by Nina Manning
But now, I suddenly felt more free, the birth of the baby had heightened my senses, and my mind and soul surged with maternal instincts and oxytocin was flooding my body, my instinctual urge made me fall to my knees and I pulled back the rug. It was heavier than I anticipated, and I felt every part of my body ache as I did so. I was still surprised when I saw the large metal bolt and round handle. A cellar. No one had ever mentioned a cellar. I was merely following a hunch. The bolt was heavy and didn’t shift easily but with one hand on top of the other I was able to pull it. I had to use two hands to lift the handle.
I stood up and took a step backwards so I could use my full body weight to release the door and lay it down on the floor. I walked back around to where I had started. I saw a steep staircase leading down into darkness. I was breathing heavily from the excursion of the lifting. Already I could feel blood leaking out of me on to the thick pad I was wearing. I felt dizzy and weak. I tried to control my breathing and my racing heart. I paused and stood still for a few moments. Then I placed my foot on the staircase. I didn’t know what to expect as I took the first step into the darkness.
Annie
The baby had begun to fuss. He would need a bottle before I left. I knew Daisy would be well out of it so I threw my handbag over my shoulder and rushed across the landing and down the stairs. As I did, memories of Ben were flooding in and out of my mind.
I wondered how I had managed all those years, none of it was plotted or planned, I just went along with what I thought was best. I often told Ben the story of Mrs Keeley with the two children who helped us out. Then when he was old enough his original memory of a kindly woman with two small children, one girl and one boy and a woman he referred to as mama, merely morphed into my new memory which I had spoon-fed him. Eventually in his mind his own mother evolved into Mrs Keeley. It was my saviour for many a moment when Ben referred back to something in the past that I couldn’t account for during my time with him.
‘That must have been when you were with Mrs Keeley,’ I told him. And like everything else I told him during those innocent years, he swallowed down. Until my job was complete. He had erased her from his memory. And all the new memories that we made from then on took precedence. I couldn’t help it if my womb was inhabitable. I did the very best for my Ben when he came to me. Those first few months had been torturous for me. I didn’t stop looking over my shoulder until we had travelled the 400 miles to the beach house. Then I went about creating a new identity for myself. I simply dropped Marianne and became known as Annie. No one at that cookery class had known a thing about me. They didn’t know where I lived and twenty-two years ago, they didn’t have CCTV on every corner. No one batted an eyelid at a young mother with a toddler walking down the street hand in hand. But I went out as little as I could in those early days. Keeping oneself to oneself all my life, had paid off for me. It took a while, but eventually I stopped looking over my shoulder. I was always acutely aware though. Forever checking the papers, but never able to listen to the radio or TV for fear of hearing or seeing something I wasn’t prepared for. And then there she was on that ridiculous oversized screen, all these years later, making some plea or another.
She told me to keep him safe. I had done what she asked.
The little mite didn’t stop asking for his mama. Never mind that I kept telling him, I was his mummy now. Crying at every opportunity. I wondered if the tears would ever stop. I was just beginning to grow tired of looking at his red eyes and wet cheeks, when one day, he stopped and he gave me his first proper smile and I knew I was made for this job. I was always careful not to let anyone get close to him. I invented a new memory for him. A fire that destroyed vital paperwork and photographs. And he was to blame. He held onto that memory so tightly and I knew he felt the brunt of the guilt, but at least he would never suspect why there were no legal documents in his name.
I taught him to drive, told him lessons were a waste of money. We had a mile-long road leading to the beach house, so once he was old enough I allowed him access to the driver’s seat, and we went up and down that road every day. I then let him use my little car to drive to and from his gigs. He never questioned not getting a licence, because to him it was normal. He didn’t seem to strive for anything more than what he knew.
I knew we were running out of time once he met Daisy. She began to show him everything about the world that I refused to show him. I kept him sheltered for his own good. That night in July last year when he didn’t come home, well… then I knew. It was the beginning of the end.
But then he brought her here, into my home, pregnant! And she reminded me so much of her, of Jenny with her long golden hair and her perfect complexion. Of course he would fall for a woman like that, the image of his mother was imprinted on his brain.
How could Ben not be attracted to this golden beauty who bore so many traits like his own tall, handsome mother’s. The one whose face lit up the whole sixty inches of that TV screen that day in town. A mother who just wouldn’t give up. I refused to have a television or turn on a radio. I didn’t want to live my life on the edge. Out of sight, out of mind. Ben accepted it, never even questioning it once he started school and all the other kids had TVs. Such a good boy.
I changed Ben’s birthday from the 12th of August to the 17th of December. Just a few months’ difference. He was a tall lad anyway so it was never going to make too much difference. Besides, I adored Christmas and I wanted Ben to share his birthday with the most magical time of year. Pity he never really appreciated the season as much as I did.
I knew Daisy wasn’t everything she tried to present to me, which was why I needed to search for evidence, to prove my case, prove that she wasn’t this golden glamorous, innocent woman she was portraying herself to be.
I thought about the papers, everything I had discovered about her and printed out. I had thrown them in the fire days ago, when I realised it had all been for nothing.
I showed it all to Ben, all the news reports, the evidence of the lives she had destroyed and when his head fell into his hands I thought, finally, he would see her for the manipulative girl I knew she was. He would end this silly infatuation with her. But after a few moments he sat up straight and looked at me shook his head and said, ‘You are not my mother.’
He looked at me with such repulsion. I couldn’t control what happened next.
Daisy
I stood and breathed heavily on the first step. There was a thin wooden banister about three steps down. It was pitch-black but I could see a thin sliver of light stretched out across the floor at the bottom. I needed to find my baby, I had no idea where Annie was, an urge to find my son overwhelmed me, the need to be with him was overpowering, yet the sounds I was hearing that had been flooding the house and my mind for months were driving me down the steps. Fear pulsated though every vein. I looked back into the kitchen before I tentatively took the second step.
I stretched my hand to the right and found a light switch. I flicked it and the basement was suddenly illuminated by a pale yellow sea of light. My legs felt as though they would give way at any moment and although I knew in my mind what I thought I might possibly find, I really didn’t want to know.
As I reached the bottom of the stairs, a vast space stretched out in front of me and to the right of the staircase, the room continued round the corner. I took my final step, onto the cold concrete floor, looked to my left and saw a canvas sheet covering up a large pointy object. Next to it was a box that said ‘Christmas decorations’ written neatly in black pen. There was foam coming out in pyramid shapes attached to all the walls from ceiling to floor. The basement was sound proofed. I guess it had always been this way from when Ben used to use it to play his instruments. All along the wall to the left were stacked boxes and an old dusty-looking wooden bookshelf. I left the security of the last step and walked around the corner to the right. The smell hit me but I still couldn’t see anything else until I was still further around the corner, practically under the stai
rs of which I had just walked down. Then I saw something – something that initially my eyes could not accept. In the furthest corner there were several blankets piled on top of one another. There was a bulge in the blankets. An obvious body shape. And from the bottom of the blankets came a chain which was attached to an old iron radiator. I let out a gasp and whatever was underneath moved. It started to sit up, its face partially covered by the blankets and by a mass of hair. An arm came out of the blankets stretching its way to me. My feet felt as though they were stuck to the ground. I could neither run nor walk towards the stairs or towards the body. With pain now resonating through my pelvis and into my legs I bent down on all fours and moved my hands and legs one at a time, the position eased the pain in my abdomen, until I was so close that my face was just inches away from a nose… a mouth. My brain was refusing to make the connection, but there was no mistaking those deep brown eyes that were staring back at me.
Annie
Last night I had packed the car with everything I would need to start me and the baby off. It felt the same as it did the first time with Ben. I had no plan, I simply went with the flow and it had all worked out. Until now.
As I walked through the lounge towards the kitchen, I could see straight away that down the hallway the cellar door was open. I thought I had given Daisy a double dose to knock her out for a good few hours, she couldn’t possibly be up and about? Perhaps in my haste I had miscalculated. A surge of panic stalled me. What was I doing? It had been twenty-two years since I had walked away with a toddler clinging to me like a baby monkey. And now, here was a baby in my arms, a mere few hours old. Could I do it all again? This time would be easier though surely? The baby would be like a blank canvas. There would be no memories to erase. He would only ever know me as his grandmother who raised him when his parents died in a tragic house fire.
There wasn’t much time left, the baby was beginning its pathetic mewlings. I went quickly to the pantry, tripping on the step and banging my shoulder against the doorframe. Another bruise to add to the many my body was already littered with from when Ben had attempted to fight back. The ungrateful little sod. I was feeding him, the way I had always done throughout his childhood, trying to care for him, yet he kicked out, bruising me and scratching me like a feral cat with his uncut fingernails. I reached up with my spare hand and fumbled about on the top shelf for the box, I flipped the lid off and my fingers slid around the cold metal handle easily. The memory of watching my father polish it once a week was etched in my brain. I was brave enough one day to ask how it worked. It was the only time he and I ever shared a moment, as he carefully talked me through each cylinder and barrel and finally the trigger.
I held the old revolver in my left hand, adjusted the baby in my right arm and walked out of the kitchen towards the open cellar door.
Daisy
‘Ben. Ben is that you… I can’t believe it.’ I stayed on all fours, tears poured down my cheeks, my hands and arms shook trying to hold the weight of my contorting body. He was trying to sit up. He was wearing a woolly bobble hat, and his face was a mass of beard. I looked to the corner to where a wretched smell was coming from. There was a bucket. I could imagine what was in there. Finally, Ben began to sit up.
‘Darling. My darling.’ A flood of shock and relief cascaded through my body. My breathing was ragged and laboured. I pushed myself onto my knees and gently touched his face, his matted beard. Leaning on one arm as he took my hand in his, he opened his mouth to speak.
‘Darling,’ I continued. ‘What is it?’
It was Ben’s voice, but he sounded drunk. Or drugged. He entwined his fingers in mine and I leant into him.
His voice was small, croaky and rough.
‘Daisy,’ he said.
‘I see you found him then.’
I swung around to see Annie standing a few feet away holding a gun and pointing it directly at us.
I could see the baby in the crook of Annie’s arm. I could hear the tiny whimpering coming from my son. I could see these three people around me and none of it made sense. I pulled myself to standing.
‘I’ll take the baby. He needs me, he needs feeding,’ I said, trying to conceal the panic in my voice.
Behind me I could sense Ben trying to sit up even more.
‘Ha! You think I’m just going to hand the baby over to you. Look at you. Look at him. Do you think that either of you are fit to bring up a baby?
I inched closer to Annie and she shoved the gun out further towards us both. ‘Don’t think I won’t. I will do whatever I have to.’
‘You don’t have to do this, Annie.’ I tried to take another step without Annie noticing. ‘Just let me take the baby. He needs me.’
‘He needs me, Daisy. This is how it was supposed to be. This is what all this was for, what all this has led up to. Haven’t you ever felt that something was supposed to be for a reason? Can’t you see that everything that has happened is so I can have him?’ I watched Annie’s hand clutching my son too tightly. His mewling was becoming a full cry which penetrated my body filling me with fear and anxiety.
I could feel the hysteria rising through my body as I thought about my baby boy of only a few hours being snatched away from me by a woman that wasn’t speaking a word of sense.
A million thoughts were already racing around my head. What would Annie do to him? Where would they go? I would never see him again.
‘Annie. Please.’ I held my hands out in a prayer fashion.
‘No!’ Annie shouted and the baby began to cry a full loud wail that resounded around the basement.
‘Mum,’ Ben tried to shout but his voice was small and hollow. ‘Don’t do this. I love you!’
‘Ha! You think I’m falling for that after everything you have said to me. I tried so hard with you, Ben. I thought eventually you had succumbed to me, that you had accepted me as yours. I raised you! I saved you! God knows what would have become of you if I left you with that madman of a father.’
I rubbed my hands ferociously across my face.
‘Ben does love you, don’t you, Ben?’ I looked down at Ben, pleading with my eyes to keep saying the words Annie needed to hear but I could already see he had given up. He had slouched back onto the floor, and his eyes were rolling.
‘Ben was my son. I had him. He was given to me. I saved him! You took my son away from me. I would have been happy, just me and him, but no, you had to come along, take him and fill his head with ridiculous ideas. Well, you are welcome to him now. I’m done with the pair of you. I have what I need. What I was destined for all along. And I will take, him. Daniel.’ Annie pointed the gun at the baby. ‘Baby Daniel, I will take him.’
‘No, Annie. No!’ I screamed and walked closer to Annie. Her eyes were wide and wild.
Annie pointed the gun. ‘Stop. Or I’ll shoot you both now!’ I stopped. Annie took a deep breath. ‘Now. I’m going to go now. Be good children and stay here. It won’t be long now. Don’t try and follow me.’ Annie started walking backwards, around the corner until she reached the edge of the first step. I followed her slowly. ‘I mean it. One move to these steps and I’ll shoot you.’
I stood at the bottom of the steps and watched Annie walk up them backwards until she reached the top. Then suddenly, I found a surge of energy. Even though I had given birth just a few hours ago, even though I was bleeding, my abdomen still contracting, I put one hand against the wall then launched myself and leapt across as many steps as I could to reach the top just as Annie’s legs were disappearing. All the while I could hear Annie screaming her threats and the baby was now wailing, innately aware of the dangers. Annie tried to slam the door shut. My fingers became trapped under the heavy wood and I cried out, but before I knew what was happening, I had managed to push the door, the strength of both of my arms against Annie’s one arm, meant I was out, crouched down on the floor inside the kitchen, staring up at Annie. I pulled myself from my knees to standing.
‘Give. Him. To. Me!’ I was fighting
for breath, I could barely stand, my insides felt as though they were being ripped from within me, but I could see my son, my son who had been safe inside my body just a few hours ago, now in the arms of this crazy woman.
‘Annie. Give. Me. My. Son!’ I could see Annie was edging back from me. ‘Annie.’ My voice was louder, the hysteria palpable. I took a step forward ready to snatch him straight from her arms when I saw Annie’s left hand rising high into the air, holding the gun.
Annie
She had some strength, I’ll give her that, but even with one hand holding onto the baby I had been able to knock her back down again with the weight of the gun. She had slumped to the floor like a rag doll and I used my feet to kick her back down the steps.