands were roaming up and down her body, over the skin-tight green dress that she was wearing.
Stefan raised his head through his tonsil hockey match and caught my eye. He didn’t stop, he didn’t pull away. Instead, he began kissing down her neck, which prompted her moans to grow louder.
And I realized he was doing it on purpose. But why?
My appetite vanished and I backpedaled, walking straight upstairs. I closed my bedroom door behind me and climbed back into the bed. As I wrapped the comforter around me, I couldn’t control the tears that started pouring down my cheeks.
Seeing him make-out some other woman just hurt me so much. It left me bewildered over all that had happened. What about the kisses that we shared, our conversations? Didn’t they mean anything to him? What the hell was going on?
Between the cramps and an aching heart, I somehow managed to fall asleep.
The next time my eyes opened, it felt like my body was on fire.
My eyes shifted to the clock which read 11:30. The sky outside was dark and it had started snowing a little. The bedroom door opening and closing behind me had me turning my head to see who it was at this time.
I sighed in relief when I saw Mama Bella. With a kind smile, she walked over to the bed and placed a tray on the nightstand. She reached out and firmly touched my forehead, her cool fingers providing a much needed relief.
“Honey, you’re burning up.” she exclaimed, pulling the comforter down a little, “What happened?”
“I got my period.” I croaked, “And the cramps are killing me.”
“But you have such a high fever. Is it always like this?”
“No.” I replied, hating how I sounded so weak, “I guess it’s because of all the stress these past few weeks.”
She nodded in understanding, and then reached for the tray and picked up a plate.
“I thought you might be hungry since you didn’t come down for dinner.” she said, uncovering the plate to reveal a huge serving of spaghetti.
The sight and aroma of the pasta instantly made my mouth water. Mumbling a quick thank you, I started eating the food like a maniac, sending a blessing for Mama Bella with each bite.
“I did come down for dinner.” I told her, “But I saw Stefan kissing some strange girl in the hall.”
Her eyebrows shot up in shock, making it clear that she was quite unaware of this.
With some food finally in my system, I was feeling much, much better, though I was still sleepy. I watched as Mama Bella got up walked to the bathroom, returning with a couple of pills in her hand.
“Now take these painkillers and go back to sleep. We’ll talk about Stefan in the morning.”
Chasing the medicine down with some water, I thanked Mama Bella profusely for being such an angel. After she left, I got up to use the bathroom, did my business, and then changed in some PJs before slipping into my bed again.
The pills were hard and I fell asleep instantly, dreaming of a grey-eyed monster.
Next day I was pissed.
First, I got up late, which made me miss breakfast. Two, my cramps hadn’t died down, making me all sorts of annoyed and irritated. It didn’t help the fact that I was still sad about what happened with Stefan.
After brushing my teeth, I wrapped myself in a large hoodie and sweats, looking every bit the miserable state I was on the inside. My hair was tied in a high top bun, my feet were in the pink fuzzy slippers and I completely resembled a homeless person.
But I didn’t care. All I needed right now was to curb my hunger pangs and cramps and what other way to smother them than by eating a ton of junk food.
I left my bedroom at 12 in the noon, trudging down the corridor and towards the stairs. The same sight that greeted me yesterday in the hall stood before me, leaving me momentarily shocked and a little heartbroken.
Stefan was pressed up against the wall, with the same blonde clinging on to him. The only difference was, the blonde’s dress yesterday was a trashy green and today it was a trashy red. Her exaggerated moans
fell on my poor eardrums until I realized I’d have to probably dip them in alcohol to get rid of the noise.
Unlike yesterday, I didn’t turn around, and before I knew it, my pissed off mood had taken over.
“For the love of God, get a room. No one wants to hear the sounds of a dying whale first thing in the morning.” I rolled my eyes, walking past them.
They sprang apart and Stefan glared at me. I didn’t bother to look twice as I marched right down the stairs, feeling a little satisfied with my own self.
Thankfully, only Mama Bella was present in the kitchen. She was sat at the counter, reading from a magazine, a cup of coffee in her hands. Her eyes snapped up when she heard me enter, and she tried to hide her smile at my attire.
“I know I look hideous.” I rolled my eyes, smiling a little.
“You said it, not me.” she chuckles.
Armed with all the junk I could get my hands on, I made the trip back to my room. It included a bag of chips, a packet of peanut butter cups and one of Oreos, and the big tub of cookie dough ice-cream which I’m pretty sure was Vincent’s. Switching on Netflix, I got comfortable in bed, and opened the ice-cream, losing myself in FRIENDS.
Sometime during the episode of Phoebe’s wedding, I fell asleep.
The next time I woke up, it was around 6 o’clock in the evening and I realized I’d missed lunch. However, when I turned around, I noticed I wasn’t alone.
Stefan was seated on the couch, tapping away on his phone.
At first I couldn’t believe that he was actually here. But when I blinked my eyes a few times, my suspicions were confirmed. Looking extremely relaxed in a black suit, his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration at his phone.
“What the hell are you doing in my room?” I asked. My bitch mode was switched on in an instant when I remembered his tonsil hockey partner,
“How many times have I told you not to talk to me like that?” he asked, eyes narrowing at me.
“How many times have I told you to knock the fucking door before coming in?” I retorted, removing the comforter and getting off the bed. I sent a silent thank you to God, for the cramps were gone, leaving in its wake a moody, bitchy attitude.
“I just came to see how you were. Mama Bella told me you weren’t well.” he gritted, striving for patience.
“Well now you’ve seen me. I look like shit.” I said, gesturing to my state, “Now you can go.”
I could see the vein on his forehead, ready to pop in anger.
“Would you quit being so sarcastic and tell me how you are?” he asked, as if I was being unnecessarily difficult.
“Would you quit being an asshole and just go back to your girlfriend?”
I swore internally the moment these words left my mouth. Why did I have to say that?
His eyebrows raised and amusement flashed in his eyes, “Is that what this is about? You are jealous of her?”
I rolled my eyes, “I don’t need to be jealous of some trash wearing girl.”
The truth was I wasn’t jealous. I was heartbroken. I was so lost in the feeling of kissing him and being with him, that I hadn’t realized that one simple mistake of mine would send him flying into some other girl’s arms.
“Then why the hell are you angry at me?” he yelled suddenly, startling me.
“Oh I don’t know, Stefan.” I finally snapped, “Maybe because when I came to apologize to you for intruding on your privacy, you blatantly ignored me, maybe because the day before you were kissing me and saying sweet things to me and now you’re making out with some unknown chick right outside my room. Take your pick, Esposito.”
His hands balled into fists, “You had absolutely no right going in that room. And it is none of your business who I do or do not kiss.”
“Well, it is my business when you kiss me one day and make out with her the next.” I yelled back, now losing it completely. Unwanted tears were now welling up in my eyes as my voice broke, “I thought we had something, Stefan. I thought that you actually cared.”
My resolve was weakening and I was about to break down. But his next words were like a burning knife through my broken heart.
“How stupid can you be?” he said, the look in his eyes of pure hatred and loathing, “You actually thought I would care for you? Those kisses we had were just a way to lower your guard. I needed to find out how much you knew about the situation. And by willfully giving me access to the files and the documents in that basement, you just confirmed how naive you can be.”
He walked closer until he was standing right in front of me, “As I had said before, looking after you and protecting you is only a debt I am repaying, it’s only a promise that I made. In my eyes, you are just a wayward girl that I took in just because I gave my word to someone. You mean nothing more to me.”
And then he left.
Chapter 20: Words
Zara
Words.
How coherently strung together syllables can hold so much power, will always be unknown to me.
But to actually hear them come from someone who you care about, words that are harsh and brutal and pierce right through your heart, well, that’s a whole other story.
Hearing Stefan say that I was nothing more than a debt to him was beyond hurtful. I hadn’t realized how much I was getting attached until the reality of his words started settling in.
But what could I do? I mean, we never talked about what we had, what we were doing or where it was going. Maybe I should get used to it. Maybe I too should forget all that happened and move forward.
But my heart warns me that it won’t be easy.
After Stefan left that night, I broke down. I spent the whole night bawling my eyes out. Maybe it was my hormonal state or maybe it was heartache. I couldn’t differentiate anymore.
The insecurities started to resurface, ones I’d worked so hard to kill. Little did I know that they hadn’t died, they had just subsided. All it took was some words for them to resurface and claw at my heart.
Because the heart is cruel. It always yearns for someone it cannot have. And the mind is vicious, weaving fantasies of the same.
After being through something tragic, a person has two options- either they can lose hope of everything or they can come out stronger. I chose the latter. I survived through all the pain, the loneliness, the nightmares, all of it. And I am proud of myself today.
And if Stefan thought that he could bring me down, well, he can think again. I am much stronger than he assumed me to be.
Morning rolled around and I got up from the bed with renewed energy. My tear ducts had dried out and somewhere between body shaking sobs and cursing Stefan last night, I’d decided that I was no longer going to waste any time over him.
I took a long hot shower, grateful that the cramps had finally decided to grant my uterus the much needed relief. Dressing myself in a hoodie and jeans, I left my room, eager to start my day on a good note with some of Mama’s delicious cooking.
To my utter annoyance, the happy couple was right at the bottom of the staircase, mouths joined.
As I descended the last step, the two of them pulled away, turning to look at me with different expressions. The girl’s face turned into a scowl after analyzing me from head to toe and as for Stefan, he held his usual stony demeanor. His eyes however, were challenging and I knew he was trying to rile me up when his arm tightened around the girl.