by Sam Horn
The next time one of them gives you a conflicting assignment, speak up! Don’t suffer in silence or make best-guess decisions that keep getting you in hot water. Say courteously, “I’m stuck in the middle here. Your son [father] has asked me to work on a different project. Once the two of you can agree which has priority, I’ll be glad to get started on it.”
Hold People Accountable For Being Humane
“I don’t think we have to teach people how to be human. I think we have to teach them how not to be inhumane.” – Eldridge Cleaver
In one of my workshops, a bartender said a tough part of his job is getting hit up for complimentary drinks. He said, “Freeloaders put me in an awkward position. From now on, if someone tries to wheedle a freebie, I’ll just say, ‘You’re not asking me for a free drink, are you?’ Or if minors are pressuring me to serve them, I’ll say, ‘You wouldn’t want me to lose my job by selling drinks to someone under age, would you?’ Now that I know what to say, this will be a non-issue.”
A policeman added, “We use this Name the Game idea a lot. Every once in awhile someone we’ve stopped for a traffic violation will flash some cash when they’re taking their drivers license out of their wallet. ‘You wouldn’t be trying to bribe a police officer, would you?’ is usually all it takes to stop someone from suggesting something illegal.”
Have you ever been the bearer of bad news? Did the recipient of the bad news dump his displeasure on you for reporting it, even if you had nothing to do with causing it? Would you like to know how to prevent this?
Adopt the “Why are you taking it out on me?” posture. Shrug your shoulders, put both palms up and out in a “Why me?” gesture, and say, “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.”
Anger is momentary madness,” observed the great poet Horace. Most people will stop making you the object of their anger if they’re made aware of their madness. They’ll say something like “I know. It’s not fair to blame you. It’s just this is the last thing I needed to hear today.” Or they’ll apologize and say, “I’m sorry for taking this out on you. This news just comes at the worst possible time.”
Bypass Bickering
“Don’t fight forces. Use them."—R. Buckminster Fuller
To paraphrase Bucky Fuller, don’t fight forces, name them. Have you ever taken a long drive in the car with your family? Do you start out like the Waltons and end up like the Simpsons? If everyone starts bickering, remember to articulate rather than get angry about what’s happening. “We’re all hot and tired because we’ve been crammed in this car for four hours. We’ll be at the hotel in a few minutes. Let’s be civil to each other until then.”
A woman offered, “My fiancé and I use a variation of the Name the Game idea. When we first met, he would ask me about the guys I used to go out with. He would become jealous. Then I’d get upset with him for bringing up something I didn’t want to talk about in the first place. It was breaking us apart.
“Last month we agreed not to discuss the people we previously dated. We’re getting along great now because we don’t bring up former girlfriends or boyfriends. If we run into someone we used to see socially, we just look at each other and say, ‘History.’ That one word keeps us from falling back into our old habits.”
You’ve probably heard the popular saying, “Unless we learn from our history, we’re doomed to repeat it.” This couple has not only learned from their history, they’ve learned that naming their history prevents them from repeating it.
Voice The Visceral
“Wit is the only wall between us and the dark.” - Mark Van Doren
Perhaps the best demonstration of Name the Game I’ve ever witnessed was given by popular radio announcer Karl Haas. Haas used to host a program called Adventures in Good Music, which was broadcast on NPR. Haas’s deep bass voice was a beautiful instrument, rich and resonant in tone, an immediately recognizable vocal signature.
Haas came to Hawaii to present a concert for his many fans. The auditorium was filled with loyal listeners, all eager to see their radio hero in person. The theater darkened, the stage lit up, everyone applauded enthusiastically, and out walked—to the crowd’s astonishment—a very short Karl Haas.
Everyone gasped. The radio personality had obviously received this startled reaction before and was ready with a witty response. A twinkle in his eye, he leaned toward the audience and confided, “I didn’t know what you looked like, either!”
The audience roared. His clever handling of this potentially uncomfortable situation won over everyone in the room. The beauty of his remark was that he named the game by expressing what everyone was thinking.
This technique of voicing what someone is thinking works particularly well with children. I’ll always remember our boys’ first, very reluctant visit to the dentist. The friendly doctor came out to greet them, hunkered down to their level, and said, “I bet you don’t want to be here, do you?”
Their eyes widened as he expressed exactly how they were feeling. “In fact, I bet you want to turn around and head right back out that door, don’t you?” They nodded in unison as he continued to voice their every fear. A minute later, they each took one of his hands and headed into the examination room with this kind doctor who so obviously understood how they felt. By articulating their apprehensions, he had neutralized them.
Action Plan To Name the Game
You are the first female to work with a formerly all-male team, and they are testing you. Some of them are telling jokes that are in questionable taste; others are giving you technically demanding jobs to see if you’re up to the task. What do you do?
Words to Lose
You let their tactics get to you and become irritated.
“This is infantile behavior. Why don't you grow up?”
You allow them to intimidate you.
“I don’t know how much longer I can stand this. I dread coming to work.”
You let your voice become emotional, which tells them they’ve won.
“I can do the work just as well as you can. Why do you have to make things so rough?”
You weakly defend yourself, which only rewards their bullying.
“Come on, guys. Give me a break. Why don’t you just leave me alone and let me do my work?’’
Words to Use
You recognize what they’re doing and choose to stay calm.
“This just comes with the territory. I can handle it.”
You resolve that they are not going to make you a victim.
“I have a lot to offer, and I spent a lot of time and money training for this job. I'm not going to let them scare me off.”
You can speak in a calm, confident voice, with a trace of knowing humor.
“You wouldn’t be testing me now, would you?”
You name the game, letting them know that you are aware of what they’re trying to do. "Checking me out, are you? I figured you’d want to see if the 'little lady’ was up to the job.”
CHAPTER 7: KEEP FROM SAYING SOMETHING YOU REGRET WITH TONGUE GLUE!
“Speak when you’re angry—and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” – Henry Ward Beecher
People often ask me what they can do if people around them are gossiping and bad-mouthing. They also want to know how to keep from saying something they regret.
Well, as a popular T-shirt says: Don’t talk unless you can improve the SILENCE. Wise advice, isn’t it?
It can be hard to keep quiet if you feel you’ve been wronged. You may feel like telling off the person responsible. This chapter teaches you how to hold your tongue (Tongue Glue) so it doesn’t get you into trouble.
Tact Equals Tongue In Check
“It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.” Franklin D. Roosevelt
A seminar participant burst out laughing when I shared the Roosevelt quote. He had learned this the hard way on a blind date. “In the first few awkward moments of exchanging life histories, I discovered my date used to live in my hometown
. She asked if I had known Mrs. Walford, and without thinking I said, ‘That witch? She was my high school English teacher.’
“I explained that I had hated her class and that she had flunked me. I noticed too late that my date had a funny expression on her face. When I finally wound down, she said, ‘Mrs. Walford is my stepmother.’ Argghh! The evening went downhill from there and couldn’t have been over soon enough for either of us.”
If only that young man was familiar with this Oscar Wilde quote before he went on that blind date. Wilde gives this description of one of his characters: “He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.”
From now on, before you mouth off, ask yourself if what you’re about to say could come back to haunt you. If there’s a possibility it could backfire, keep it to yourself.
Silence Can Be A Diplomatic Tool
“To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.” – Will Durant
Let’s use the example of a job interview to illustrate when and why it’s wise to keep your own counsel. Imagine the interviewer asks if you liked your former supervisor. Pretend the friction between you and your previous manager was the reason you resigned from the company.
Bad-mouthing your former boss, no matter how much she deserves it, would only reflect poorly on you. Even if the interviewer agrees with your observations, he will think less of you for being indiscreet. He may worry that someday you will make the same kind of disparaging remarks about him.
In this case, silence is indeed the better part of valor. Valor is defined as “strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness.”
Resolve to act with integrity. Have the strength of mind and spirit to not give in to the urge to (as they say in Hawaii) “talk stink.” No one will respect you for trashing a former employer. If you must say something, make it constructive. Sum up the relationship by saying, “I learned a lot from him/her.” This statement is undoubtedly true and is a more gracious way to express your feelings. Your employer will appreciate your diplomacy and is more likely to believe you are someone who can be trusted.
Take Yourself Out Of The Gossip Game
“Anyone who gossips to you will gossip about you.” – Tongue Fu’ism
Would you like to know another use for silence?
We’ve probably all been in the situation where someone has shared a juicy piece of gossip about someone we know. At that point, we either fuel it by saying, “Tell me more” or we snuff it out by choosing not to pursue it.
Gossip appeals to the base instincts in us. It’s the verbal version of voyeurism, of driving by a car accident and looking to see what happened. Talking stink about others is not something to be proud of. It serves no good purpose. There are so many better uses of our time and mind.
Tongue Fu! is about taking the high road. It is about being mindful and acting in ways we can be proud of. Instead of following other people’s destructive lead; why not take the lead and set a constructive example of refusing to belittle others? Why not hold our tongue instead of mindlessly saying what’s on the tip of our tongue?
Ask yourself, “Would I say this if the person I’m talking about was here? How would they feel if they knew I was saying this about them?” If the thought of how this might hurt them makes you wince or makes you wish you could “take it back,” then don’t say anything at all.
If someone persists in gossiping, then staying silent may not be the best option. You may want to speak up and defend that person, “Hey, let’s give her a break. She’s going through a hard time” or “You know what? That’s not our business. Let’s talk about something else.”
I remember a workshop participant saying, “But isn’t that ‘preachy? Won’t people resent it for making them look bad?’
I said, “I think there are times it’s important to intervene and set a new standard instead of seeming to support what we perceive to be petty jealousy or back-stabbing. Years ago I worked in an organization where it was discovered one of our married executives was having an affair. I was shocked at how quickly several of my colleagues turned on this previously respected leader. They seemed to delight in dishing the dirt. It’s not that I condone adultery; it’s just that I thought it was disingenuous for us to ‘pile on.’
“When the conversation at lunch once again turned to the affair, I said, ’Hey; we don’t know what happened. We’ve got to work with him every day. This isn’t helping him and it isn’t helping us. Let’s move on…’ and then we did.
“Over the next few days, several of my colleagues came up and thanked me for speaking up. One said, ’Sam, I was increasingly uncomfortable with how much time we were spending talking about that and how ugly it was getting; but didn’t have the courage to speak up. Thanks for calling us on it.’”
Next time someone starts bad-mouthing or backstabbing, ask yourself, “Shall I shut up or speak up? Shall I say nothing or say something?” Whatever you do, resist the urge to “pile on.”
Silence Can Be The Best Persuader
“Silence is a true friend who never betrays.” - Confucius
Silence can be your best friend if someone is being stubborn and not seeing your point of view. If you have reached an impasse and the other person is not interested in cooperating, a long pause coupled with the question “So what do you suggest?” is an excellent way to motivate them to see things your way.
Years ago, I was asked by the University of California at Los Angeles to present a workshop. I arrived at my hotel the evening before the program and asked for the box of handouts I expected to be waiting for me. The staff, after much searching, reported they couldn’t find it. My only option was to produce the handouts by copying the original I’d brought with me.
This was before 24 hour copy stores and hotel business centers. I know, I’m dating myself. Full disclosure. This was (gasp), in the 1980’s!
I was stymied until I spied a copier in the hotel office. I explained my situation and asked the front desk staff if I could please use their equipment. I promised to take good care of their machine and offered to pay for the copies.
The front-desk manager turned me down flat. In fact, you can guess his rationale for rejecting my request: “If we let you use our copier, we’d have to let everybody use our copier.”
I understood his reluctance. He didn’t want to set a dangerous precedent and it was easier to say no than yes. I also knew if I gently persisted, I would take responsibility for making this a win-win situation for them.
So, I used the technique that has the power to move people out of a fixed position. I explained that unless we could resolve this, dozens of high-profile executives would show up tomorrow morning for a workshop that had no handouts and asked, “So what do you suggest?” and stopped talking.
The manager hemmed and hawed while I bit my tongue to keep from rescuing him. My silence compelled him to look at the situation from my point of view. It helped him own the problem so he felt some obligation to resolve it rather than brushing me off with a perfunctory refusal.
Finally he relented. “All right, you can use our copier. Just be careful!” I did, and I was.
I also took the time to write a letter to the general manager singling out the employee’s above-and-beyond service and expressing my appreciation for his assistance in my time of need. That follow-up letter was an important part of the process. I am not suggesting you use silence to unfairly get what you want.
Questions such as “What do you suggest?” “What would you do if you were in my place?” and “How would you feel?” followed by silence are fair tools if you return the favor and keep your side of the bargain. They’re reverse Empathy Phrases in that they cause the other person to see your perspective.
It is ethical to use a reverse Empathy Phrase to get what you want as long as you’re respectful of the other person’s contributions, honor their cooperation and give them something they want – whether that’s recognition or heartfelt ap
preciation.
Silence can be more persuasive than the most eloquent speech. If I had pressured the hotel manager with all the reasons he “should” let me use his copier, I would have cemented his resistance. The longer I verbally strong-armed him, the more stubborn he would have become. Persistence can indeed pay off as long as it’s mutually productive. The squeaky wheel is more likely to get the grease if it comes full circle.
Ask “How Would You Feel …?” And Then Put A Sock In It
“There is much to be said for not saying much.”— Frank Tyger, Editorial Cartoonist
A portrait photographer who had recently moved her headquarters into a new office building called to report her success with this technique. Twice, Sue had made an appointment to get new carpet installed, and both times the contractor had called at the last minute to reschedule. They finally agreed to do the work three days before her grand opening. The big day arrived and she waited patiently for the workers. The agreed-upon hour came and went. Another two hours passed before the crew chief called to explain they were running behind (again!) and wouldn’t be able to do the job until Monday.
Sue said she was about to let him have it when she remembered a better course of action was to hold him responsible with a “Reverse Empathy Question” followed by silence. She said calmly and firmly, “How would you feel if I had canceled on you three times?” and then put a sock in it.
The contractor tried once more to repeat his excuses. She refused to rescue him and asked, “I’ve got seven sittings scheduled for Monday. What do you suggest I do with these clients who will be showing up for their appointments?” Sue kept putting the conversational ball back in his court. He finally admitted she was justified in holding him accountable and agreed to install the carpeting later that evening.