by Rachel Kane
Judah blinked. “I actually know that feeling. That’s how I feel all the time. Liam always says I’m really good at technical things, less good at people things.”
Alex wrinkled his nose. “That’s silly. Look at you. You’re great at people things.”
What was this strange little hope that grew, like a tiny seed whose first leaves burst from the ground in a beam of sunlight? Judah hardly dared breath, lest he ruin the moment. “I…I am not, actually,” he said, but put as much good humor into it as he could. No sense in scaring the compliment away with a burst of self-defeat.
Alex said, “You have this image of yourself—and, as much as I respect Liam, I think he has reinforced this—as a kind of loser. A geek who never really connects. I’m telling you it’s an illusion, Judah. You’re connecting all the time. Look at the friends you’ve made in town. Look at me, at…” And here Alex blushed. “Look at us.”
Talk to him.
Tell him how jealous you were when Ian showed up.
Tell him how you feel.
The alcohol seemed to give him bravery. He could do it. He could talk to Alex. Could tell him everything. He just needed a second to figure out how to say it.
“Alex,” he said, “there’s something I need to say, and I don’t know how you’re going to take it, and maybe it’s the wrong time.”
His friend’s eyes focused instantly on him, and Judah had the strangest feeling that they had suddenly become the only two people in the room. That everyone else at Toady’s had simply faded away, leaving only Alex and Judah alone in the void…together. Was that a flicker of hope he saw in Alex’s eyes? Was it some acceptance, as though Alex already knew exactly what he was going to say?
He opened his mouth to speak the words that were on his mind, on his heart.
“Oh my lord!” came a voice from behind him. “It is a world of coincidences, the kind that I’d never be able to use in my mysteries, readers would just not accept it if Inspector Kestrel happened into a bar and saw the very person who had been on his mind! Bastian, look who it is! It’s Alex and…and…”
“Judah. My name is Judah.” It came out as almost a whisper.
23
Alex
“I hope you don’t mind if we join you? This is such a strange turn of events!” crowed Ian, pulling out a chair.
Bastian looked less happy to be here, but sat on the other side of the table.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” asked Alex. “Judah, don’t you have some big important chef cooking, back at the house?”
“Why yes,” said Judah, his eyes wide at these interlopers. “Chef Xander has prepared a delightful four-course repast—”
“Chef Xander may be quite skilled, but come now, we can get haute cuisine anywhere, can’t we Bastian?” Ian didn’t wait for a reply. “When in Rome, eat as the Romans do, as I always say. And drink as they do too. We were going to a little diner we saw on the way back from your shop, Alex, and then I saw this bar and realized it must be little Toby’s place! So we had to stop in and see, perhaps have a drop of an aperitif! And here we are!”
“Here you are,” agreed Alex in a flat, despairing voice.
Judah had been about to say something. Something important, judging from the grim look on his face. I don’t know how you’re going to take it, and maybe it’s the wrong time.
That could’ve meant anything. Alex’s heart didn’t know how to interpret it, but it was thumping madly in his chest, as he went over the memory of just a moment ago, Judah’s serious expression.
Maybe it meant, I’ve decided we have to stop sleeping together.
Or maybe, I want more, but I don’t know how to ask for more.
Probably not the second one, right? Judah wouldn’t be so nervous about that…if anything, these recent days had given him a lot of practice in asking for what he wanted, because Alex had been pretty generous about doing anything he could come up with.
Surely you know that’s a sign, right? Even if we can’t talk about it? I really like you, Judah. Like…a lot.
“Now, I’ve come to some decisions,” said Ian, dragging Alex’s attention away from Judah. “Bastian and I have been talking to Liam Cooper, your brother, Judah.”
“Yes, I’m familiar with Liam,” Judah deadpanned, and Alex had to keep from snickering.
“The one thing Superbia Springs needs is publicity,” said Ian. “And, as it turns out, that’s something you need as well, Alex. So we were thinking—”
“Of a book signing,” said Alex. “Liam mentioned that.”
Ian practically danced in his seat. “Exactly. Wouldn’t it be lovely? Wouldn’t it be grand? Your little store doesn’t get very many people, I’m afraid. It needs the help. But if I—and you have to understand I say this with deepest humility—if I, the internationally bestselling author, were to grace your store with a signing party, why, people would come from all over the southeast to see me! And they would buy your books. So many books. Delightful, isn’t it? Bastian, tell them how delightful an idea it is. No, wait, Bastian, look, here we are with no drinks, why don’t you run up to the bar for me? I’ll have a grapefruit and gin.”
Wordlessly, Bastian rose from the table and left.
“Between the three of us, I’m not entirely sure this is the place for Bastian,” Ian confided. “He’s the sort of bird who likes to spread his wings, you know? He prefers the urban environment. If there’s not a skyscraper around, he absolutely panics! And I’m not speaking figuratively, you should see the pills his psychiatrist has him on, the poor dear gets so afraid. What’s interesting about his psychiatrist is that he originally studied to be a psychoanalyst in the Freudian mode, but after a year-long sabbatical in Nepal—”
Alex said, “Ian, look, I hate to say this, but you don’t have to have a book signing at my store. I do fine. I’m not really set up for the entire southeast to come in.”
“Nonsense! I’m here, you’re here, it’s the obvious solution.”
“Solution to what? There’s no problem!”
“No problem! Dear boy! Judah, darling, you’re a successful businessman, tell him.”
“I am?” said Judah.
“Of course you are. Explain to Alex how much he needs publicity.”
“Alex…does…okay?” Judah said in a wavering voice, before picking his drink back up and finishing it. “He has customers all the time.”
Ian sighed melodramatically. “I swear, you’re as bad as he is. Alex, this is your chance to be on the map, darling!”
“Do I want to be on a map? What’s the map? Why is there a map?”
Bastian returned with drinks, including refills for Alex and Judah, and Alex gratefully took his.
This was bewildering.
It reminded him of how wrong Ian had been for him. Because it had been like this all the time.
Half the reason the breakup had hurt so much was because Alex had tolerated days, weeks, months of this eager, nonstop encouragement, until his head rang like a bell. And then suddenly Ian found someone else, and there was no reward at the end of it; no gold sticker that said Alex had been a great guy for sticking it out.
Save me, he thought to Judah, as though they might have some telepathic link. But Judah looked as lost as he felt. In fact, Judah seemed to have shrunk a little in his chair, his eyes traveling from Ian to Bastian and back.
He looked insecure. Fidgety.
Don’t worry about these two! Alex tried to think at him. But Judah couldn’t hear him.
“Now, Judah,” said Ian, “tell us all about yourself. A man like you, running a place like Superbia Springs, you must have all kinds of stories! I was telling Bastian, whoever put that house together had an eye for the classically artistic, if you see what I mean.”
Judah looked like he was hoping a hole would open up beneath him, so he could just drop into the floor and never be seen again. “I…um…well, a lot of the art choices didn’t come from me. I’m more on the technical side of things
.”
“Aha, the mastermind! The brains behind the operation! You know, Bastian has been thinking about going into computers at some point. He tells me, and you will not believe this, that there is an expiration date on models, and that he wants to have a career outside of fashion at some point! Isn’t that right, Bastian? Now, I’ve told him that with his bone structure he would have no problem modeling on into his forties, but he’s always been so practical, which I’ve admired immensely, you do need someone practical in your life, don’t you? And Alex, not to bring things back around to you, but I’ve always thought that’s what you needed, someone with a good head on their shoulders, someone who could solve all your problems while your head was in the clouds!”
Before he could answer, possibly embarrassing everyone at the table, especially himself, a buzzing came from across from him. Judah looked down at his phone and paled. “Oh…I…should go. Liam. He needs me.” The phone continued buzzing, as message after message arrived. “Um, wow. Yeah. Angry guy, my brother.”
“Maybe I should hitch a ride back,” said Alex, “and prop my foot up for the evening—”
“Nonsense!” said Ian. “You must show us the town! What about this diner that I pointed out to Bastian, should we have a meal there? You know how we love living on the edge! Judah, darling, so good to see you, give your brother our best, we will return tonight and experience the luxuries of Superbia Springs!”
Alex reached out a hopeless hand at Judah, like a drowning man trying to reach a life preserver, but whatever Liam had been yelling in IMs had gotten Judah to rush out, and he hardly looked back at Alex at all. Just once or twice before the door closed, did he stare at Alex, again with that unreadable expression.
What were you going to tell me?
Was it good…or something bad?
“You two are the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen in this place!” said Renee, waitress and proprietor of the Red Cat Cafe. “No offense to you, Alex, but I’ve seen you already. Where have you been keeping these two?”
“Listen to your voice, you’re like a southern angel, darling! You remind me of Leontyne Price in her prime, just that mezzo purr of yours,” said Ian. “Have you ever sung? You should be on stage, really.”
Renee looked away shyly, the first hint of shyness Alex had ever seen from her. “Oh, you know, I sing a little at church—”
“An angel, like I said!” Ian took a menu from her greedily, while Bastian took his more carefully, as though the laminated surface was sticky. “What’s good, what’s the special, what shall we have, dears?”
“I’ll let you boys think about it a moment,” said Renee, raising her eyebrows at Alex.
He shrugged and grinned at her, the grin of a man in dire pain who isn’t allowed to show it.
“You’re holding up remarkably well,” said Ian, still studying his menu.
“I assume you mean me,” said Alex.
Ian glanced over the top of the large laminated sheet. “You’re getting around in your cast, you don’t seem to be suffering. Are you putting a brave face on it, though? Are you suffering?”
You bet I am.
“I’m okay.”
“Meds are working all right?”
He shook his head. “I’m trying not to take anything stronger than ibuprofen.”
“Tsk. Don’t be brave, you know. When Bastian pulled his hamstring on that photo shoot in Bermuda, we found a nice doctor who set him up with some extremely effective painkillers, ones you simply won’t find in America. He was asleep for a week, but rose at the end of it good as new!”
“Well, I work,” said Alex, “so I can’t take off a week.”
Pills. Pills had already gotten him into trouble once, hadn’t they? Well, it hadn’t exactly been trouble. He’d blurted out a vague attraction for Judah, and sure enough, now they were…involved. Somehow. He wasn’t sure how.
Earlier he’d wished Judah would stick around and save him from this, but was it possible Judah was put off by Ian? Had Ian overwhelmed him, the same way he overwhelmed everyone else?
Worse, had Judah looked at Ian and thought, what kind of guy was Alex, to have been in a relationship with him? What if he thought Alex actually needed help all the time? What if he thought Alex was completely incapable…the way Ian had thought?
Toby had insisted Alex get his head clear, but honestly, his head had been nothing but muddled for days.
On Renee’s return, Alex started to order his usual burger, but then thought it might be too messy, and god only knew what Ian would do if Alex spilled ketchup on his shirt; buy him a new wardrobe, perhaps? So he stuck with the baked chicken (“Baked?” Renee asked skeptically), while Ian told her Bastian would have a large black coffee. “And for myself,” Ian said, “I will have the grilled fish with rice, the greens—I note you do not specify what kind of greens, but I’ll assume they are something quite southern!—a cornbread muffin—cornbread, Bastian, look at me, I’m eating local!—and a sweet tea. Oh my. A culinary adventure!”
Renee, for the first time in her life, looked speechless, and she shot another look at Alex, who smiled hopelessly up at her. “I’ll get that right in for you!” she said, and hurried away to the kitchen. Hopefully she wasn’t going to call Vidalia to tell her all about Alex’s dinner guests.
“My question to you,” said Ian to Alex, “is whether you have enough Inspector Kestrel mysteries for a signing.”
There were, in fact, plenty of them on the shelf, because Alex always tried to steer customers away from them, so he wouldn’t have to think about Ian. “I have some, sure.”
“Some. Well. We’ll just have to order more. Can you do that for me? How long will it take?”
With a feeling of growing horror he said, “From my supplier? Two, three days?”
“Splendid!” said Ian. “Bastian, do you hear that? Three days in this lovely town! There is so much to explore! So much to enjoy!”
But Bastian looked at Alex, over his cup of coffee, with pure murder in his eyes.
Alex shrugged at him. He’s your boyfriend, what can I do?
24
Judah
Judah had felt frantic that night, being called away from his conversation with Alex. There were so many things to say, even if he couldn’t figure out what they were at first, even though he knew he’d have to really think them through while saying them, and that would take time. Thanks to Liam, he didn’t have that time. There was no big emergency, Liam just thought all the staff—family included—should be available for dinner service, and he wasn’t nearly as angry in person as he had sounded via text. If anything, he’d seemed a little sympathetic. I know you were with Alex, but I’m just saying, give him room to sort things out, don’t rush in to help. Listening instead of helping, right?
He’d nodded at Liam, although what he really wanted to say was, sometimes someone needs to listen to me, too. Sometimes Judah himself had something to say.
He’d been on the verge of blurting things out to Liam then and there, but suddenly there were guests to attend to, and he’d spent the evening in his suit and tie and his professional smile.
Alex must have come through later, after a bushed Judah had thrown himself into a deep and dreamless slumber, because he never saw him that night, and this morning, Mason mentioned that Alex had already caught a ride to the bookstore.
“With Ian?” Judah asked. His heart had snaked its way up into his throat, cutting off his air.
“I’m actually proud of Alex,” said Mason. “I know he bears a lot of ill-will towards Ian for the way they broke up, but he’s handling it. I was worried he might start a fight—which, honestly, he’d be well within his rights to do—but no, he’s actually going to do this book-signing that Ian suggested.”
“We’re going to need lots of photos,” said Liam. “Lots of proof that Ian stayed here with us, and more importantly, that he enjoyed the stay. This is going to be huge for us.”
Every minute that Alex was around Ian, he was go
ing to be reminded of all the things Judah was not: Blond, chiseled, traveled, perfect. How could he compete with that?
The work day dragged. There were no major bugs that took up his attention today, nothing to sink into to make the time pass, just an endless series of minor tasks while wearing the fake smile. He constantly thought of texting Alex, but that seemed too forward.
Too forward? You’re sleeping with him, I think you’re allowed to text him.
Yeah, but Alex was busy. Busy with real things, too much so for Judah to bother him with the chattering insecurity going on in his head. Judah didn’t really rise to the level of an emergency or anything.
Life Goal: Be Someone’s Emergency.
He’d been hoping to see Alex after the bookshop closed, but then there was dinner service again (didn’t these rich people ever stop eating?) and finally, at the end of the day, Judah was back in his room, carefully hanging up his suit, when there was a familiar sound in the hall, step-click, step-click.
“Are you exhausted?” asked Alex. “You look tired.”
Judah closed the door behind Alex and sat on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t realize that owning a resort would be quite this much work. You should see Liam. He’s a zombie this time of night.”
“Mason’s working the desk, I saw.”
“Liam decided we’re on rotating night shifts. Fortunately there wouldn’t be much to do, the kitchen’s closed by that point, but these people, Alex! Their endless need for towels! What are they doing that requires so many towels?”
Alex shuffled over to the bed and awkwardly sat, keeping his leg straight. “I’ve been on this damn thing too much. It’s going to kill me tomorrow.”