“What would you say,” he asked, “if I asked a few more people along? I think there are PCs here.” Based solely on the looks of those three, they were players.
The first was a scarred lady fighter with far more muscles than necessary, a rogue wearing not enough black and clearly looking to pick pockets, and a monk laughing raucously at some joke by the armored lady. After all, nothing said focused ascetic channeler of inner chi like quaffing copious amounts of beer and belching even louder than the rogue.
“I’m certain they’re fellow guests.”
Two dice rolled in his HUD, and luckily they were both 7’s, because he was informed that a Study roll of zero ranks meant he would take the lower die rolled. Well, it would be one of his first purchases.
Glowing greenish halos appeared over their heads, informing him that Paige O. (the fighter), Taz P. (the rogue), and Curtis S. (the monk) were likewise relative newcomers here. They hadn’t chosen character names, so their real names were listed. Brian flipped through a few tome pages and read over one of the first few spells. It would do. The game informed him he had the choice of Resourcefulness, Athletics or Will on this spell, so he went with Will, and rolled a pair of 8’s. That done, he made his approach.
“Greetings,” he said.
“Get lost, NPC,” Curtis slurred.
“I know not of what you speak,” he said. “I seek fellow adventurers, for no hero should take a quest alone.”
Paige burst out laughing, which made her scarred face twist horribly. Taz likewise grinned derisively, and snorted laughter. “Go on, we don’t need–”
“You do need. Don’t tell me you couldn’t simply drink beer anywhere. You chose this, and that tells me you need–”
“What? Power? Adventure? Success?” Curtis asked. “We did a quest already. We’re like heroes around here.”
Brian laughed. “Yes, the people are practically falling all over themselves to reward you.” He swept a hand left, and then to the right, indicating all the bored and otherwise occupied patrons ignoring the three ‘heroes’. “See how they worship you as gods. I see I’ve wasted my time here.”
He turned to leave.
Behind him, Taz was already trying to punk him. He succeeded a Resourcefulness roll, barely, with a 6, and for a brief instant the game showed him a full-on camera shot of Taz reaching forward with a dagger just inside the string holding his pants up. This triggered the spell he’d been preparing when he approached. His Spell Points only dropped by 1, amazingly enough, and what happened he wasn’t entirely sure. One moment his HUD fizzled to a lightning-filled blue and flashed white, and the next he was standing behind a thoroughly confused Taz. The game must have moved him, and blinded the others temporarily by flashing their HUDs with his ‘magic’ so he would appear to teleport.
Fascinating.
Nicole clapped several times and hopped a bit, while saying, “Ooohhhh!”
He flipped through the pages again, and selected a mage hand spell. Another Spell Point later, he’d summoned several pints of beer in glowing halos of magic energy, which floated into their hands. They then drank, and were pleasantly surprised to find real beer for the quaffing.
“There’s more where this came from,” he said. “I have access to a great deal of magic, and I will have more. Of course, we can get rich and level up together, or I can do it all with my lovely partner here, paladin of VIP Services. I merely thought you might enjoy stomping every quest this place has to offer.”
It turned out to be Paige who was after more than just getting sloppy drunk in a floating tavern. She turned wide eyes on the boys, and silently let whatever inside info she had sink in while he waited.
“Dragon…” she breathed.
“Paige, don’t… don’t start with that.”
“I can ride one. Or train one. I can have a dragon!”
“Paige,” Curtis whined.
“You promised I could see one, or fight one. Dragon!”
“But–”
“Dragon, Curtis! DRAGON!”
“If your rogue and monk don’t wish to come along,” Brian said. “This wizard would be glad of your company.”
This gambit had the exact right effect.
“Nope!” Curtis cried. “We’re coming, all right? We’re coming.”
Taz leaned in and whispered something. Brian failed his Study roll with a roll of 3 and 1, but earned a Plot Point at least.
“Great news!” Nicole bubbled.
With another of his credits (this time a sack of Platinum pieces), Brian acquired a cart with horses to pull it from the local hostler. Everything else was easy enough to buy; he picked out what he wanted, and a coin purse simply appeared in his robes. His three new companions seemed to think this was a pretty neat trick, and piled the cart up with all the traveling gear ye olde general stoarre had to offer: tents, sleeping bags, torches, several eleven foot poles, cook kits, fire starters, rations (including wheels of cheese and live chickens), and a small cask of both beer and wine.
While they were getting packed up, Brian told them of the ‘vile infestation’ up to the north.
“Probably more kobolds or goblins,” Taz complained. “Low level stuff.”
“I have it on good authority it won’t be,” Nicole said, and consulted her holy book of VIP Services.
“Do you think there’ll be a dragon on this quest?”
He gave Nicole a significant glance. She arched an eyebrow and smiled. “Oh, I think there’s a pretty good chance you’ll see a dragon on this quest.”
***
The Forest of Grateforestria was ringed by thin clots of smaller, deciduous woods, each one a dozen or two trees banded together just enough to hide bandits, goblins, or whatever other programmed fiend might wish to lurk, spring and then attack. Thin white bark seemed to curl and peel out like paper from the pale timber underneath, begging for a bit of graffiti to anyone who might have brought a pen or quill. Occasionally ramshackle huts peeped out here or there haphazardly from within, and once they spied a pink little pig man building a house made of straw. It didn’t look very sturdy.
“Lemon?” Brian exclaimed, as the air took on a citrussy feel.
Nicole took in a great big manly snort and beamed. “Sure smells like it. But it won’t be any kind of lemon that you know of. Something fantastic, more suited to a temperate zone.”
“I’ll show you my temperate zone for a bag of platinum,” Taz sneered. Curtis laughed but Paige sighed and turned her head, muttering under her breath. Brian felt heat rise to his face.
Nicole smiled, though. “Something so small would surely be better examined by the powerful optics of Galaxies Unknown?
Taz scowled and turned away. Brian chuckled.
“So, where are we exactly?” Paige asked. “Is this still Access Level 0? Are we, like, almost to the dragon?”
“Are we somewhere dangerous yet, or is this still no encounter territory?” Brian translated.
“W-ell…” Nicole thought aloud, her eyes gleaming. “I probably shouldn’t say anything but … since this is Morelon the Learned’s first quest the system is going to guarantee us a random encounter on the way. Something simple probably.”
“Probably?” asked Brian. It seemed like a strange turn of phase. You’d think something guaranteed for a noob like him would be pretty well-written into stone.
“Yeah bruh, I’m with Bruin–” Taz said, clapping a hand onto the wizard’s soldier. “Or, um, roleplay-wise I, Robby the Robber agree with Dickface the Conjuror here that we might need a bit of an explanation.”
Brian’s face colored again. He twinkled his fingers and felt sparks of energy crackle and spark. Here he had power– he didn’t need to take this kind of treatment. But when he looked over Taz the man’s face was laughing and jovial, not taunting. Brian’s ire faded. It’s just him being friendly. Ha, a jokester. A good match for the roguish class.
“Well, it isn’t that complicated to be honest. I think it takes some of the magic
out of the game when you hear all of the mechanics behind it,” Nicole plead. But the others gathered around, their eyes locked on and hungry for information. She sighed, “Look, the way it works is this. Every terrain and sub-terrain type has a list of one-hundred monster species that live there. They are assigned a frequency rating and a battle rating. The commons take up half of the chart and they’re also the weakest, though they can, rarely, be encountered in hordes large enough to threaten high level heroes. From there you get the uncommons, which I suppose are the threat equivalents of 5 level ups. Then you have the rares, the very rares... it goes all the way to legendary. No legendaries in Level 0 or Level 1 access though, I’m afraid.”
Brian had his hand up, playing with his beard. It felt so good– if he ever became a summoning type wizard he’d make sure all of his beasts were covered with the same quality fur.
“So, what you mean is that there is a chance that the system will roll higher than a fifty percent and then we’ll face something a bit stronger than level ones would be comfortable fighting.”
“Uh-huh,” she nodded. Her face was taut with excitement. “That it would be!”
“You seem awfully enthused about all of this,” observed Paige.
“Oh, yeah, hey, you got me,” Nicole laughed, the VIP badge on her paladin armor momentarily shining in the radiance of the afternoon sun. “I happen to know what we rolled! This is gonna be great.”
“Uh,what did we roll?” Curtis asked, shifting uncomfortably under the swaying chains of mail that encompassed his warrior frame.
“100!” Nicole yelled, pulling her bastard sword from its sheath. The ground buckled and shifted, then tore open as a spiky reptilian beast with stocky legs and a triangular head pulled itself out to face them.
Chapter 5- Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Halflings
Morelon the Learned raised both of his hands over his head and imagined a flaming rock popping down out of space onto the creature’s head. In his HUD, he tapped on the meteor spell, which was attached to Wreck, a skill he didn’t have, or Fortitude, which he did. He went with Wreck, because it seemed to make sense, and he also had no idea what would happen if he rolled a no-dot skill. The dice rolled, showing 2 and 1, but instead of another Plot Point, he was given the choice to Spend One Plot Point to re-roll, or Gain a Second Plot Point. He chose to re-roll, and was rewarded with a 6 and 10. Without a skill, the game awarded him the 6, which was enough. Success with Complication! Good info.
He dropped to 13 Spell Points, which was just fine with him.
Beside him, Taz pulled out twin short swords and gave a guttural cry. “To arms, bruh. This monster thing isn’t going to kill itself.”
Morelon turned his head and regarded the man in fascinated surprise, even as a giant flaming space rock exploded down into the massive beast and pounded it, smoking, back into its hole.
“I was starting to get the impression that you didn’t game,” Morelon said.
“Really I’m just here to get drunk and have sex with halflings and maybe Paige, but killing monsters is cool too. Call me Robby the Robber, six-fingered pickpocket and super sweet at swindling too.”
Brian’s Resourcefulness came up a 4, so he failed to notice whatever he was supposed to, which he counted a bad sign.
Nicole moved to Brian’s side, her blade still at the ready. “Six fingers?” she asked, incredulity deep in her eyes.
“I paid extra to have it custom made,” he said, showing them his fix-fingered glove. There was something strange about them.
“Are those all the same size?” Brian/Morelon asked.
“Yep, six middle fingers. Cost me a ton, bro, but worth every penny.”
Curtis rolled up to them. The ground beneath quaked and tremored. “It is easy to pay for stuff like that when it isn’t your pennies,” the monk laughed. “Play time here. Call me Cornholen the Backdoor Intruder.”
“And I’m Casino the Warriorish Princess!” Paige added. “So what was that? A dragon?”
Brian was happy that the party was getting into character, but their names needed a little work. A lot of work actually. It was a problem for later. He made a note to help them out later at the camp.
The tree nearest them began to buck wildly back and forth. Apparently they were all being Resourceful, because the sum of dice rolls flashed in his HUD: Nicole’s 6 and 9, Paige’s 6, Brian’s 4, Cornholen’s 2 and 8 (unskilled) and Robby the Robber’s 1 and 3 (also unskilled). It then informed him that Nicole had taken 3 Stress points for the three failures. Total roll for a team effort relied upon the highest roller.
“Sixty-nine!” Cornholen called. “All right VIP Services!”
“Everyone scatter,” Nicole of VIP Services commanded. She waved a hand over her longsword as she sprinted, turning it into a stunning turquoise shade of blue.
Boosh! When the ground broke open it sounded like the first release of steam from an old locomotive. It wasn’t crunchy, and the beast’s movement matched the smoothness of the sound. Watching it rise and leap into the air put Brian in mind of a killer whale arcing over a rocky sea outcropping, to land perfectly into the depths beyond.
“What’s it doing?” Cornholen the Backdoor Intruder asked. He panted a bit as he crouched near the base of a papery white tree.
“It’s flying free!” Casino the Warriorish Princess cheered, her arms raised in the air.
“Air stomp, mass effect radius 200 ft. Successful dodge saves you a lot of pain, and up to two harms worth of damage,” Nicole added, moving herself behind a tree trunk of her own and crouching.
The HUD flashed with its possibilities: would he like to power through the seismic attack (Fortitude of 1), dodge out of the way (Athletics of 2 or Survival unskilled). He swatted at the first dodge option in the midst of running pell mell the fuck away from there.
“Wut?” Robby asked, still standing where the others had fled from. He looked up at the enormous body about to flatten him and made a decision. “Jesus H Christ!” he screamed as he dropped his blade and took off at a high sprint in the direction of Nicole.
The beast hammered a belly flop into the hard earth, and three distinct rings of dirt blasted out from the beast at all angles. Robby shot up and then out, a rocket without a steering yoke. He zipped past Nicole, who laughed uproariously as she crouched, unaffected by the attack.
Damn I bet she’s top level Brian admired from his own hiding place in a shrub. He panicked a bit, the lines of force coming at him quickly with Casino flying along screaming inside them, and he rotated his hands in front of him. Shields wove into existence where he spun them.
Everything slowed for a moment, just long enough to allow him to choose between skills for the spell: Command of 1, or Lore of 2. He went with the Lore roll.
I hope that’s enough!
Booooooove– the sound of time slowing down flickered and sparked around him– he wasn’t sure if it was the adrenaline in his system, or the game dealing with so much happening all at the same time. But it was glorious. High on his HUD, dice clacked on an invisible table, and ended up at 7 and 10. His shields bowed and flared, one burning out in a green-blue flare, then the other. He closed his eyes as the last one struggled and cracked ... and then he heard the sound of Casino’s screaming arc over him and his heart soared.
I did it! I fucking did it!
“Fuck you Brett Musky!” Morelon the Learned screamed, two middle fingers shining bright in the mid-afternoon sun.
“Well that seems a bit meta,” Cornholen guffawed. He’d also survived the onslaught of the beast’s special attack.
“I– uh– I’ll have to explain it later.”
Twin circles appeared on the right side of his HUD, beneath where he watched the dice rolls come in. One was green, and read The Beast is Slain, complete with eight pie slices. The other read Dragonfire Is Not Your Friend, only this one had six segments. One segment on each pie flashed to life.
Cornholen nodded, whirled a bo staff in readiness, while Bria
n prepped one of the two Legendary spells in the grimoire’s repertoire. Most of the spells were just insane, like Wish or Major Curse, but a few of them seemed more promising. No, he’d save the really game-altering stuff for Cornholen and his friends if the time for that ever came.
He located a freezing cone spell, and prepared it. The dice rolls came up again, three choices for him: Command, Lore, or Survival, and he chose Lore once again. This time he rolled a 6 and an 8, which was another Success with Complication.
The beast was panting, apparently suffering a game-mandated loss of action after such a powerful maneuver. A quarrel whistled through the air and dug into the monster’s face. It bellowed in pain, and lit up another segment on the Slain clock, but two segments on the Dragonfire clock.
Shit shit shit.
Cornholen shot forward and like a great big idiot rapped his thick wooden stick against the dragon’s knobbled hide. The result must’ve been a failure, because the only thing that happened was one more segment filled in on the Dragonfire clock, leaving only one remaining. Honestly, the result couldn’t have been anything but a failure. Who was this idiot fooling?
In response, the great beast’s chest flared to life with molten power. For a moment, he could see the thing’s cock and balls dribbling flame as well.
The freezing cone shot out of Brian’s outstretched hand, and pummeled the dragon with ripping icicles and wintry winds. They swirled out in a spiral that left half the great beast covered with frost, and deep bands of ice stretching out, back away from where Brian was. Two segments filled in on the Slain clock, plus another two for hitting its weakness. It still had two hit points left, and if Cornholen had anything to do about the situation, they’d all be charcoal briquettes after the next attack.
Luckily, he had 10 Spell Points left to use as a charcoal briquette.
Except the next attack came from Nicole. Calling upon the power of VIP Services, one moment she was behind the tree, the next she was standing upon the monster’s back, plunging her glowing blade into its spine. It gave a high-pitched warble, and then it fell silent. The green clock filled up, then faded into nothing, while the red clock disappeared in an explosion of crimson sparks.
DoucheMage Page 5