Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  Words To Lose

  You assume being in charge means giving orders and dictating what’s to be done.

  “Listen up. Here’s a list of what you need to accomplish in the next two hours. You’re going to have to hustle to finish on time.”

  You start telling people what they are supposed to do, and they start to feel resistant.

  “Kathy, you peel the carrots. George, you start the soup, and Alejandra, set out the dishes.”

  You couch your commands as have-to's, and people feel bossed around.

  “Anthony, you have to have the ovens ready at five-thirty to warm up the main dishes, so make the rolls now."

  Words To Use

  You understand that leading means courteously motivating people so they choose to comply.

  “Thank you for coming today. Let’s outline what needs to be done so we ’re ready by 6 pm.”

  You rephrase orders as requests so people feel respected.

  “Kathy, could you start peeling carrots? George, if you could get the soup going, and...”

  You recommend actions, so people feel autonomous and cooperate because they want to.

  “Anthony, can you get the rolls finished first so the ovens will be ready for the casseroles?”

  CHAPTER 14: REPLACE "NO, YOU CAN’T BECAUSE" WITH “YES YOU CAN, AS SOON AS …”

  “Rejection though, it could make the loss of someone you weren’t even that crazy about feel gut wrenching and world ending.” - Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

  Fear of rejection ranks high on the list of human fears along with death…and public speaking. It doesn’t even matter what form the rejection comes in. We have intense, gut wrenching reactions to being told we can’t have something we want or need.

  How do you feel if someone rejects you or your request? Imagine asking, “Can I talk to you?” and being told, “No, you can’t right now because I’m busy.”

  Do you see how the words no and can't because are like verbal doors slamming in your face? Those words create an adversarial relationship between you and the other person because he is not giving you what you want.

  How much better you’d feel if instead of cutting you off with what they couldn’t do, they focused on what they could do with, “Yes I can talk with you, right after I finish this email. Our West Coast office is waiting for it and I promised I’d get it to them before noon.”

  Better, eh?

  Imagine asking, “Can I pick up my paycheck early? I’m going on vacation tomorrow” and having your supervisor brusquely reply, “No, you can’t, because it hasn’t been approved by Payroll yet.” Do you feel shut down? Now imagine your supervisor makes the extra effort to say, “Yes, you can have your paycheck, as soon as it’s approved by Payroll. Why don’t we give them a call and see if there’s any way they can speed it up.” The words yes and as soon as focus on what can be done instead of what can’t.

  From now on, if someone asks you for something, remember that you can often grant their wish contingent on some small condition. Instead of concentrating on what can’t be done and why, figure out how it can be done and when.

  Instead of saying, “No, we can’t start the game because we’re still waiting for the umpire to show up,” say, “We can begin the game as soon as the umpire arrives. And if he’s not here in five minutes, we’ll play ball anyway.” Rather than telling someone, “I can’t find out if that item is in inventory because our computer is down,” tell them, “I can check to see if we have that item in stock as soon as our computer is repaired. They’re working on it right now, and with any luck it’ll be back on line in a few minutes.”

  Don’t Deprive; Devise

  "Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.” - Colin Powell, Politician

  Deprive means “to take something away from ... to withhold.” If you tell someone she can’t do something, you are withholding what she wants and she’ll resent you for it.

  Devise is defined as “to plan to obtain or bring about.” Instead of alienating people by depriving them of what they need, assist them by devising how they can get what they need. Your sincere efforts to help will benefit you as well.

  A single father with three children reported what a difference this had made in his family. He said, “I used to constantly be at odds with my kids. They’d come to me for permission, and I’d say no. I felt like a bad guy turning down every request. ‘No, you can’t take the car, because I need it.’ ‘No, you can’t play with your friends because you haven’t finished your chores.’ ‘No, you can’t play video games because you haven’t done your homework. ‘No, you can’t have ice cream, you haven’t had dinner yet.’

  “Your seminar showed me a better way to handle these situations. Instead of delivering an across-the-board no, these phrases as soon as or right after let them know they can get what they want, after certain conditions are met. ‘Sure, you can take the car as soon as I get back from shopping.’ ‘Yes, you can play with your friends as soon as you finish your chores. Feed the animals and pick up the family room and then you can go out and play hoops.’ ‘You’re welcome to play video games as soon as you get your homework finished. Do your math and let me take a look at it and then you can play Halo.’ ‘Sure, you can have some ice cream right after we have a healthy dinner. Help me set the table and we’ll be able to sit down sooner.’

  "You know what’s wonderful about this? This transcends semantics. When I tell my kids no, they see me as the big meanie blocking them from what they want. When I say, “Yes you can, as soon as…” guess who’s in charge of getting what they want? They are. It’s changed the whole dynamic of our relationship.”

  Turn Apathy To Empathy With “I Wish”

  "Anyone who has experienced a certain amount of loss in their life has empathy for those who have experienced loss.” - Anderson Cooper, American Journalist

  What if there is no “Sure, as soon as… or “Yes, right after…”? What if there’s no way you can grant someone’s wish? What if there really is nothing you can do to help them?

  Understand that if you persist in using the phrases “there’s no way” or “there’s nothing,” you’ll both end up frustrated. They’ll feel you don’t care, and they’ll often get louder and angrier in an effort to make you care.

  From now on, you can soften the blow of bad news with the phrases “I wish” or “I hope.” The phrases “there’s nothing” or “there’s no way” are apathetic. The phrases “I wish” or “I hope” are empathetic. You can’t always give people what they want. You can give them your concern so they know you’re not coldly cutting them off.

  Instead of “There’s no way I can get your copy in this month’s newsletter. You should have gotten it in sooner. Our deadline was last week,” say, “I wish I could get your copy in the newsletter and it’s already at the printers. If you’d like, I can keep it on file and make sure it gets prominent placement next month.” That more helpful response will mean they’re less likely to kill the messenger, you!

  Instead of “We can’t deliver your supplies today. There’s nothing we can do about it. There’s a strike at the dock and the shipment has been held up,” say, “I wish we could deliver your supplies. I know you’re counting on them. I’ll call you the minute the strike is settled and we get good news about your delivery.”

  Imagine you’re trying to get home for the Christmas holidays and the airport is closed due to a blizzard. Suppose the airline employee says, “All flights for the rest of the day are canceled. There’s nothing I can do about it. You won’t be able to get out until tomorrow,” or “There’s no way a plane can take off in this weather. You’ll just have to wait until it clears up.” These words would make you feel more, not less, exasperated. The employee appears nonchalant and unconcerned about your predicamen
t.

  Now suppose that employee says, “I wish we could get you out on a flight. I know you want to get home for the holidays. Please know we will make an announcement as soon as they reopen the airport. Thank you for your patience.” or “I’m sorry the snow has forced us to cancel operations. There’s something we can do: here’s a meal coupon so you can buy dinner on us while you’re waiting.” The phrases “I wish” and “There’s something” are doorways. The phrases “I won’t be able to” and “There’s nothing” are dead ends.

  Turn “There’s Nothing” Into “There’s Something”

  "It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness.” - Motto of the Christopher Society

  One mother said she couldn’t wait to get home to use this “I wish” idea. “I was in the kitchen last night making dinner, when my daughter came running in from high school, twirled me around, and announced, “I won the lead in our school play.” She told me, ‘Mom, get out your calendar. I want you there on Opening Night.’

  "With a feeling of dread, I checked my calendar only to find it verified what I had feared. I told my daughter, 'Hon, I’m going to be out of town at a conference that Friday. I’m leaving on Thursday and I won’t be back until Sunday night.'

  "My daughter begged me to change my business plans, ‘Mom, you travel all the time. Can’t you rearrange your schedule so you can make this? It’s really important to me.’

  "I regretfully explained there was no way I could cancel my trip. ‘Honey, there’s no way I can back out now. There’s no one to take my place.’

  "This was the final straw for her. She accused me of caring more about my work than I did about her. I tried to reassure her that wasn’t true, but she ran out of the kitchen, crying, and wouldn’t listen to me.

  "I see now that telling her there was ‘nothing’ I could do made her feel this wasn’t important to me. If I had said, ‘I wish I could be sitting front row center to see you in your shining moment. I am so proud of you and would love to share this with you,’ she would at least have understood I wasn’t casually bowing out.

  "I’ve realized there’s something I can do. When I get home tonight, I’m going to ask if one of her friends can Skype video the play so I can watch it on my laptop at my hotel. I can have it in front of me and we can debrief her performance when she gets home. That way she’ll know I really do want to share in this special occasion with her.”

  Why It’s Smart To Be Sensitive, Not Sarcastic

  “When you start to develop your powers of empathy and imagination, the whole world opens up to you.” - Susan Sarandon, American Actress

  A park ranger said, “This idea is really going to come in handy for my staff. We’re the only point of contact for visitors, so we field all the complaints. We hear about crowded campgrounds, dirty rest rooms, vandalized trail signs. We even get complaints about the mosquitoes!

  “I don’t know why people take their frustration out on us. We didn’t invent mosquitoes; we can’t stop crime. What do they expect us to do?

  “I can see that instead of shrugging our shoulders and saying, ‘There’s nothing we can do about the mosquitoes. It’s summertime, you’ve got to expect them,’ it would be more sensitive to say, ‘You might want to pick up some bug repellent at the park lodge; it helps to keep them away.’ Instead of a sarcastic ‘There’s nothing we can do if headquarters tries to cram three hundred people in on a holiday weekend,’ it’s more supportive to say, ‘I wish there were fewer people, too. If there’s any way you can come back in the offseason, it’s not so busy then and you can have the trails to yourself.’ Instead of cutting them off with a curt ‘We can’t monitor the bathrooms every minute of the day,’ we could commiserate with, ‘I’m sorry the rest room was in such deplorable condition. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.’ ”

  One of our certified Tongue Fu! trainers shared a poignant example of the power of the words “I wish.” Her brother had been having serious health problems, and she accompanied him to the hospital to take a variety of tests to figure out what was going on. At the end of a very long day of MRI’s, blood tests and exams, the doctor came into her brother’s room, stood by his bed, checked his clipboard, cleared his throat and without looking at them, said, “It’s stage 4 cancer. It’s too far-gone. There’s nothing we can do.”

  Gwen and her brother were in shock. Her first reaction was to press and ask, “Isn’t there surgery or radiation or chemotherapy or something?”

  This physician, who desperately needed some help with his bedside manner said, “It’s metastasized. It’s too late.”

  She said, “Sam, I’ve been teaching Tongue Fu! for years now and I know the power of words. I wanted to reach out and take the doctor’s hands and say, 'Couldn’t you at least say, ‘I wish there were more we could do?‘ 'Couldn’t you at least say, 'There’s something I can suggest. There is a support group here at the hospital and a website I recommend.' That doctor may not have been able to reverse the situation; he could at least have handled it more empathetically.”

  Gwen is right. In the real world, things go wrong. We can’t always fix a situation or make it go away. We can at least let people know we care what’s happening to them, and we can do that by delivering a compassionate “I wish I could” instead of a cold “Nothing I can do.”

  Action Plan To “Replace “No, You Can’t” With “Yes You Can, As Soon As…”

  You are a travel agent in a busy office and your desk is stacked with UPOs (Unidentified Piled Objects). A corporate client calls with a complicated trip itinerary and asks you to research fares and call back a.s.a.p. with the flight schedule. You’re tempted to say you can’t help her because you’re backlogged and to check Travelocity; but she’s a long-time client and you don’t want to lose their business. What do you say?

  Words To Lose

  You tell your client what you can’t do, and she resents having her request rejected.

  “I can’t research that for you now, I’m overloaded as it is. It will have to wait until tomorrow.”

  You deprive her of what she wants and she feels alienated.

  “There’s no way I can get that information for you now. I have several other clients waiting for tickets.”

  You explain why you won’t be able to help her. She feels you’re apathetic.

  “I can’t drop everything else and process yours first. That wouldn’t be fair.”

  Words To Use

  You tell your client what you can do, and she feels her request is being honored.

  “I will be glad to look those fares up for you as soon as I finish these existing orders.”

  You let her know how you’re going to assist her, and she feels acknowledged.

  “Right after I process these tickets, your trip will be my first priority.”

  You tell her what you wish you could do, and she feels you’re empathetic.

  "I wish I could handle your request right now, and I need to take care of these.”

  CHAPTER 15: DON’T LET THINGS BECOME A PROBLEM

  “Think as you work, for in the final analysis, your worth to your company comes not only in solving problems, but also in anticipating them.” - Tom Lehrer, American Singer, Song Writer and Mathematician

  A participant came up to me after a presentation and asked, “Do you ever add words to your list of ‘fighting phrases?’”

  “Sure, what do you have in mind?”

  “Please add this word. It causes so many problems.”

  “What’s the word?”

  “That’s the word.”

  “No, what’s the word that causes the problem?”

  I felt like we were playing “Who’s on first.” I asked again, “What’s causes the problems?”

  “The word ‘problem.’ Everything’s a problem with my boss. If I ask to speak to him, he says, ‘Sure, what’s the problem?’ He wraps up every meeting with 'Any other problems we need to discuss?’ If you ask if you can move forward with a project,
he’ll say, 'I don’t have a problem with that.' I tried to give him a compliment the other day and said, 'I know you really put a lot of time and effort into that. Thanks.’ Guess what he said? ‘No problem.'”

  He’s right, the word problem can cause a lot of problems.

  It’s important to clarify that for scientists and mathematicians, the word simply means “a question raised for inquiry, consideration, or solution.” It doesn’t necessarily have a negative connotation.

  For most people, though, the word problem means something’s wrong. Webster’s defines problem as “a source of perplexity, distress, or vexation.”

  If you use this word frequently in everyday conversations, people will feel something is wrong, even when it’s not. The listener will be perplexed and distressed, and you’ll have a difficult person on your hands!

  Are You Giving People The Wrong Impression?

  "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” - Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist

  A boutique owner broke out laughing when I introduced this Word to Lose. She said, “Last month I went to an entrepreneurial training program and we talked about MBWA (Management by Walking Around). The instructor told us that if we were holed up behind our desks all day pushing paperwork, we were not fulfilling our function as supervisors because we were losing touch with our frontline people.

  “That made sense to me because I often get buried under a stack of paperwork, so I vowed to get out of my office every few hours to visit the sales floor and check in with my employees. Guess how I greeted them? ‘Any problems?’ No wonder it seemed like all I ever heard were gripes. From now on, I’m going to ask, ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘What’s it been like today?’ to open up communication and encourage them to tell me about everything that’s happening instead of just what’s wrong.”