by Rachel Kane
“Sell it? I remember when he threatened to burn it down!”
“Boys? Let’s go welcome our first guests,” said Liam, and they followed as he walked to the front door, throwing it open, sunlight washing inside, glinting off the arriving cars.
He wanted to get back to Alex. He knew he shouldn’t, for all sorts of reasons.
For one thing, he didn’t want to burn Alex out on the whole benefits part of being friends with benefits. Could someone get tired of sex? He worried that it was possible. But there were still a few other things he had been wanting to try—
Things he must not think about while he was at work. That was the last thing he needed, greeting guests with a big hard-on.
Also, this was the busiest he had ever been in his life. The first real test of the reservation system he’d built, and naturally there were bugs. In between smiles and greetings and congratulations, he’d been running back to the server, rebooting it, tapping in emergency lines of code to get things working again. Liam shot him concerned looks that quickly smoothed out when the screen popped back up, and Bray gave a little cheer and provided the first guests with their key-cards.
“I was so worried,” Liam whispered, not looking at Judah, keeping his eyes fixed on the guests oohing and ahhing during their tour of the mansion, his smile unmoving. “I thought something might go really wrong.”
“You did a great job,” Judah said, keeping that same smile plastered to his face. “Look at them. They’re eating it up.”
“And what would a hot springs resort be without the hot springs?” Noah asked the guests. He was playing tour-guide for this first round. “If you’ll follow me, I’d like to show you the real jewel of the estate, the spring-house.”
It never failed to excite Judah, walking into this place. The spring-house felt like the closest he would ever get to an alien planet, a temple devoted to strange gods. The sounds the guests made when they saw the mosaics showed he wasn’t the only one who felt this way.
The walls were covered with small tiles of brilliant white, deep lapis, and glittering gold, and Judah felt carried back in time when he looked at the murals made of the tiles, a world where mermaids frolicked with dolphins, where Triton blew his mighty conch, and where drowning beneath the waves might lead to a rescue by naiads and nereids.
Great tubs surrounded the guests, each tub with shining copper taps leading to the springs that ran beneath their feet. “You’ll find yourself relaxing in the pure mineral water, a perfect one hundred degrees melting away all your cares,” said Noah. “And in case you think you haven’t relaxed enough, Elihu is skilled in several different types of deep tissue massage.”
The guests murmured approvingly at this, and as they moved back out of the room, Judah found himself lingering inside.
He reached out and touched the edge of one of the tubs, thinking of the first time he’d really had an inkling of what he wanted to do with Alex. Poor stranded Alex, about to slip and fall! He’d rushed right in. Well, not rushed exactly, hard to do that with your eyes closed, but he’d saved him after all.
I wonder if he could get in one of these big things? Probably not, the cast would be too unwieldy, he’d have to point his leg straight up in the air. The image made him laugh…but also made him miss Alex.
Which was foolish. You don’t miss a friend. Not like this.
Please be careful, he told himself. It was one thing to toy around with sex. Quite another to mess with one’s feelings. He was happy just sleeping with Alex, and talking to him about friend-things. It didn’t need to go any deeper than that.
Besides, this was uncharted territory, just like Alex had said the other day. Judah really didn’t know what he was doing. You couldn’t fall for the first guy you slept with. You had to play the field, right? Had to sleep with lots of guys, get your feet beneath you, whatever the phrase was.
“Judah?” Liam asked, popping his head back into the spring-house. “Are you coming? Everyone’s unpacking in their rooms right now, but we’re about to serve lunch.”
“Um…yeah. Sure.”
Liam raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”
“I’m… Yeah, I’m fine. I’m great. Just nervous, I guess.”
His brother smiled a wide smile. “Me too. I can’t wait to get out of this suit, the tie is driving me nuts. You’re doing great, though, Judah. I just want you to know that. I don’t think I tell you often enough, how lucky I am to have you as my brother.”
You wouldn’t think you were so lucky, if you knew what was actually on my mind, Judah thought, letting Liam lead him back to the house.
“Take me to see the lions,” Alex said.
Judah was sprawled in a chair in the private study, his book lying unread on his lap, a bottle of cider half-empty on the nearby table. He lifted his head. “Really?”
Alex had his finger marking his place in The Bostonians. “I was just thinking about them. Unless, that is, you’re too tired to show me?”
The truth was, Judah couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this tired. Even with the staff seeing to everyone’s needs, there had been a constant flow of requests coming his way. Liam and Mason had already turned in for the night, worn out by the demands, but looking forward to tomorrow.
They were a careful distance apart, Judah and Alex, as though by some unspoken agreement. As though someone might walk in on them and make assumptions, if they were sitting as close as Judah wanted them to. How prim and old-fashioned they were being!
Showing Alex the lions was intriguing. There was only one problem.
“How am I going to get you down the stairs?”
“You could carry me,” quipped Alex. “I’m half-joking. I see you’re worn out.”
The old chair creaked as Judah stood up from it, his back creaking too. He stretched, aware as he did so that Alex’s eyes were traveling over him.
It felt good to be noticed like this. Good to be watched. It had never really happened before. Sometimes it felt like he was wearing an invisibility cloak, the way men ignored him. Not Alex. Judah stretched maybe a little longer than normal, bending himself back a little further, hips thrust out, until every muscle around his spine groaned with the strain.
“Hm,” said Alex. “Nice.”
It was the simplest possible compliment and yet Judah was already blushing.
How was it he had never experienced this before, the pleasure of someone looking at him and wanting him?
“Let’s go downstairs,” he said.
Walking was slow, with Alex’s step-click step-click behind him, but they made it to the kitchen. It gleamed in the low light, clean and shining, scrubbed down by the staff. Pretty as it was right now, Judah felt a pang, and paused.
“Something up?” asked Alex.
“This will sound weird. But the kitchen’s not really ours anymore. We used to hang out here every morning. Roo would sit over there to eat her toast, and we’d all talk about the day’s plans, but now it’s all business. Like, I’d feel guilty if I tried to raid the fridge right now.”
Alex grinned. “Come on, I haven’t seen a kitchen this big since I watched The Shining. I think you’ll survive, not having free rein with the whole thing.”
“Sure,” said Judah, “and I guess it’s kind of ridiculous to get used to a pantry that’s bigger than my old apartment…but you do get used to things, you know? Anyway, the basement is this way.”
“Oh yeah, I remember,” said Alex. “Wow. It has changed so much. Look, that’s the window I crawled through, I think! God, I can’t believe I was that skinny as a kid. Couldn’t get through it now.”
“Definitely not with those crutches. Speaking of…here’s the stairs down. I like to come down here in the dark—it’s so moody!—but I think for safety’s sake, I’d better flip on the lights.”
“Yeah, as much as I like atmosphere, I’d rather not break my other foot.”
“So how should we do this? Can you hold your crutches while I—”
“I’ve got you, one sec, ready, and up!”
“Woo, god, you keep surprising me with how strong you are.”
Someone cleared their throat behind them, and Judah nearly dropped Alex right down the stairs.
“Well well,” said Noah, emerging into the light. “What have we here?”
Judah absolutely froze. “Oh hey, Noah. Alex was asking to see the lions, so we… You know, with his foot and all…”
Why did it sound like a lie when it was the truth?
Noah grimaced. “Why are you dragging him into your squabble with Liam? Alex, I’ve seen the lions, trust me, you’re not missing anything.”
“When I talked to Thaddeus Mulgrew the other day, he made them seem like a very big deal. Which reminds me, I need to call him back. He still hasn’t gotten back to me on why they’re a big deal.”
Noah sighed. “Because everything in this town is a big deal to somebody. Because there’s nothing to do except fuck and feud, and the Coopers and the Mulgrews have chosen the second one perpetually. God help us if Judah ever starts dating a Mulgrew. Promise me you won’t do that, Judah.”
Noah knew that Judah had a crush on Alex. That explained the secretive smile on Noah’s face. But he didn’t know any more than that…and Judah didn’t want him to. Having a secret was new to Judah. It was exciting. Naughty, almost.
The thing was, Alex was getting heavy. Judah was too embarrassed to set him down, but he could feel his arms start to quiver a little with the strain. He’d been exercising a lot lately…if you counted what he and Alex were doing in bed as exercise.
“Oh, I don’t know,” teased Alex, “I could see Judah doing just that. Maybe he could date Justin Mulgrew. J&J. Has a ring to it, doesn’t it?”
Noah shook his head. “God, don’t tempt him. You don’t know what it’s like with poor Judah. All these years without a man, it can twist your brain.”
Alex looked at Judah, and it was all either of them could do to keep from laughing. “Judah, is that true? Are you so deprived you’ve suffered brain damage?”
What bliss it would be, to blurt out the truth. To let Noah know that for once, he had it all wrong!
But Judah couldn’t say that. He didn’t dare.
Noah would take it okay, he was sure. After enough jokes, he’d enjoy the news. But Liam?
You can’t date your friends, what are you thinking?
It’s not dating, he argued back in his head. It’s much simpler than that.
“Oh no,” said Judah, his arms suddenly giving up, and if Noah hadn’t been right there to help, he might’ve dropped Alex right on his ass.
“Whoa there!” Noah said, and they helped Alex down onto his good foot.
“Glad that happened up here rather than on the stairs,” Alex said, shooting Judah a mischievous look.
“Come on, I’ll help you down too, if you guys are insistent on looking at the damn things,” said Noah. “Judah, get under his right arm, I’ll take the left.”
Which was not what Judah had wanted.
The idea of bringing Alex down here all alone had a certain appeal. The lions were something that linked them—Alex’s adventure down here when he was a kid, Judah’s own connection to them—and it was a link he’d wanted to explore, to talk about, to think about…alone. Alone with Alex.
But he had to admit, it was a lot easier descending the stairs with Noah’s help.
“Anyway,” Noah was saying, “you know all Thaddeus is going to come up with, is another chapter in the big fight between the two families. The lions will have been stolen from the Mulgrews at some point, or, I don’t know, they were a big gay present from Grandpa Mulgrew to Grandpa Cooper back in the olden days…”
“Get this,” said Alex, “Thaddeus also said I should know that Judah is…what was the term he used? A big deceitful liar? Something like that.”
“Our Judah? A liar?” said Noah.
Judah started to pause halfway down the stairs before realizing he’d lose his grip on Alex if he didn’t keep moving. “What did I lie about?”
Alex shrugged, which was a bit of a feat with both guys holding him up. “He just likes being dramatic and mysterious.”
They reached the bottom of the stairs, and Alex got his crutches under him. Judah glanced over at Noah. All right, go on.
Noah looked back, his face blank but friendly.
Judah raised his eyebrows meaningfully. You can go now.
Noah blinked.
Judah pointedly looked Alex’s way, and raised his eyebrows again. I want some time with Alex. Get on.
Noah squinted and shook his head in confusion.
Judah deflated. He jerked his thumb back up the stairs: Go!
“Are you trying to give me some kind of signal?” Noah asked. “I don’t understand what you’re doing with your eyebrows. Do you have an itchy spot on your forehead?”
Alex laughed. “I think he knows you won’t appreciate the lions the way he does.”
“Well, that’s true,” said Noah. “For a minute there I thought he was trying to get the two of you alone for nefarious purposes. Don’t let him jump your bones while you’re down here all alone!”
At least the humiliation grew a bit less with every laughing step Noah took back up the stairs, and Judah felt the blood stop rushing to his face.
But it wasn’t until the basement door clicked shut that he could breathe again.
“So,” he said to Alex. “Come with me.”
17
Alex
“Oh my god,” Alex said, feeling himself weirdly transported back to childhood. “That’s them. They’re… They’re so much smaller than I remember.”
He moved into the small storeroom and, with help, knelt next to one of the statues.
They were amazing. He’d had nightmares for weeks about these things, but now that he was an adult, there was something almost silly about the seriousness and dignity of their leonine scowls. He put his hand in one’s mouth, feeling the bronze fangs, fearing for one split-second that maybe he’d been right as a kid, these were real monsters, and the lion would snap down on his hand with an audible crunch—but of course that didn’t happen.
“I love them so much,” said Judah. “Everyone else says they’re horrible and ugly. But to me, they’re beautiful. They represent… I don’t know. I’m no good with this sort of thing. I’m not a poet or anything. And I don’t care about art. Why do I like them so much?”
“Why can’t you just like them, with no explanation?” He moved to the lion’s flank, feeling its scales and its smooth planes, careful not to knock his cast against the wall behind him.
“You clearly haven’t spent your life reading genre fiction.”
The lions almost reminded him of clockwork, as though someone had slightly melted down the gears and shafts of some mighty brass church-clock, and out of that melt had emerged a ferocious monster made of time itself. But Judah had said something interesting, and Alex looked up over the lion at him. “What?”
Judah said, “It’s just, if you read things other people don’t like, that other people don’t take seriously, you’re always having to explain yourself. Like, a billion people went to see the Avengers movies, but if anyone catches you with a comic book, they’re like, why on earth would you read that, that’s for children. People love rockets and robots and monsters in movies, but the moment they see you’re reading a book based on the same ideas, they think you’re doing something pointless with your time.”
Alex pushed himself back up to his feet. “You know what it reminds me of? You know H. G. Wells, right?”
Judah snorted. “Author of The Time Machine? Author of War of the Worlds? Yeah, I might’ve heard of him.”
Alex brightened, and leaned against the closest lion. “What you might not know is that this very influential early science fiction writer was also good friends with my favorite
writer, Henry James. James was much older, and, it has to be said, an absolute snob. He really believed in the divide between high art and low. Wells made fun of him in a book you probably haven’t read, called Boon, casting him as a writer so removed from the world that there was no real substance to his work. James, naturally, freaked out about this, and in a series of very wordy letters, tried to tell him off. But to this day I remember Wells’ reply, let me see if I can phrase it exactly right: To you, literature—like painting—is an end, to me, literature—like architecture—is a means, it has a use. And I’ve always liked that contrast. I think it’s reflected in readers, too. Some people want a book that simply exists, that can be read and sunk into and admired for itself. Other people want a book to get somewhere. They want a particular kind of story, a particular kind of outcome. It’s not that one is better than the other, people just want different things.”
“And when people want different things,” added Judah, “they can’t wait to judge the people who don’t want the same thing as them.”
“There’s that, too. People do seem to get a certain joy out of telling other people they’re doing things wrong.”
Judah patted the head of the lion closest to him. “Case in point, my brother. He says it’s ridiculous that I like these things, that I want them on display.”
“Yeah, but that’s what brothers are for. You can love them, you can be closer to them than anybody in the world, but the minute you disagree on something, you’re right back to punching and scratching, like you were five years old again.”
An absolutely deceitful liar. Those were the words Thaddeus had used to describe Judah. Were they so untrue? The man who stood before him looked so open, so honest and innocent, that it would be hard to accuse him of lying.
Unless he were lying to himself.
Telling himself that the things he liked, the things he wanted, were lesser than the things everyone else wanted. Like he’d begun believing what other people had told him.