by Janet Preece
Then, silence. Darkness.
Relax, Julie.
A dim glimmer of light hovering above her as she willed her eyes to open – but nothing. Her body wouldn’t respond. The light was getting brighter, and she felt the pull as she travelled towards it. She listened to the voices around her, fought the urge to relax and let go; to switch off and take a break. This was what she had dreamed of, a release from her mundane life – and now, a release from the crazy noises assaulting her ears.
‘She came out of nowhere!’
‘I witnessed it.’
‘Why didn’t she look?’
‘She just pulled out!’
‘She had a death wish.’
Julie lay numb, sirens breaking into her dreamlike state. Then, more voices.
‘I can’t find a pulse.’
‘Oh, dear God, no!
‘Get that kid away from her!’
‘Mummy! Mummy, you came back!
‘Julie, is that you? Julie? Julie?’
‘Why isn’t she waking up?’
Chapter Twenty-Four
DAN
As the seasons changed and the snow came in, Dan tried his utmost to plan an amazing Christmas for the boys. He had long since left his engineering job to be a full-time father when he realised the shock of their mother’s absence had not really hit the boys. That was, until the accident. Now, it was all too raw, seeing her lying there, living but not living, unresponsive. He had tried to keep them positive, encouraging them to talk to her when they visited the hospital, but as the weeks and months passed, Julie was showing no sign of improvement.
After two months, scans showed her brain activity to be stable, at which point the doctors removed her feeding tubes to see if Julie could breathe on her own. Dan remembered standing in the family room hoping and praying while they explained that if she was unresponsive, the family would need to prepare for some tough decisions.
Standing at her bedside, Dan waited, feeling he deserved everything that had transpired. He had never appreciated Julie until the day she vanished, but Oh, how he’d missed her. He had imagined all kinds of horrors when the police search brought up no clues as to her whereabouts. She was a missing person but not considered a danger to herself. They’d warned him to prepare for the worst – that she’d been taken, murdered even, and he’d got through the initial shock and begun to accept the possibility.
‘Was she mentally sound when she left?’ they asked, as far as he knew, yes – but he realised he didn’t really know her at all. Had her anxiety driven her to do something stupid?
He had hoped for her return, if only to clear his name from suspicion when she had vanished, but this situation held no answers. The police were all too happy to remind him that they wouldn’t rule him out of their enquiries until they’d spoken to Julie, but she wasn’t speaking to anyone. Not now, maybe not ever again. Then what?
As he stood by the bedside willing her to breathe, he prayed for a second chance.
‘Whatever happens, us four, we need to stick together kids, all right? We have to be strong for each other.’ He pulled the boys towards him squeezing them tightly, then asked them to wait outside with Grandma, just for a moment. Sandra hadn’t been much help when Julie was missing, stayed out of the limelight as much as possible, but at the thought of losing her forever, she’d come bounding back onto the scene once more.
Dan stood waiting, listening to the doctors.
‘Ventilator is off.’
‘Starting to remove the tube.’
It was like a scene from a movie, waiting for her to take the first breath, a few seconds of nothing that went on forever. Then, the machines all buzzed at once.
‘The alarms mean she’s not coping on her own. We may need to ventilate her again and carry out a tracheostomy.’
‘Let’s give her a little longer.’
And then, there it was, the visible relief on the faces of the medical staff as they smiled and said, ‘Well done, Julie, that’s great.’
‘She’s breathing on her own.’
‘Does that mean she’s going to be all right?’ Dan asked, reaching for the door to tell the kids. ‘Is she out of the coma?’
‘No, not yet I’m afraid, but she’s breathing,’ the nurse replied. ‘Which means there is brain stem activity – a good sign, but she’s not out of the woods yet. Before you tell the children, I just want you to understand it’s highly unlikely Julie will ever recover fully from the coma, and even if she does, there’s going to be a long road back, so try not to set your hopes too high.’
‘But she has a chance now? She’s breathing – she’s already defied the odds. Come on, Julie!’ Dan said, leaning down to kiss her. She’s just sleeping, that’s all it is. He exited the room to share the news.
‘But Daddy, why has she still got her eyes shut?’ Tommy asked as he reached for his mummy.
Yes, I’m with you, Tommy. Dan had expected Julie to open her eyes too; to return to them, to speak, to call out to them, to tell them how grateful she was to be alive, but nothing. She might well be breathing, but that was the only change. The doctors said it was miraculous, but to a family in need, a miracle would be to have the old Julie back – an apparently unrealistic expectation.
They said their goodbyes and headed off to the hugely overpriced multi-storey car park, where Tommy insisted he should be the one to enter the vast amount of change the machine required. He dropped every other coin and caused the three-hour visit to tick over, the machine rejecting the coins and prompting them to start again at the higher rate. Dan rolled his eyes as his phone started to buzz.
‘Yes?’
‘Mr. Summers? I’d like to speak to Mr. Summers, please.’
‘Yes, speaking. Who’s this?’
‘I’m Dr. Pendez, just calling about your wife, sir. I’m afraid…’
She hadn’t died, not yet. It took Dan a few minutes to work out what he was hearing, what with all the kids’ noise and the queue forming behind the parking machine, Tommy entering every five pence piece he could find. Julie had struggled to breathe the moment they left and had been put back onto life support. Dan didn’t even tell the kids. Why upset them when it didn’t seem to make any difference whether she was breathing or not? She might as well be dead to them.
◆ ◆ ◆
As winter approached, Dan felt a buzz in the air, people all around him preparing for the festive season. Life went on, or so it seemed, but not for him. Shortly after the accident, people had inundated him with messages, offering help and sending their sympathy, a few mothers from the school even bringing dinners over for him and the kids (Suzy’s lasagne was particularly good – Julie had refused to make his favourite when she cooked for him). Friends had come out of the woodwork with their well-wishes and empty promises of help despite their awkward silences during conversations, not knowing what to say if they accidentally spoke of her – not knowing which tense to use. Normality had resumed. Dan was back on their social calendar, invited out for drinks and parties. Didn’t they realise he was a single parent? How did they expect him to go out, to make it through the morning after, when he’d have a full-on day of demands from the kids, starting at six a.m. with Tommy? He still hadn’t adapted to the early mornings.
At what point should he let Julie go? Could he? Was he allowed to without feeling guilty? He was responsible for making the decision to turn her life support machine off, to kill her, to all intents and purposes.
It was at times like these he really missed Rachel, wished she hadn’t abandoned him when he needed her most. She should be there, at his side, supporting him through the most difficult time of his life. Was it just coincidence that she’d stopped phoning him, stopped replying to texts around the same time as Julie went to hospital? Or had she heard about the accident and felt guilty, regretted their relationship? After three years she owed hi
m more than that. Maybe Rachel wasn’t taking the cowards way out? Should he be grateful that she had been strong enough to break their ties after hearing about the accident? Still, an explanation would have given him closure, he deserved that at least.
At the same time, Dan was relieved she wasn’t flaunting herself, making demands of him when he had to put his children first. He couldn’t let them find out he had planned to divorce Julie before her disappearance, and now, there seemed no point anyway. Their affair had dwindled somewhat over the previous months, when there was no more need for sneaking about. With Julie out of the picture, it just didn’t have the same appeal, coupled with the fact he was feeling more tired than he ever thought possible. Handling this parenting lark was a joke.
Now he questioned whether he even wanted Rachel anymore. If she were to phone him, would he answer? Should he? Being distanced from her now, focused on Julie lying there unresponsive in bed, he didn’t know what he wanted. Was it selfish to keep Rachel waiting in the wings, just in case Julie didn’t pull through? But if she was waiting and Julie returned to the family home, he’d be right back in that dilemma all over again, trying to escape marital ‘bliss’. It would be easier if she just died.
Another month passed, and the routine continued, Dan speaking to Julie as if she could hear, telling her trivia about their days, their lives continuing as they watched her change visually but never return to them. Dan was angry, knowing it wasn’t her fault, but she had brought it upon herself nonetheless. If anybody bothered to ask him how he felt, he wouldn’t have known how to respond anyway. He was going through the various stages of grief, despite Julie still being ‘alive’ – more a classification than a reality. God help our family, he thought. Meanwhile, Tommy treated Julie like a toy doll, always upbeat, never questioning what if, but only asking when?
‘Daddy, can we go Christmas shopping?’
‘Really, Tommy? I thought you’d moan if I suggested it. What do you want to buy?’
‘I want to get a present for William and Jack, and Mummy! We could get her a bunch of flowers, and she can put them in her room, and they will be so bright they’ll wake her up, and she’ll say, “Thank you, Tommy, I’ve missed you!” and then hug me, and we can all go home and have Christmas Day together. She’s been sleeping a long time.’
Dan hooked his arm over Tommy’s shoulders. He’d had to bear so much in his short life and he deserved a really special Christmas.
Oh, God, why did he have to go through all of this? He felt the guilt of his affair like a rock stuck in his throat; he was unable to swallow, not wanting to take a breath, not worthy of breathing when his wife, his poor wife, could not take a breath on her own. She had been such a good mother. He leaned down to cuddle into Tommy, who looked up and smiled, oblivious to the situation. If a shopping trip could momentarily put a smile on Tommy’s face, then it’s the least he could do.
They exited the building and threw themselves forwards, an offering to the biting elements of the world beyond.
‘Look, Daddy! Santa! Can we, Daddy? Can we?’ Tommy broke free and ran across the shopping precinct, not waiting for a response.
Dan nodded and tried hard to raise a smile for Tommy.
‘Santa, I would like my mummy for Christmas!’ he said, trying to climb onto Santa’s knee while being ushered to the side by the elves, who were trying to keep politically correct and avoid any hint of a lawsuit.
Santa looked over at Dan. ‘Where is Mummy? Off shopping, buying you lots of nice things?’
‘No, she’s just lying in bed,’ Tommy said.
‘Oh, well, Dad, maybe together we can make a special Christmas wish that Mummy gets up a bit earlier tomorrow, so she has plenty of time to get ready for Christmas?’
Dan didn’t know where to look. Tommy had a big grin as he leaned over and grabbed a present from Santa’s sack as instructed. ‘Thank you, Santa! And thanks for bringing my mummy back!’
As they walked away, Santa moved on to the next child. What would he promise them? World peace?
◆ ◆ ◆
The doctors had been talking about turning off Julie’s life support machine. Dan had been told that if they took her off it and she went without breathing again, her brain damage would be irreversible and resuscitation was not advised. The family was offered councillors to help them through the decision-making process, to explain it wasn’t something they should feel sad or guilty over because it was beyond their control. So, why mention guilt? Dan thought, unable to shift the feeling.
When he’d told William, he went quiet, nodded and receded back into his room. Jack, on the other hand, stamped his feet and shouted about it not being fair, and why had she come back at all if she was just going to smash her car up and put all of this on them?
‘Why couldn’t she have just stayed away?’
There was a lot of door-slamming that day and not a lot of communication. Dan had cried himself to sleep wondering how he could be a mother to them as well as a father. He was seething inside, in agreement with Jack. Why couldn’t she have stayed away? He had posted a message on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram telling all their friends and family of the sad news, realising he’d never really got to know her friends – with the exception of Rachel.
Dan would need to announce Julie’s death. Should he share the news he was going to be turning her life support off? He couldn’t find the words to convey the anguish and emotion in the huge decision of allowing somebody to move peacefully on into the next life. But he would have to tell people somehow – or should he just take the kids to say their goodbyes and then announce her death along with the funeral arrangements? He would need to choose a beautiful picture of Julie, it was expected of him. Something unrecognisable, taken in her youth, an idealistic image which bared no resemblance to reality. That was the intention. It was his job to formulate a visual memory for her fake-suffering friends so that they could leave their emoji hearts, dove images and crying faces; the generally accepted equivalent of real-life support.
Chapter Twenty-Five
DAN
‘We’re going to say goodbye to Mummy and let her sleep. She’s very tired, with all those tubes going in and out of her, so the doctors are going to turn off the bleeping machines and take out the wires so we can say goodbye.’ Dan reached over to bring Jack and William in for a squeeze while Tommy jumped about the room excitedly, too young to take in all that was happening. The older boys knew all too well.
‘Goodbye, au revoir, adieus, auf Wiedersehen,’ Tommy sang, prancing about the room proudly singing his school song. Shut up, just shut up, Dan thought angrily, frustrated that nobody in the room was reprimanding Tommy, that everything was being left up to him. Just think about what you are saying! Have you missed the meaning of the song completely?
They watched the doctor turn off the switch – something so simple yet it changed everything – the room instantly unnaturally quiet. Finally. Dan could hear his own breathing, every gulp resonating in his ears. Then, Jack and William sniffling, trying hard to keep their control as Tommy stared wide eyed at his brothers wondering why they were sad.
‘I’ll give you a few minutes,’ the doctor said as he left the room.
Tommy immediately jumped up onto the bed, grabbing Julie in a big hug. ‘Bye, Mummy! See you tomorrow!’ He looked over at his dad for approval. ‘Unless we can stay a bit longer today?’ He didn’t get it. Of course not, how could he?
Dan nodded back and took a seat, signalling to his other sons to follow suit and Tommy smiled back.
‘I’m glad they took all those wires away mummy, so we can have a proper cuddle now. We could put your programme on, if you like? You’ll be able to hear it now you don’t have all that annoying noise!’ Tommy snuggled up to his mother, forcing a loud intake of breath from William, who was unable to control himself any longer, letting his tears fall freely. He got up and printed a single ki
ss on her forehead and then turned to leave the room.
Jack went to walk out of the room behind his brother, but faltered, turning instead to ask, ‘Why, Mum? Why did you have to go and do something so bloody dumb?’ He sobbed and ran out of the room after William.
‘Daddy, he said a rude word! Tell him off, Daddy. William, you’re going to lose your electronics time!’ Tommy was still upbeat, while Dan stood crying silent, dry tears.
Yes Julie, how could you do this to us?
Tommy climbed back onto the bed and snuggled up, comfortably dozing next to her like it was the most natural thing in the world. Dan knew the doctors would be back soon, but he didn’t want to interrupt their last moments, sure there was no rush. After a while, he heard Tommy’s breathing change as he fell into a deeper sleep, content next to his mummy. Dan sat down in the corner chair, closed his eyes and waited. He knew he should be out there comforting William and Jack, but he just couldn’t bring himself to leave, hoping they would find peace with their grandma.
‘Where?’ a rasping voice.
‘You’re in the hospital. You’ve had an accident.’
‘Am I okay?’
‘Sorry, darling, but I think we have to say our goodbyes.’
There was a lot of movement in the room when Dan woke from his dream, disorientated as he looked over at the bed to find Julie’s eyes open, doctors standing around her.
‘Mummy! Santa said he would give you back to me for Christmas, but it’s not Christmas yet. Do you want to close your eyes and have a little nap and come back in twenty-three sleeps? It’s cheating, opening presents before Christmas Day!’
Julie slowly displayed more awareness of her surroundings, moving her lips at first to mouth words, unable to make herself heard.