by Sam Horn
You may feel a coldness or calculated malevolence exuding from them. At a gut level, your instincts are probably waving red flags and warning you to get away; this person feels dissonant. Even if their behavior is covert, not overt, things feel wrong. You perceive this person deliberately undermines others to make them feel inferior so s/he can feel superior. They may actually delight in your squirming and suffering.
Are you Empathizing, Avoiding or Accommodating?
“It’s the worst thing that can happen. People will come saying, ‘Bear up, trust to time.’ No, they’re wrong. Mind it.” – E. M. Forster
You can’t pick up a magazine, turn on the TV, or check news online these days without seeing yet another shocking story about the escalation of bullying in our schools, homes, workplaces and communities.
Unfortunately, despite all the attention this topic has been given, we are no better at preventing or circumventing bullying than we were decades ago when we finally decided to acknowledge it as a problem.
Traditional advice to those being bullied usually consists of EAA – Empathize, Accommodate or Avoid. All three responses make matters worse because they reward bullies for their bad behavior.
Sweeping statements like “No one’s perfect. We all have our faults.” or “He’s under a lot of stress at work. He doesn’t mean it” or “If you don’t like the way she treats you, don’t spend time around her” or “You’re exaggerating. You must be doing something to provoke him?” push the responsibility for bullying back on the “victim” making them feel blamed for the bad behavior of the bully.
Let’s be realistic. Avoidance is not always wise or possible. In fact, retreating actually encourages aggression because it shows you’re afraid of the bully. If a bully fixates on you as a target, they’ll come after you even if you’re doing nothing to cause or contribute to the situation. For whatever reason, perhaps they’re threatened or jealous, the bully wants to take you down. Trying to steer clear can actually prompt pursuit.
While seeing things from the other person’s view is normally a healthy thing; empathy often backfires with 5 Percenters. Bullies only see their side. If you honor their (often obsessive, illogical) point of view, it means no one’s looking out for you. Furthermore, bullies pervert empathy to make you feel sorry for them which somehow excuses or justifies their mistreatment.
Many people “tiptoe” around bullies because they don’t want to make them mad. Guess what? Accommodating or backing down in an effort to avoid a confrontation rewards bullies because it lets them know their tactics are working. Giving in to get along and to “keep the peace” is just another way bullies control their targets.
When Being Bullied, It is Not an Option to Do Nothing
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing“ - Edmund Burke
So, what can you do? Understand that being bullied is a test of your self-worth and self-respect. How you respond to a bully defines you and determines how you perceive yourself.
If you do nothing, bullies will continue to perpetuate their evil upon you.
Please understand, I am not suggesting you be rash and take on someone who has the potential to be violent. If you feel this person is out of control, drunk out of his/her mind, high on meth or some other crazy-making drug, or physically dangerous for any reason, head the other direction.
If you are standing in line for a Monster Truck rally and a drunk crashes the line in front of you, ask yourself if it’s worth hazarding your health to confront him. If someone wheels into the parking space you’ve been waiting for and gives you the solitary salute, question whether you will be putting yourself at risk by taking them on.
In today’s world of road rage and armed assaults, adopting a pacifist attitude in some situations is not being a wimp, it’s being wise. Better to sacrifice your pride in a moment than your life forever. By choosing your battles, you can put these events in perspective. Someone jumping in line or stealing your parking place does not warrant gambling away your well-being.
A young dad told me he couldn’t stop thinking about an incident that had happened at a professional baseball game. He had taken his two young daughters with him to the ball park to share his love of the sport, but their outing had turned into a nightmare.
He said, “A group of guys behind us had obviously been drinking before they even got to the park. They were sloppy drunk, booing our team when we fell behind and heckling the outfielders. They got so crude with their catcalls, I finally turned around, gestured to my daughters and asked them to keep it down. That just made them more belligerent. I don’t know if it was an accident or what, but one of them dropped his beer and it splashed all over us. My daughters kept looking at me, waiting for me to do something, but I didn’t want to get into a fight. So, we got up and left. I’m angry with myself for wimping out in front of my girls, but those guys were out of control.”
I told the dad I thought he had his priorities straight. His girls’ safety was what mattered. Trying to take on angry drunks who are past caring about consequences is never smart. Another participant in our workshop recommended he could have gone to the usher, explained the situation and asked to be seated in another part of the stadium. That seemed like a viable option; however on balance, I thought the young dad had made a wise decision to get away from a potentially volatile situation.
How Can I Hold Bullies Accountable For Their Actions?
“If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price.” - Anonymous
Bullying is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave physical evidence, however it’s just as painful and often more damaging in the long term.
Because of the bully’s need for dominance, he or she is compelled to negate the perceptions, experience, values, accomplishments, and plans of the other person. The bully’s goal is to constantly invalidate your reality so you no longer know what you know. Verbal abuse can be covert (vague, subtle, and unpredictable) or overt (name-calling, disparaging remarks). Both are insidious because victims get brainwashed, conditioned, and confused to the point they often don’t even recognize the seriousness of their suffering. They no longer speak up or stand up for themselves because the bully has pulled their carpet of confidence out from underneath them.
Psychologists have found that bullies behave as badly as they’re allowed to. They don’t hold themselves accountable for their actions, so you must do it for them.
As discussed above, this is a complex issue. One chapter is not nearly enough to adequately cover this pervasive issue. In my book, Take the Bully by the Horns, I cover this daunting topic in more depth and breadth. If you live or work with someone who is trying to run and ruin your life, please check it out. It received a cover endorsement from Dave Pelzer who wrote the classic “A Child Called It.” Dave says, “It is the perfect guide on how to face those who intimidate and manipulate you – without sacrificing your integrity.”
Perhaps most importantly, it delves deeply into this subject – everything from why bullies behave the way they do – to what to do if we’re being harassed at work and your HR department won’t do anything about it. It has 28 chapters that provide detailed, step-by-step techniques you can use to set and enforce boundaries and bully-proof yourself and your loved ones.
Do the You
“You can please some people most of the time, but some people you can’t please at any time.” - Ziggy (Tom Wilson’s cartoon character)
The first thing we want to do is create some distance between ourselves and the bully. This is not a relationship you want to maintain so now is not the time to try to reach amicable resolutions.
Bullies want you to feel responsible for their aggressive attention. In their mind, it’s your fault for making them feel the way they feel; therefore, you deserve the backlash of their bad mood.
This is completely untrue, so it’s important to refuse to take responsibility for any of their drama. In previous chapters
, we talked about using “I” statements to connect with people and “own” our feelings. When both people involved care about what is fair and are acting in integrity, this is absolutely the right thing to do.
You’re supposed to say, “I don’t like it when you use that tone of voice,” or “I’m disappointed that you forgot our date.” In ordinary situations with 95 Percenters; it is appropriate to hold yourself accountable for your own emotions, not blame other people for how you feel.
Unfortunately, I statements don’t work with bullies. If you say, “I don’t like the way you’re treating me,” they’ll retort, “That’s your problem.” Their attitude is “If you don’t like this tone of voice ... tough!”
Or they’ll launch a more aggressive attack designed to make you back off: “Stop making such a big deal about our date.”
Instead, Do The You. Keep the attention where it belongs, on their inappropriate behavior. Make them answerable for their actions instead of focusing on your feelings which makes you come across as a whiner.
Say, “You, speak to me with respect,” or “From now on, call if you’re not going to show up for our date.” “You, back off.” “You clean up your language or this conversation is over.” This may seem “harsh,” however bullies usually only respect people who don’t let them get away with their put-downs. They see people on a ladder. They pick on people who are lower on the ladder and who don’t “fight back.” If you show that you will stand up for yourself, they respect your strength and often choose to leave you alone. They will go pick on an easier target, someone who doesn’t stand up to them.
Internalize vs. Initiate
“One of my problems is that I internalize everything. I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.” - Woody Allen, American Actor, Director and Comedian
Almost every time I present a bully seminar, someone will approach me at the break and tell me a traumatic story about how they’ve suffered at the hands of a bully. My heart goes out to these caring, conscientious people because they are usually naively doing their best only to be taken advantage of by some unscrupulous individual. They are hurt by the lack of justice in the situation and stunned that someone could be so cruel. They often believe if they try hard enough, their loyalty, contributions, or goodness will be recognized and rewarded.
These psychologically abused individuals share a common trait. Many have internalized their pain rather than confront the bully. When I ask if they’ve spoken to their persecutor, the answer is almost always, no. They’re afraid any assertiveness on their part would make the bully even more aggressive.
It’s like a famous scene on the TV sitcom Friends. Did you ever see the episode where Phoebe (the self-described blonde ditz who sang “Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat) was complaining about her brother to Joey.
Joey finally got exasperated and said, “Phoebe, have you told him how you feel?”
She said “Yes,” the paused and added, “Well, not out loud.”
The real danger of internalizing abuse is that the wrong person starts to change. If, for whatever reason you are unwilling or unable to assign the bully responsibility for their cruelty, the only other person left to change is you. Once you start taking responsibility for someone mistreating you, you get all mixed up and begin to draw damaging conclusions. Your self-talk becomes cause-and-effect-based, but it no longer makes sense. “If I were a better wife, my husband wouldn’t yell at me so much.” “If I weren’t so selfish, my mom wouldn’t feel the need to put guilt trips on me.” These statements show how a bully can trick you into assuming responsibility for their behavior. Once they have you hooked, they know that the worse they behave, the more you will try to change yourself to make them happy again.
One of the only ways to stop this vicious cycle is to start using “you” phrases with the people who are patterned abusers. It may sound wrong in the beginning, but it’s the only way to get them to pay attention. Instead of a weak “I don’t like it when you crowd me,” (which elicits a “Who says I’m crowding you?”), say, “Rob, keep your hands to yourself.”
Rather than “I don’t think it’s fair for you to take long lunch hours and always expect me to cover for you,” say, “Nina, You have a 1 pm appt. Plan on being back on time so you’re here, ready to meet with that client.”
Instead of, “I am so embarrassed you did that.” Say, “You used to get away with that, You don’t anymore.” Rather than, “I can’t believe you said that” say, “Looks like you’re up to your old tricks. That doesn’t work anymore.”
Bullies Respect Only Those Who Say, “Enough!”
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin
The goal when dealing with bullies is not to “win.” The goal is to simply convince them their tactics are no longer working so they leave us alone.
Bullies push, push, push as a way of taking your measure. They test you to see what you’re made of. In a perverse way, they admire people (well, as close as they get to admiring anyone) who say, “You’re not getting away with that here.”
To a bully, silence equals acceptance. Turning the other cheek and hoping verbal abusers will come to their senses, see the error of their ways, apologize, and treat you with more respect—is naive. Appealing to a bully’s good nature rarely works; she may not have one.
You’ve heard the saying, “Our strength taken to an extreme is our Achilles Heel?” Kindness is a wonderful characteristic, but not when we’re being kind to people who are being cruel to us.
Although it runs contrary to what you want to do with most people, a good offense is sometimes the best defense when you’re dealing with abusive personalities. Again, let’s not be naïve. Setting a boundary with the bully won’t always (or ever) earn their “respect.” Who wants the respect of a bully anyway?
The goal is to make yourself “more work than you’re worth.” Bullies go for the path of least resistance. They want something specific out of this twisted interaction. If you can figure out what that is and deny them, they’ll often move on. After all, it takes a lot of energy to be mean all the time.
Dr. Christina Grimm found that one way to stymie bullies is to look at them with a blank face when they launch some insult and say “I don’t get it” and then walk away.
Feigned ignorance is disorienting to bullies because they count on you being shocked, outraged or openly distressed. When their taunt falls flat and they don’t get the reaction they’re looking for, they realize you’re “no fun” and they go elsewhere.
Now is Not the Time to Be Timid
“You have got to have courage. I don’t care how good a man is, if he is timid, his value is limited. The timid will not amount to much in this world. A good man must be able to hold his own against the force of evil.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Are you thinking, “I don’t know if I have what it takes to take on a bully?”
Yes you do. We all need to summon up the courage from somewhere so we have what it takes to hold our own against the force of evil. We can’t afford to be timid when someone is abusing us.
A friend’s 22-year old daughter was graduating from Georgetown University the same day her younger sister was graduating from high school. The two schools were far apart so my friend, a single mom, couldn’t attend both ceremonies. On a strict budget, as she’d just gone through a financially disastrous divorce; she opted to attend the closest ceremony, which was at the high school nearby.
What none of them anticipated was that the dad, who was persona non grata after some truly shameful behavior before and during the divorce, showed up uninvited at his college daughter’s graduation.
No sooner did she get her diploma when he came up to her and started in, “You just wasted four years of your life. Why’d you get a degree in political science anyway? You’re never going to be able to find a job. You just threw away thousands of dollars.”
He would have continued, but his daughter put her hand up
and interrupted him mid-tirade. She looked him in the eye and said, slowly and forcefully, “Dad, stop. Do I look like my mother?”
His mouth dropped open. She continued, “I’m proud to graduate from the university, and I’m glad I got this degree. If you are here to help me celebrate, you’re welcome to stay. If not, leave.”
Bravo. She took command of the situation and stopped him in his verbal tracks. She didn’t wilt under his mean-spirited remarks; neither did she go on the warpath. In no uncertain terms, she let him know his behavior would not be tolerated. She focused on what she wanted while posing options that gave him a face-saving out. Most importantly, she did not let him ruin her day. Good for her.
Workshop participants often tell me, “I couldn’t do this because the person verbally abusing me is my boss. S/he controls my career. I don’t dare jeopardize my job. I can’t afford to lose this steady paycheck.”
I tell them the story of a secretary who worked for a notorious general contractor who was renowned for his tirades. On her first day on the job, he raged into her office and went ballistic over some trivial matter. She drew herself up, pointed at the door with her finger, and said, “Leave now. No one talks to me like that. ’’
She said this multi-million dollar CEO rather meekly left the room and has treated her respectfully all twenty-five years since. In fact, he often tells other contractors, “That Shirley, she doesn’t take any guff.”
I am not minimizing the trauma bullies can cause, and I don’t want to imply that every confrontation with a bully turns out positively. Those workshop participants are right; there are risks when you stand up to a bully boss. There are also long-lasting consequences of suffering in silence.