Love in Recovery
The approach one takes when entering a relationship while in recovery for substance abuse is crucial for maintaining one’s sober journey. Addiction recovery specialists encourage people in recovery to keep their focus and maintain the health of the relationship by following these guidelines (“Developing Healthy Relationships in Recovery”):
Keep Recovery as Priority #1:
The most important thing to consider when facing a prospective new relationship or deciding rather to continue an existing one, is rather doing so will hinder or enhance your recovery. The emotional fragility of early recovery invites drawbacks through different means. Loneliness, insecurities, and emotional neediness can cause one to seek a new romantic relationship to replace the lost comforts of substance abuse. Flings and casual encounters during rehab and early recovery is not an option. Those types of arrangements invite too many variables into an already complex and delicate situation. Because of the increased potential for relapse when another person is introduced into one’s life, it is extremely important to keep recovery as the first priority in one’s life. Losing this dedication to improving one’s life is the beginning of an inevitable descent back into the throes of addiction.
Addiction recovery has been called a selfish process- and it is, for good reason. When one is not at the forefront of one’s own attentions, it becomes easy to succumb to negative outer influences and inner thoughts. Vigilance is key to ensuring long-term sobriety. A person three weeks into their recovery and a person 30 years down the sober path are equal in the eyes of addiction and relapse. In fact, many who relapse early on in the recovery process do so because they falsely believe themselves cured or otherwise impervious to temptation. That same kind of misguided belief can derail anyone, no matter the number of days since one last used. People with a decade or more often report they still experience urges to use, they’re only saving grace is their awareness of the urges and the cause and the decision not to use.
For people with low self-esteem, relationships with other people can take the place of their fragile sense of self. Rather than doing things for self-satisfaction, their motivation becomes external; one acts in accordance to what would please their lover or spouse rather than in one’s own interest. While there are certainly moments in which to consider the thoughts and feelings of one’s partner, in recovery, those moments should not outnumber or outweigh the consideration one makes for one’s sober journey.
Take Relationships Slow
Rushing into or through the stages of a relationship is a major sign that you are not ready for that step in your new sober life. Just as alcohol and drug dependency can often be attributed to emotional traumas, the perpetual need to be romantically involved with another is generally rooted in similar causes. When one relies on another as a solution for insecurities, self-esteem issues, or mental health struggles it creates an unhealthy, potentially toxic foundation for the relationship. Looking to one’s partner to take on the burden of healing your scars and paying for the past transgressions of others is another form of avoiding responsibility for one’s self and one’s emotions. This type of emotional attachment and obsession leads to unrealistic expectations and susceptibility to manipulation and abuse. Feelings of obligation, liability, or even fear will drive people to sustain irreparable situations much longer than necessary, to the detriment of both parties involved.
The recovery process requires a large amount of self-revelation and brutal honesty. That honesty can also be paramount to avoiding entering a relationship for the wrong reasons. Considering the potential complications involved with maintaining a partnership while dealing with the personal renovation of committing to a sober lifestyle will help put the situation into perspective. While we often view our partners with rose-colored glasses in the beginning stages of a relationship, a person in recovery does not have such a luxury. It is important for both parties to understand the commitment such a relationship requires. Taking it slowly and truly getting to know your lover helps protect you and the integrity of your sober path. Openness and acknowledgement of one’s situation as well as upfront discussion regarding the expectations of one’s potential partner will help form a solid foundation on which one may build a lasting, meaningful, and supportive relationship.
Keep Your Expectations Healthy and Reasonable
Deciding to pursue a relationship while in recovery brings a new set of limitations and expectations to the lives of both people involved. Undertaking a relationship with someone actively choosing to live a sober life brings with it an array of unexpected challenges, such as unanticipated triggers. Educating one’s partner on the realities of addiction recovery can prepare both parties. In early recovery it can be difficult to set boundaries with loved ones concerning acceptable and unacceptable behavior and the consequences of violating said guidelines. When establishing a new relationship or re-establishing an existing one, it is important to be clear regarding the do’s and don’ts of being conducive to successful recovery.
Here are a few basic expectations one should express to a potential new lover:
No active substance abuse- including excessive drinking or marijuana use.
Respect for you and your recovery process, including any and all therapy and support groups.
Open and honest communication.
Consideration for your feelings and views.
Support in the recovery process and other life improvement ventures.
Genuine concern for one’s intentions and feelings
Keep in mind that while your recovery is priority, most people are not aware of the emotional and physical strain involved. Returning the patience and kindness one expects from one’s partner goes a long way in assuring one’s lover that the relationship is not one sided. Allow your partner to voice their concerns and communicate frustrations in a constructive, non-accusatory manner in order to strengthen your bond.
Know When to Walk Away
A major part of determining if you are ready for a romantic relationship at this point in your recovery is learning to recognize signs it is time to walk away. As mentioned previously, sustaining relationships beyond their expiration date is detrimental to all involved, but more so when one or both partners have a history of substance abuse issues. The emotional pain and stress can easily begin the cycle of relapse, causing further distress and loss of faith in one’s ability to live a sober life. While it is never up to one’s partner to keep one sober or on the proper path, losing a member of one’s support system- especially one with whom they shared a close emotional bond- presents a dangerous threat to one’s sobriety if left unchecked.
Recognizing when a relationship is no longer salvageable or worth the efforts necessary to repair the damage is key to preserving one’s self and minimizing the damage caused by a broken relationship. Relationships end for any number of reasons and, sadly, sometimes for no reason at all. However, just as with one’s recovery efforts, it is vital to be as honest as possible when it comes to determining rather to stay or go. Reasoning that ‘it’s easier to stay than go’ or ‘this is as good as it gets’ is not only a sign that a relationship is not meant to last, but also a symptom of latent and possibly outright abuse and manipulation.
Other signs a relationship is all but over include:
Irreparable breakdowns in trust
Threats to your physical safety
Lack of emotional connection
Loss of physical attraction
Feelings of obligation or entrapment
Loss of interest in your partner
Emotional or physical infidelity
Lack of advancement; stagnation of the relationship
Disinterest on the part of your partner
Too many irreconcilable differing views on the things that matter
Knowing when to walk away isn’t always as simple as packing up and leaving. This is especially true in situations involving abuse or in which one partner financially supports the other. Ha
ving a planned course of action and following through is necessary for these situations; winding up desolate and penniless can send one back into their old habits for comfort through the difficult transition.
It Takes a Village: Finding the Right Support System in Addiction Recovery Page 13