by K L Hughes
“Christ, J, that was one time,” Leigh said, laughing, “and it was only because it was a last-minute flight and first class was already full. And you’re suit got wrinkled because you were hung over and slept through the whole flight. You drooled on that guy beside you, remember?” They both broke into a loud chorus of laughter at that, which made Leigh feel infinitely better, allowing her to slip away from the frantic mess inside her brain to the outside world again, the place where she was an extremely successful, confident, grown woman, not the shy, questioning, outcast kid she’d been once upon a time.
“There she is!” Leigh heard her mother’s voice say as she and J rounded the corner, exiting the secured portion of the terminal. She waved at her mom and sister as they practically skipped happily over to her, their matching ebony hair shining beneath the fluorescent lights overhead. She wrapped her mother up in a warm embrace, breathing in the familiar smell of coconut shampoo, her usual perfume, and that twinge of something that had always been entirely her mother. The smell was comforting, washing over her and easing the tension from her muscles. She noticed that the woman was already crying. She always did when it had been a long time since they’d seen each other.
“Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you,” her mother said, as she framed Leigh’s face in her hands, giving her a big kiss right on the lips, the way she’d done since Leigh was a child.
“Thanks Mom,” Leigh replied, blushing a bit. “So, you read it?”
“Of course, I read it!” her mother said, playfully smacking Leigh on the arm.
“Well, what’d you think?” Leigh asked expectantly, shooting a glance over to her older sister who was squeezing J tightly and commenting on his attire. Leigh smiled watching the two of them. J and Jessica absolutely loved each other; in fact, Leigh had spent too many nights in the city with her drunken best friend and her drunken sister gossiping like old church wives and annoyingly calling themselves “J and J” or worse, “J-squared.”
“Oh honey, I thought it was so good,” her mother said, stressing the words, her twangy accent coloring the compliment with familiarity. “But—”
“But what?” Leigh asked, her mother’s words now capturing her full attention.
“Oh Lord, here she goes,” Jessica said, rolling her eyes as she stepped over to hug her sister. Leigh had always wished she could be closer to her sister. They’d always had such a wonderful relationship, and she’d even asked Jess to move out to the city and live with her on more than one occasion, but Jessica, like so many others from the tiny town Leigh dubbed as Hell, was married to that place. It wasn’t necessarily that she didn’t want to leave. It was always more that leaving seemed impossible. It had seemed impossible when Leigh left. Growing up in a town with a population barely topping two thousand where you know every person in every house on every street (and are related to over half of them), you develop inside a bubble, and the mere thought of popping that bubble to venture out into the world is so terrifying that you would rather limit yourself than grasp any fragment of opportunity. Leigh still had hope, though, that her beautiful sister would someday come around and take her up on her offer.
“What, Mom?” Leigh pushed her mother to spill whatever it was she was holding back.
“Nothing, sweetie, it was just a little…well, graphic, that’s all.”
“Graphic? Mom, the only sex in the whole book takes place in a character’s dream, and it isn’t even that involved!”
“I know, honey, I know. It just surprised me. You are my baby after all.”
“Yeah, Mom, I know.” Leigh patted her sheltered mother on the back as they all headed toward the sliding doors to the parking lot, laughing at her mother’s comment.
****
“…the way the wind captured her voice like an ashen storm and sent it spiraling into me, embedding in my skin, soaking into my pores, crawling down my airway, and leaving me torturously breathless. She left me there, the fragile, fallen leaves spiraling around my feet as my body refused to move. I felt my heart fracture in my chest, webbed cracks and crevices spreading across the muscle like glass when feverishly licked by a blaze. She was gone.”
Leigh closed the book slowly and quietly, pulling off her black-framed glasses to look up into the crowd as she finished her reading. She scanned each face furiously, seeking out the one she both feared and somewhat secretly hoped to find, but it wasn’t there. Her heart jumped and fell in the same instant. Tears shone in the glassy eyes of her audience, mostly women, who began to clap for her as she nodded her appreciation and stepped down from the podium to take her seat at the signing table. She took a moment to stare at the large poster framed on an easel behind her. It was the cover of her book, dark and brooding but with bits of light breaking through. It was breathtaking. Her cover artist had done a phenomenal job portraying the emotions of the book. The title, Fracture, was etched into the top of the poster, made to appear as if the word were embedded in cracked glass, and then there at the bottom of the poster—“LM Hale” in an elegant, crimson-colored font. It stood out beautifully, and Leigh loved every bit of it. She still couldn’t believe how quickly this had come together. How much of a success her book had already become. It was surreal. It was a dream.
As her three hours wound down, the last person waiting in line stepped forward and placed her book on the table. Leigh glanced up, the same stir of fear she’d felt over and over throughout the last three hours fluttering in her chest before looking into each face and realizing it wasn’t her, and thankfully, neither was this woman. She had seen a few people that she used to know from college, but nothing of the woman who’d tormented her dreams for years and decorated the pages of her now booming success of a book. She was glad for that. There were times when she ached to see her face again, just once, but most of the time, she knew it was for the better that they no longer knew each other. She had grown up, become a different person. She’d been through more in her twenty-eight years than most people experience in a lifetime, and she was the better for it. She’d become strong, impossibly strong and willful, though something in her told her that seeing her first love again would only break her spirit, sapping away every ounce of her strength in a single glance. She’d be helpless.
Chapter 5
*One Year Later*
The sound of the audience clapping loudly for her as she stepped out of the back room at the sound of her name sent anxious heat soaring across her skin, that familiar blush rising up her chest and cheeks. The music bumped as she waved to the crowd and playfully danced her way over to the waiting guest chair. Leigh’s stomach rocked and rolled beneath her tight white tank-top and cream-colored sweater as she embraced, for the first time, a woman she had always admired, but whom she’d never in her wildest dreams imagined she would ever meet.
“LM, sorry, do you go by LM or is that like a penname?” Ellen asked as she casually patted Leigh’s knee, the two women sitting across from each other.
“It’s my initials. I just liked it better for the cover, but no, I go by Leigh,” Leigh tells her, both of them laughing a bit.
“Oh yeah, I tried to go by initials once, but people kept asking me what kind of a mother would name her daughter Ed, so I just went back to Ellen.” The crowd roared with laughter as did Leigh. They went through the interview, laughing and playfully patting each other. They had an easy, friendly rapport from the start as if they’d known each other for years, but then again, Leigh was like that with everyone—well, everyone she liked and respected. People just sort of gravitated toward her. It had been that way her entire life.
“So, you’ve written this incredible book,” said Ellen, holding up a hardcover copy of the book for the audience to see.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, and I mean that. It really is incredible. I laughed, I cried, I drooled on it a bit. I loved it!” Ellen continued, making everyone laugh even harder.
“You? You should have been there when I wrote it!” Leigh joked loudly,
pulling a riot of laughter from both Ellen as well as from the audience. “I’m just sitting there furiously tapping at the keyboard, eyes bulging and bloodshot, sixty cups of coffee strewn around my desk, talking to myself, saying, ‘No one in their right mind is going to believe that I wrote this!’” Another burst of laughter.
“Ah, speaking of, I have to ask—where did the inspiration for the story come from? It’s just; it’s so raw, if you know what I mean.”
“Ha ha, yes I completely understand where you’re coming from,” Leigh nodded her head in response to Ellen’s question. “Well, to be perfectly honest, the majority of the book is based on my own personal experiences in my late teens and young adulthood.”
“Wow, really, so the events in the book actually happened to you?”
“Mostly, yes. I deviate here and there, but mostly, yes, the events are accurate with what took place in my own life. My first love,” Leigh playfully let out an exaggerated sigh. “And before you ask,” she added, “yes, I am a lesbian, and damn proud of it.” The audience cheered and clapped and laughed at her statement of pride.
“Wow, really? I never would have guessed after that, that you were a lesbian,” Ellen replied sarcastically before adding, “I am too, you know,” She bugged her eyes out playfully at the audience as they all feigned surprised and laughed cheerfully. “Yes, yes, it’s true. I am a lesbian. Few people knew, but now I guess…I guess now all of you do.” The audience’s laughter took a long time to die down before Ellen, much to Leigh’s delight, shifted the focus of the conversation.
“Alright, well Leigh’s book, Fracture, is available in bookstores everywhere and online,” Ellen said, showing the book to the audience again before turning back to Leigh, “but that’s not all. I hear there’s a movie deal in the works, is that right?” The audience cheered and clapped again. Leigh felt the heat of her blush rise up her chest and warm her cheeks and ears as she smiled and laughed as the audience cheered.
“Yes, that is true. The film has actually already been cast, but the names are being kept private for now. You won’t have to wait long, though. I imagine that information will be released within the next few weeks.”
“But, as I understand it, you’re allowed to give us at least one of the cast members, today, is that right?” Ellen asked, while the audience waited on baited breath for the name of the actor who would be playing one of the characters from a book that many of them had grown to love and adore.
“That’s right, but are you sure you can handle it?” Leigh teased.
“I don’t know. What do you all think? Can we handle it?” Ellen asked the audience, who responded with a resounding yes and a burst of clapping.
“Alright, alright, well, you’re looking at her!” Leigh says, motioning a thumb toward her chest to indicate herself. The audience went wild, cheering and clapping, and Leigh even heard a few wolf-whistles break loudly through.
“Wow!” Ellen said to the response of the audience. “They’re excited about that! I’m excited about that! Will you be playing a lead role? Have you ever acted before?”
“Yes, I actually got my Bachelor’s degree in Theatre Performance, but honestly, I felt and the producers felt that there was really no other person that could get into this character the way that I could, which makes sense considering she’s based on me, but I still auditioned and everything for the role. So, I guess that answers your question. Yes, I am playing a lead—Ana.” This time, Leigh was ready for the cheers and the clapping. It spread through her chest like a warm welcome, one she hadn’t ever dreamed possible, but was receiving all the same. It was a truly incredible feeling.
“Which is still shocking to me,” Leigh said, “considering the fact that Ana’s character is only seventeen. I thought it was a stretch, because I’m twenty-nine now, but apparently, I look really young without makeup, and we have some wonderful makeup artists working with us who manage to make me look even younger. So, I think it will translate very well on camera.”
“Yeah, I wish I could have one of those makeup artists around to make me look younger every day,” Ellen responded, eliciting another round of laughter.
“Don’t we all,” Leigh agreed with a light chuckle.
“Well, wow, that’s fantastic. Congratulations on getting the part and congratulations on the book, which has been a huge success,” Ellen said, patting Leigh’s knee.
“Thank you. I really appreciate it,” Leigh replied, before motioning toward the audience, and adding, “and thank you to all of you for reading the book and supporting it!”
“Alright, well, thank you for being here today. I loved having you here, and you’re welcome to come back whenever you want,” Ellen told her, which planted a growing smile on Leigh’s lips. Her dreams were shockingly spiraling into reality, one right after the other. It was all so incredibly overwhelming that, at times, she would pinch herself in an effort to wake herself up, convinced that she would come to any second and realize that she’d only been dreaming, living it all inside her own mind. All she managed to do though was give herself a small bruise where she’d pinched the skin. This, everything, it was all very real.
****
*Twelve Years Earlier*
“I think that I’m in love with you,” she said, her words coming out in a strained whisper, the terrified expression on her face making Leigh’s heart ache. Leigh felt that familiar tickle in her stomach and at the base of her spine that she’d always felt when she was around the blonde, older woman. She’d kept that tickle, that familiar flutter to herself for so long, even after she’d admitted to Beth that she was gay a few months earlier. Acceptance of a lifestyle was one thing. Acceptance of a teenager’s adult feelings for you was quite another.
A slow, growing smile spread across Leigh’s full lips as the sensation of complete and utter surprise mixed with elation bubbled up from within and overwhelmed her until she was in a full-blown fit of laughter. Beth sighed heavily and dropped her head into her hand, covering her face as her cheeks turned a bright and brilliant red. How could she be laughing? LAUGHING!
Beth reached over and smacked the younger woman’s arm. “I’m trying to be serious, and you’re laughing at me!”
Leigh quickly clamped her mouth closed and forced herself calm, choking down her own laughter so that she could reach over and pull the beautiful blonde woman’s face between her palms. She looked into the woman’s cerulean eyes and did her best to convey the entire world of emotion inside her in that one single, perfect gaze, before she finally spoke.
“I have loved you since the moment I met you, and every time I see you, my breath catches in my throat and my heart beats madly in my chest. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but I was afraid that you couldn’t love me—that you’d see me as just a kid and not someone you could ever really fall for. So, I wasn’t laughing at you, B. I was laughing because there’s nothing anyone could have ever said to me that would have made me happier than you just have. I’ve waited a long time to hear you say that you love me. I love you, too. I always have.”
****
Leigh was glad to be home again, snuggled up in her own bed with J, watching a movie. They’d been bouncing all over the country and even out of the country a few times for months now, and it was nice to finally be able to fly back to the city and crawl into her own bed, her best friend at her side. She knew it would be a while before she would get to do this again, considering she’d just had to turn in her letter of resignation with CPC due to her being cast in the film adaptation of her novel. She’d have to move to Los Angeles for the duration of the filming, which could be anywhere from a few months to over a year, so she’d made an agreement with CPC to resign, and if she wanted to come back after filming, they’d make a place for her, no questions asked. She was satisfied with the agreement, so she typed up her letter and emailed it to her boss, before heading back to her studio where J had been waiting for her with a copy of Sixteen Candles and a veggie pizza. Heaven.
; “I can’t believe you’re going to be in a movie,” J said quietly, effectively pulling Leigh’s attention from Molly Ringwald’s ginger locks. “My best friend is going to be in an actual movie, that I can watch in an actual theater, that I can buy on an actual DVD…a movie based on a book that my best friend actually wrote, based on her actual life.” The look on his face was one of pure dumbstruck astonishment, which made Leigh laugh, reminding her of the moment when that reality had truly sunk in for her just a few days before. She’d been in the bathroom at the airport in Miami where they were waiting to board a flight back home, and it just hit her. Like a freaking freight train.
“Holy shit!” she’d said loudly from her bathroom stall, before clamping a hand over her mouth and realizing that she was in a public restroom and people could actually hear her. She let the insanity of it all sink in and shock her over and over. She cried, she laughed, and she jumped up and down while she washed her hands. She panicked momentarily at the prospect of re-enacting memories she’d often wished she could forget, but then quickly reminded herself that it wasn’t real. It was just a movie.
“Right?” she said to J, the question more of an agreement than an actual question. He nodded, still staring blankly at the television screen.
“You’re going to be an actual movie star,” he said, reinforcing his own realization.
“Actually…” Leigh said slowly, which knocked J from his trance, causing him to look at her questioningly.
“…What?” J prompted her to finish her sentence.
“Oh, nothing, I just wanted to say actually considering you’ve said it about fifty times in the last two minutes.” J whacked her with a pillow, as they both busted up laughing. Then, since they were in the privacy of Leigh’s home and allowed to drop their typically classy and poised composures, they both grabbed each other’s hands and squealed like little girls, their excitement over the reality of Leigh’s success pushing them over the edge of rationality and straight into childish abandon.