The Last Letter

by Rebecca Yarros

  His eyes widened, and he sank into his bunk.

  …

  Three nights later, New Kid was dead.

  Johnson. He’d earned his name and lost his life saving Doc’s ass.

  I lay awake while everyone else slept, my eyes drifting to the empty bunk. He hadn’t belonged here, and we’d all known it—expressed our concerns. He hadn’t been ready. Not ready for the mission, the pace of our unit, or death.

  Not that death cared.

  The clock turned over, and I was twenty-eight.

  Happy birthday to me.

  Deaths always struck me differently when we were out on deployment. They usually fell into two categories. Either I brushed it off and we moved on, or my mortality was a sudden, tangible thing. Maybe it was my birthday, or that New Kid was little more than a baby, but this was the second type.

  Hey, Mortality, it’s me, Beckett Gentry.

  Logically, I knew that with the mission over, we’d head home in the next couple of days, or on to the next hellhole. But in that moment, a raw need for connection gripped me in a way that felt like a physical pressure in my chest.

  Not attachment, I told myself. That shit was trouble.

  But to be connected to another human in a way that wasn’t reserved for the brothers I served with, or even my friendship with Mac, which was the closest I’d ever gotten to family.

  In a move of sheer impulsivity, I grabbed my flashlight and the letter from where I’d tucked it into a journal on mountaineering.

  Balancing the flashlight on my shoulder, I ripped open the letter and unfolded the lined notebook paper full of neat, feminine scroll.

  I read the letter once, twice…a dozen times, placing her words with the pictures of her face I’d seen over the years. I imagined her sneaking a few moments in the early morning to get the letter written, wondered what her day had been like. What kind of guy walked out on his pregnant wife? An asshole.

  What kind of woman took on twins and a business when she was still a kid herself? A really damn strong one.

  A strong, capable woman who I needed to know. The yearning that grabbed ahold of me was uncomfortable and undeniable.

  Keeping as quiet as possible, I took out a notebook and pen.

  A half hour later, I sealed the envelope and then hit Mac in the shoulder with it.

  “What the hell?” he snapped at me, rolling over.

  “I want my cookies.” I enunciated every word with the seriousness I usually reserved for Havoc’s commands.

  He laughed.

  “Ryan, I’m serious.” Whipping out the first name meant business.

  “Yeah, well, you snooze, you lose your cookies.” He smirked and settled back into his bunk, his breathing deep and even a few seconds later.

  “Thank you,” I said quietly, knowing he couldn’t hear me. “Thank you for her.”

  Chapter Two

  Ella

  Letter #1

  Ella,

  You’re right, your brother outright ate those cookies. But in his defense, I waited too long to open your letter. I figure if we actually do this, we should be honest, right?

  So one, I’m not good with people. I could give you a bunch of excuses, but really, I’m just not good with them. Chalk it up to saying the wrong thing, being blunt, or just not seeing the need for mindless chatter or any other number of things. Needless to say, I’ve never written letters to…anyone, now that I think about it.

  Second, I like that you write in pen. It means you don’t go back and censor yourself. You don’t overthink, just write what you mean. I bet you’re like that in person, too—saying what you think.

  I don’t know what to tell you about me that wouldn’t get blacked out by censors, so how about this: I’m twenty-eight as of about five minutes ago, and other than my friends here, I have zero connections to the world around me. Most of the time I’m good with that, but tonight I’m wondering what it’s like to be you. To have so much responsibility, and so many people depending on you. If I could ask you one question, that would be it: What’s it like to be the center of someone’s universe?

  V/R,

  Chaos

  …

  I read the letter for the third time since it came this morning, my fingers running over the choppy handwriting comprised of all capital letters. When Ryan had said there was someone in his unit he was hoping I’d take on as a pen pal, I thought he’d lost his mind.

  The guys he served with were usually about as open as a locked gun safe. Our father had been the same way. Honestly, I’d figured when weeks had passed without a reply, the guy had snubbed my offer. Part of me had been relieved—it wasn’t like I didn’t have enough on my plate. But there was something to be said for the possibilities of a blank piece of paper. To be able to empty my thoughts to someone I would never meet was oddly freeing.

  Given his letter, I wondered if he felt the same.

  How could someone make it to twenty-eight without having…someone, anyone in any capacity? Ry had said the guy was tight-lipped and had a heart as approachable as a brick wall, but Chaos just seemed…lonely.

  “Mama, I’m bored.” Maisie said from next to me, kicking her feet under the chair.

  “Well, you know what?” I asked in a singsong voice, tucking the letter away inside my purse.

  “Only boring people are bored?” she replied, blinking up at me with the biggest blue eyes in the world. She tilted her head and screwed up her nose, making wrinkles at the top. “Maybe they wouldn’t be so boring if they had stuff to do.”

  I shook my head, but smiled, and offered her my iPad.

  “Be careful with it, okay?” We couldn’t afford to replace it, not with three of the guest cabins getting new roofs this week. I’d already sold off twenty-five acres at the back of the property line to finance the repairs that had been long coming and mortgaged the property to the hilt to finance the expansion.

  Maisie nodded, her blond ponytail bobbing as she swiped the iPad open to find her favorite apps. How the heck a five-year-old navigated the thing better than I did was a mystery. Colt was a wiz on the thing, too, just not quite as tech savvy as Maisie. Mostly because he was too busy climbing whatever he wasn’t supposed to be.

  My gaze darted up to the clock. Four p.m. The doc was already a half hour late for the appointment he’d asked me for. I knew Ada didn’t mind watching Colt, but I hated having to ask her. She was in her sixties and, while still spry, Colt was anything but easy to keep up with. She called him “lightning in a bottle,” and she wasn’t far off.

  Maisie absentmindedly rubbed the spot on her hip she’d been complaining about. The complaint had gone from a twinge, to an ache, to the ever-present hurt that never quite left her.

  Just before I was about to lose my temper and head for the receptionist, the doc knocked before coming in.

  “Hey, Ella. How are you feeling, Margaret?” Doctor Franklin asked with a kind smile and a clipboard.

  “Maisie,” she corrected him with serious eyes.

  “Of course,” he agreed with a nod, shooting me a slight smile. No doubt I was still five years old in his eyes, considering Dr. Franklin had been my pediatrician, too. His hair had more gray, and there was an extra twenty pounds around his middle, but he was still the same as he was when my grandmother brought me to this office. Nothing much changed in our little town of Telluride. Sure, ski season came, the tourists flooding our streets with their Land Rovers, but the tide always receded, leaving behind the locals to resume life as usual.

  “How’s the pain today?” he asked, coming down to her level.

  She shrugged and focused on the iPad.

  I tugged it free of her little hands and arched an eyebrow at her disapproving face.

  She sighed, the sound way older than a five-year-old’s, but turned back to Dr. Franklin. “It always h
urts. It hasn’t not hurt in forever.”

  He looked over at me for clarification.

  “It’s been at least six weeks.”

  He nodded, then frowned as he stood, flipping the papers on the board.

  “What?” Frustration twisted my stomach, but I bit my tongue. It wasn’t going to do Maisie any good for me to lose my temper.

  “The bone scan results are clean.” He leaned against the exam table and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck.

  My shoulders sagged. It was the third test they’d run on Maisie and still nothing.

  “Clean is good, right?” she asked.

  I forced a smile for her benefit and handed the iPad back to her. “Honey, why don’t you play for a sec while I sneak a word with Dr. Franklin in the hallway?”

  She nodded, eagerly getting back to whatever game she’d been in the middle of.

  I met Dr. Franklin in the hall, leaving the door open just a smidge so I could keep an ear on Maisie.

  “Ella, I don’t know what to tell you.” He folded his arms across his chest. “We’ve run X-rays, the scan, and if I thought she’d lie still long enough for an MRI, we could try that. But in all honesty, we’re not seeing anything physically wrong with her.”

  The sympathetic look he gave me grated on my last nerve.

  “She’s not making this up. Whatever pain she’s in is very real, and something is causing it.”

  “I’m not saying the pain isn’t real. I’ve seen her often enough to know that something is up. Has anything changed at home? Any new stressors? I know it can’t be easy on you running that place by yourself with two little kids to take care of, especially at your age.”

  My chin rose a good inch, just like it did any time someone brought up my kids and my age in the same sentence.

  “The brain is a very powerful—”

  “Are you suggesting that this is psychosomatic?” I snapped. “Because she’s having trouble walking now. Nothing has changed in our house. It’s the same as it has been since I brought them home from this very hospital, and she’s not under any undue stress in kindergarten, I assure you. This is not in her head; it’s in her hip.”

  “Ella, there’s nothing there,” he said softly. “We’ve looked for breaks, ligament tears, everything. It might be a really bad case of growing pains.”

  “That is not growing pains! There’s something you’re missing. I looked on the internet—”

  “That was your first mistake.” He sighed. “Looking on the internet will convince you that a cold is meningitis and a leg pain is a giant blood clot ready to dislodge and kill you.”

  My eyes widened.

  “It’s not a blood clot, Ella. We did an ultrasound. There’s nothing there. We can’t fix a problem that we don’t see.”

  Maisie wasn’t making it up. It wasn’t in her head. It wasn’t some symptom of being born to a young mom or not having a dad in the picture. She was in pain, and I couldn’t help her.

  I was completely and utterly powerless.

  “Then I guess I’ll take her home.”

  …

  I savored the walk from the county road back to the main house. Getting the mail this time of year was always my own little way of sneaking out, and I enjoyed it even more now that I had Chaos’s letters to look forward to. I was expecting number six any day now. The late October air was brisk, but we were still a good month away from the slopes opening. Then my small moments of serenity would be swallowed by the torrent of bookings.

  Thank God, because we really needed the business. Not that I didn’t enjoy the slower pace of fall after the summer hikers went home, but it was our winters that kept Solitude in the black. And with our new, painful mortgage payments, the income was necessary.

  But for now, this was perfect. The aspens had turned gold and were beginning to lose their leaves, which currently covered the tree-lined drive from the road to the house. It wasn’t far, only a hundred yards or so, but it was just enough distance to give visitors that feeling of seclusion they were looking for.

  Our main house held a few guest rooms, the professional kitchen, dining room, and game rooms, plus a separate, small residential wing where I lived with the kids. It always teemed with life when someone wanted company. But Solitude got her name, and her reputation, from the fifteen secluded cabins that dotted our two hundred acres. If someone wanted the convenience of luxury accommodations and proximity to civilization, while still getting away from it all, we were the perfect spot.

  Now if only I could afford the advertising to get the cabins booked. You could build it all day long; people only came if they knew you existed.

  “Ella, you busy?” Larry asked from the front porch. His eyes danced under bushy gray eyebrows that seemed to curl in every direction.

  “Nope. What’s up?” I fidgeted with the mail as I walked up the steps, pausing on a board that might need to be replaced. The thing about rebranding yourself as a luxury resort was that people expected perfection.

  “There’s something waiting for you on the table.”

  “Waiting?” I ignored his grin—the man was never going to be a poker player—and headed inside.

  I kicked off my boots and slid them under one of the benches in the foyer. The newly refinished hardwood was warm under my feet as I crossed in front of the receptionist’s desk.

  “Good walk?” Hailey looked up from her phone and smiled.

  “Just got the mail, nothing special.” I gripped the stack of letters in my hand, prolonging the torture for a few more moments. Besides, that top envelope was a bill from Dr. Franklin, which I wasn’t in a hurry to open.

  It had been almost a month since I’d taken Maisie to see him, and there was still no diagnosis for her worsening pain. This was just another bill to remind me that I’d dropped us to the lowest insurance premiums possible to get us through this year.

  “Uh-huh. You’re not looking for a letter, are you?” Her brown eyes were wide with mock innocence.

  “I shouldn’t have told you about him.” She was never going to let me hear the end of it, but I honestly didn’t mind. Those letters were the one thing I had just for me. The one place where I could be open and honest without judgment or expectation.

  “Hey, it’s better than you living vicariously through my love life.”

  “Your love life gives me whiplash. Besides, we’re just writing. There’s nothing romantic. Ryan needed a favor. That’s all.”

  “Ryan. When is he coming home again?” She sighed that dreamy sigh most of the local girls let out whenever my brother was mentioned.

  “Should be a little after Christmas, and seriously, you were what? Twelve when he left to join up?”

  Hailey was only two years younger than me, but I felt infinitely older. Maybe I’d aged ten years per kid, or running Solitude had prematurely shoved me into middle age, but whatever it was, there was a lifetime between us.

  “Stop dawdling!” Larry urged, nearly jumping up and down.

  “What’s the big deal?”

  “Ella, get in here!” Ada called from the dining room.

  “Both of you are after me now?” I shook my head at Larry but followed him into the dining room.

  “Ta-da!” Ada said, waving her arms in a flourish toward the dark farmhouse-style table.

  I followed her motions, finding the magazine I’d been waiting for sitting there, its bright-blue cover standing out against the wood.

  “When did it get here?” My voice dropped.

  “This morning,” Ada answered.

  “But…” I held up the stack of mail.

  “Oh, I just left all that in there. I wasn’t going to deprive you of your favorite time of day.”

  A few quiet, tense moments passed while I stared at the magazine. Mountain Vacations: Colorado’s Best of 2019. Winter edition.
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br />   “It’s not going to bite,” Ada said, scooting the magazine toward me.

  “No, but it could make or break us.”

  “Read it, Ella. Lord knows I already did,” she said, pushing her glasses back up her nose.

  I snatched the magazine off the table, dropping the pile of mail in its place, and thumbed through it.

  “Page eighty-nine,” Ada urged.

  My heart pounded, and my fingers seemed to stick on every page, but I made it to page eighty-nine.

  “Number eight, Solitude, Telluride, Colorado!” My hands shook as I took in the glossy photographs of my property. I knew they’d sent someone to review us but hadn’t known when.

  “We’ve never been in the top twenty, and you just landed in the top ten!” Ada pulled me into a hug, her larger frame dwarfing mine. “Your grandmother would be so very proud. All the renovations you’ve done, everything you’ve sacrificed. Heck, I’m proud of you, Ella.” She pulled back, thumbing the tears from her eyes. “Well, don’t just stand there blubbering, read!”

  “She’s not the one blubbering, woman,” Larry said, coming around to hug his wife. These two were just as much Solitude as I was. They’d been with my grandmother since she’d opened, and I knew they’d stay with me as long as they could.

  “‘Solitude is a hidden gem. Nestled in the San Juan Mountains, the unique resort boasts not only a family feel in the main house, but over a dozen newly refurbished luxury cabins for those unwilling to trade privacy for proximity to the slopes. Only a ten-minute drive to some of the best skiing Colorado has to offer, Solitude offers you just that—a haven from the tourist-heavy Mountain Village. This B&B feels more like a resort and is perfect for those seeking the best of both worlds: impeccable service and the feeling of being alone in the mountains. It is the pure Colorado experience.’”

  They loved us! We were a top ten Colorado B&B! I clutched the magazine to my chest and let joy wash through me. Moments like this didn’t come every day, or even every decade, it seemed, and this one was mine.

  “The pure Colorado experience is what exists when the tourists go home,” Larry muttered but grinned.