Blair slapped his shoulder. “Give your Gemma some time and see if she doesn’t heal. We Sinclair men bring out the best in our ladies.” Blair gave him a wink. “Now what do ye plan to do with the children?”
“Keep them,” Will answered without hesitation. “Though I wonder at the wisdom of it. What if I—”
“Good fer ye.” Blair hit him again, harder. “That is what a good Sinclair does.”
He hid his grimace. A good Sinclair? He wasn’t sure that was true. Not when he’d blackmailed Gemma into working for him as his nanny. Still…he wanted to prove himself. “I’m trying.”
“Ye’re doing well, brother.” Blair stood. “What do ye say we go see if the cakes are frosted?”
Will joined him. Heading to the kitchen was a fine idea. “If ye insist. I remember Elle’s cooking. The cakes are sure to be delicious.” He also wanted to check on Gemma. Elle was a sweet woman but this was all new to Gemma and he didn’t want to overwhelm her with his family.
“Are ye sure ye can only stay the night?” Blair asked. “It isn’t much time to get to know one another.”
He gave a snort. Blair had practically read his thoughts. “We’ll see ye soon. But I’ve got to get back and finish harvesting the fall barley crop. It has to be in before the first frost. If it isn’t, I’ll go the whole winter without a penny of profit.” He ignored the rumbling deep in his gut.
“Fair enough.” Blair gave him a sideways glance. “Ye’ll tell me if ye need help, won’t ye?”
He looked over at Blair. The man was building a house, a business, and getting ready to bring a child into the world. “Yer hands are full already. Ye don’t need to be burdened with my problems.”
They reached the bottom of the stairs and Blair stopped for a moment. “Ye’re not burdening me. Don’t forget that.” Then he started walking again.
Will took a deep breath. Blair’s words provided a great deal of comfort. If he failed, he had people to fall back on. He’d keep that in mind.
As they entered the kitchen, his mood lightened even more. Fiona giggled as she frosted a cake, frosting hanging off her nose. Gemma laughed as she held Ewan and Elle held in her giggles, her lips pressed together as she tried to help Fiona with the cake.
The tension that always seemed to hold his shoulders taut eased. He could do this. He could take on a family knowing that his family was behind him, supporting him. But if he failed? He didn’t dare allow the thought to settle in because failure wasn’t an option.
* * *
Gemma lay back on her bed, sighing in contentment. It had been a most pleasant day. The food had been excellent, the company outstanding, the children happy. A soft knock at her door made her spring out of bed.
Her heart thumped in her chest. She didn’t need to ask who stood on the opposite side of the door. She knew it was Will, she could sense him, and she couldn’t wait to hold him close. She opened the door, and he slipped inside and behind him it closed with a soft click.
Then her arms were about him, her body pressed close. “I’m so glad you came.”
He held her tight. “I am too.”
Their lips met and Gemma practically sighed into his. “I think you’re a fine man, Will Sinclair.”
He slowly kissed her and then he pulled back. “I’m not sure if that is good or not.”
“It’s the best,” she answered. “At least for me. I’ve never met one like you.”
“Does that mean you plan to stay with me for a while?” he asked as he picked her up and began carrying her to the bed.
She kissed a trail to the shell of his ear. “For as long as you’ll have me.”
He stopped and lay her down on the bed. “I’d keep ye forever if ye’d stay. But ye have to know that I’m not sure how successful I’ll be.”
She sucked in her breath. Had he really just said forever? “Will.” Her voice came out sharp. She hadn’t intended that and she winced at the sound.
“What?” he asked, pulling away so that his face was a hovering above hers. His jaw was clenched even as his hands gently held her sides.
She took a breath, trying to soften her voice. “You don’t want me forever. I can promise you that.”
His head snapped back. “Why wouldn’t I?”
She sat up, pushing him away. It wasn’t that she needed distance from him but her thoughts were a jumbled mess. “I think I’ve proven that I don’t make a very good wife. And you deserve the best.”
He stood, his arms crossing. “Oh really. Is that the truth or is the truth that you want Mary’s land?”
Anger burned behind her eyes. Gemma stood too. “Mary’s land?” she asked, barely able to conceal her outrage. “Why is it Mary’s land? I am his legal wife.”
“How do ye ken that? They contacted you because of the letter he carried. But that doesn’t actually prove he hadn’t done this before. And I call it Mary’s land because she has worked it. Borne children on it, cried her tears into it.”
Her fists clenched. That made Gemma spitting mad. “Does that make your land the old laird’s? All ye did so far was pay money.”
His chest puffed out. “I might as well tell ye now that even if ye kick Mary off the property, the lease ends in a month. I won’t renew it for ye. It’s not meant for ye, Gemma.”
Those words were like a whip, snapping her head back. She hit her own thigh with her closed fist. He was taking Mary’s side and leaving her with no option. “Get out,” she said, taking a step back.
She looked at him, wondering if he understood her. How could he, of all people, rob her of the one thing she’d always wanted and give it to Mary?
“Don’t be like that.” He reached his hand for her. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need ye to understand that yer meant to be by my side and not working a field in a croft.”
Tears blurred her eyes. She wanted to believe that but Mary had already taken one man from her and she was about to get another. Gemma had to protect herself. “You don’t understand. I have to be in a field in a croft. Or a laundress, or, at best, a nanny. I was never meant to be a wife and certainly not your wife.”
“Not my wife?” His voice dropped low as his brows drew together, his face drawing in on itself. “I see.”
“I wish this situation could be different. I wish I could be different.” She did step toward him then. Something had shifted, and he was pulling away from her, though he hadn’t moved a muscle. She tried to reach out to him then. But he moved out of range. Withdrawing her hand, she winced. “Don’t ye see, I’m not meant—”
“Are ye sure that ye wish things were different?” he asked. His voice was hard and rough. Then he did step back, moving away from her toward the door.
She cocked her head to one side, honestly confused. “Who else would it be?”
He gave a shrug. “Maybe ye don’t want the children. Or maybe ye don’t want me. Perhaps I’m not successful enough. Who knows what ye really think, and I’m not sure I’d blame ye, my whole life could come crashing down.”
She gave her head a vigorous shake. “Will. That isn’t it at all. It’s not that. Sean, he woke up one day and decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.” She couldn’t say the other part. The part where she admitted deep down that he’d left because she couldn’t give him a family. It hurt too much. Or that Mary seemed to win every battle because she was a better woman. “I’d die inside if that happened again.”
He shuddered then. “I’m sorry Gemma. Yer right. I’m pushing too hard. Ye need time. I understand that.”
Gemma let out a little sigh, relief washing through her. “Will, ye’re are the best man I’ve ever met. Please understand that I will never love another the way I do you.”
Chapter Fourteen
He gave his head a shake. Gemma’s words should have filled him with joy. She was admitting that she loved him. “I love you too,” Will said, a trace of sadness in his voice.
But all he could feel was sick dread. Somehow that made it all the wor
se. She knew she loved him and yet was certain they couldn’t marry.
Oh sure, she’d said it was her and maybe it was. But deep down, if he were really the right man for her, wouldn’t she marry him? She didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t good enough.
Will couldn’t blame her. After her last husband had left her alone and without money or a way to earn it, she must want a man who was established and could care for her. Not one like him.
No wonder she still wanted the land.
He could just see taking Gemma and the children to live with his brother, Stone. A failure to be seen by his old and new family. Scrubbing his face with his hands, he felt her touch on his forearm. “Then why do you look so sad?”
“What does love matter if we don’t have a future?” He dropped his hands. “I’m not putting pressure on ye. If ye need time to think it over, I understand. But if ye’re absolutely certain that ye don’t want to marry me ever, then I’m not sure what we’re doing. I don’t need an answer now but I need to ken that ye’re at least considering a future.”
Her mouth opened and then it closed again. Slowly she took her hand off of his arm. “Will,” she started. “I’d stay with ye forever, but I won’t marry ye. It’s a line I can’t cross.”
The words cut him like a knife. He didn’t answer as she turned on heel and left the room. He didn’t trust himself to speak.
He didn’t go back to his room, instead he went outside. The cool ocean breeze bit at his skin but he headed down to the beach.
“What the bloody hell are ye doing out here?” Blair called from behind him.
“I’m trying to take a walk…alone. I forgot how annoying brothers are.” He narrowed his gaze.
Blair chuckled. “Ye don’t mean that.”
“Every word.” Will looked out at the ocean, its dark, churning water matching his mood. “If ye don’t mind. I’d like to be alone.”
“I mind. I haven’t seen ye in over a month. Tell me what’s troubling you. I’m yer brother. I can help.”
Will gave his brother a long stare. He was certain Blair could, which was even more annoying. “Gemma told me she wouldn’t marry me.”
Blair pulled back his chin. “Ouch.”
“She says she can’t trust again.” Will, not sure what else to do, plopped back down in the sand. It was freezing but he ignored the cold.
Blair sat next to him. “We already discussed this,” he said gently. “Asking her about marriage is not giving her the time she needs to trust and heal.”
“I ken that.” Will picked up a rock and threw it toward the water. “I didn’t mean to but she was going on about how she wanted Sean and Mary’s croft. I—”
“You what?” Blair asked as Will stopped talking.
“I told her that her place was with me. That she didn’t need the croft and that I wouldn’t—” Will winced. Had he really told her that he wouldn’t give her the lease?
“Ye didn’t?” Blair punched him in the arm. “Ye’re an egit. Ye ken that, don’t ye?”
Will scrubbed his face. “If I remove Mary, she’s got nowhere to go,” he said. “I can’t bring her and her boys up to the house, not with Gemma around and I can’t just kick her out.”
Blair took a breath. “Will. Just send her here. She’s got experience with babies, she can help Elle. Even if Mary doesn’t stay here, we can provide recommendations for her that will help her land a good position. It would be a better career for her anyway.”
“That is a bloody good idea.” Will looked over at his brother. Did he want to hug him for being so smart or hit him for the same reason?
“I ken.” Blair grinned. “Now listen. If ye need any help, ye send word. Do ye hear?”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
Blair scrunched up his face. “I’ve known ye yer whole life. Ye have a stick up yer arse about doing things by yerself even when it makes it far more difficult.”
Will did hit his brother in the arm then. Hard. He’d forgotten how annoyingly helpful Blair could be. But at least tomorrow he could tell Gemma that Mary was leaving. Maybe then, they could come to an understanding.
* * *
The morning sun pricked at Gemma’s puffy eyes. She hadn’t slept much and, as she dragged herself from the bed, she had the foreboding sense that today was going to be a terrible day.
She’d spent much of the night considering what was important to her. She knew Will and the children meant more than a lease but she was also angry that Will had told her he wouldn’t allow her to renew.
He was taking Mary’s side. What was it about that woman that she was so much more sympathetic then Gemma?
Part of her wanted to confront Sean’s second wife. See for herself who this siren was. But another part worried that she’d only be met with the truth: Mary was just better.
And she, Gemma, would never be good enough.
She let out a groan. What a terrible day. To make matters worse, the sun shone brightly in the sky. It should be raining and grey. Even the weather was mocking her.
Dressing, she moved to the room next door to get the children ready only to find Will already there. Her body throbbed with longing at the sight of him, and her heart raced in her chest. Her mind might have said no to him but the rest of her longed to say yes.
He sat on the bed, a child under each arm. She stopped, trying to discern his mood but studying the contours of his face. In return, he gave her a small smile. “Good morning,” he said, his voice relaxing some of the tension in her muscles.
“Good morning,” she answered. Should she apologize? Was that what was wrong with her? She didn’t say she was sorry? She didn’t back down when she wanted something? “What are we doing today?”
“We’re going to have breakfast with Blair and Elle and then head home. With good weather, we can complete the planting this week.”
“Sounds good,” she said, not knowing what else to say. “Come on, children. Time to dress.”
“Gemma.” Will stood, then crossed over to her. “We need to talk about last night.”
Her insides twisted into a thousand knots. “I agree.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn.” Gemma pressed her hand against her stomach, willing the knots to slacken as she slowly released the air she’d bottled up in her lungs.
That made him smile. “I’m sorry fer the same. I ken ye need time and I can understand why having Mary about might upset ye. Blair and Elle are going to take in Mary and the boys. Give her a job. I can’t send her and the children to the wolves, Gemma. But I can have her leave the property.”
Those words made her insides turn to jelly. He wasn’t choosing Mary over her. He was just a good man who couldn’t turn out a woman in need. She licked her lips. “That means so much.”
“I’m going to be honest. I still don’t think ye should take over the lease for the croft. I don’t think anyone can farm alone,” he said. “I can’t afford to have ye try and fail.”
Gemma turned her face away. He was being honest, she knew that. “It’s just that the croft was my one chance to have my marriage mean something,” she said. “Otherwise, it’s just a failure.”
She heard him suck in his breath. “Oh Gemma.” Then she was crushed up against his chest. “I am doubly sorry. I know what it means to not want to fail. I hadn’t even though about it like that.”
She shook her head against the hard muscles of his chest and arm. “And what happens if ye decide, like Sean, ye don’t want me anymore? I have to ken I’ve something to fall back on this time. I can’t—” The words stuck in her throat.
He rubbed her back. “Ye’ve been a laird’s nanny. I’ll write ye a recommendation. I’m not going tae do what Sean did, but in yer heart, you can rest easy knowing that ye can find a position whenever you choose. But ye ken me, Gemma and ye ken that I would never just leave you out in the cold.
Gemma looked up into his eyes. She did know that. It was her own heart that she no longer had faith in.
Chapter Fifteen
Once they arrived back home, Will headed out to the fields. He still had half a day to work and he needed every second of it. September was sliding away and October would bring hard frosts. The barley had to be in before that.
Setting to work, he spent the afternoon planting. He was fortunate in only one respect, he had plenty of seed to go around.
By the time the sky darkened, he was nearly finished. Tomorrow, he’d be done. A light smile touched his lips. Rather than head home, however, he walked toward Mary’s farmhouse.
Knocking on the door, he heard the baby crying inside.
Folding his hands, he prepared to wait. He could hear her soothing the child as the lock clicked and the door opened.
“Laird Sinclair,” she exclaimed, her eyes opening wide. “Can I help ye with something, my lord?”
“Ye can,” he said. “May I come in?”
With a nod, she stepped back, allowing him entrance into the room. Sean came toddling over, and without thought, he picked up the boy and swung him into his arms. “My brother is in need of a nanny. His wife is about to deliver their first child.”
Mary nodded, bouncing the baby on her hip. “I see.”
“They’ve offered you the position if ye’d like to take it.”
Mary lifted her hand to her mouth. “Leave here?”
Will kept his face a blank mask. He didn’t want to push Mary if she wasn’t ready, though he shuddered to think of how Gemma would react. “If ye’d like. Is it difficult fer ye to think of leaving this place?”
“Well ye’ve been verra kind,” Mary answered, her gaze trained on the fire. “But if I never see the inside of this farmhouse again, it will be too soon.”
Will nearly choked in surprise. “Yer not sad about leaving Sean’s memory?”
Mary snorted. “He barely farmed. The old laird threatened to remove us multiple times. I was out there, pregnant, getting the seed in the ground. He couldn’t stay out of the pub or out of other women’s skirts. Did ye ken he had another wife? Why would ye?” She shook her head. “Good fer nothing piece of shite,” she muttered. “If it hadn’t been fer little Sean, I’d have left him long ago.”
Kilted Sin: Brethren of Stone Page 8