“Nick,” I say softly. He stops, but doesn’t turn around. “You aren’t selfish.” He is standing stock still. “Wanting to help others doesn’t mean you have to be a complete martyr.”
“It doesn’t mean that I put my wants above those of another, Kate,” he says, still facing the hall.
“Sometimes sacrifice isn’t black and white. I have gotten to know you well these last few months. I don’t think you would pursue anything you didn’t feel was for the greatest good.”
Nick turns around slowly and braces his arms on the chair, still not meeting my eyes. “How do I know that the greater good is worth short-term loss? Especially when it means I don’t lose anything? I only gain,” he asks quietly. “How do I know that I’m not justifying the ‘greater good’ for something I want?”
We sit in silence for a moment. “You don’t,” I finally answer. “I don’t think we ever have enough information to know for sure that any one choice will end with the exact consequence we anticipated. But, we can learn from past experience. In this case, looking at the results of past matches, we can be fairly certain that Eric’s research is going to change our world. It will most likely change the lives of thousands—and then millions—of people. If he needs to dedicate his life there, how ridiculous would it be for me to stop him? I’m one person. That would be selfish.” I try to avoid saying anything that would give Nick the wrong impression. That I know it’s about more than Eric’s dedication to his project.
He raises his eyes and looks at me, a pained expression on his face. “I know that I’m just a kid with very little relationship know-how. Like none,” he laughs. “Unless you count dinner and small talk experience, which I have in spades.” I laugh nervously. “I am in no way, shape, or form trying to take Eric’s place. If you two work things out, I will do my very best to not—” He pauses and takes a deep breath, “To not look at you or want to be with you. I will help Bentley and do all I can to mentor him and aid him in reaching his potential.”
He shakes his head in frustration and makes his way to the door to put his shoes on. I follow a few steps behind, stopping to lean against a wall. When the laces are tied, he stands and looks hard at me. I meet his gaze with a rather tentative smile.
“I will give you space to figure all of this out with Eric,” he promises. “I won’t bring it up again, and I will be strictly professional when I come to see Bentley.” Sudden realization dawns on his face. “Oh wow, we need to set up a time in the next couple of days,” he says, flustered. “I just realized we didn’t make a plan for that. Do you know what will work?” he says, suddenly all business, tapping his sensor.
“Nick,” I say slowly, “I’m not saying no.” I stare at him intently, trying to look like I’m speaking with conviction.
He stops and lifts his eyes to meet mine. “No to getting together with Bentley?”
“No.”
He thinks on this a moment. “You aren’t?” he asks, with a quizzical brow.
“No.”
A shy smile creeps onto his face and his cheeks flush. “I can deal with not a no.”
Mustering my courage, I step over and pull him into a hug. He hesitantly puts his arms around my shoulders. He feels different from Eric, but still good. Solid. I breathe him in. I haven’t had to be vulnerable with anyone new for a long time. It’s scary and electrifying. I think of Eric, any excitement quickly fading to nausea, and pull back slowly, ending the hug awkwardly. I give him a half-wave goodbye, then he walks out the door. I rush to the bedroom and rummage through my bag to find my tablet, sending the message to Eric before I can find another excuse to wait. Tapping his contact, I block his number. It’s done. I focus on what makes sense, rather than what my heart is screaming at me. Bile rises in my throat and I run to the washroom.
Chapter 26
I can’t wait another second to call Shari, and am relieved when she is available to talk. Though I don’t know how much she knows, or how much I should say, I need to bounce this off of someone.
“Hey friend.” Shari says, smiling. “Long time, no talk.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. We are due for a long chat and ideally, a lunch.”
“What’s been going on? You were fantastic at the ceremony. Did you see me? I was seated a few tables away from Eric in the back. I got to watch the whole show.”
“You mean the whole ceremony?”
“No, I mean the whole show between you, Eric, and Nick.”
“What are you talking about?”
Shari laughs. “Don’t pretend to be that oblivious! Eric with his hands all over you, Nick watching you all night while you talked with Cassidy. You looking uncomfortable. It was amazing. I loved it.”
I groan. “Was it that obvious?”
“Oh, chill out. I doubt anybody noticed besides me. And Grace. She was definitely looking your direction more than I would normally expect.”
“Great,” I mutter.
“Everyone else was so involved with their own agendas for the evening, I doubt they gave it a second thought. Except when Eric kissed you. A lot of people watched that.”
I groan again.
“No, that was awesome. Who wouldn’t want everyone to see how bonded they are with their pair? They were inspired.” She laughs at the look on my face.
“Not so inspiring when you find out that was the first night Eric and I have spent together in weeks.”
“It’s that bad, huh?”
“It’s that bad.”
“Is he back down at headquarters?”
“Flew out the next morning. I don’t know what the boys are thinking at this point. Eric and I have both talked with them about his research and the need for him to be involved, but I don’t know that they really understand what this means.”
“What does it mean?” Shari asks, suddenly serious.
“I just meant that it might go on like this. For awhile.”
“What’s going on, Kate?” When I don’t answer immediately, she says, “Never mind, I am coming over,” and signs off before I can object.
Fifteen minutes later I hear a light knock on the door and Shari walks in, giving me a brief hug before charging into the kitchen.
“I brought some herbal tea I really like. Let me make it up, and then we can talk.”
She starts water boiling, finds mugs, and unwraps the tea bags while I search the pantry for our recently harvested honey. Once our tea is steeping, we sit down in the living room.
“Okay, fill me in,” she says, curling up in the chair and blowing on her tea.
“I don’t know what to say,” I complain weakly. She raises her eyebrow, as if disappointed in me, and I sigh. “Things are kind of imploding, I guess?”
“You guess?” she says sarcastically. “C’mon, Kate.”
Though I know she is goading me, it works, and I begin talking in a rush, the words pouring out of me. “I don’t know, Shari! Eric and I want to be together, but there are demands on him that have changed things. He believes in this project. If he stays with us, he will always feel like he let society down. If he stays there, he will always feel like he let us down. I miss him. The boys miss him. I am sick of doing this by myself, but I would keep going if I knew that he would be back at some point. I don’t have any guarantees, and you told me yourself that it might be best to un-pair—”
“I didn’t say ‘best’,” Shari cuts in, “just possible.”
“Well, whatever.” I take a sip, almost burning my tongue. “I don’t know whether Eric is going to be able to make this decision. He isn’t telling me everything.” I pause, inspecting Shari’s face. It is a mask of calm, though she seems inordinately engaged with her tea. She knows.
“So what am I supposed to do? Just wait? Hope that it all works out? Or move on?” I ask.
“What would moving on entail?” Shari asks nonchalantly, as if simply inquiring about the weather. The question makes my nostrils flare, but I mirror her tone.
“Really, the question shoul
d be: ‘Is it even possible?’. I love Eric and can’t imagine myself without him,” I exhale deeply, “but, the boys need someone besides just me. And, honestly, I’m lonely.” I hesitate. I need someone besides just me.
“Are you thinking that you want Stephen to be around more?” she asks, her voice sweet and innocent.
“You know I’m not talking about Stephen,” I mutter acerbically under my breath.
Shari smiles, taking another sip of her tea. “Just keeping you honest.”
“Yes, Nick is incredibly attractive,” I say, throwing my hands up. “But he’s 8 years younger than I am. What, we pair, have some kids, then I die and he has to raise them on his own? I’m old, Shari. Why would he want to do that?”
“I don’t know why, but I know that he does want to.”
“How do you know?”
“He ran your numbers.”
“How do you know that?” I ask, exasperated.
“I get notified anytime anyone peruses your file, Kate. I saw him poking around. And I saw how he looked at you at the ceremony. Do you want proof?” Without waiting to hear my response, she pulls up a video on her sensor. “This,” she taps forward on the video, “is Nick’s face while you were introducing Cassidy.”
I watch myself speaking at the podium, impressed with myself. I actually do look quite nice. Then, my eyes are drawn over my left shoulder to where Nick stands, watching me. His face is engaged, smiling, intense.
“That’s just Nick,” I say. “He’s always dialed up.”
“Not like that, Kate.” She turns off the video.
“Okay, let’s say I do pair with Nick. What happens to the boys? And what if I can’t have as many kids as he wants? Do I need to repeat myself? I am old! I have stretch marks. I have literal brain scans showing my mental decline—”
“Slight.”
“What?” I ask.
“Slight mental decline,” Shari corrects.
“Fine, slight mental decline, but still. We would have only seven more years before we would be risking major mutations through procreation. I would have to be pregnant the entire time to even get four babies here.”
“You could do fertility. Maybe have a couple sets of twins?”
I throw a pillow at her.
She laughs. “Seriously, Kate. It’s an option. And you don’t know how long you are going to live. Your body is doing great, and you haven’t seen any DNA deterioration yet. You could live into your fifties, easy.”
“That’s wishful thinking, but let’s say that does happen. Nick could still procreate much more effectively with another person. Someone who is young.”
“What help would that be if it wasn’t as good of a match? Who cares if they could have more kids? The point is that your kids would be genetically superior. Quality over quantity.”
“How could they be so superior to put both of us through this?” I press. I want her to say it.
“I saw the numbers he ran. You two have incredible allele matches. I think it would be really difficult for him to find something better,” she explains generally, without missing a beat.
“I just find it very convenient that all of a sudden my pair is taken from me and, out of the blue, this new, perfect match shows up. What are the chances of that, Shari? Seriously. It was hard enough for me to find Eric.”
We sit in silence, sipping our tea.
Shari finally speaks in a low whisper. “Kate, you’re smart. I’m not going to pretend that there’s not more at work here. But I need you to trust me on this. Eric is making the right choice. I love you, and I don’t want you to be miserable.” She looks at me intently. “Let him go. Let him move forward with this project. I can’t say more than that.”
I am grateful that she is at least trying. “What about the boys?” I ask gently.
“There are plenty of good options. They have a good relationship with their mentors. We can easily get them in for reversal therapy over the next few months.”
This not-so-theoretical scenario starts to sink into me and I tear up. “I don’t want them to forget their dad.”
Shari sets her tea down and moves close to me. “They won’t, Kate. They will just remember the good and...have manageable grief.”
Tears start rolling down my cheeks. “I don’t want to, Shari. I just want Eric.”
She holds me while I cry. I am not strong enough to do this. More honestly, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to! I scream this over and over inside my head. The pressure around my eyes is almost unbearable. There is no way to escape this cognitive dissonance, because, after all, I am resigned to leave Eric. I know it’s the right call, for his sake more than mine. Will this be how I feel for the rest of my life?
After a while, I pull away and grab a tissue to blow my nose.
“We can do reversal therapy on you too, you know,” Shari says, gently. “You won’t have to feel this pain forever.”
My world seems frozen for a moment. It feels like such a betrayal to remove any of the hurt, because it would lessen the depth of the good. I shrug and tell her I’ll think it over.
“I have no closure,” I say. “I haven’t said goodbye.”
“I think it’s probably better this way,” Shari says, rubbing my back. “But I would be happy to arrange for Eric to come home for a day or two, if you think it would help. It might just make it harder.”
“I’ll consider it. I find it hard to believe that anything could make this harder.”
She holds me again for a couple of minutes, then grabs our mugs and takes them into the kitchen. I follow her and thank her for coming over. She turns around, putting her hands on my shoulders.
“You are strong, Kate. Most people in Tier 1 only ever have to give up their time and energy. You are being asked to give up someone you love, a relationship that fulfills you. I can’t pretend to know how that feels, but I do know how it feels to want someone to love and never find them. I can’t help but think that having Eric for twelve years is better than never having him. And having another man ready and waiting to love you? I know it probably doesn’t help right now, but maybe try to focus on shifting perspective from all that you are losing to all that you have.” I give her a hug and thank her again. I watch her car as it glides away down the street. In that moment, I become deeply aware of how tired I am. My body seems to melt into itself, retreating from all of the unknown. I go through the motions of shutting down the house for the night, then walk down the hall, and bury myself in the bed covers.
Chapter 27
I wake up to Tal and Bentley running around. Loudly. My body aches from tension I held while I slept. Apparently, I can’t will myself to truly relax with all of the unknowns rolling around like marbles in my head. Sleep is supposed to help with clarity of thought, but this morning, I still don’t have any good answers. Stepping into my morning routine allows me to shove those concerns down deep.
Today, I had planned to take the boys to the Tech Museum. Leaving the house is quite possibly the very last thing I want to do right now, but I press forward nonetheless. Tal and Bent always spend hours at that museum trying to figure out how to use the old technological devices that rotate through the hands-on exhibits. Our society needs more people to go into tech, so I am hoping the more they see it, the more likely it will light a spark of interest in them.
“Hi Mom!” Bentley shouts as he catches my figure walking past their door.
“Good morning, Bent. Hey Tal,” I say, walking into the kitchen.
The boys run after me. “I don’t want to go to the museum today, Mom,” Tal says quickly. “I think I’ve seen everything there. It will be a boring repeat.”
“It might be,” I agree, “but it’s been a while since we’ve been. You never know.” I reach into the fridge for the sausage I saved for this morning.
“I want to go,” says Bentley. “I hope they have those square phones with the old games. I love those.”
“Their graphics are so bad,” Tal criticizes.
>
“Graphics don’t matter. They’re good games,” Bentley counters.
“I am sure they will have something with games,” I interject. “Can you guys go wash your hands for breakfast? After we eat, we can change and get going. Tal, we don’t have to stay there for a long time, if you aren’t enjoying it.” He shoots me an appreciative smile.
The boys obediently follow my instructions, and we eat as soon as the sausage is done cooking. After inhaling their breakfast, they run off to get changed. So much for not wanting to go.
“I’m going to take a shower!” I call after them. “We’re leaving in 30 minutes!”
They don’t respond, but I pretend they heard me as I simply do not have the energy to say it again. I hear more playing than changing coming from their room, but at least that buys me a few minutes.
Being in the shower is like a swift kick to my gut. It tangibly reminds me of my last conversation with Eric. Every single day, I am tempted to unblock my sensor. To find a way to be with him. I still don’t know what I am going to say when the boys start asking when he will be home again. I wash my hair and body as quickly as possible, wanting to escape this tragic space. Maybe closure would be good. The warm water wash over me and, though I know we are probably approaching our water limit for the month, I can’t bring myself to care.
I pull on my favorite jeans and a t-shirt, needing to be comfy today. Walking out of my room, the boys’ voices reach me. They are chattering to each other. I slowly sneak up to the door, wanting to hear what they are saying without disturbing the moment.
“This is your final warning,” Tal says, mimicking a loudspeaker. “We are taking this city and you can either surrender or die.”
“Tal, don’t kill my guys! I just want to have a battle.” Bentley whines.
“I’m not actually going to kill them, this is how the battle starts,” Tal says, annoyed. “Besides, your guys are all Tier 3 so it doesn’t matter if they die.”
Tier Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 17