by K L Hughes
“Really?” Beth asked, swallowing the lump that had been building in her throat.
“Really,” Leigh assured her, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on the blonde’s lips.
Chapter 14
It was official. J was ignoring her. Leigh rolled her eyes as the ringing suddenly cut off and J’s voicemail recording began. His smooth voice spilled through the speaker into Leigh’s ear and made her heart ache. He hadn’t spoken to her in six days. She’d called every day, multiple times a day, and yet he refused to answer her calls. She missed him, not to mention the fact that this entire thing was just getting ridiculous.
“You have reached the voice-mailbox of Jared Patel. Please leave your name, number, and a short message, and I will return your call at my earliest convenience. Thank you.”
Leigh let out a long sigh before answering after the low-toned beep. Sarcastically, she said, “My name is Leigh Hale. My number is one, as in first on your speed dial, and my short message is that I love you. That’s all you should need to know.” The phone beeped again as she pressed the End button and wiped a quick tear from her cheek. She grabbed her black pea coat and headed out the door of her studio, heartbroken and angry all at the same time.
When she walked into the coffee shop, she didn’t have to scan the crowd long. She quickly picked Beth out of the small throng. Her blonde head poked above the top of a book in the far corner, her legs stretched out in front of her on the small leather, espresso-colored couch. Leigh walked over to where her lover was sitting, and waited for the older woman to smile and move her legs aside, before plopping down on the couch beside her.
“He still won’t answer?” Beth queried, though she could tell from the soured expression on Leigh’s face that the answer was obvious. The two women had spent the last six days together, and to Beth, every second of it had been pure bliss, though she knew that Leigh was really upset about her fight with J and the fact that he continued to ignore her.
“No,” Leigh snapped. “Obviously, he’s being incredibly mature about the whole thing.”
Beth laughed at the sarcasm, but Leigh merely dropped her head into her hand and proceeded to rant under her breath about her best friend’s behavior. After a while, the brunette finally raised her head, reached over for Beth’s coffee, and took a long drink. She smiled softly at the warmth and the rich flavor of the dark liquid. She did her best to silence all her frustrated thoughts and focus on her current company. Leigh looked up into the beautiful, brilliant blues of the woman she’d spent the last six days with, and her entire body responded to the smile that stretched the blonde’s lips in response. Beth had always had that effect on Leigh, which after nearly fifteen years, was rather impressive.
Despite her anger and hurt over J’s avoidance of her, Leigh had thoroughly enjoyed the last six days with Beth. She’d taken the blonde on a grand tour of the city, making sure to hit most of her favorite spots, from all her favorite museums and exhibits to her most frequented clothing shops to her most beloved eateries and more. It had been a thrilling experience to see the city anew through the older woman’s eyes. They’d both grown up in an achingly small town, and Beth had spent her entire life there, and even after she’d come to the city, she’d never allowed herself time to explore and really experience the place. It had been a culture shock for sure, but she hadn’t been able to delight in the experience until Leigh unraveled the red carpet and showed her just how flashy and fascinating the city could be. The experience had been wonderful for both of them.
“You know, you don’t have to pretend to read a book just to look more natural sitting in a coffee shop alone,” Leigh joked, nudging Beth playfully and thumping the cover of the hardback book.
“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious,” Beth said dryly, nudging Leigh back with her knee while she stuck her tongue out at the brunette. They interacted with each other so naturally. It was almost as if they’d never been apart, as if they’d spent the last twelve years together and knew everything there was to know about each other. It equally delighted, shocked, and worried Leigh. She wanted to let her heart love Beth openly, to let her back in, but she couldn’t help the fear that dominated her dreams and for the most part, her waking hours as well.
“I’ll have you know that I was actually reading,” Beth said playfully. “It’s practically all I’ve done for the month I’ve been here. I spent basically every day in this shop, and reading is just about the only thing available to pass the time when you’re alone.”
Leigh narrowed her eyes as she teasingly sized up the blonde. “Hmm, I guess there’s some truth to that,” she continued joking. “So, okay, let’s just say you actually have been reading. Then, what’s the book about?” The brunette dropped her jaw in a mock a-ha! moment as she continued to tease that her lover had only been pretending to read in an attempt to look cool. They both laughed at that, though each shushed the other as heads turned in their direction at the sound, eyes glaring over the top of computer screens and books.
“Nice try,” Beth said with a smirk, “but I’ve got you there.”
“Damn,” Leigh said with an exaggerated sigh, as she relaxed into the couch, draping an arm over Beth’s knee to rest it lightly across the blonde’s stomach. “So, what’s it about?”
“It’s pretty good, actually,” Beth told her, quickly getting drawn into talking about the book she seemed to really like. Her face lit up as she talked, her hands moving in a comfortable rhythm as she rambled on about the book absentmindedly. “It’s about this housewife in the 30s. She wants desperately to be a writer, but it’s the 30s, you know, and so, few women even consider, let alone actually attempt to work outside the home. Not to mention the fact that her husband is a complete ass. He beats her and sleeps with other women, and yet she continues to stay with him. She has to write in secret, late at night after he goes to sleep or between chores during the day while he’s at work. It’s sad, but it’s a good story. I just hate that she continues to stay with the guy. I mean, come on. People never really change, right? I mean, once a cheater, always a cheater. Once an abuser, always an abuser. Once a housewife, always a housewife. Once a coward, always a coward. I mean, the list goes on. How ignorant can the woman be?!”
Leigh listened to Beth go on about the book, and the words burrowed beneath her flesh. People never really change, right? Leigh felt the large lump soar up her throat and come to an abrupt halt just at the back of her tongue. She fought back the wave of nausea as everything, Beth’s words and her own realizations, slammed forcefully to the forefront of her mind. Oh God, Leigh’s brain screamed at her as she fought back a second wave of nausea, what am I doing?! Her mind was a blur, her thoughts hitting her so forcefully that she thought she might pass out. She flashed back to her past, the pain of watching Beth walk away from her, of feeling the tight, clenching ache in her chest as she’d sworn her heart was literally breaking.
Beth had come blazing back into her life like an asteroid, nearly thirteen years later, blasting through the defenses she’d built and leaving a crater in her soul that she knew only the blonde would ever be able to fill. It had always been that way with her, and as much as Leigh wanted, as desperately as she desired to hold onto this, to hold onto Beth, her fear washed over her like an icy rain. Beth’s words sank into her, and she realized that the woman was right. People never do change. They want to. They try, but are they ever successful? Her father certainly hadn’t been. Neither had any other person she’d ever been harmed by, even herself.
Leigh stood shakily, refusing to look in Beth’s eyes as the blonde noticed her movements and asked if something was wrong. Her breathing had become painful and ragged, and her vision blurry. She thought for a moment that she might black out, but she managed to grasp onto reality, barely. “I can’t…I can’t do this,” Leigh said, struggling to find her voice, which came out in a whisper. “I can’t. I shouldn’t. You-you’re right. People can’t. People don’t change. I loved you once, but I—you…you’ll hurt me. I ca
n’t. I-I’ve got to go.” She pushed away Beth’s hands as the older woman stood to grab onto her. She could hear the blonde voicing concern, could hear her questions, though everything sounded like a distant echo, like Beth was a thousand miles away from her rather than a foot away from her face.
“I don’t understand. What’s wrong, Leigh? What is it?” Beth begged her to stop and talk to her, but she could tell by the glaze over Leigh’s eyes that the brunette was no longer with her. She’d seen that look a million times when the younger woman had been a teen. When someone brought up a topic that stirred negative feelings or brought back tragic memories, like that of her grandmother’s death or her father’s emotional abuse, she would retreat into her mind. Her eyes would glaze over as she pushed herself as far from the feelings as possible. Beth stopped pulling, stopped begging, and stopped touching. She backed off, knowing it was what the brunette needed, and then she watched as the love of her life stumbled recklessly from the coffee shop and took off in a run down the sidewalk.
She dropped heavily back onto the sofa, her entire body in shock from the last ten minutes, in which she’d gone from a comfortable, funny conversation with her lover to the younger woman panicking mid-conversation and practically running away from her. What had she said? What had she done? “You-You’re right. People can’t. People don’t change. I loved you once, but I—you…you’ll hurt me.” Beth thought about the words over and over, and suddenly it clicked for her. She’d been talking about the book, about how people don’t change, and never even realized that to Leigh, she might have been describing herself. Oh God, Beth thought as hot tears began to spill down her cheeks. What have I done?
****
“My name is Leigh Hale. My number is one, as in first on your speed dial, and my short message is that I love you. That’s all you should need to know.”
J sighed and wiped away the tear that had managed to creep out as he listened to the heartbreaking tone of his best friend’s voice. He was no longer ignoring Leigh’s calls out of anger. Oh, he’d been angry, all right. The first few days after walking into his best friend’s studio and finding the blonde woman from her past laying naked in her bed, J had been beyond angry. He’d been furious, and it hadn’t just been the woman’s presence or the fact that Leigh had been foolish enough to allow it. It had been the argument that had taken place between he and Leigh. He’d only been trying to protect her, to look out for her as no one else in her life had ever done, and yet, the things she’d said to him in response. The way she’d told him to stay out of her business as if he had no right to be a part of her private life, as if he hadn’t been the only person for the better part of the last decade to support her, to love her beyond her past and now present pain, as if he hadn’t been the biggest part of her life, or as if she hadn’t been the biggest part of his. How could she have said those things, those hurtful things?
Now, though, J ignored her calls out of shame, out of guilt. He hadn’t given her a second glance or even a chance to explain as he’d stomped out of the studio and effectively cut her out of his life, ignoring her calls and emails and attempts to visit. Nothing had ever come between them before, and he hadn’t even made an attempt to understand why she would allow this woman whom had only wrecked Leigh’s life before, to just show up out of the blue and do so. So, after he’d taken a few days to cool off, a few days of heart-wrenching voicemails from his best friend, J had curled up in his bed with Leigh’s book, and dove into it for the third time. He needed to understand, and he knew that if the answers were anywhere, they were in that book.
“…because loving someone is never easy. You give a portion of yourself up. You give away a piece of your soul, and you hope that you will be given a piece of theirs in return. That’s what it means to love someone—your family, your friends, strangers. It doesn’t matter as long as you’re sincere.
But to love a person as I loved her—that is a true sacrifice. To love someone like that, you have to willingly plunge a fist into your own chest. You have to tear away at your own heartstrings and pull that throbbing, purple mass from within its quiet chamber, and then offer it freely. You don’t ask for anything in return. You don’t even hope for it. You just make the sacrifice without looking back. You endure the pain, because you know that every aching sob ripped from your throat, every anguished plea of your body to stop its self-inflicted evisceration, will be worth the end result—knowing that you gave it your everything, that you dove headlong into the darkest, most terrifying abyss, and you never once regretted the second your feet left the ground. You can’t question it, love like that, because once it takes you, all you can see and all you can feel is that the bloody, ragged, breathless mess you’ve become is the most beautiful you could ever hope to be, and all you can fully understand is that you would do it again. You would do it over and over and over again.”
Wow, J had thought, his voice stunned into silence beyond that one exclamation. The first two times he’d read the book, back when Leigh had first given him the manuscript, J had fallen in love with the elegance of the brunette’s writing, with her masterful ability to weave together a truly touching and riveting story. He’d never fully absorbed, though, the raw honesty of the text—the way his best friend’s soul literally painted the pages in black and white. Now, though, having watched her struggle through the publication and the recounting and now the return of the woman she’d written so beautifully and tragically about, he could feel her alive in the words—so much more than ever before. The effect was overwhelming, and in that instant, J realized that he’d made a mistake.
Beth may have made some poor choices in the past that had hurt his best friend beyond what words could ever really express, but J knew that he probably would have done the same thing had he been in her situation. He hated to admit it, but he understood the fears that constantly kept people in the closet and that kept people from love. And what Leigh and Beth had…it was beyond love. He saw it that day outside the coffee shop. It was the way they looked at each other, the way the air thickened around them, growing electric and alive even after twelve long years. It had shocked J, sent chills riveting across his flesh, but he’d shrugged it off, and he thought it was because he was doing the right thing. He thought he’d been protecting Leigh, and now he realized that he’d been holding her back from what seemed to be sheer fate.
J sighed as he finally deleted the voicemail after listening to it over again nearly ten more times, trying to decide if he should call and apologize or just continue to wallow in his guilt. Just as he was about to give in and call his best friend, though, the phone in his hand jingled the arrival of a text message. He opened the message from Leigh, knowing this time that he’d finally allow himself to respond, but what he read sent his heart tumbling into his stomach.
“I ended it with Beth. Left her at the coffee shop. It’s only a matter of time before she hurts me again. I should have listened to you. I’m sorry. Please, don’t shut me out anymore. I feel like I’m falling apart.”
Chapter 15
J jumped out of the cab in front of Leigh’s building, tossing a twenty at the driver without waiting for change, and sprinted to the door. Once he made it inside the building, he jabbed the elevator’s call button repeatedly until he heard the gratifying ding! He unleashed the same assault on the eight-button once inside, and waited impatiently, bobbing on his toes, for the damn contraption to take him to where he needed to be. When the doors parted, he saw her.
Leigh had only just made it back to her studio after having wandered aimlessly around downtown for nearly an hour after leaving the coffee shop. She was exhausted, having fought her feelings with every step she’d taken. She hadn’t even shed a single tear. She just forced herself onward, trying to walk herself to death just so that she wouldn’t have to face what had happened. She heard the elevator doors open, and didn’t bother to look back. The familiar, comforting scent of her best friend had wafted over her once the elevator doors had opened, and she kne
w he’d come because of her text. She pushed her key into the lock to undo the latch and slid open the door. She walked into her studio, staring blankly ahead as she heard J follow her inside.
The room around her flew in and out of focus, and the sounds around her became muted as if someone had cupped their hands around her ears. The lump in her throat quivered madly, threatening to drop like a bomb into her stomach and send her painfully over the edge and into emotional abandon. She didn’t want to lose it, not now, not ever. She’d promised herself all those years ago that she’d never cry for that woman again.
J stepped into the studio behind his best friend. She never turned to look at him, to welcome him. She didn’t say a word. He slid the door shut behind him and went to pull off his coat and hang it up as Leigh continued walking, seemingly absentmindedly into the apartment. Once he’d hung up his coat, J turned to find his friend standing frozen in the center of the room, her back to him.
“Leigh?” J’s voice was soft as he slowly approached his friend from behind. “Honey, are you okay?” he asked, close enough to touch her. J maneuvered around the brunette, coming face to face with her. She stared blankly into him, looking through him as if he weren’t even there. J felt a twinge of fear. He’d never seen her like this. He slowly reached up and cupped her face in his hands. “Leigh?” he said again, even softer this time as tears welled up in his eyes.
Before J could say her name again, Leigh suddenly broke, falling forward into him as her knees buckled beneath her and a gut-wrenching sob ripped from her throat. J, shocked and caught off guard, tumbled down with her, holding his arms tightly around her as they lay together, a crumpled heap in the floor. J gently rocked Leigh back and forth as she finally purged herself of the turbulent sea of emotion that racked her brain and body. Normally, he would attempt to reassure her, coo sweet, calming words in her ear, but J was at a complete loss for words this time. He knew nothing he could say would ease the pain that his best friend was now experiencing, a pain which he felt partly responsible for, and a pain which he knew Leigh would feel solely responsible for sooner or later.