My child, child, child.
I’ll dream for you,
I’ll breathe for you,
I’ll question God for you,
I’ll shake my fists and scream and cry for you.
This song is for you,
It’s all I’ve got.
It doesn’t give you a name.
It doesn’t give you a face.
But it’s all I’ve got to give.
All my love is in these words I sing,
In each haunted note from my guitar,
My child, child, child.
You’re not gone,
Because you never were.
But that doesn’t mean
You passed unloved.
It doesn’t mean you’re forgotten,
Unborn child, child, child.
I bury you
With this song.
I mourn you
With this song. ”
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He strummed the last chord and let the notes hang, his head ducked, shoulders shaking. The song reminded me of what was growing within me, the very thing that Nell just lost, that Colton just lost. I choked on a sob, coughing. Colt turned and opened his eyes, seeming surprised to see the crowd around the door. He didn’t see me, or didn’t recognize me. He turned back to Nell, who scrambled stiffly out of the bed, trailing tubes and wires and monitor leads. She climbed onto Colt’s lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and clinging to him, sobbing so brokenly it was painful to hear, to watch. Her entire body quaked uncontrollably, and her sobs were loud, hoarse, choking screams in the small room, laced with the constant beep-beep-beep of the heart monitor.
I recognized the way she clung to Colt, as if he was the only thing keeping her from flying apart, from becoming nothing more than the sum of her grief. He held her gently, stroking her back with familiarity and aching tenderness. I could see his love for her in the way his finger brushed her hair away from her eyes, the way he didn’t speak words of empty consolation, the way he merely held her and let his love speak silent volumes. I turned away from the door, put my back to the wall just out of sight.
I listened to her cry, listened to him sniff quietly. They grieved together for a long time, and I waited. Eventually, I felt Jason join me. My eyes were closed, and I was listening to Nell and Colt murmuring to each other, their words indistinct, speaking in the familiar mumble of lovers.
I was still floored by the fact of Nell and Colton being romantically involved.
I pulled Jason away, farther down the hallway. As I passed the doorway, I glanced in to see Nell back in the hospital bed, holding Colt’s hand. She saw me, then looked away.
“What happened?” Jason asked.
“Did you see who was in the r-r-room with Nell?” Jason shook his head. “Colton Calloway. ”
“What? What’s he doing back in Michigan?”
I sucked in a deep breath. “They’re together. Nell and Colton, I mean. Like, together. Sh-she…they…Nell had a m-mmm-miscarriage. ” I let that sink in.
Jason’s mouth dropped open, and he closed it, then turned back to look at the doorway to room 141, as if some kind of answer was visible there. “She…you mean she was pregnant?” I nodded, and he tilted his head back, blowing out a surprised breath. “Holy shit. That was the last thing I expected. ”
“M-me too. I thought—I was afraid she’d—”
Jason cut me off by pulling me against his chest. “That was my first thought, too. I’m glad it wasn’t that. ”
“Yeah. ” I pressed my forehead to his chest; my secret was a hot, hard, heavy ball in my gut.
There was no way I could tell him here, now, in this situation.
Jason’s fingers tilted my chin up, and his jade eyes bored into me. I realized then that he knew I was keeping something from him. “Becca…what’s going on with you?”
I shook my head. “Not-not here, okay? P-please?”
“I’m not crazy, though, right? There’s something you’re not telling me?”
I shuddered, sucking in a harsh breath. “Yes. But this…here, this isn’t the time or the-the place f-for it. ”
“God, I’m gonna go f**king crazy. ” I heard the anger and worry in his voice.
I palmed his cheeks and brought his mouth to mine in a brief but deep kiss. “I love you. Always and forever, okay?”
He let out a gusting sigh. “So you’re not leaving me or anything, right?”
I had to laugh at that. “Never. Not…not ever. ” I pushed away from his embrace and led him to Nell’s room.
She took a deep breath as we came in. Colton stood up and faced us, seeming unsure if he should shake our hands or hug us or do nothing. I waved awkwardly at him, hesitated, and then stepped past him to hug Nell, cradling her shoulders gently.
She pulled away slightly, and her gray-green eyes searched mine. “Becca, I—”
“How did this happen?” I asked.
“Well, see, when a man and woman love each other,” she started, then broke off into laughter.
I smacked her arm lightly. “D-don’t be a bitch. You n-n-know what I m-m-mmm-mean. ”
She frowned at my stutter. The last time we’d seen each other I hadn’t stuttered at all. “It’s…complicated. ”
I turned to glance at Colton, who was standing next to Jason, looking uncomfortable. “Un-un-uncomplicate it, then. ”
She shot a look at Colt and Jason. “Can you guys give us a few minutes? Please?”
Colt slid next to me and bent over her, kissed her. “I’ll go get some coffee. ” He pressed his lips to her ear, but I heard the words he whispered. “I love you. ”
“I love you, too, Colton. ” She said it out loud, not bothering to whisper.
Jason hugged me briefly, kissed the corner of my mouth. “You want coffee?”
“Sure. Thanks, baby. ” When they were gone, I sat in the chair Colt had abandoned and turned to Nell. “Spill. ”
She stared past me, as if seeing Colt still standing there, or as if she could see him through the walls. “He’s…everything I never knew I needed. I know it doesn’t make any sense, Becks. It doesn’t. He’s…he’s Kyle’s older brother. He’s rough around the edges. But…god, how do I even explain this? He’s so talented. You heard him, I saw you. He’s…he’s showing me how to heal. How to let go. I was never okay, Becca. Even when I left for New York, I know how it seemed. Like I was finally starting to make progress. I wasn’t, though. I was just better at hiding the fact that I hurt, every single day. That I missed him, every single f**king day. ” She glanced at me, assessing the effect of her words. “He saw through that. He saw through it at the funeral years ago. He knew I wasn’t letting myself feel it. Feel anything. ”
I ducked my head, the pain of reliving those days too much to bear. “Doesn’t…doesn’t he remind you of…of Kyle?”
“Yes. A lot. But…he’s not him. He’s so, so different. We never knew Colt, you know? Back when we were kids, we never even remotely understood what he was going through. He’s so strong, Becca. You can’t know how strong he is. What he’s endured and come through still able to love me, to smile and be okay every day. ” She rubbed a thumb over her wrist, and I saw a recent scar, deep and thick and jagged. She saw me see it. “That will never happen again. The cutting is over. It’s like an addiction, though, you know. I’ll always be a cutter—I’ll just…refuse to do it. ”
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I met her eyes. “I think I unders-sss-s-stand, now. ”
She heard something in my voice. “What do you mean?” It was a fearful whisper.
I showed her my arms. “I thought about cutting, a couple times. I never did, but I thought about it. ”
“Why?”
“Ben…hung himself on…April…April ninth. ” I was forcing myself to slow down, going back to my fluency shaping lessons.
Nell covered her mou
th with her hand, eyes wide and tortured. “He hung himself? Ohmigod…Becca, I’m so sorry. ”
“I tried to call you, but you never answered. Never called me back. Jason called too. ” I tried to keep the bitterness out, but I couldn’t, quite.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just…it was all I could do to stay sane, to survive one day at a time. Things between Colton and me were…tumultuous, at best. ” She took my hand. “I’m sorry, Becca. I’m sorry I’m such a shitty friend. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and you’ve always been there for me. ”
I shrugged. “You had your own…business to take care of. I understand that. ”
“What happened? Why did he do that?”
I shook my head. “It’s a long story. He was never well, you know that. Things just…life…it all became too much for him. It was the only way he could…could cope, I guess. ”
“Is that why you’re stuttering again? You were doing a lot better for a while, weren’t you?”
I nodded. “Yeah. ” I stared at the floor between my feet. “I found him. He left a note, and I found him. He’d…he’d just done it. He was still…still twitching, when I found him. I have…nightmares abou—about it. I always will, I think. ”
“God, Becca. I don’t—I don’t know what to say. ”
“I’m doing better now. I’ve been seeing Dr. Malmstein again. ”
“That’s your therapist? The one you saw after Kyle died?” She said it so smoothly, so calmly. I admired her for it.
“Yeah. I wasn’t going to go, for a while. I sort of shut down for a few months. ”
I wasn’t stuttering. I still spoke in the stilted, scripted way I used to, but it was an improvement. It was almost like having Nell here needing me as her friend had given me a purpose for fluency even Jason couldn’t provide.
“Shut down?” Nell asked.
“Yeah. I basically stopped talking. For, like, two months. Jason made me start going to therapy. ”
“Well, I’m glad he did. I’m glad you didn’t cut. ”
I breathed out slowly. “Me, too. ” I peered at Nell. “How are you, Nell? Really. ”
She leaned back and burrowed deeper into the bed and the nest of thin pillows. “I don’t know yet. I lost the baby. I was pregnant, and I was afraid. I couldn’t tell him. I should’ve. I just…I couldn’t. I kept worrying what he would say, how he would react. If he would still love me, if he would hate me for tying him down with a child. Now…I know I should’ve known better. I should have told him, should have trusted him. ”
I couldn’t breathe. Could she know? She wasn’t looking at me; she was picking a loose thread of the scratchy, loosely woven white hospital blanket. “What—what’s going to happen? With you and Colton?”
“He doesn’t like being called ‘Colton,’ you know. Well, by anyone except me. He goes by ‘Colt. ’” She combed her fingers through her hair, wincing at the way her muscles stretched, still feeling pain. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’ll be together. I’ll probably stay here for a while, a few weeks at least, until I heal. Physically heal. I’ll probably end up seeing a therapist myself. God knows it’s long past due. Colton and I…we love each other. He gets me. I know lots of people aren’t going to understand, though. How can I be in love with him when he’s Kyle’s older brother? I struggled with that for weeks. I fought it so hard. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to let go—I didn’t want to accept love or let him in. I knew somehow that he’d force me to open up. ”
She pinched the bridge of her nose and breathed out, then met my gaze. “You know I never cried for Kyle? Not once. I refused to let myself feel anything, refused to grieve. That’s why I cut. It…it let out the pain, gave me something else to think about, something else to feel besides the ache for him. ” She breathed deep, let it out, repeated the process. I saw her pain in the furrow of her brow, the contained quiver of her chin. “It still hurts. I still think about him…I still see him die in my dreams. But I know—I know—I can’t keep living stuck in that loop. The only way out is through. As for this, losing—losing the…the baby? Same thing. The only way past the pain is through it. You can’t escape it. You can’t ignore it. Pain, grief, anger, misery…they don’t go away—they just increase and compound and get worse. You have to live through them, acknowledge them. You have to give your pain its due. ”
“Listen to you, sounding so wise. ” I tried to laugh, lighten the mood with a joke, but it fell flat.
She winced. “I’m not. God, I’m so not wise at all. I just know pain. That, what I just said, it’s what Colton’s been showing me. He’s been through it himself, through so much. We’re going through this together. ”
“I’m glad you have someone to go through it with. ”
She turned her eyes to mine. “I’m pretty sure I’d be dead without him. ”
“Do you need him to be okay?”
She shrugged. “Yes and no. I know what you’re worried about. It’s not a codependency thing, I promise. I need him, yes, because he’s…just everything. But I know now that I have to keep living, regardless of what happens in life. I’d be a mess without him, but I would like to think I’d cope as best I could. ”
“But you don’t have to be without me,” Colt said from behind us. “I’m not going anywhere. ”
I moved out of the way, felt Jason’s arm come around my waist. He held a Styrofoam cup of burnt coffee in each hand, and I took one from him. The coffee was really, really burnt, but I sipped it anyway.
Nell glanced at me. “I’m really tired. I’m gonna sleep now. Come back tomorrow?”
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“We’ll be here,” I said.
As we left, Colt’s broad, muscular form was bent over Nell, kissing her, brushing her hair away and tugging the blankets around her. He turned to glance at me, his blue eyes piercing mine. I smiled at him, trying to let him know I supported them. I didn’t totally understand how they’d gotten together, how it had happened, but it didn’t matter. I’d heard the love in her voice when she spoke of him, and I’d seen it in the way they looked at each other, in the way he kissed her.
We were halfway home when a thought struck me. “How’d you get here? I have your truck. ”
“Now she wonders. ” Jason laughed. “Bob drove me. I told him it was a family emergency. ”
“Thanks for coming. ”
He glanced at me as he shifted lanes around a slow-moving semi. “It’s Nell. Of course I’d come. ” Silence for a moment, and then he broached the subject. “Are you going to tell me what’s been eating at you for the last two months?”
I felt my heart start to hammer out of my chest. I tried to calm myself with forced deep breathing, but I only succeeded in making myself hyperventilate. I felt Jason’s hand on my back as I leaned forward to put my head between my knees, my head bumping against the glove box.
“Breathe, baby. It’s okay. Breathe. Deep breaths, okay? Slow down. ” His voice washed over me, soothing murmurs.
I sat up and shook my hair out of my face, focused on breathing and scripting out what I was about to say. When I was under some kind of control, I turned to Jason. “Maybe you should pull over. ”
Jason lifted an eyebrow in question but did as I said, swerving across two lanes of traffic to the exit ramp. He pulled into a McDonalds parking lot, put the truck in park, and then turned to me. “What the hell is going on, Beck?”
I took several deep breaths, forced my eyes to his. “I…I’m…I’m pregnant. ”
He blinked at me several times, his expression not altering for the space of several seconds. “You’re pregnant?”
I nodded. “Yes. I took four tests. ”
“How long have you known?” His voice was carefully calm, precisely modulated.
“I’ve only known for sure since yesterday. ”
“But you suspected before that?”
I nodded. “When we had sex, that firs
t time after so long without it? I realized just before I fell asleep that I’d…I’d forgotten to take my birth control since…since Ben’s death. I just…forgot. ” I couldn’t look at him. I stared at the dashboard, the specks of shadow cast by the sun through the windshield. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Why are you apologizing?” He touched my chin, tried to turn my eyes to his, but I pulled away. I didn’t want to cry, but I was going to. He seemed mad, and I was so afraid. “Hey…look at me, please. ”
I wanted to throw open the truck door and run, but instead I focused my tear-blurred gaze on his too-green eyes. “I’m scared, Jason. I’m so scared. ” My voice shook, shuddered, cracked. “You seem mad. I don’t want you to…to leave me. I know we didn’t t-talk about th-this. We—we’re not r-r-ready f-for this. I know we-we-we aren’t. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I—I was scared. ”
I heard the click-zip of his seatbelt unlatching and sliding away, felt his hand drift up my arm to my cheek. He pulled me toward him, and I lunged into his arms. “Baby,” he whispered, his voice a fierce but tender rasp in my ear. “Becca, baby, I’m not mad. I’m not. I’m surprised, yeah. I had no idea. You’ve been acting…odd lately. Getting sick and stuff. I was worried you were gonna tell me you had cancer or something. Don’t apologize. ”
“And then…I found out about n-n-Nell, and I got even more afraid. What if…what if that happens to me?”
“It won’t. ”
“I couldn’t…I couldn’t handle losing anyone else, Jason. I feel like I’m barely hanging on as it is. ”
“This is us, okay?” Jason tilted my chin up and kissed me softly. “I love you. This is a surprise, yes, but I’m not mad. I’m not sure what all exactly I’m feeling, but mad isn’t any part of it. ”
Scant centimeters separated our lips. I felt so vulnerable, so needy. “Promise? I just…I was so scared you’d be upset that I let this happen. ”
He nuzzled my cheek with his. “No, baby. No. You were so messed up after everything happened with Ben. It’s not your fault. It’s not…this isn’t a ‘fault’ thing. It happened, and that’s how it is. We’ll deal with it one day at a time together, okay?”
“I just…you should know now that I’m keeping it. No matter what. ”
“Of course. I wouldn’t want it any other way. ”
He stank of sweat and cut grass and gasoline, and his lips smeared sweat on mine when he kissed me, grease on my skin from his hands, but I wouldn’t have pulled away from him for anything. I clung to him with every fiber of my being, needing his reassurance.
We were having a baby.
SEVENTEEN: Breaking the News; Competing Voices
Jason
Two months later
I sat on the edge of the couch, my palms sweating. Becca sat next to me, her fingers tangled in mine, squeezing hard, telling me she was just as nervous as I was. This, telling her parents she was pregnant…it was terrifying.
By contrast, the NFL Scout Combine earlier in the year had been a cakewalk. My performance at the Combine plus my record made me an easy shoe-in for a first-round pick. I’d been talking to agents for a while and had one lined up, paperwork in order and terms set. Now I just had to wait for the draft next year in April, but it was looking like the New Orleans Saints were the most likely team.
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