by K. L. Slater
I searched online for Sunbeam Lodge and it looked anything but bright and sunny in the photographs. I also found an online newspaper report dated two years earlier, describing how the place had been under investigation for neglect and narrowly avoided being closed down. If Amber’s poor mother is there, it looks as though she has a sad and miserable existence.
Yesterday, after calling at Ben’s, I drove down to the park in the hope that I might see Fiona. The weather was dull and drizzly and I kind of knew she wouldn’t be sitting there in her usual place on the bench, but I had to at least try, to apologise again.
I’d insisted that Fiona came back to the house with me and I felt responsible for the awful experience she had to endure, courtesy of my husband. During his feed, Hank felt so vulnerable and comfortable in my arms and Henry somehow managed to violate that warm maternal feeling I’d enjoyed so much.
I force myself to push thoughts of Fiona’s broken life away, at least for now.
Downstairs in the kitchen, after a first, essential cup of tea, I begin the early preparations for lunch.
I make Ben’s favourite, cauliflower cheese, so it’s ready just to pop in the oven. I’ve decided to include Henry’s first choice: mustard mash. Josh’s preferred roast parsnips will make an appearance and then it will be Noah’s choice for dessert.
‘Plenty of nice duck-fat-roasted potatoes, too,’ I murmur to myself, smiling in anticipation of the sour look that will no doubt settle on Amber’s perfectly made-up face. Saturated fat will be the least of madam’s worries if my Sunbeam Lodge investigation comes up trumps.
Henry puts in an appearance about nine, mutters a cursory ‘good morning’ and makes himself a bowl of cereal. Half an hour later he disappears into the garden in his overalls without saying anything further.
I let his grouchiness go over my head. Nothing is going to spoil my precious time spent with my grandsons today.
I pace myself throughout the morning, not doing so much that I get flustered, and I manage to keep any worrying thoughts at bay by thinking of Noah and Josh. They’ll no doubt be bubbling over with everything they’ve got to tell me about their week, there’ll be another intricate robot toy to inspect, and I simply cannot wait.
When they arrive, I’m ready. I’m dressed, my hair is neat and I’ve even put a bit of lipstick on. The house is sparkly clean, and aside from the last bits of veg to chop, all the food is prepared and most of it is already in the oven.
‘Hi, Mum, Dad,’ Ben calls brightly as he steps into the hall, followed by a subdued Noah and Josh, who slip off their shoes without a word.
Amber stands on the tiled step outside, watching them.
‘Heavens, I’ve never known you two boys be so quiet,’ I say, trying to brighten my voice. ‘Are you feeling OK?’
‘Yes,’ Josh says, and Noah nods silently.
Something doesn’t feel right. I hold my arms out, and as Amber steps inside, both boys lean into me, one either side. I pull my arms in and hold them close.
‘Hello, Amber,’ I say.
For a few moments it feels like Ben and Henry are both holding their breath to see how things lie between the two of us.
‘Hello, Judi,’ she says, taking off her shoes and avoiding my eyes. ‘How are you?’
I open my mouth to answer her, but Henry beats me to it.
‘Oh, we’re very well, Amber dear,’ he booms, far too enthusiastically. ‘It’s so lovely to see you again. To see you all again, isn’t it, Judi?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘It seems like forever since we last saw the boys.’
‘Noah, Josh. Straighten your shoes, please,’ Amber says shortly. ‘You’ve already kicked them halfway across the hall.’
‘Oh, that doesn’t matter.’ I hug the boys to me. ‘We’ve more important things to do than tidy shoes, haven’t we, scamps?’
Josh grins and nods up at me. But Noah stiffens slightly and looks at Amber.
‘Fine then,’ Amber sighs. ‘If your nanny is happy with that, then it’s fine.’ She turns to Ben. ‘Just popping up to the bathroom.’
She disappears upstairs. I glance at Ben, who opens his mouth and closes it again. I feel like waiting at the top of the stairs to make sure she doesn’t sneak into any of the bedrooms.
‘Come on, chaps, let’s have a catch-up in here,’ Henry whispers conspiratorially to the boys, and winks at Ben.
Noah and Josh follow Ben and Henry into the living room and I return to the kitchen to finish everything off for lunch.
My heart feels full, my step is light and I want to sing from the rooftops that my grandsons are here. I don’t give a toss about upsetting Amber bloody Carr.
Just a couple of minutes later, Ben sidles into the kitchen. I look up from chopping and smile at him. ‘You know, it really doesn’t matter if there’s a bit of mess in the hallway when the boys are here, love.’
‘It doesn’t hurt to make them think about being a little tidier, though, Mum.’ He tucks his chin to his chest and widens his eyes at me.
‘I know, I know. I’m too soft on them.’ I grin. ‘I’m hopelessly guilty of loving them to bits.’
‘Mum, could you just leave the food for just a moment and come into the living room, please?’
‘What?’ I stop draining the potatoes and look at him, suddenly ridiculously afraid of what he’s about to say. ‘I can’t … I mean, can it wait until—’
‘Please, Mum. I just need a few minutes of your time. We’ve got something important to tell you.’
45
Judi
I set the saucepan down with a clatter. My heart is already pounding and I suddenly feel very hot.
I’m vaguely aware of Ben gently taking my arm and leading me into the hallway, where Amber flashes me a wide, smug smile and disappears into the living room ahead of us.
When I step into the room, Henry and the boys are in there waiting with beaming smiles, and Amber herself hands me a glass of champagne.
‘Mum, Dad, Amber and I, we want to tell you the most amazing news.’ Ben nods, and Amber steps forward and raises her left hand, wiggling her third finger at me. It sports a solitaire diamond ring. ‘We’re engaged! I proposed to Amber yesterday … and, well, she said yes!’
‘And then we went to the zoo!’ Amber squeals, spinning around in glee, and little Josh jiggles and grins widely, looking up at me.
‘Well now, that really is splendid news,’ Henry declares, raising his glass. ‘To Amber and Ben. Congratulations, you two!’
I watch as they all clink glasses, sipping champagne and smiling at each other. Their voices sound muffled, as if I’m underwater and watching events around me unfold in super-slow motion.
‘Engaged to be married?’ I hear myself whisper in the midst of the din.
‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ Henry slaps Ben on the back and kisses Amber on both cheeks. ‘Welcome to the family, my dear.’
‘Thank you, Henry.’ She flutters her long lashes, and then the room falls silent and I become aware that everyone, even the two boys, is waiting for my reaction.
‘You’re officially engaged?’ I say slowly, putting down my glass. ‘So … soon?’
‘We’re not in our teens, Mum.’ Ben winks at Amber. ‘We’re old enough to know that what we have is real.’
‘We both feel very lucky, Judi,’ Amber simpers, leaning into Ben. ‘And there’s not just us to consider; there’s the boys, too. It’s so important to their stability that we become a proper family unit. That’s why I had no hesitation in saying a big fat yes when Ben proposed.’
Ben beams at his new wife-to-be.
‘How long have you been planning all this?’ I manage to ask.
‘I’d been thinking about proposing for about a week,’ Ben says, looking at his father. Henry opens his mouth to speak and then falters. He won’t look at me and it suddenly clicks why that is.
‘You knew.’ I narrow my eyes at him. ‘You knew they were going to do this.’
‘Not until a
few days ago,’ Henry says quickly. ‘I mean, Ben rang to say he was thinking of proposing and to ask if I thought you’d be OK with it.’
‘I didn’t feel I could tell you beforehand, Mum,’ Ben mutters, looking at the floor. ‘I would’ve loved you and Dad to have known, but I realised that probably wasn’t the best thing, considering.’
‘Considering what?’ I snap. ‘Considering I would’ve told you to slow down and not be so utterly reckless as to rush into something so important?’
‘It’s a shame you feel like that about our happy news, Judi,’ Amber says quietly. ‘It was all very low-key; we had a little celebratory lunch with the boys and then we went to the zoo. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to do.’
‘I bet it did,’ I mutter, looking at Ben.
‘Come on, love.’ Henry picks up my glass of champagne and pushes it at me again. ‘Be glad for these two young lovebirds, eh?’
I look at the boys. Josh is smiling, but Noah is po-faced. He doesn’t look over the moon at their news either. I meet Ben’s eyes and see his immense happiness and his silent pleading for my acceptance.
‘Congratulations,’ I sigh, grudgingly taking a sip of champagne. ‘I can’t deny it’s a shock, but I do hope you’ll both be very happy.’
‘Thank you for your blessing, Judi.’ Amber smiles and leans forward to give me a peck on the cheek. ‘We’ll definitely all be very happy. I’ll make absolutely certain of it.’
46
Judi
After another five minutes of feigning good wishes and clinking glasses, I can’t bear it any longer. I make my excuses and get back to the kitchen before the food is all but ruined.
As I begin to chop the final vegetables, I get the strangest sensation. I feel as if I’m standing back watching myself go through the motions, detached from the awful reality of the mistake Ben is making.
The Ben I know, the sensible boy I raised, has been replaced by a rash, gullible fool who can’t see any further than the end of his nose. Amber Carr must have counted her blessings the day she met him.
Nothing I say, nothing I tell him makes the slightest bit of difference, and time is running out because soon they’ll be married. But I thank my lucky stars I found that Sunbeam Lodge card. Desperate times lead to desperate measures, and in that moment, I resolve to use anything I can to get through to my son and bring him to his senses.
I turn at a shuffling noise behind me and see that Ben is watching me from the doorway. He smiles and his face is animated, joyous. I can see how happy he is with this person, this virtual stranger, who has changed the dynamics of our family in record time.
‘Thanks, Mum.’ He kisses the top of my head.
‘For what?’
‘For … well, you know, not having a hissy fit when we told you our news.’
‘Well, you’ve gone and done it now, Ben,’ I say tersely. ‘It’s a bit late for lectures, however much I’d like to give you one.’
‘Yeah, I know. It was a crazy thing to do, I admit it. But it felt like a good craziness, if you know what I mean. We’re so happy together, you know, Mum. All four of us.’
‘Dare I ask, have you planned the wedding yet?’
‘Not yet. We don’t want to wait long, though,’ Ben replies, his voice upbeat. ‘And it’s easier because Amber doesn’t want any fuss, just something nice and simple.’
And as quick as possible, no doubt.
‘Pass me the other chopping board, will you?’
‘Amber thinks Noah might have ADHD,’ Ben says casually, pinching a raw carrot baton from the small pile I’m building.
‘What?’ I take the chopping board and frown at him.
‘Noah. Amber thinks he might suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.’
‘I know what it stands for, Ben.’ I see enough kids with the condition at the surgery. ‘I just wonder how on earth she’s come to that highly unlikely conclusion. She’s only known him for two minutes.’
My face flushes as Amber appears. I didn’t see her at first, skulking back there in the shadows of the wood-panelled hallway.
‘I’ve noticed that Noah finds it very difficult to keep on task with anything, Judi,’ she says, reaching for Ben’s hand. ‘And he doesn’t always listen when he’s spoken to.’
‘He’s eight years old!’ I laugh, thinking this must be a joke. ‘All eight-year-olds are like that.’
‘Actually, no they’re not.’ Amber looks at Ben.
They step aside to let Henry through. He puts his empty glass on the side and chirps up, unhelpfully, ‘I’m sure Amber knows what she’s talking about, dear. Best leave it to the experts.’
‘With respect, I know what I’m talking about too. Everyone seems to have forgotten I managed to raise two sons without them ending up in therapy or gorging themselves silly on junk food.’
‘Oh come on, Mum,’ Ben sighs. ‘Nobody’s saying that. Please don’t start, not today.’
Amber lets go of his hand and steps forward.
‘Times change, Judi.’ She’s speaking slowly, as though I’m senile or stupid. Or both. ‘Through research, we know much more about child development than when Ben was young.’
‘Oi, how old do you think I am?’ Ben nudges her in mock outrage and they share an intimate giggle.
I can’t smile. My face feels twisted and frozen.
Henry and Ben are both looking at Amber like she’s the damned Oracle or something. But she is far from the font of all knowledge, and I, for one, am not letting her get away with preaching such nonsense in this house.
‘Noah is like every other eight-year-old I’ve ever met,’ I say tersely, turning to the sink when I feel my eyes unexpectedly prickle. ‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. Nothing at all.’
‘Well, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no harm in getting him checked out,’ Ben replies lightly. ‘Do you need us to lay cutlery out or anything, Mum?’
I whip round.
‘What’re you talking about, checked out?’
‘A behavioural therapist,’ Amber supplies in clipped tones. ‘I have a contact through work, she’s very good. Early intervention is the key with these conditions. If Noah is found to be suffering from ADHD then the medication can be very effect—’
‘Are you completely crazy, the two of you?’ I pull a china cup out of the bubbles and smash it down onto the draining board. Thin dribbles of blood form between my fingers and quickly ooze down my hand and forearm.
‘Oh!’ Amber exclaims and turns to Ben with wide eyes.
The boys run into the kitchen and stop dead in the middle of the room.
‘Nanny’s cut herself,’ Noah calls out in alarm.
‘For God’s sake!’ Henry grabs a hand towel from the side and thrusts it at me. ‘Wrap it up to stem the flow so we can see how bad it is. What on earth were you thinking of?’
47
Judi
‘I’ll deal with this, Dad.’ Ben steps towards me and gently wraps the cloth around my bloody hand.
I can’t speak at first. I’m shocked by the mighty pull of the twisted barb that runs through me like a relentless undertow.
Ben tears off some kitchen towel from the roll on the side and dabs gently at the two small cuts now visible in the thin skin between my fingers. He is surprisingly attentive. ‘They’re not that deep,’ he says, looking back at Amber.
She walks over and peers down.
‘You’ll survive,’ she says blankly. ‘It’ll stop bleeding soon, just keep pressure on it.’
She steps back again.
‘I’m sorry.’ I look up at Ben, my eyes shining. ‘I didn’t mean to break the cup.’
‘It’s all right, Mum,’ he says soothingly. ‘You’re tight as a drum at the moment. You need to find a way to relax.’
‘I’ve been trying to get her to see Dr Fern,’ Henry tells him pompously. ‘But she won’t have it.’
‘I am here, you know,’ I snap. ‘And last time I checked,
I was still quite capable of making my own medical appointments, thank you very much.’
Henry grumbles under his breath and rounds up the boys, following Amber out of the kitchen into the other room.
‘There’s nothing wrong with Noah, Ben,’ I whisper. ‘Please, just this once, listen to me. You could do him more harm than good getting these so-called experts involved. Don’t believe everything Amber says, even if she is your fiancée now.’ Just saying the word makes me feel bilious. ‘I can’t explain it, but don’t listen to her.’
‘All right, Mum,’ Ben says in a soothing voice. ‘Try and calm down. Forget about it now and let’s have a nice family lunch together. The boys have really missed you.’
I remove the paper towel and see that the cuts have almost stopped bleeding. I stick two small plasters over the awkwardly placed slashes and Ben helps me get the vegetables boiling on the hob. A few minutes later and we’re ready to go.
As I carve the meat, I push my concerns about Noah away, refusing to waste another second worrying about Amber’s influence. She might soon be his wife but she’s not Ben’s keeper, and surely he’ll have the sense now not to get therapists involved.
I carefully set aside Noah’s portion, making sure I include the slightly charred bits he loves the best. Amber will not win when it comes to the welfare of my grandson. I will not stand by while she has him studied and prodded by some self-appointed therapist who’ll determine whether to attach an ADHD label that could affect him for life.
Love conquers all, and so long as my motives are pure, I have nothing to fear from Amber’s judgement or anyone else’s, and that includes Henry and Ben.
All that matters right now is spending time with my family and doing anything I can to show Amber up for the devil that she is.
‘Apple pie!’ I announce as I carry in the home-made dessert.