“They’re programmable,” Eric says. I guess I shouldn’t have knocked finding something cool at headquarters. The boys are ecstatic. In that moment, I hear our last name called across the room and see the receptionist looking in our direction.
“Ooh! Guys, it’s our turn. Grab your water bottles and let’s go!” I direct. The boys run to gather their things, and we walk, as a family, toward the meeting room.
“Is this Bentley?” the woman asks. Bentley smiles shyly.
“I’d like to introduce you to someone. This is Nick.”
I stop dead. Nick? My Nick? That’s ridiculous, he’s not my Nick, I mean that Nick. I look over and see that it’s him. I flash back to our conversation that first evening. How could he be matched up with Bentley? How could anyone have high enough markers to be a suitable match for Nick? After shaking hands with Eric, Nick squats down to greet Bent. When he stands up, his eyes meet mine. He smiles, unsure, and gives a small wave. My body unwillingly moves toward him, my mind still reeling, and I cannot coax my hands from my pockets.
“Hey Kate.”
“Hi.” I look to Eric. “Nick has been my partner for creating those introductions for the ceremony,” I explain.
“Oh, you’re that Nick? It didn’t click when we walked in.” Eric doesn’t meet my eyes and seems distracted. Something has been off since the moment we met in the waiting room, but I can’t put my finger on it.
“I’m sure there are lots of Nicks,” he says, then directs his attention to me. “I didn’t find out that I had been selected as a mentor until earlier this week, otherwise I would have said something when we last met.”
The woman who first brought us in speaks up, “Technically, it wouldn’t be considered protocol to give that information before this initial meeting, anyway.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have dreamed of it,” Nick says, winking in our direction, then squats down. “So Bentley, tell me a little about yourself.”
Bentley sits in a chair next to him and begins talking about all of his favorite things. Nick, noticing Tal’s boredom, pulls up a game on his display and hands it to him. Based on Tal’s expression, this scores him major points. Eric and I, lost in observation, eventually notice that we are being summoned. The women at the desk waves us over to sign approvals. We are reminded that it is recommended for new mentors to have contact with our family at least four days a week for the first month or so. They need to bond with everyone, not just the child. We nod and listen, though having gone through this process with Tal makes it less important to absorb every detail. We know the drill. After talking with Bent, Nick agrees to come over the next day, after conditioning, to spend some time with us and have dinner at our place.
On the way home, I am eager to hear how the boys felt about it. Perhaps that can solidify my unsteady experience.
“He seems cool,” Tal says nonchalantly. “Can Stephen come for dinner tomorrow, too?”
“Sure, I don’t see why not,” Eric answers. “I will message him and see if he’s free.” To me he says, “I think that Stephen might be pairing with someone. I have seen him with a blonde woman quite a few times over the last month.”
“That’s great. It’s about time.” I turn my head toward the kids. “Bentley, what did you think about Nick?”
“I like him,” he says, observing the trees along the road.
Sometimes it can just be that simple. I wish it were for me. Granted, I haven’t had much time to process. On one hand, I am excited to have Nick as a resource; he may be one of the only people who can help Bentley on this journey. Plus, I know he is a good guy, so that’s a relief.
We got so lucky with Stephen that I didn’t even explore the possibility that we could end up with someone who didn’t fit our family naturally. When I messaged Alyssa this morning and mentioned where we were headed, she referenced a slightly disconcerting experience they had with their oldest. Nothing terrible, but plenty of awkward family dinners. Though I assume she wasn’t trying to make me nervous, she did. Now that I know it’s Nick, I don’t necessarily see it as a negative, but I have so many unanswered questions.
After the typical dinner, kids in bed, clean up routine, Eric and I take a much-needed break on the couch together. I find myself mentally avoiding the whole mentoring situation, so I opt for asking about his research instead. We still haven’t had a chance to catch up from his trip.
“How did the training go? Tell me about your last few days,” I say as I lean back into his chest and rest my eyes.
“It was good. Same old, same old.”
“Same old, same old? Seems like this is the first time you’ve ever done anything like this. How could it be same old?” I nudge him, teasing.
“It is a new situation, but I just showed them the same thing we’ve been doing for years, so it feels ‘same old’ to me.”
I was expecting to have Eric return energized and excited to share. Usually this stuff is so fun for him.
“So...that’s all I get? I was hoping for more detail.”
“I don’t know what else to say, Kate,” he says, sighing, obviously exhausted. Maybe he is just overtired? This is definitely not the conversation I was expecting, but I try to summon compassion.
“You sound tired. Maybe we should go to bed? Or we could just spend some time together without...talking?” I stand up and pull on his arms good-naturedly, but he doesn’t respond.
“I think we should go to bed. I am really tired.”
He stands up and pats my shoulder, then walks down the hall. He’s been gone for three days and I get a pat on the shoulder? Seriously? I stay in the living room for a few minutes, seething. We never fight. I don’t even remember the last time I felt the urge to yell at Eric, but right now, I have it. I know part of it is that I feel overwhelmed by the whole mentoring situation, but thinking of that makes me even more frustrated. I need to talk it over with someone, and my go-to person isn’t available.
I force myself to take a few deep breaths and start naming facts to help my logical brain take over. My expectations are most likely the problem here, I rationalize. I thought he would come home, we would talk for hours, we would fool around, and all would feel like it was back in its proper place. I shouldn’t have built up his return in my mind like that. I walk to the bedroom, ready to apologize to Eric, but when I get there, he is already asleep. So I stand there. Desperate. Apparently I had expectations for my apology over having expectations.
Chapter 15
Consciousness dawns the next morning and I roll over to Eric’s side of the bed. Finding it empty, the night before comes crashing into my mind. My schedule follows. I have to go to Washington Park today and plan tonight’s dinner with Nick. Based on the dim light barely creeping in through the window, I am positive that it’s early—my alarm isn’t close to going off yet. Having no faith that I will fall back asleep, I leave the bed to practice yoga before I have to wake the boys. I need to clear my head.
When I enter the living room, I hear a hushed voice, and see Eric outside, leaning against the patio door and talking on his sensor. I immediately move to go to him, but stop myself. Instead, I lower myself slowly to my mat, the cool fabric soft on my skin. Connecting with my body, I begin to flow and breathe.
It is at least another fifteen minutes before Eric opens the door and comes back inside.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he apologizes.
“It’s fine. Is everything okay?” I ask, standing from a warrior pose.
“Yes, that was someone from Regional Headquarters. They needed some information on how to proceed with an issue we are having with one of the pairs we met with.”
“At 5:30 in the morning?”
“It’s 6:30 there.” He smiles.
“Eric, I’m really sorry I was pressing for information last night. I don’t know anything about how this process is going. I was curious.”
“It’s fine. I was tired and a lot of the information is classified.”
He still seems cold to me. Distant. I can’t place it, and I feel a slow panic rumbling deep in my chest. We are having a normal conversation, but it feels like we are strangers. Is it me? Am I am being dramatic? Trying to avoid starting another misunderstanding, I walk over to him and give him a hug. And now I am positive it’s not all in my head. This embrace is a sad excuse for comfort.
“Well, I’m glad you're back,” I say curtly, turning on my heel.
He moves moves to the kitchen and starts busying himself with breakfast. “What do we have going on today? Do the kids have conditioning?”
“Yep. We need to get them off at nine this morning. They are done at two, so I thought we could all go for a hike or something before Nick comes over for dinner.”
Eric stiffens. “I forgot that was tonight.”
“Is that okay? Do I need to reschedule?”
He cracks an egg and sighs. “No, it’s fine. I need to stop over at the lab at some point. Maybe I will go with the boys at nine. Are they just at their usual spot today? It’s not much farther to the lab from there.”
“That would work. How long will you be? I am planning to pick up our groceries. I assume our amounts will be slightly smaller this week since you will be heading out again. When? I don’t think you told me what day.”
“I’ll be leaving again on Thursday, actually.”
“Thursday? But that’s in two days. I thought we would at least have you for the weekend.”
“Me too. I’ll get back Monday night, possibly afternoon, depending on how the weekend goes.”
I am quiet. Was it only a week ago that I was feeling so stable? So safe? This thing that is supposed to be so exciting and wonderful is sucking the life-blood out of me and my family. And it’s only been a week! Literally nobody in our lifetime has been through this, so it’s not like I can simply search up a support group. I need to talk to somebody. And I need to not be kept in the dark.
“Can I come with you?” I blurt out.
“What?” Eric looks at me quizzically.
“Can I come with you? I could find a place for the boys, maybe split time with Shari and Stephen? I could come and see the training you are doing. I know I wouldn’t be privy to all of it, but I bet they would at least let me see some things, right? Maybe tour the facility? I haven’t left our city boundaries in almost four years.”
“I can’t bring you with me, Kate. I’m sorry.” A look of pain and tension briefly flashes across his face, but then he laughs under his breath.
My heart aches. I can’t read him. “Why not? Why is this being kept so hush-hush?”
“I don’t know.” He sits on a stool and runs his hands through his hair. “I think we just really don’t understand what we’re dealing with yet. We already know we need to start the process of pairing immediately, but with so few numbers, it seems even more critical. Who knows if those matches will stay consistent over time? Or if they will even have time or ability to procreate if we wait? We made the decision to move forward, and I have to be a part of it. I mean, I don’t have to be a part of it...but I have to be a part of it. You know? It’s my life’s work.”
“I get it. But I feel like ever since you got back, you’ve been distant. Have I done something wrong? Is it me?”
His face softens. “Kate, no. You haven’t done anything wrong. There are just some things that I need to accept and work through on my own. I’m sorry I can’t talk more with you about it. I...need a little bit of space to process.”
Again, this is not the response I was expecting. Space to process? I feel my chest start to feel tight. I need to eat something. Or get some fresh air. Really, anything to distract me from this moment.
“I could help you process,” I plead.
“I don’t want you there, Kate,” he says sharply. I smile tightly at Eric, grab a plum, and escape to the front porch, tears streaming down my cheeks as soon as I turn from him. He doesn’t follow.
Nick rings the doorbell at four o’clock on the dot. The boys are helping me chop vegetables for the salad and Eric is out grilling the chicken. I open the door, trying not to touch it with my cucumber-covered fingers. Nick is standing on the step with a bouquet of tulips. They almost distract from how handsome he looks, freshly showered and wearing a loose, button-up linen shirt.
“Hi Nick, come on in. We are just finishing dinner preparations. Almost ready to eat,” I say warmly.
“You brought us flowers?” shouts Bentley excitedly, seeing what Nick is holding.
“I sure did. Do you like this color?”
“I like every color!” he says. “Bring them in here and we can put them in a big cup, so they don’t dry out.”
I grab a vase from the cupboard below the sink. “Here you go, bud,” I say, handing it to Bentley. Nick helps him trim the stems and arrange them. They are simple and stunning.
“Well that made his day. Where did you get these?” I ask as he puts them on the table.
“I cut them from my garden. They’re all in full bloom right now.” I cock my head in surprise. I didn’t visualize Nick as a gardener. Bentley rushes over and grabs Nick’s hand, pulling him intently to the playroom.
“Is Stephen coming tonight?” Tal asks from the couch.
“He should be. He said he was planning on it, but he may be a bit late. He had to work a little later than usual. Do you want to go play with Nick and Bentley while I finish up?”
He gives me a skeptical look.
“I mean, do you want to go hang out with Nick and Bentley while I finish up?” I revise, grinning. I have to remember that ‘playing’ is not something Tal is officially interested in anymore.
“I guess.” He washes his hands and heads back to the playroom. In a few minutes, Nick returns to the kitchen.
“How did you escape? Didn’t Bentley immediately rope you into helping him with his block city?”
“He did, but then he and Tal started blowing up buildings, and it seemed like my services weren’t needed anymore,” he laughs.
“Is it weird for you, just being thrown into a family like this?” I pause mid-chop. “And, how is it possible that you and Bentley are a match, anyway? From what it sounded like the other night, it didn’t seem like anyone would be similar enough to you to qualify for something like this.” When he doesn’t answer right away, I ask “Why did you even want to become a mentor? You have been fast-tracked and have the whole world ahead of you—”
“Okay, that’s a lot of questions,” he says, cutting me off as he sits on a stool. “I’ll try to answer them all, but let me know if I missed something.”
“Sorry,” I say.
“No, it’s okay. We didn’t really get a chance to discuss anything the other day. Do you want to wait and discuss with Eric here, too?”
I look longingly toward the patio. I do want to have Eric involved in the conversation. I really, really do.
“It’s alright, I’ll fill him in later,” I say, hopeful that it isn’t a lie.
“First, yes, this is incredibly strange to suddenly be a part of a family. I am an only child, so I don’t know what it’s like to be around kids. I feel like I’m intruding, but it’s also really interesting and fun for me to see what having a family is like,” he says, pausing. “Bentley and I are not actually ninety-percent matched,” he admits.
I exhale loudly and he holds up his hands defensively.
“We are pretty darn close, though! I wanted to mentor because I was sick of only focusing on myself. When I officially accepted my place in Tier 1 as an adult two years ago, I took that oath seriously. I want to give back, to serve my fellow human beings and I want to make society a better place. I will continue to strive for that in every aspect of my life, but this is the only option available to me now. Yes, I am a health consultant, but it doesn’t allow me to actually dig deep and be a part of my patients’ lives. That, along with personal things I’ve been going through, is why I asked to be a mentor. I felt like something was missing for
me. Bentley was the closest option, and the committee approved it. I’m really grateful to be here, Kate. I hope it’s helpful for you, too. I know Eric is busy with all of his research and you must be feeling a bit overwhelmed.”
“How do you know about Eric’s research?”
Nick pauses. “They gave me a briefing on your family before we were introduced last week. Sorry, was I not supposed to know?”
“No, I’m just surprised that they told you, when it’s still so new.” I finish with the salad and mix it all together in the bowl. Eric walks in with the plated chicken. When he sees Nick, he pauses slightly, then continues walking toward us.
“Nick, glad you could join us.” He sets the chicken on the counter and shakes his hand gruffly.
“My pleasure. Thanks for having me.” Nick says, avoiding his eyes. His confidence suddenly retreating. Am I missing something? Eric has only met Nick once and it seemed to go fine. I don’t understand men.
At dinner, everything is delicious, and the boys do most of the talking, which is helpful because I don’t really feel up to making conversation. Thankfully, Nick heads out shortly after we finish cleaning up, and I jump at the opportunity to put the boys to bed. Exhausted, they nearly fall asleep before I finish reading our story. I know I should attempt a discussion with Eric, but instead, I lie on their floor, watching their eyes flutter closed, listening to their breathing.
Chapter 16
I start awake a few hours later, my body stiff. It takes me a moment to take in my surroundings. Standing up groggily, I make my way out of the bedroom as quietly as possible. I brace myself against the wall as the evening comes rushing back, and my heart starts to pound. As usual, everything feels more dramatic in the middle of the night.
I doubt that I will be able to fall asleep right now with all of this negativity and adrenaline pulsing through me, so I backtrack to the kitchen and put some water on to boil. Maybe after a cup of tea, I will feel more relaxed and be able to bring this fear and apprehension back to normal levels. Even though I’m conscious of the magnifying effect night has on my emotions, they are still hard to shut down. Right now my mind is going a mile a minute, pulling out every worst-case scenario with Eric, Nick, the boys’ conditioning—you name it. All of my deep-seated concerns splayed out on repeat.
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