by Rachel Kane
“Whoa,” said Mason.
“Yikes,” said Noah.
“Damn,” said Liam. “Yes, we’re clear. Although where this attitude is coming from, I don’t know.”
“If I didn’t know better—” started Noah.
“You don’t know better,” snapped Judah.
Liam rose from his desk, walked over to the study door, and closed it. “Do you mind telling me what’s going on here? Because I’ve obviously missed something.”
“I’m here,” Judah said, “I’m ready to do all my chores. There’s no problem. That’s what I’m here for, right? Making everybody’s lives easier?”
But his eyes were hot and his cheeks were on fire, his hands balled into fists, and he hated it. He didn’t want to show even a shred of emotion right now, especially not in front of Liam. But trying to hold it all back just put it under that much more pressure, until he felt like he was going to explode. He had to get away. He had to figure this out on his own. He had to—
Noah put his hand on Judah’s arm. “Talk to us.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
The hand tightened. “Don’t make me beat it out of you.”
A laughable image. Noah was the smallest man in the room. Yet he had said it with utter seriousness.
Judah shook his head. “It’s too stupid. I can’t talk about it. The humiliation alone would kill me.”
He couldn’t help but notice the looks passed around between the three men. The sympathy.
Gross.
“Is this about a guy?” Mason asked quietly.
Judah, his eyes wet, shook his head and nodded at the same time. “Yes. I don’t know. Kind of. Not really. It’s everything in my life. I don’t want to talk about it.”
But now it wasn’t just Noah’s hand on his arm; Mason was reaching over too.
“If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then we have a lot more tasks to go over,” said Liam.
“Jesus, Liam, your brother is clearly hurting,” said Mason.
Liam scoffed. “It’s not a guy. Judah doesn’t have a boyfriend. Where would he meet anyone? When would he even have time? We’ve been so busy—”
Judah wasn’t the only logical one in the family, though, and he could see as the pieces fell into place inside his brother’s mind.
“Oh hell,” Liam said.
“What’d I miss?” Noah asked.
“How long?” Liam asked, with the clarity of understanding that came from knowing someone their entire life.
“Not long. Not long enough to feel like this.”
“Someone want to fill me in?” asked Mason.
Liam opened his mouth, then shook his head. “It’s your story,” he said to Judah.
“Alex,” was all Judah could say.
“Alex?” said Mason and Noah in unison.
“My Alex?” asked Mason.
“It does make sense,” said Noah. “They’re both such nerds. And Judah did mention having a crush on him. Remember how uncomfortable that was?”
“But that’s great!” said Mason. “If anyone in Superbia is right for Alex, it’s you! I can’t believe you didn’t tell us…wait. Wait, did you break up? Is that why you’re sad?”
The whole story tumbled out of Judah in hitched breaths. The accident, the way he’d found Alex lying on the floor of the apartment. How wrong it had felt to be attracted to him…and how right it had felt.
“Our little Judah finally got laid,” Noah breathed. “I’m going to require all the filthy details now, please.”
“I can’t believe you managed to keep it a secret,” Liam said. “We see you practically every second of the day.”
“It was hard,” said Judah, “but we weren’t sure how real things were, you know? We were just friends, and it seemed like it made more sense not to talk, but then the longer Ian stayed—”
“I’m about ready to throw that guy out of town,” said Mason.
“What does Ian actually have to do with any of it?” asked Liam.
That’s when Judah reached yesterday’s conversation…and the break-up, if that’s what it was.
“He’s leaving town? Ian’s going to buy him a bookstore…somewhere else? Somewhere unspecified?” Liam looked confused.
“Violet fucking Mulgrew,” groaned Noah. “I thought she was out of our lives for good.”
Again it was Mason who ignored all the outer trappings of Judah’s story, and focused on him. “God, Judah, that’s terrible…for both of you.”
“I can’t believe I fucked up my very first relationship,” said Judah. “I’m so stupid.”
“It can’t have been too serious, as briefly as Alex has been here,” said Liam. “Hearts do mend, you know.”
The look Mason gave Liam was baleful. Noah clicked his tongue and turned away.
“What?” said Liam. “Guys, we have work to do.”
Judah started to get up and walk away. It probably would’ve been for the best. Liam was right, it was stupid to think that a real, normal relationship was something Judah could have. That’s not how life worked for people like him. You don’t just magically get a boyfriend and stay happy. Mostly you don’t get a boyfriend at all.
But Mason grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the chair. “Sit.”
“Why?”
Mason shook his head and turned back to Liam. “Babe, you need to apologize.”
Liam blinked. “About what? We are busy. We can’t afford the time we’re spending with this conversation, let alone whatever tomfoolery Judah’s gotten up to with Alex.”
“Lord help us, he said tomfoolery,” said Noah.
“It’s fine, Mason,” said Judah.
“It’s not fine. It. Is. Not. Fine.”
Something in the big man’s voice made them all sit very still. Mason was a gentle giant…but a giant nonetheless, and when he wanted to be heard, he was heard.
“Look, the point of bringing Superbia Springs back to life wasn’t so we could all be stressed out over a business. It was about family. Getting us all under one roof, so we could spend time together doing something worthwhile and interesting. Liam, I’ve watched you get meaner and meaner around Judah, and it’s getting under my skin.”
Liam, looking perplexed, said, “Maybe we should discuss this privately…?”
“It was one thing when you told Judah he couldn’t have the lions up here. I agreed with that. It’s going to be a project, a big one. But I’ve watched you shut him down every minute of the day…and now, when he’s sitting there broken-hearted, you’re all, time to get to work boys. No. It’s time to be a family. Work can come second.”
“But he’s not broken-hearted, he can’t be—”
Judah cleared his throat. “Because I’m your little brother and that doesn’t fit in with your picture of me. I get it. But I’m not five anymore.”
“You act like it, with your head in the clouds, your books and your games, I mean, who plays video games at your age?”
Noah scowled. “Like…millions of people. Literally millions. It’s a huge industry. I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are, and I agree with Mason. You’re being rough on Judah.”
Liam’s eyes searched his brother’s. “Judah, tell them I’m not being too rough. Am I?”
Judah shrugged and looked away. “It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Alex is gone, I fucked it up, and now I’ll straighten my tie and go to work.”
“How does it bother you so much?” Liam asked. “You only knew him—”
“I’ve had a crush on him since the minute I met him, okay? I told you that. And when we finally kissed, it felt like the first real thing that ever happened in my life. Alex is funny, he’s smart…he needs people, even though he constantly thinks he doesn’t, and there’s something about taking care of him that…that…”
He didn’t mean for his breath to go away again, his voice to get hitched in his throat, but suddenly there weren’t any words in there anymore.
/> His brother leaned forward. “I didn’t know.”
“How could you know? You’ve been too busy to notice anything. We don’t even talk anymore, except about the resort.”
There was a long silence, punctuated only by Liam’s quiet nod.
“You’re right. Even Roo has noticed it. She’s antsy these days, won’t take her nap. I get it.”
“I would’ve told you guys right away what was happening,” said Judah, “except…well…with everything going on, and with Alex and me not knowing how serious it was, it just seemed to make sense to keep it a secret. But now it’s over, and it hurts so much more than anything should ever hurt.”
Mason and Liam looked at one another, their hands reaching across the table to clasp. “I know how that feels, when it seems like everything is lost,” said Liam.
“Yeah, particularly when Violet Mulgrew is part of the cause.”
“That does it,” Noah said, reaching for his phone. “I’m calling Dalton. He can bring his army of lawyers in here to help Alex.”
“I’m not sure Alex would want that,” said Judah. “He likes to solve everything himself.”
“How’s he going to do that?” Noah asked. “He’s not really going to trust Ian to move him somewhere, is he?”
What could Judah say? “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. He has his own life, and I have mine. I don’t get a say in it.”
“Do you want a say in it?” asked Liam.
Judah thought for a moment.
Was he allowed to say yes? What were the rules of normal people? Wasn’t he supposed to let Alex go, and let his heart bleed for the weeks or months it took to feel better? And then where would he be, just spending the rest of his life waiting to find someone who made him feel the way Alex did?
“I want him to stay,” said Judah in a very quiet voice. “I want another chance with him, without Ian or Violet around to complicate things.”
One of Liam’s hands still gripped Mason’s hand, but his other reached out to grab Judah’s. “Then that settles it. We’re going to figure this out.”
“But…how?”
Noah laughed. “We’ve got a little practice getting relationships back together, don’t we?”
31
Alex
All things considered, the pills had not done nearly enough for him, especially since he had to walk down the stairs this morning, and then, realizing he’d left a few things in his bag by the bed, had to slowly, carefully work his way back up those same stairs. By that point he was ready to throw himself out the window, if it meant getting back to the store more quickly, without walking.
The pain just made everything worse, especially when he saw how his store was being rearranged for tonight’s signing. He grimaced in Ian and Bastian’s direction—Ian was advising, while Bastian and some men from the resort were moving tables around, making lots of space in the center of the room, putting out chairs…it frustrated him, seeing his store changed like this.
It’s for a good cause, he reminded himself. Customers would come in, and he’d earn a little money, and then he could talk to Ian about solidifying the plans for a move.
If indeed that’s what he decided to do.
Maybe it wasn’t.
It is impossible to make decisions when my entire body hurts.
But the physical pain wasn’t the worst of it.
Not at all.
This morning he’d woken up with a fuzzy mouth, desperately thirsty, and he wanted to make a joke about how the pill had turned out to contain one of those sponge dinosaurs he used to see in the gumball machines as a kid, where when you put them in water, they suddenly swelled up, though never as vast and majestic as you might’ve hoped…but when he turned over in bed to tell Judah, he’d discovered he was alone, and the whole prior day came crashing down on him, like a building collapsing directly onto his heart.
I certainly fucked that up.
But what else could he have done? Invited Judah to run away with him? When he had his huge mansion to take care of? When all Alex could offer was…well…himself?
“I think this is going to be wonderful,” said Ian, his back to Alex, studying how the room was progressing. “We’ll have the catering set up there and there—we’ll have to move all those books off the display there—”
“The Problematic Faves?”
“They’re hardly faves, darling, it looks like none of them at all have sold. But the champagne fountain will go perfectly there.”
“Champagne? God, Ian, how much are we spending on this?”
“You have to spend money to make money, dear.”
“But…”
“Bastian! Bastian, don’t strain your back, let these young men pick up that table!” Ian went running off.
Is that how they looked, Judah and Alex, when they were together? Ian and Bastian were a power-couple…but were they happy? He had hardly seen Bastian smile once since they’d gotten here. Was that because supermodels don’t generally smile? Or was it because Ian was wearing on him, the same way he ground Alex down?
Was that just what happened with relationships, did people eventually grind one another down? Would he have done that to Judah after a while, insisting he read better books, watch better movies, wear better clothes?
No, because Judah is perfect just the way he is.
Then what was the problem?
His mind kept going in these circles, even after Ian and Bastian were done, and the chairs were in place, and the store would now be absolutely unusable until the reading was done tonight.
“If you’ll excuse us,” said Ian, “I always require a regimen of naps and hydration before a reading. We’ll see you tonight.”
Bastian gave him an unreadable look as he left. What had that been? Sympathy? Anger?
He was so deep in thought that he didn’t realize time had passed, not until the bell over the door rang again.
“My, my, have you decided to turn your little shop into a storefront church?” Thaddeus Mulgrew gracefully stepped around the chairs, like an old cat wending its way around table-legs. “You didn’t tell me you’d taken to preaching. God, you look terrible. Is it alcohol, or a man?”
“Do you have alcohol?” groaned Alex. As he’d been sitting here lost in thought, the pain in his foot had grown steadily worse. All that stair-climbing had hurt him.
“I always keep a small supply on hand for emergencies,” said Thaddeus, and sure enough, he pulled a small silver flask from his breast pocket. “I hope you like gin.”
“Thaddeus, you’re a cliche, but I love you,” Alex said, downing a couple of hefty, eye-opening swallows.
“You are in some agony, if you need that much,” Thaddeus sniffed, taking back the flask and giving it a little shake. “I’m going to have to top this off when I get home. So why don’t you tell me your news, before I tell you mine?”
“You have news? About Violet?”
He blinked. “Violet? What does my sister-in-law have to do with anything?”
“Other than…everything? She’s kicking me out of my store, Thaddeus. You know that.”
The older man’s eyes narrowed. “I did not know that. Now why would she do such a thing? She’s an evil woman, our Violet, but her evil usually has a point. It’s not random.”
Alex started to point at the Problematic Faves section, before remembering it wasn’t there anymore. “She’s on her homophobic shit again. Saying I’m trying to convert the youth of this town.”
“Twaddle,” said Thaddeus. “Everybody knows you don’t have to do anything to convert a Superbia boy to the gay side. They jump on the gay bandwagon like bandits on a stagecoach. There’s something in the water, I think.”
“Nonetheless, she’s shutting me down. But if you didn’t already know that, why are you here?”
Thaddeus replaced the flask in his pocket, but now drew out a slip of paper, folded twice over, and set it carefully on the counter, like it was something rare. “Your lions. Remember the h
istorical mission you sent me on?”
Oh fuck, Judah’s lions. It was like something crushing his heart all over again.
He couldn’t hear this. Not right now. A couple of days ago, he and Judah could have lain in bed while Alex relayed Thaddeus’ news. But now? Now, when even thinking of Judah caused him a sort of longing, gnawing ache that brought tears to his eyes? When his every thought was tinged with guilt?
“I appreciate it, Thaddeus, but I’m not sure I’m up to it right now.”
The older man considered this. He touched the folded paper on the counter. “Not ready to cause more drama between the families?”
“Believe me, if all it involved was drama, I wouldn’t care. But…”
A look of unaccustomed tenderness came into Thaddeus’ eyes. “Tell me about it, boy.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Now don’t sit there and shake your head all sadly and tell me it’s nothing. I’m twice your age and three times your sophistication, and I can tell when a man is in pain. Spill it.”
Alex pushed himself back from the counter, the casters of his chair squeaking. “I got involved with someone. Then my ex came back to town.”
“Ah, the old second-thoughts, I hear you.”
“No, no, it wasn’t like that at all! My ex coming back made me worry. Like, was I just manipulating this guy I like? Was I using him to get my ex off my mind?”
Thaddeus shrugged. “What are men for, but to occupy your mind?”
“He deserves better than that. I have all these feelings, but I ran him off, I just…” Alex hung his head in something that felt like shame. “I think I hurt him, Thaddeus.”
“So this wasn’t a little fling. A little one-nighter.”
“It was supposed to be easy, no-strings, but…”
“But strings happened.”
“So many strings,” agreed Alex.
“You like this boy?”
“More than anything.”
Thaddeus was many things. Aloof, louche, superior. It was possible to enjoy having him around for brief bursts of his conversation, but the idea of being close to someone like Thaddeus would never have occurred to Alex. He wasn’t the sort of man who got close to people, always keeping that ironic distance, that remove.