by Roan Parrish
“Rhys sent me,” Theo called.
Rhys’s text suddenly made a lot more sense.
I liked Theo, but I was under no illusions that we were actually buddies. We hung out because Caleb and Rhys were friends.
I considered not answering, but then I remembered Theo and Caleb had a key. I sent Rhys a text that just said -_- and then went to answer the door with a sigh.
Theo was hot in this way that would have been annoying if he hadn’t acted like he didn’t care what he looked like. He was beautiful, with big, light silvery-blue eyes that were usually smudged in days-old black eyeliner, long black hair that he tied back messily or pushed out of his face absently, and a lithe build. He had a smile that scrunched up his nose and could look either sweet or devilish depending on his eyes. It was totally not a surprise, given his looks and his serious musical chops, that he’d become a rock star. If I were a person who read magazines, Theo’s face on the cover would make me want to pick one up.
So being confronted with Theo before I’d even had my coffee left me a little at sea. But before I could say anything awkward, or—more likely and more awkward—stare at him and say nothing at all, Theo spoke.
“Hey! I’m sorry to just show up like this, and if you want me to take off I totally understand. But I know Rhys is on tour, and I know how lonely I get when Caleb’s not around and I just thought—well, we never get to hang out just us, so—uh, I thought maybe we could? Hang out?”
He was biting his lip and twisting his hands together in a way that seemed sincerely uncertain, and even though he’d given me permission I didn’t feel like I could send him away. Besides, it was a forty-five-minute drive from Stormville and he’d made it without giving me the chance to say no, so clearly Rhys had told him to just show up.
“Sure, yeah, sure, come in,” I said, holding open the door and having a moment of gratitude that I’d pulled on cutoffs and a T-shirt instead of coming to make coffee in my underwear like I sometimes did. “You want some coffee? I just made it.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
Theo was standing awkwardly in the center of the kitchen. I poured a coffee and handed it to him, but wasn’t sure what to do after that. We’d never even had a conversation without either Caleb or Rhys present.
“Wanna sit outside?”
Theo followed me out to the backyard and we sat in the chairs, backs to the house. It was nice out—warm and breezy and peaceful. Until Theo made a choking sound.
“That’s—uh, wow.” He looked at his coffee mug like it had bitten him. “Strong,” he choked out.
“Sorry. Rhys says I make it undrinkable but it tastes normal to me. He doesn’t drink coffee anyway, so. You can make more if you want?”
“No, maybe I’ll just—do you have milk?”
“I’m not sure.”
He saluted me with the cup and disappeared inside.
Well, if I’d had “choke a rock star” on my bucket list, I guess I could cross it off.
“You didn’t have cereal for breakfast or anything, did you?” Theo asked, sitting back down.
“No. I just got up. Why?”
“Cuz your milk’s a definite no-go,” he said. “Found the sugar, though.” He took a sip of coffee and smiled. “I’m a wimp. I like it really sweet.”
“Me too,” I said, wondering why I didn’t think to offer him sugar before.
We sat in silence for a while, and I had my eyes closed, so I startled a little when Theo spoke.
“Hey, Matt? Do you…not like me? It’s cool if you don’t. Not everyone can be friends, and I get that. I just don’t want to be stealing your Saturday if you’d rather do something else. I know we’ve never hung out and—shit, please say something and shut me up.”
I gaped at him. I’d honestly never given any thought to whether I liked him or not. I’d only thought about whether he liked me. He was a reality of Rhys’s life, so he was a reality of mine. I must’ve stayed silent a little too long because Theo winced.
“Okay, shit, I’m really sorry. When Rhys told me to come hang, I guess I assumed you’d asked him to, but I’m—sorry, I’m an idiot.”
“No, no! I don’t not like you at all. I don’t really know you much. I hadn’t thought about it. It always seems like…you know, like you guys are Rhys’s friends, and I kinda shut up because you all talk about music and I don’t know anything about music and also I thought you guys didn’t like me.” I trailed off. I hadn’t meant to say that. But Theo grinned.
“I get it, totally. Okay. But so if we don’t not like each other, it’s cool to hang?” At my nod, he relaxed. “Awesome. Cuz I’ve really wanted to get to know you, but you don’t talk much when it’s all of us together. Guess that explains that.”
I relaxed too, grateful it was that easy. A minute later, Theo pushed my phone toward me, and I realized it was vibrating.
Rhys’s text said, Seriously, are you pissed? I just really think you and T will get along if you give him a chance…
I wasn’t pissed, exactly. But Rhys had this idea that because he was into me, everyone else would be too, and I didn’t share his confidence.
I couldve had other plants, I texted back. Plans I mean.
But then I felt bad because Rhys knew as well as I did that I wouldn’t have other plans—or plants, for that matter—and he’d never have done it otherwise. I wrote: Its cool. I made him coffee so he’ll prob never come back anyway.
Rhys’s grinning emoji and heart emoji response made me smile helplessly.
“That Rhys apologizing for dive-bombing you with me?”
I snorted. “Not apologizing exactly.”
“Yeah, Rhys doesn’t seem much like the apologizing type.”
I thought about that. “Rhys apologizes if he really thinks he did something wrong. He just usually thinks he’s right.”
Theo laughed, but I hadn’t been joking. Rhys didn’t do things he thought were wrong. It was one of the things I admired most about him. Of course it also meant he was stubborn as hell and righteously bossy. But…if I were honest, I didn’t hate that either.
“Must be lonely here without him. He takes up a lot of space.”
I sighed. That was definitely true. The second Rhys walked into a room every molecule seemed to arrange itself in relation to him. “Is that…normal?” I asked.
“Oh yeah,” Theo said, as if that weren’t a weird question. “I get so lonely on tour. Well, I haven’t toured since I was with Riven, but I was, like, desperately lonely when I was away from Caleb. If he decides to go on tour in the future, I guarantee I’ll be a wreck. Then you’ll have to come over to my house and make me terrible coffee and keep me company. Uh, not that you’re a wreck, just saying.”
I smiled. “Deal.”
You’re not a wreck; you’re fine. You’re fine now. You’re Matt, not Grim. It’s not how it was then. Everything’s fine.
We chatted over another cup of coffee, about his and Caleb’s garden and about books. It turned out Theo was super into mysteries. I told him he should borrow a sci-fi mystery I really liked when he left, and he told me next time he came over he’d bring me some of his favorite mysteries to try. It was on that even footing that I agreed to take a walk when he suggested it.
It was getting hot, so I led us to the cemetery, since its shaded paths would keep us out of the sun.
“Hey,” I said, trying to make conversation. “Did you know that, uh…a band shot this one video here where they crawl out of a grave, and…shit, I forget. Rhys was telling me. Something to do with Stephen King.”
“Oh! ‘Pet Sematary,’ by the Ramones? That was here? Cool.”
I nodded, my face burning.
“You weren’t kidding when you said you weren’t into music, huh?”
“Well, not new music. Not much. I mean, I think Rhys’s stuff is great,�
�� I added quickly, which was the truth. Then I realized it kind of implied I didn’t like Theo’s or Caleb’s music, and I started to say something, but Theo didn’t notice.
“What kind of stuff do you usually listen to?”
“I really like fifties and sixties soul and R & B.”
It was what Grin had played nonstop when we were at St. Jerome’s and later when we lived together, and it was really all I’d ever bothered listening to.
“Oh, yeah, for sure,” Theo said, and then he didn’t say anything else about music. I got the sense that rather than being offended, he was relieved not to talk about it. “You know what I really wanna do?” he said after we’d walked a bit farther. “I want to get some drinks and sit in your backyard. I never drink anymore, because of Caleb, and I don’t really miss it except on days like today.”
“Okay, sure, we can do that.”
We walked to the store where Theo bought stuff for drinks, and some groceries I didn’t pay much attention to, while smiling shyly at the people who recognized him and stopping to take a selfie with a girl who begged him in the frozen foods aisle. When we got back to Rhys’s and he unpacked the bag, though, I saw that he’d gotten chips and salsa, an oven-bake pizza, bags of frozen tater tots, a pie, and a handful of candy bars.
“Wow, this is the kind of grocery shopping I can get behind.”
“Caleb said you have a sweet tooth.” He smiled at me and started opening cabinet doors as I turned over the evidence that Rhys talked about me to Caleb. I let Theo make himself at home as I realized that I hadn’t eaten since a makeshift dinner the night before and I was actually really hungry. “Here, open this, and I’ll make drinks.” He handed me the salsa and turned on the oven.
We carried chips and salsa, tater tots and ketchup, and drinks out back and settled back in the chairs. I shoved a few tater tots in my mouth as soon as they weren’t molten, but I still felt tipsy after a couple sips of whatever Theo had made. It was vodka and some kind of juice I didn’t recognize, and it streaked through me like fire, relaxing me from the inside out.
“Oh man,” Theo said a few minutes later. “I’m such a lightweight now. I’m already tipsy.”
“Me too,” I said. “ ’S nice.”
Later, after more drinks and more chips, Theo, now sprawled on the grass, asked, “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Yeah.”
“When I realized how close Caleb and Rhys’s relationship was, I was really glad to find out Rhys was married.”
A familiar sick feeling took up residence in my stomach. It was how I always felt when I thought about Caleb, and how he’d been Rhys’s partner all those years.
“It’s not that I doubted Caleb’s feelings, really. It just…felt like a lot to compete with. You know?”
I nodded. And I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, how comfortable I was suddenly feeling with Theo, or the fact that he’d brought it up first, but I found myself telling him the truth.
“I looked up Rhys’s music online once, and all this stuff that he and Caleb co-wrote popped up. Then I looked at songs he’d written for other people. Love songs. And I knew they were probably about Caleb. Years and years of love songs.”
I shook my head, remembering how I’d found those songs the week after we’d gotten married, and puked, realizing that he’d been with me for two and a half months, and he’d been with Caleb on and off for the better part of a decade.
I must’ve been drunk because I heard myself say, “I still can’t believe he chose me. Mostly I think it’s because when I met him Caleb wasn’t really an option, since he was holed up in Stormville. Honestly, if Caleb hadn’t met you…every time Rhys would come home from visiting Caleb, I braced myself for him to tell me that he and Caleb had gotten back together.”
“But you were already married before Caleb met me,” Theo said, sounding confused.
“Yeah.”
Theo was looking at me strangely. “You don’t still think that, do you?”
“No way. No way Caleb would ever leave you. He worships you.”
“Rhys worships you too. You do know that, right?”
A shiver went through me at the way Rhys looked at me sometimes. The way he’d cup my chin in his hand and lean in to kiss me so slowly I could see his eyelashes flutter as his eyes drifted closed.
“I don’t want anyone to worship me,” I breathed.
Theo rolled his eyes. “Fine, pick a different word. Love. He loves you.”
“Yeah. He does.”
Rhys loves you! He married you! He chose you! Things are great between you!
Theo got up and for a minute I thought I’d offended him, but he just came back out with the pie and two forks.
“Shit, that’s really good,” I said. It was a peach pie with a streusel topping drizzled with caramel.
When I’d first left St. Jerome’s and been in charge of my own meals, I’d eaten apple pies from McDonald’s every day for a month. I’d wished I could live on nothing but dessert. Somehow, everything that wasn’t sweet ended up turning to dry meatloaf, mealy peas, snotty oatmeal, and chalky spaghetti on my tongue. It had eventually worn off, helped by the habit I developed of dousing everything I ate in hot sauce.
Then I’d discovered that I could eat other kinds of food and avoid the associations. Rich curries and flavorful stir-fries and fresh herbs—everything that had never crossed the threshold of St. Jerome’s.
“Do you really think that?” Theo asked.
“Huh?”
“That Rhys chose you because he couldn’t have Caleb.”
“I…I don’t know.”
“You know Rhys and Caleb broke up way before Caleb went to rehab.”
“Yeah. But they broke up because of Caleb’s drug use. So once he wasn’t using, it made sense that they’d maybe get back together.”
“Well, you should probably talk to Rhys about that,” Theo said slowly.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make shit weird.”
“You didn’t. I just don’t want to…Well. Caleb says the drugs were only part of the problem. But I guess it’s possible Caleb doesn’t want them to be the whole problem.”
“What do you mean? What does Caleb say the problem was?”
“He always said that he and Rhys were great together on the road and not so much in real life.”
“What does that mean?”
Theo bit at his cuticles and thought about it. “Being on tour’s not real. It’s a particular arrangement. You’re not responsible for much. Just getting to where you’re supposed to be and making sure you don’t massively fuck up once you’re there.”
I snorted at the idea of a famous rock star describing his job that way.
“But other than that, it’s like a long sleepover. Half the time you’re just hanging out. The other half the time you’re wishing everyone would disappear so you can have your own space. The sense I got from Caleb was that it worked so well because they were good at the sleepover part, and the music part, but that Rhys—”
“What about Rhys?”
“I think Rhys wanted the real-life part too. And Caleb didn’t really feel that way about him.”
My stomach dropped. I knew how deeply Rhys had always wanted a partner. And he’d told me that Caleb had filled that role in some ways, for the time they were touring together. But I had always gotten the impression that it was a placeholder for Rhys. A way of having fifty percent of something he wanted. Theo made it sound like Rhys had pined for something Caleb didn’t want to give him. I pushed the pie away.
“Matt?” Theo’s voice was soft. “Matt, hey. I think I said that wrong.”
I shook my head and leaned back in the grass, closing my eyes.
“What I meant is that Rhys wanted someone who would give him the real-life part. And that person wasn’t Caleb
. It was you.”
It was you, it was you, it was you.
My head was still swimming but the knot in my stomach loosened a little. Theo made me another drink, though he didn’t have one since he had to drive home.
The sun began to set, and I shivered. My least favorite time of day. I’d hidden from it in the hallway the first few days Rhys was gone, and ducked out of it to wait for the train the last few days. Now it was inescapable.
“Hey,” Theo said as the sky darkened. “I’m sorry. I really just say the wrong thing sometimes. Matt?”
“It’s okay,” I said. My voice was very small. But Theo wasn’t Rhys. He wouldn’t know that it wasn’t his fault I didn’t have anything to say. “I’m glad you came over today. Glad we got to hang out.”
Theo’s smile brightened up the darkness.
“Me too! I really worried that maybe you just thought I was an idiot. I feel like I say stupid stuff whenever we all hang out, or I just ramble on about music.”
“I just figured you guys all wanted to talk about music, and I don’t have much to add so I should keep my mouth shut.”
“Okay, so we’re both idiots,” Theo said gently. “And we both like each other?” I nodded. “So maybe…we could hang out again? I don’t really have that many friends besides Caleb. It’s nice to just talk. Or not talk.”
“Yeah, sounds good,” I said. And I was surprised to realize it was the truth.
“I guess I’m gonna take off, then,” he said.
We gathered the detritus of our afternoon and took it inside, and I walked Theo to the door and handed him the book I’d suggested.
“Okay, see ya,” he said, but he hesitated.
“You okay to drive?”
“Yeah, fine. I was just having an awkward moment where I was gonna hug you but then I know you don’t like that so I was gonna shake your hand but that seemed really weird. And now I made it weirder.”
“You know I don’t like that?” I echoed.
“Rhys told me and Caleb you don’t really like being touched. Before we all hung out in the winter.” We’d spent the holidays at Theo and Caleb’s house in Stormville when the weather had made traveling to Rhys’s family in North Carolina impossible. “He said it so we wouldn’t like jump all over you, I guess?”