It was a text message from Keith.
That stole all my attention.
Your son wants to talk to you… and come home right now.
“Hey, are you okay?” Ramsey asked as he chased after me.
I completely forgot about him for a few seconds. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Rams. Keith texted me. About Sam.”
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I need to call him.”
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll go back inside. Give you some privacy.”
“Thank you,” I said.
I looked down at my phone and Ramsey touched my arm.
“Hey,” he whispered.
“What?” I asked.
“Don’t leave when you’re done. Or if you have to, let me know.”
The look in his eyes was sincere. Raw and sincere.
Did he actually like me or something?
I nodded. “I won’t take off. I promise.”
Ramsey slipped away and opened the door to the bar. The music and voices poured out for a few seconds.
There were two guys smoking so I walked across the alley to a little café that had long since been closed for the day. There I sat on an old park bench and called Keith.
“Here, talk to him,” Keith’s voice said without so much as a quick hello.
I sighed and swallowed all the explosive things I wanted to say to him.
“Mom?” Sam’s little voice said over the phone.
“Hey, Sammy,” I said. “How’s it going?”
“I don’t feel good. I want to come home.”
I gritted my teeth and readied myself. “You are home, Sammy. You have two homes. One with me. One with Dad. You’re coming home tomorrow.”
“I want to come home now.”
“You know, saying that hurts Dad’s feelings. He works hard and waits to see you, Sammy.”
Sam didn’t reply.
“Sammy, is Marcy there?”
“No,” he said.
“Okay. Did you watch a scary movie?”
“No.”
“What did you do with Dad today?”
“He took me to the store. We got this airplane that you fly.”
“That sounds fun. Was it fun?”
“Yeah,” Sam said.
“What did you have for dinner?”
I mouthed the word pizza as Sam’s worried voice said, “Pizza.”
I rolled my eyes.
Would it kill Keith to switch things up?
“I wish I had pizza,” I said. “Can you bring me leftovers?”
Sam laughed. “You can ask Dad.”
“Sammy, listen to me. You can’t come home tonight. It’s already really late. I bet if you go to sleep and think good thoughts, you’re going to have good dreams. Then you’ll get a nice breakfast with Dad and you’ll be home before you know it. I promise. You can call me if you need, but I know you’re okay there. Dad will take care of you. Can you do that for me, Sammy? Just get some sleep?”
“Yes,” he said.
“I love you, Sammy.”
“Love you too. I miss you.”
My heart swelled. There was nothing quite like knowing your child loved you and needed you. Even if I couldn’t be there for him in that moment. Which turned that heart-swelling feeling into terrible guilt.
“Put Dad back on the phone.”
I waited a few seconds, staring across the street at a dark building that was split up as one half being a lawyer’s office and the other half being an accountant’s office.
“Hey,” Keith said.
“Hey,” I said. “Sorry that he-”
“Did you ask him what we did tonight?”
“Yes,” I said. “Why?”
“That’s none of your damn business, Jordyn. What I do with my son is my business.”
“I was asking him to remind him of how much fun you two had,” I said. I stood up, feeling my heart pumping faster. “I wasn’t asking to spy on you, Keith.”
“Bullshit. He doesn’t want to be here with me because of you.”
“Me? What did I do?”
“Whatever you tell him about me. You have two weeks to mush his mind and then he comes here and acts like he’s never been here before.”
“Are you serious?” I asked. “You can see him anytime you want. Come visit. Make plans. Call me.”
“Don’t play that card. You got what you wanted from me.”
“What I wanted?” I asked. I laughed out of disgust. “You think this is what I wanted from you? This fucking mess, Keith?”
“You created this mess,” he said. “Remember that.”
“He’s nervous around you because he doesn’t know you. You pick him up and spend two days with him and then hurry to drop him off. I’m sorry he’s having a rough night tonight. This happens sometimes…”
“Did you take him to a doctor about it?”
“A doctor…”
“Maybe there’s something wrong with his head.”
I wanted to scream. “There’s nothing wrong with his head, Keith. He’s a kid. He gets nervous sometimes. It happens here too.”
“And I bet you let him sleep in your bed, right? That’s what does this, Jordyn. Turning him into a wimp.”
“Can he hear you right now?” I growled into the phone.
“Why? Afraid his feelings will get hurt?”
“You’re an asshole, Keith. A fucking asshole. How’s that sound?”
“Good for you, Jordyn. You found a piece of your spine. If he keeps this up for another hour, I’m driving him home.”
The call went dead before I could reply.
I squeezed the phone, wishing I could make it explode on Keith’s end.
I hated when things went like this. I did nothing wrong to him. I was trying to calm Sam down. I wasn’t trying to pry into what they did or what they were planning on doing.
Maybe there’s something wrong with his head…
That hurt.
I sucked in a broken breath of cold air.
A hand touched my shoulder and I screamed.
“Jordyn…”
I turned and looked up at Ramsey standing there.
“Rams…”
“You okay?”
I shook my head. “Not really.”
Without saying another word, he slipped an arm around me and pulled me close.
I wasn’t sure if this was technically our first date or maybe our third.
But there I was, crying again.
“It’s getting cold out,” I whispered as Ramsey pulled me closer to him.
We sat on the bench outside the closed café.
Just him and I near a mostly quiet street, the only light coming from the streetlights down the main street in the small town.
“We can go back inside if you want,” he said.
I looked up at him. “I fucked up another night of yours.”
“Nah. I wasn’t having much fun anyway.”
“Seriously?”
“Well, if I was going out to pick up a woman, I already did that. So, what’s the point?”
I smiled. “You don’t need to pick me up, Rams. You need to stop thinking about it.”
“My arm’s around you, darling. I’m wasting away another night just to be near you and hear you talk.”
“That’s romantic. But my life is a mess.”
“Everyone’s is.”
“Not like this. You don’t need this. You don’t want this.”
“What happened? Get it off your chest.”
“The usual. Sam wants to come home and Keith takes it personally. I tried to help, and he accused me of making it worse.”
I saw the way Ramsey’s nostrils flared when I mentioned Keith’s name. The way his eyes lit up with anger. Or maybe jealousy. I had never been close enough to someone to have them actually be jealous of me and my life.
“It’s not a big deal,” I said.
“It is. You’re upset.”
“Of cou
rse I’m upset. My son is having a hard time sleeping and I can’t be there for him.”
“It’s more than that.”
“So, you know everything about me now?” I asked. I cringed. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. But it is more than that. You want the perfect family and it didn’t work out. That really sucks, Jordyn. That’s a hard burden to carry around.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Can I give you some advice?”
“Sure.”
He moved closer toward me. His lips ever so close to mine. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” I asked.
I could taste his breath. I wanted to taste his lips.
“Don’t carry that burden anymore. Easier said than done. But it’s what you need to do. You love your son. You take care of him. Maybe it’s not ideal that every second weekend he’s gone. But it’s better than nothing. Maybe the day will come and things will get worked out. Or they won’t. You can’t think about that. You can’t… you just can’t…”
He was going to make me cry again.
We both sat there frozen. He didn’t finish his sentence and I didn’t finish my breath.
“I think I’m done for tonight,” I whispered. “I had fun though. I swear I did. I’m not good with this stuff, Rams. I don’t date. I don’t go out. I…”
“So, this was a date, huh?” Ramsey asked with a smile.
“There you go, labeling things again. And here I thought you were the type to just have fun and not worry about what it meant.”
“I’m full of surprises, darling. Can I at least take you home?”
“You did drive me here, Rams.”
“Let’s get out of here.”
He stood up and offered his hand. I took it and he pulled me to my feet.
We had another moment of pausing. Like the entire world just stopped to let us stare at each other. It made no sense why he had any interest in me. Whether we were having fun, flirting, him hugging me, holding me, tempting my mind and body with kisses (and maybe more), the truth was, after tonight, I wouldn’t see him again for almost two weeks. There was no way any guy would let that happen for very long.
When he stepped back, I touched his shirt.
Hard muscle hid under the shirt. A man who worked hard for that muscle.
It made my toes curl in my socks and shoes.
“Just thanks for being here, Rams. Whatever happens.”
He winked.
And then he took me home.
There was this allure of him. A sense of wild innocence that I kind of liked. It took me back to a different time and place in life, but one I could only escape to for a short period of time.
When we arrived at my house, Ramsey didn’t turn off his truck, but he did get out to walk me to the door.
“I assume you’re going to go crazy in there,” he said.
“What?”
“You know, throwing back shots, pounding beers. Getting crazy on your own. Right?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m a total closet drunk.”
“See, that’s why I don’t like closets. I’m going to take them all out of my house as I finish it up.”
“Finish it up?”
“My house. I bought this really old property to fix up.”
My heart melted a little bit more near him. “Really?”
“Yeah. Why?”
We started walking up the porch steps. “I’ve always wanted to do that. I probably watch too many of those home renovation shows. They make it look so easy.”
“Well, it’s not easy,” he said. “And I haven’t done much. I bought the house on a whim and kind of regret it now.”
“Don’t regret it,” I said. “You have a house to live in. That’s yours. And you can do anything you want to it.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I mean, you have to have the money to do it. And the skill. I don’t have either. But it’s fun to think about.”
“Maybe you can come by and tell me what you think.”
“Tonight?” I asked.
“That’s an option,” he said.
“Rams…”
“I know,” he said. “Next time. Two weekends from now.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” he asked.
“Throw out that crappy romantic stuff at me. Nobody sane is going to keep waiting week after week.”
I reached for the door and Ramsey grabbed my wrist and turned me to face him. His other hand touched my cheek.
“I’m not sane at all, darling,” he whispered. “I’m far from it. You have my attention right now and it’s not going anywhere. Think anything you want. But at least tell me we can talk from now until the next time I see you.”
“Of course we can talk,” I said. “And it’s not… I just don’t want Sam to get confused, you know? I mean, we can try to see each other I guess. I just don’t know…”
“Don’t change your heart, Jordyn. Follow it instead.”
“And what does your heart say right now?” I asked.
“A lot of people say I don’t have a heart.”
“Then what keeps you alive?”
Ramsey moved down fast and with purpose. I was expecting a little more flirty banter, but his lips touching mine was just fine too.
And he didn't just kiss me either, he kissed me. The way his lips knew how to move, gently opening my mouth - not that I was even slightly tempted to resist him - bringing me to my toes, my hands clutching at his shirt, as I wanted more. My body decided that before my mind did.
His hand touching my face, head slightly tilted to one side, the kiss getting hotter by the second. The way he closed his lips and pulled away masterfully to make an echoing kissing sound, only to come right back at me again. Meaning this wasn’t just one kiss goodnight. I counted three before my brain decided to forget all about math.
When he pulled away with what would be our last kiss for the night, his thumb eased across my face and he made a line at my bottom lip. His lip slightly curled, like he wanted more.
“Don’t ever sell yourself short, darling,” he whispered. “Everything you’re doing is pretty fucking amazing to me. And you’re doing it on your own. I respect that. I’ll see you in two Fridays.”
I let him walk away, still standing on my toes, probably looking stupid as I balanced myself, my mind and body still trying to comprehend the kiss.
When I finally managed to exhale the breath I had been holding, Ramsey was already driving away. I reached for a pillar to lean against and stood there in the cold air to cool down.
I should have invited him inside. I should have invited him upstairs. I should have told him to take me upstairs.
This was a whole new kind of regret I felt as I walked into my dark and empty house. The stupid filter from Jack still rested against the wall and I ignored it one more time.
I didn’t want to wait to see Ramsey again, but I had to protect Sam. I promised myself I wouldn’t let men walk in and out of his life the way Keith did with women. And for that matter, I wasn’t even sure if Ramsey and I had yet to have a proper date. Every time we made plans, things got screwed up.
What wasn’t screwed up?
That kiss.
That I was going to taste for a long time.
I hoped it would last until the next time I got to see him… and have it again.
10
Lips Like Coffee
Ramsey
I never cared about the days or nights before. It was always the same thing for me. But as I sat over a giant plate of eggs and a large cup of coffee, I caught myself looking to Aunt Millie’s fridge, wondering how close it was to the next weekend.
“You hear what I’m telling you?” Uncle Tom asked. “I’m trying to give you some advice here.”
I looked at him. “We’re good. Lance and Doc are taking charge of it. I’ll work with the outside hires.”
“Give them hell, Ramsey. I know it’s a tough business for all of us, bu
t time really is money right now.”
“Why don’t you eat your eggs before they get cold?” I asked.
“In other words, shut up,” Aunt Millie said as she walked to the table with a stack of bacon almost two stories high.
“Who the hell is eating all of that?” I asked.
“You are,” she said. “You need to work hard today.”
"I work hard every day, Aunt Millie,” I said. “This guy over here though… he’s not so fast in his old age.”
“That’s it,” Uncle Tom said. He slammed his elbow to the table. “Let’s go.”
“Go where?” I asked.
“Arm wrestle me.”
“Arm wrestle you?” I asked, starting to laugh.
“Easy, my big love,” Aunt Millie said in a soothing voice.
She touched his shoulder and he instantly calmed.
I watched the way they loved each other. How the hell they stuck through the storm called Ramsey I’ll never truly know. Raising me was probably the hardest thing they’d ever done. And even after I was all grown up, I still managed to fuck things up and break their hearts.
That’s why they didn’t talk about my house. They knew it existed. They just didn’t want to talk about it. The house was meant for something else and it didn’t happen. Because of me.
Uncle Tom went back to his breakfast and Aunt Millie gave me a quick smile and a long stare down, looking at all the food she cooked. There was only one choice when it came to Aunt Millie and her cooking. You ate until you were beyond full. If you weren’t at the point of feeling sick, you weren’t eating enough.
And no matter what I did wrong, or how many times I’d leave and say I was never coming back, one thing that always held true was that Aunt Millie had a meal waiting for me. All the time. I loved her for that and would forever keep that in my heart.
When I had my fill of breakfast, I left before Uncle Tom to get a jump on the working day. I had to work with the plumbers and electricians. Sometimes I missed the old grunt type days where it was nothing but physical labor for ten hours a day. Stopping only for a sandwich and some water.
Doc stood in the middle of the gutted living room of the house, surveying the place. Lance was in the kitchen, working. The rest of the guys were a mix of outside and part-time hires for Uncle Tom’s company.
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