Soon it was just Beckett, Maisie, and me sitting on the bench, facing the house Beckett had built for us.
“Are you ready?” Beckett asked. “We can stay as long as you like.”
I couldn’t bear to watch them pour dirt over my little boy, to block out the sunlight on his face. It felt too final, too wrong. “Yeah, let’s go.”
We walked past where the workers were adjusting Colt, and I stopped at Ryan’s headstone, putting my hand on the smooth granite surface. “He’s with you, now. And I know you never really wanted to be a parent, but you have to be, just for a little while. Until we get there. Make sure he plays. Teach him everything, anything he wants to know. Hug him, and love him, and then let him shine. He’s yours for a little while.”
My vision blurred, and Beckett took my arm. I turned to see Maisie kneeling at the edge of Colt’s grave, her shoulders shaking. I moved forward, but Beckett stopped me. “Give her a second.”
I heard it then, her little voice talking to him. I couldn’t make out the words but knew it was just for the two of them, like so much had been while he was alive. Beckett stood silent, supporting me until Maisie was ready.
How do you say goodbye to the person who shared your soul? Who had been with you through every heartbeat of your life?
She stood up, tall and sure, then turned to us with a sad smile. Then, she wiped her eyes and stopped crying. “He’s okay now. We both are.”
And somehow I knew she meant it. She’d found her peace with the certainty that only a child could have.
It felt like a blink, but we were back in the house. Ada had organized the reception in the main house, so mine was quiet and empty, which was exactly what I needed.
I sent Beckett up to the house with Maisie, and simply sat, trying just to be. Havoc lay at my side, curling her head in my lap as I forced air through my lungs, concentrating on the simple mechanisms of living.
There was a knock at the door, and then Captain Donahue entered. “I’m so sorry to bother you. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, nor will I pretend to know.” He stood in front of me and then dropped to my eye level. So much like Beckett. “I know this might not be the time, but we’re shipping out, and I don’t know when I’ll get back to Telluride. So this is for you.”
He handed me a white envelope with Beckett’s handwriting on it. It was addressed to me.
“What is this?” I asked, peeling back the paper.
“Don’t read it yet. Now isn’t the time. Some of the guys asked me to keep their last letters. I kept Mac’s for Gentry, and I kept Gentry’s for you.”
“For me?”
He nodded. “I’m leaving it with you in case you start to feel lost or forget how much he loves you. Like I said, not for now. But for someday.”
He left, but I didn’t remember the act of him leaving, or anyone else returning. The steady rhythm of my breathing was all I could concentrate on, counting to ten over and over, trying to live through the pain. I sat there, drank the water that was handed to me, ate the food that was prepared, and faked a smile when Maisie said it was time for bed.
I pulled myself together enough to tuck her in. I brushed her hair behind her ear with my fingers and put my hand over her chest as she drifted off, the day taking its toll on her tiny body. The beat of her heart gave strength to mine, the knowledge that she was still here because I’d fought like hell to keep her alive.
But God hadn’t given me that chance with Colt.
I found Beckett in the hallway, leaning in the doorway of Colt’s room.
“It’s like some kind of cruel joke,” I said, startling Beckett. “Like this isn’t real.”
He turned back toward me. “I keep expecting to find him in here. Like I can tell Havoc to seek him, and he’ll pop out from wherever he’s hiding.”
I nodded, my words failing me.
“Let’s walk,” he suggested.
I didn’t object as we walked outside, the fresh air stinging my raw, salt-wounded cheeks. Across the water, my son lay next to my brother, and I still couldn’t grasp the reality of it all. The fog that had surrounded my brain since the fall began to clear with the breeze off the lake, leaving room for other emotions for the first time in days.
This. Wasn’t. Fair. None of it. Colt deserved better.
“I fought so hard for Maisie,” I said, bracing my hands on the wooden banister of my deck. “I kept saying that she needed me, and that Colt would be okay, but Maisie was dying. How damn stupid was that?” My voice broke.
Beckett leaned back against the railing and listened, like he knew I wasn’t looking for a response.
“All of those treatments, and trips, and hospital stays, just trying to keep her alive from the monster inside her. All that fear, and joy when she went into remission. All of those emotions…and then this happens. He falls only a few miles from our house and dies before I can even say goodbye to him.”
His hand covered mine on the railing.
“Why didn’t I get the chance to fight for him? I should have had the chance. Where were his doctors? His treatments? Where were his binder and his timeline? Where the hell was I? Did I trade his life for hers? Is that what happened?”
“No.”
“That’s what it feels like. Like every worst nightmare I had about Maisie, preparing to lose her, just came true with Colt, but it’s worse than anything I could have imagined. I’ve spent two years battling for Maisie’s life, while making sure I made every moment special because it could be her last. I was so busy staring down the freight train headed for Maisie that I lost sight of Colt, and now he’s lost. I lost him.”
“He knew you loved him,” Beckett said softly.
“Did he? I keep playing that morning over in my mind. We were in such a rush, and I hugged him—I remember that—but I don’t think I told him that I loved him. He ran off so fast, and I didn’t think anything of it. I thought I’d see him later. Why didn’t I stop him? Why didn’t we sleep in later? He would have missed the bus. Why didn’t I hug him longer? It was so fast, Beckett. All of it. His whole life went by so fast, and I forgot to tell him I loved him.”
“He knew.”
I shook my head. “No. I missed his plays, and games, and projects, and months of his life because I chose Maisie, and he knew it. I always chose Maisie because I didn’t know that he’d be the one to go. What kind of mother does that? Chooses one child over the other constantly?”
“If you hadn’t, we’d be burying two children right now. Ella, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t trade Colt for Maisie. You didn’t bargain him away, didn’t lose him because you fought like hell for her. This was an act of…I don’t even know. It was an accident.”
“There’s no reason! None. No war to fight, no way to battle what just happened. It was over before I knew it even began. I couldn’t fight for him. I would have, Beckett. I would have fought.”
Beckett wiped the tears I hadn’t felt. “I know you would have. I’ve never met a woman who fights like you do. And I know it doesn’t help you, but I fought. I did everything I could think of, and when that wasn’t enough, I lay down and held him for the both of us. He was not alone. You did not abandon him. You never abandoned him. Not during Maisie’s illness, and not the day of the field trip.”
The pain overwhelmed my system. I couldn’t imagine it ever lessening, or living with it day after day.
“I don’t know how to breathe. How to get up tomorrow.”
He wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on top of my head. “We figure it out together. And if you can’t breathe, I’ll do it for you. One morning at a time. Minute by minute if we have to.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Because a very wise woman told me once that you can’t reason with the universe, no matter how sound your logic is. And that we can either breathe through the pain or we can let it sha
pe us. So I’m sure that we’ll take it breath by breath until the ache lessens just a tiny bit.”
“It’s never going to go away.”
“No. I’m going to miss him every single day. Maybe we lost a little of our sunshine, but Maisie’s here, and it might not be as bright without Colt, but it’s not entirely dark, either.”
He was right. I knew it in my head, but my heart still couldn’t seem to see past the next five minutes.
“Captain Donahue stopped by. He wanted to say goodbye. I guess the unit is shipping out,” I said carefully. If Beckett was going to leave, this would be the time. Now that Telluride was a painful place to be.
“I’ll wish them luck.”
“You don’t want to go?” My chest drew tight, waiting for the answer.
He turned me in his arms so he could see my face. “No. I don’t want to go. And it doesn’t matter anyway. I signed the papers last week. I’m out.”
“You’re out?”
“I’m out. Besides, the full-time gig at Search and Rescue has some really good insurance.” He gave me a little half smile.
“You’re out. You’re not leaving.”
“Even if you kick me out, I’ll still sleep at your back door. I’m never leaving you.” The truth rang clear in his voice, his eyes.
I’d forgotten to tell Colt I loved him. I would never make the same mistake again.
“I love you,” I said. “I’m sorry I haven’t said it for so long. But I love you. I never stopped.”
“I love you.” He placed a kiss on my forehead. “We’re going to be okay.”
In that second, I didn’t feel like we would be, but my brain knew he was right. Because for that brief second when he’d told me he’d chosen to stay, a flash of joy had streaked across my heart, only to be extinguished quickly by overwhelming grief.
But that flash had been there. I was still capable of feeling something other than…this.
So I took my happy and tucked it away. I’d bring it out again when it wasn’t so dark, when there was room in my soul for it.
And for now, breathing was all I could do.
And it was enough.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ella
Ella,
If you’re reading this, it means I can’t see you in January like we planned. I’m so very sorry. I used to say that I couldn’t be scared while I was here, because I had nothing to lose. But the minute I read your first letter, that all changed.
I changed.
If I never told you, then let me say it now. Your words saved me. You reached into the darkness and pulled me out with your kindness and your strength. You did the impossible and touched my soul.
You’re a phenomenal mother. Never doubt it. You’re enough. Those kids are so lucky to have you on their side. No matter what happens with Maisie’s diagnosis, or Colt’s stubbornness, you are the biggest blessing those kids could ever ask for.
Do something for me? Contact my financial manager. His number is at the bottom. I changed my life insurance to Colt and Maisie. Use it to send them to college, or give them the start they need to find their passion. I can’t think of a better use for it.
Want to hear something crazy? I’m in love with you. That’s right. Somewhere between letter number one and twenty or so, I realized I was in love with you. Me, the guy who can’t connect to other humans, fell for the woman he’s never been in the same room with.
So if I’m gone, I want you to remember that. Ella, you are so incredible that you made me fall in love with you with only your words.
Don’t keep your words to yourself. No matter what, find someone who wants to hear them as badly as I do. Then love.
And do me a favor—love enough for the both of us.
All my love,
Beckett Gentry
Call Sign Chaos
…
Three months later.
“Where do you want this?” Beckett asked, holding a box marked “kitchen.”
“Probably the kitchen,” I teased.
“Ha, ha,” he fake-laughed as he carried it past me into the kitchen, setting it with the others.
“How many more do you have out there?” I asked from the great room.
“Just a few of the stragglers in the truck. Why?” He gripped my hips and pulled me to him. “Have plans for me?”
“Maybe,” I said with a slow smile. Somewhere in the last month, I’d stopped faking the small smiles. The bigger ones were still purely for Maisie’s benefit, but the tiny ones? Those were real. Those were mine.
“I like the sound of that.” He lowered his head until our lips met in a kiss. “Would these plans maybe include the shower? Because I had this little bench built into it—”
An icy blast of air hit us as the front door flew open. We turned to see Maisie and Emma fly in, snow covering their hats as they stomped their way to the mudroom giggling.
“That zip line is the best!” Emma said as her boots hit the floor.
“Right? Wait until it’s summer and we can do the other one that goes into the lake!” Maisie added.
The one Beckett had built a few weeks after Colt died. He did a million things like that—keeping Colt with him in his own way. Maisie was right, both of Beckett’s best friends were on that island, and just as Ryan had a part of Beckett that I might never know, so did Colt.
Beckett kissed me again quickly and headed to the garage for another box.
“How about some hot chocolate, girls?” I offered.
“Yes, please!” they both answered at the same time.
I pulled the cocoa down and started, pausing to admire the view of the snow falling on the frozen lake. My heart gave that familiar warning, and I looked away from the island, concentrating on getting mugs for the girls.
I missed Colt every day. Every minute.
But the months had given me just enough time that every second didn’t belong to my grief. And I knew that time span would only grow. It would never leave entirely, but at least I wasn’t capsizing on that ocean of grief with every heartbeat anymore. The waves still came in. Sometimes they were predictable, like the tide. Other times they hit me with the force of a tsunami, sending me tumbling so deep that I felt like I was at day one again, instead of day 105.
The girls ran in, hopping on the barstools I’d bought to slide under the granite expanse. They laughed and talked about the upcoming Christmas play. I poured the cocoa and plopped a few marshmallows in before sliding them across the counter.
“Thanks, Mrs. MacKenzie,” Emma said before taking a sip.
I didn’t correct her about the Mrs., just smiled. “No problem.”
“Thanks, Mom!” Maisie said, sipping at hers.
Beckett walked in with another box and put it with the stack next to the kitchen table. Then he leaned back against the counter with me. “What is this language?” he asked, staring at the girls.
“Girl speak,” I informed him. “They’re discussing the guest list for Emma’s birthday party next month.”
Maisie’s birthday had just passed. She was eight now, older than Colt would ever be. She would grow and mature and thrive, but Colt would stay forever frozen at seven years old. The day had been hard, but Maisie had invited her new best friend.
Turned out that when Emma and Maisie both lost Colt, they found each other. Even gone, he was still giving gifts to his sister.
“Cocoa, huh?” Beckett asked, stealing a sip of Maisie’s.
“Dad!” she chided with a giggle.
God, I loved the sound of that just as much as she loved saying it. We’d told her after the funeral, knowing she deserved to know every day of her life that Beckett loved her so much he’d become her dad. He’d saved her life, but that was something we kept between the two of us.
Beckett kissed my cheek
and started opening the boxes, laughing when he found one of Colt’s toys stashed in one of the pans. I loved that about him, the way he could talk about Colt and smile through the pain. He kept him alive in more ways than one. Through the zip lines, the pictures he hung around the house, the framed red leaf. He was never afraid to say his name, and more than once I’d come home to find him and Maisie snuggled up on the couch watching video clips of Colt.
I had yet to make it through one without crumbling. Maybe one day I’d be able to smile at the sound of Colt’s voice. For now, it was simply a reminder of what I’d lost and how empty everything felt without him.
Beckett kept us moving forward at a pace that was uncomfortable but manageable. He never let me wallow too long, but never let me ignore the pain, either. He pushed my boundaries and then backed off, and if not for him, I might have chosen to simply stop moving at all.
Maisie kept my heart beating.
Beckett kept me living.
I made sure they both knew I loved them every day.
It had taken almost all of the three months, but I finally read Beckett’s last letter, and that was what got me here, into this house he built for the four of us—that would now house three.
Love enough for the both of us. That’s what he’d said in the letter. And it spoke to my heart in a way nothing else could. Because that’s what Colt would have wanted. He would have wanted to move into this house and live our life with the guy we all loved.
The man who craved my words and owned my heart.
He’d signed that letter with his real name. The last words Chaos had spoken to me merged the two men I loved until I saw them both in the Beckett who was currently looking at my garlic press like it was a torture device.
“This drawer,” I told him, opening the one at my hip.
“Eyelash curler?” he asked, dropping it in the drawer.
“It’s for smoothies. Works great on strawberries.” I shrugged.
“Liar!” He laughed, then went back to unpacking.
I glanced out the window at the island and took a steadying breath as that ache ripped into me. Then I grabbed the next box and started unpacking, item by item, merging my life with Beckett’s. I moved forward because that’s where Beckett and Maisie were, and that’s what Colt would have wanted. After all, he was here, too, in every line of this house Beckett had built for him—for us.
The Last Letter Page 40