by Sam Horn
Other days your partner may seem particularly down and you might choose to give him or her a sympathetic ear. If you decide to extend yourself and be a sounding board, you can supply some incentive to listen one more time by asking “How would I feel?” to summon up some empathy.
Lose The Labels
“They stick you with those names, those labels, ‘rebel’ or whatever they like to use. Because they need a label; a name, something to put the price tag on the back of. ” - Johnny Depp, American Actor
A teacher once told me, “I’ve got twenty-five kids in my class this year and I really did a disservice to one of my students. Brandon frequently interrupts, teases the other children, hardly ever finishes his projects, and rarely listens. I used to resent him for taking up so much of my time.
“Then, at one of our Wednesday afternoon teacher meetings, our school nurse showed a movie explaining what it’s like to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The documentary, called Fat City (interesting title?!) was made by PBS, from the perspective of someone who is hyperactive.
For the first time I understood Brandon’s world. I finally realized what it must be like to be in his skin—to have so much energy you literally can’t sit still. I finally understood what it’s like to be hypersensitive to your environment. It’s like being bombarded by a perpetual onslaught of sights and sounds. When I experienced school through his eyes . . . well, suffice it to say, I saw him in a different light. It’s helped me be a lot more accepting of him.”
Keep An Open Mind And An Open Heart
“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out of us.” - Karl Menninger
Ethnic stereotypes are particularly toxic because they perpetuate fear. People operating from fear and prejudice distort everything they hear to support for their biases.
The good news is, prejudices were educated into you, and you can educate them out of you.
A young woman once told this poignant story. “I moved from a farm community to a big college town to attend our state university. When my dorm roommate discovered I was from ‘the boondocks’—her words—she decided to take me under her wing. She warned me about certain “undesirable” groups on campus and told me to avoid them. I had played clarinet in high school and was looking forward to trying out for the marching band, but she pigeonholed them as a bunch of losers so I didn’t even apply.
“I was naive and didn’t know any better, so I took her at her word. I figured she was a junior and knew a lot more than I did. I hung out with her crowd that first semester and was miserable. They were always putting people down, and it took me several months to realize their opinions said a lot more about them than they did about the people they were accusing of being un-cool.
“I finally got fed up with their narrow-minded attitudes and went my own way. I joined the band after semester break, and ended up traveling all over the country to compete in parades and do halftime shows at football games. The first-chair clarinetist, who was of an ethnic group my roommate had warned me against, became my best friend. We still keep in touch.
I can’t imagine what those four years would have been like if I had continued to buy into her bigoted beliefs. I learned a very important lesson. I make up my own mind about people, instead of letting other people make it up for me.”
“The worst prison would be a closed heart,” observes Pope John Paul II.
Are there people in your life you’ve written off because others have told you they’re no good? Is that fair? How can you conclude someone has no value when you do not know him or her? Don’t close your mind and heart to people by buying into stereotypes and prejudices. If your goal is to love rather than label people, give them a chance.
Action Plan – Are You Jumping To Conclusions?
Your sixty-year-old widowed father has remarried and you’re about to meet your new stepmother. Your sister has already met your dad’s new bride and doesn’t like her. She says the woman is very possessive and clingy. How do you approach this first meeting?
Words To Lose
With no direct experience of the woman, you adopt your sister’s opinion.
“Why did Dad have to marry someone like her anyway?”
The first thing you notice is that she’s holding on to your father’s arm like she’s never going to let go.
“Looks like Sis was right. Look at that death grip she's got on Dad.”
You continue to fit everything she says and does into your preconceptions.
“Why did Dad choose this woman? She’s going to keep him under lock and key ’’
Words To Use
You decide it’s not fair to write your stepmother off when you haven’t even met.
“I’ll hold off making any judgments until we’ve spent some time together.”
You approach them and greet warmly the woman your father has chosen to wed.
“I’m going to give her a chance. I won't know what she's like until after I get to know her.”
You keep an open mind so you can draw conclusions based on merit.
“They look very happy together. I’m glad Dad found someone who so obviously loves him.”
PART II
Use Words That Help Instead Of Hurt
“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can break my heart.” - Robert Fulghum, American Author
In this section, you’ll learn about friendly phrases and fighting phrases. By choosing to use cooperative words that help instead of combative words that hurt, you can often prevent people from becoming difficult in the first place. These Words to Use – Words to Lose also set a precedent of collaboration that motivates people to respond in kind.
CHAPTER 11: REPLACE THE WORD “BUT” WITH “AND”
“I don’t mind arguing with myself. It’s when I lose that it bothers me.” - Richard Powers, American Novelist
As Robert Fulghum noted, the children’s chant “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is far from correct. Words can wound. In fact, certain words cause people to feel shamed, judged, or rejected—and they’ll respond accordingly. Vicious words are stored in memory far longer than a vicious punch is recorded on the body. They linger like no bruise or cut ever could.
The chapters in this part of the book identify words that act as weapons. Weapon is defined as “an instrument of offensive or defensive combat: something to fight with.” You want to avoid combative words, for they trigger hostile reactions and lead to verbal warfare.
In my workshops, we call this section “Words to Lose and Words to Use.” Thousands of people have reported that replacing fighting phrases with friendly phrases has made a dramatic difference in their daily communication—at work, at home, and in the community.
Use Words That Help vs. Words That Hurt
“Words hang like wash on the line, blowing in the winds of the mind.” - Rameshwar Das, Indian Entrepreneur and Philanthropist
While renting a car recently, I watched a situation unfold that dramatically illustrates the damage that can be caused by the first Word to Lose.
A woman approached the rental agent and said, “I’m Evelyn Jones and I’ve reserved a Ford Mustang.” The employee checked his records and said, “Oh yes, Mrs. Jones, we have your reservation right here.” Then, his voice faltering, he added, “But we don’t have any Ford Mustangs left.”
The woman frowned. “How can this be? I phoned several weeks ago to reserve a Mustang.” The agent replied, “I see that you did, but we rented them all out this morning.”
His customer was not happy. “I don’t understand. I took the time to call. You said you’d save one for me.”
“I know, but we had a new employee on the desk this morning, and she forgot to read the save list.”
When I left, they were still arguing. Why? The car-rental agent kept using the word but.
This word causes so much unintended damage. It negates what’s just been said and sets up an adversarial relati
onship. But acts as a verbal hammer and turns discussions into debates.
But Cancels Statements, And Connects Statements
“Don’t be yourself. Be someone a little nicer.” - Mignon McLlaughlin
Would you like to know how to construct a kinder conversation peace?
From this day forth, use the constructive word and instead of the destructive word but.
The beauty of this little three-letter word is that it builds on, rather than blocks out, what has just been said. It advances discussions rather than anchoring them in arguments.
The agent could have graciously expedited the transaction if he had said, “You’re right, Mrs. Jones, you did reserve a Ford Mustang, and I’m sorry we don’t have one available, and I’d like to upgrade you to a higher model...”
Think about it. Doesn’t the word but often precede bad news? “You did a nice job on this, but...” “I know we said it would take only fifteen minutes, but…”
The word but evokes an uh-oh response because listeners know they’re about to hear something they’d rather not. “I realize how much you need this loan, but...” means “You’re not getting the loan.” People disregard whatever goes before a but because they know that what follows it is what’s going to have more of an impact on them.
The word and lets both statements stand so they both count. “You did a nice job on this, and could you please add a sentence asking them if they could ...” “I know I said it would take only fifteen minutes, and I’m sorry it’s taking longer. Our computers will be back on line shortly, and then we can . . .” “I would like to grant your loan request, and if you could provide tax records of. . .”
But Erases, And Acknowledges
“Of course I’m yelling. That's because I’m wrong! ” - Leslie Charles, Author
This quote could be modified to read, “Of course I’m yelling. That’s because you’re making me wrong!” The word but minimizes the importance of what someone has just said. “That’s a good point, but. . .” is essentially saying “You’re in error” or “What I’m going to say is more important.” The person who has just had his statement discounted is likely to protest.
An English teacher wrote to say what a startling discovery this was for her.
“I’ve been an educator for twenty years. I’ve always thought and taught that the word but is a conjunction that joins sentences or phrases. You showed me it doesn’t join sentences, it jars sentences. I looked up the word ‘jar’ and it means a ‘state of discord or conflict.’ But creates a conflict because it gives more value to what’s said after it than before it. It creates a right-wrong, either-or interaction.
"My classes studied how this word is used and they all came to the same conclusion: but means bad news. 'I know you want to use the car, but . . .' 'I’d like to add you to the team, but . . . ,' 'You almost passed the test, but. . .' 'I want to go to the prom with you, but. . .''
"My students and I have resolved to get rid of the 'Bad News But.' I brought this up to my fellow teachers at our weekly meeting and they’ve all agreed to change their curriculum to reflect this 'revolutionary' insight. Do you know what we’ve realized? Our mandate to teach language goes beyond sentence structure, spelling, pronunciation, and grammar. It also includes choosing to use words that support rather than sabotage our efforts to communicate constructively.”
You Can Have A Difference Of Opinion Without Arguing
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald, American Novelist
A variation on Fitzgerald’s observation is that the test of a first-rate relationship is the ability of the people involved to hold opposing ideas at the same time without becoming opponents. It can be done as long as the couple uses the word and. As soon as one person uses the word but, the implication is “my way is better than your way, and your way is wrong.”
I sometimes ask participants in my workshops to pair off, with one partner taking the position that being single is best and the other maintaining that marriage is the only way to go. I ask them to discuss the ideal status with each trying to convince the other to change his mind. A typical conversation runs like this:
“How can you even think of living with the same person all the time? That’s so boring. When you’re single you have the freedom to go where you want when you want with whoever you want.” “Yeah, but that gets old after a while. What’s really great is to know you’ve got someone who cares about you through your ups and downs.”
“But marriage means you’re trapped. If you want to get out, you’re locked into mortgages, bills, and alimony.”
“Maybe, but your solo lifestyle is so frivolous. There’s more to life than partying every weekend.”
After five minutes, I stop the exercise and ask participants for feedback. They usually observe that even though they were playing a role, they found themselves getting increasingly exasperated with their partner. I ask how often the word but came up. Many of them realize they used it almost every time they spoke. Without being aware of it, they discounted what the other person said before offering their point. They realized that the word but sets up a Ping-Pong style of conversation in which neither person really listens.
I ask them to continue the discussion, substituting and for but. That one change transforms their interaction, making it less contentious and more courteous.
“You’re right, it is fun to be spontaneous and to do things on the spur of the moment, and it’s also nice to have children who think you are the greatest thing in the world.”
“I can understand the need to settle down and have more permanence in your life, and wouldn’t you prefer to be footloose and fancy-free?”
Participants are amazed at the difference. Instead of trying to make the other person “see the error of his ways,” they start acknowledging and treating each other’s beliefs with respect.
If you’re having a disagreement with someone, you’re probably both using the word but. But perpetuates conflicts, and prevents them; but causes resentment, and creates rapport. From now on, use and to connect what’s being said and you’ll be able to discuss controversial ideas without having your conversation turn into a contest.
Action Plan To Use Words That Help Instead Of Hurt
You want a dog, your partner doesn't. This has become a heated issue for you, and you’ve decided to make an all-out effort to prove that having a pet would be a good idea. How do you handle the conversation?
Words To Lose
You use a weapon word that triggers a negative reaction.
“I know you don’t like pets, but I do.”
You use the word but, which sets up an adversarial relationship.
“You say you don’t want the hassle, but I’m the one who’s going to be responsible for him.”
You continue to use the word but, which bogs the discussion down because it cancels what your partner is saying.
“I hear what you 're saying, but I don’t see why you're being so stubborn about this.”
You continue to use the word but, which erases your partner’s point.
“You say vet bills are expensive, but he’s not going to get sick, so stop worrying.”
Words To Use
You use positive phrasing to keep the conversation constructive.
“I realize you don’t want a dog, and it’s important to me.”
You use the word and, which acknowledges your partner’s point of view.
“I realize you don't have the time to walk him, and I’ll take care of that.”
You continue to use the word and, which moves the discussion along and connects what’s being said.
“I understand how you feel, and I think we can work it so your concerns don’t materialize.”
You use the word and, which acknowledges your partner’s point.
“I hear what you're saying, and we’ll make sure he gets his shots so he stays healthy.”
CHAPTER 12: STOP “SHOULDING” ON PEOPLE
“If you see players who hate practice, their coach isn’t doing a very good job.” - Bill Walsh, Football Coach
What do you do when someone makes a mistake? Do you correct the person by telling her what she should have done? Does that person cringe even though you’re “only trying to help?”
Here’s a story illustrating the damaging impact of the word should, and the dramatic difference using an alternative can make.
My friend Charlie was the football coach at a high school. Several years ago, his team was tied with another for the league championship. Their final game of the season was a cliffhanger against the very team they were tied with. The score was 14-14 in the fourth quarter; Charlie’s team had the ball. Their quarterback threw a long pass, and their best receiver (Charlie’s son, Johnny) was racing down the sidelines in perfect position to catch the throw.
Just before catching the ball, Johnny did something he’d been told a hundred times never to do: he took his eyes off the ball and glanced back over his shoulder to see how close the defender was. You know what happened. The football missed his outstretched fingers by inches and fell to the ground. The dismayed teenager trudged back to the bench, his head down and shoulders slumped.
Charlie was so caught up in the emotion of the game, he stood over his son and shouted, “You idiot! You should have kept your eyes on the ball. What were you thinking? That was a touchdown pass. You had the game in your hands, and you blew it.”