by K T Grant
“It’s what I was taught and grew accustomed to because of one person I allowed to control my life to suit her needs.” I swallowed, as if it helped block the nervousness inching upward. “Last night, Grandma told me she was proud of me and loved me for who I am. I finally realized I’ve been hiding my true self for too long. I’ve punished myself because my guilt has consumed me for so long. I hurt you so much.” I inhaled a shaky breath. “But you’ve forgiven me and—”
“It’s set you free.” Freddie uncurled my hand, kissed my palm then placed my palm on her chest, near her heart. “My love has freed you.”
“I think it has. Wait. I know it has.” My voice quivered from the depth of emotions rushing over me. I felt more invigorated than ever before and didn’t want to conceal it. I wanted to grab Freddie in my arms and never let her go. I would prove to her she wasn’t making a mistake with me.
“Now, the big question is, what do you do?”
I looked at the front of the room and at the large wooden cross on the wall and the candles giving off a radiant glow. If I expected another sign, something to guide me in the right direction, I would have to look elsewhere. But I wasn’t alone. The woman beside me would help me. All I had to do was ask.
I took possession of her hand and twined my fingers through hers in an unbreakable grip. She gave me the strength I needed. “Will you pray with me?”
My benediction came in the form of Freddie’s smile.
Chapter Ten
Grandma chose to be buried was where my grandfather and both my parents lay. Those three graves sat next to one another. Grandma’s would be the fourth.
She was so well liked that most of the town had come to pay their respects, including most of the parishioners of Sacred Heart. Father Dominic had said the funeral mass and now gave the last blessing before her coffin was lowered into the ground. I was surrounded by a sea of faces, most welcomed like Freddie and her family, while some not so much.
Bianca had come with Dale. They didn’t come for the mass, but to the cemetery. They stood together holding hands, right across the grave from me. To anyone else, Bianca’s gaze held sympathy, but I saw the fabrication based on the stiff line of her mouth and the bitterness aimed in my direction. When we had words, it wouldn’t be pretty. But it was destined that we would have one final confrontation. I just had to remain on guard.
A last amen was spoken by the mourners. Aunt Lorraine, using the chief for support, threw a white rose on the coffin. White roses had been Grandma’s favorite flower. The main component of her bridal bouquet. I heard Bianca say my name, but I ignored her and locked eyes with Freddie. She nodded in acknowledgment and then I swung my flower in the open grave, my final farewell to Grandma. But she would never be forgotten.
Father Dominic announced the repast would be at The Horseman and the mourners moved away from the grave. Aunt Lorraine greeted people and thanked them for coming. I paused to pay my respects to my parents, but I was blocked by Bianca who hauled me in for a hug.
I stood with my arms at my sides. I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I didn’t welcome her as I might have done in the past.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” she whispered and kissed me near my ear. She kept her mouth on that spot and rubbed her lips on my skin.
I started to pull back, but she locked her arms tighter around me, her fingers digging in deep. “We will talk later when things calm down,” she said.
When Dale came forward, she released me but tried to take my hand. I folded them behind my back, shifted closer to Dale, and accepted his hug. Bianca kept a congenial smile in place, hiding her irritation. I thanked him and stepped away before Bianca touched me. Instead she took Dale’s hand. He smiled at her and kissed her cheek. Seeing these two together didn’t upset me like it should. The butterflies I once had in my stomach when I was near Bianca had disappeared. I now felt nothing for her, and it wasn’t because I mourned Grandma’s passing.
There was movement to my left. Freddie walked past with her parents, glancing at me over her shoulder, her gaze laser sharp. The fluttering sensation in my stomach suddenly started again.
***
The majority of those who came to the cemetery also came to the repast at The Horseman. Every table was filled, including the ones in the bar. Plentiful food and drink were served family style. I sat with Aunt Lorraine and the chief, along with a few neighbors Grandma counted as friends. The entire time Bianca drank wine at the bar with Dale. Freddie helped serve and the only time she came over to me was when she set the dishes of food on the table. She rushed away before I could thank her.
The buzz of conversation was heavy, at times laced with laughter at the stories shared. Aunt Lorraine didn’t talk much, but neither did I. Every so often, she would squeeze my hand or rub my arm.
At one point, Dale slipped away with his phone to his ear and left Bianca alone. As she finished off her glass of wine, she crooked her finger at me. My fork dropped to my half-eaten plate of chicken. I rolled my eyes, mouthed no, and stood. Bianca started to climb off her stool, but then Dale returned. With her attention diverted, I excused myself from the table and walked down the hall. I didn’t go to the women’s room since Bianca might corner me there. Instead, I went straight to the back door, opened it, and stepped outside.
The back of The Horseman had a small patio with a few plastic lawn chairs near a brick wall. I dropped into one and speared my fingers through my hair, scraping the toe of my shoe on the uneven concrete. My breath misted in the frigid air, but I didn’t feel cold. My anger toward Bianca kept me warm. How dared she beckon me like I was some dog! We would talk soon, but it would be on my terms, not hers for once.
The metal door swung open, and Freddie walked out with a lit clove in her mouth. She shut the door with bang. I jumped in my seat and said her name.
She turned toward me, blowing out smoke. “What are you doing out here without your coat on? It’s freaking freezing.”
“I could say the same about you. You need a smoke that bad?”
She sat down in the chair next to me and took another inhale of her cigarette. “It’s the first one I’ve had all day. I needed one after watching your friend make sex eyes at you.”
I burst out laughing. She couldn’t be serious. That was so far off from how Bianca was acting. “You really think Bianca would be tactless enough to try and seduce me with her stares at my grandmother’s repast?”
“I wouldn’t put anything past her. It would be the perfect opportunity for her because you’re suffering and in need of comfort.”
I sighed and laid my hand on her knee. “The only person I would want comfort from, or would welcome seduction from is you. What I once had with Bianca is over.”
“She doesn’t know that. She wants you back.” Freddie hugged her arms to her chest.
“I’m going to have to talk to her. She came out all this way when she didn’t have to. I rather have it out with her here before I return to Boston and have to face her there.”
“Argument, huh?” She finished off her cigarette.
“I can’t see us having a polite discussion while I break up with her, unless Dale stays in the room.” He might be perfectly fine with Bianca keeping me as her mistress—girl on the side—but him listening to our conversation, or, worse, actively participating, was far too bizarre.
“Poor guy is pussy whipped by that bi-woman. I don’t get it.” Freddie slouched in her chair.
“If you’re worried, I’ll—”
She bent forward and expelled a loud breath through her fingers. “You bet I’m worried. The last time I felt this way was when you left for college. I have a bad feeling now like I did then.”
“You really think I would go back to Bianca after all we shared together these past few days?” A burning sensation lodged in my chest.
“You’ve been with her for ten years and put up with a lot of her shit.” She stared up at me. “What if she wasn’t getting married? You would still be her dir
ty little secret, continuing as you have been, knowing you can’t be out in the open together because it doesn’t fit her lifestyle. You think it’s fair to you?”
“Of course it’s not fair! That’s why I’m breaking up with her.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Freddie said in a disgusted tone.
What could I say? I had been contemplating taking a break from Bianca because I was getting tired of our arrangement. But it wouldn’t have been forever. I was hoping if I forced her hand, she would realize how important I was to her and would finally give me the respect I deserved. After a decade of being with her, knowing all her quirks and faults, her attributes and every inch of her body, my one request was to no longer to live in shame because of our love.
“You might not like my answer,” I said.
“Try me.” Freddie arched an eyebrow, daring me to tell the truth.
I blew in my hands, the tips of my fingers tingling from the cold. “Bianca’s engagement forced me to make a hard decision about our relationship. For some time, I’d been thinking we should take a break so she could realize how much I meant to her and that she couldn’t be without me.”
Freddie sprang out of her chair and practically snarled in my face. “How can you sound so cold about ending such a long-term relationship? Is this the way you acted when you decided you no longer wanted me?”
I went to rise, but she held out her hands and shook her head.
“How do you want me to act? Yell and scream, or maybe hit a wall or throw a chair? Will that be good enough for you?” I turned and lifted the chair behind me to toss.
Freddie’s arms came around me, and I dropped my head to my chest. She placed the chair back down and held me, whispering my name near my ear. I smothered a sob and clutched her hands in my cold ones.
I couldn’t say how long we stayed like that with our arms entangled. I stared at the wall, shivering in her embrace, wishing we were back at her apartment and kissing on her couch.
When a beeping sound went off in Freddie’s pants pocket, she lowered her arms and stepped away. “My parents are wondering where I am. I should go back inside,” she said behind me.
I turned and faced her. Her cheeks were deep red and she trembled. I guess she was cold like I was or upset. Maybe both. “I should go in also.” I would then speak to Bianca and finally put the past to rest in order move on, hopefully with Freddie. That was if she was still speaking to me after today.
“What are your plans after the repast?” she asked, opening the door.
“I’m going to talk to Bianca, and then see you if you’re not busy?” I grimaced from the sourness coating my stomach and expanding in my chest. I had a bad feeling my confrontation with Bianca would not go smoothly at all.
“You can find me at the café.” Her knuckles whitened as she gripped the doorknob.
“I can drown my sorrows in your special hot chocolate?” I inserted a lighter tone in my voice.
The corner of her mouth quirked, but the sadness in her eyes remained. “Sure. If you decide to stop by after your talk with Bianca.”
The way she said “talk” sounded like something altogether different. It pained me that she didn’t trust me. But, then again, why would she after everything I had done to ensure her doubts about us?
Without another word, she swung open the door and strode inside. I grabbed the door and entered the warm building, shuddering as the tips or my fingers and my toes tingled. Freddie walked ahead and turned the corner. Clearing my mind, I pushed aside all thoughts of Freddie and marched back to the front of the restaurant and over to Bianca.
***
“Do you want me to call room service?” Dale asked, closing the door to the hotel suite.
“I’m fine. I had enough to drink and eat at the restaurant.” I took in room with the plush cream-colored couches and carpet that went well with the peach walls. Dale and Bianca were staying at the Wolcott Inn, one of the most expensive hotels near Delpoint, occupying the suite on the top floor.
Bianca slipped off her heels and sat on the arm of the couch, running her palms up and down her thighs. Her gaze, laser sharp, remained on me, and a small smirk appeared. “Dale, why don’t you go downstairs to the lounge while Cassandra and I talk?”
“He can stay.” I wasn’t thrilled by the notion of being alone with her. But she had agreed talk with me only in her hotel suite where “we wouldn’t be uninterrupted.”
If he noticed the tension between me and Bianca, he didn’t mention it. He went to her side and kissed the top of her head. “My inbox has probably exploded with emails from work. Let me grab my briefcase and then I’ll be out of your way.”
“You’re such a dear,” she purred.
He kissed her cheek then scooped up his case from the long glass table near the kitchen. Instead of walking to the door, he stopped by me and, to my surprise, hugged me. “Be kind to her. She’s had a rough week.”
She had a rough week? I jerked back, eying him with disdain then walked over to the windows, waiting for him to leave.
When the door clicked shut, I then turned around. Bianca tilted her head to the side, watching me with an innocent expression. She fiddled with the hem of her skirt, showing her nervousness. She showed no outward signs of her discomfort. I was always the one who paced when we disagreed.
“I need a drink. Want one?” She walked over to the wet bar near the front of the room.
“Just water.”
She opened the small refrigerator sitting on a table behind her and took out a bottle of water, and a half-empty bottle of wine. She set the water bottle on the bar.
“Come and get it if you want it.” She stayed behind the bar while she poured herself a glass of wine.
I could tell her to bring my drink to me, but she would just laugh or say something snide. I never ordered her to do anything. She did the commanding, and I followed her directions. This time would be the last.
I approached her with the intent to grab my water and then move back to the middle of the room, to give me the space I needed. As I reached out, she set her glass down and latched onto my wrist.
“Bianca, let go,” I said, tugging.
She lifted my hand and kissed the center of my palm. “I missed you so much. These last few days without seeing you have been hell.”
When she loosened her grip, I wrenched my hand back, clutching it to my chest. The inside of my mouth felt like sandpaper. She had never done something so gentle…so tender. Even in bed together our passion was always hard and fast, grabbing as much as we could from one another.
She looked miserable. A small, satisfied thrill pierced my chest and belly, gave me the courage, to stay strong and remove any lingering influence she had over me. No amount of apology or delicate kisses or touches would change my mind.
“You’ve had Dale to keep you company while I was away.” I unscrewed the cap from the water bottle and took a deep gulp.
“It’s not the same and you know it.” She stared into her half-filled her glass.
“Stop with the bullshit. It is the same.” I rolled the bottle back and forth in my hand to keep from throwing it at her head.
She set her glass down and came around the counter. I stood my ground, not backing away.
She motioned to the couch. “Let’s sit.”
I wanted to stand and keep my distance but she would never accept it. Then there would be a big flare up between us. All thoughts of talking in a reasonable manner would be tossed out the window. Conceding, I sat in the corner of the couch, gripping my bottle like a shield. Bianca sat down on the edge of the couch with both feet on the floor and her hands folded on her knees, prim and proper, exactly as she had been taught by her mother.
“When are you coming home?” she asked, jerking her head in my direction.
“I’m not sure yet. Maybe in a few weeks.” I squeezed the bottle, the crinkling sound filling the silence in the room.
“Stop that!” She snatched the bottle
away and dropped it on the floor.
“That was a childish move.” I shook my head, blatant in my disappointment.
“Childish?” She curled her hands around her knees, rocking forward, her agitation emerging. “If anyone is acting like a child, it’s you. You’re acting cold and distant. You run off to this godforsaken hellhole—”
I pointed a finger in her face. “Stop right there. I didn’t run away. I came to be with my family, and with my grandmother, who, if you’ll remember, just died.” When Bianca lifted an eyebrow in a condescending way, my cheeks heated. “You’re so goddamn selfish.”
“There’s no need to curse, Cassandra.” She knocked my hand aside.
“Stop calling me Cassandra. I prefer Cassie, and always have. But you never cared what I want.” I rocked back, inhaling a deep breath to help me stay calm.
“There’s more going on with you than your silly issue with how I say your name, which you never minded before. The way you’re acting isn’t because of your grandmother’s death either. Could it be your reconnection with an old friend that has you so belligerent?”
I wouldn’t talk about Freddie or I would really blow up. “The reason I’m so belligerent is because of you.” I tapped each finger as I spouted off reasons why. “You made me believe we were monogamous, but you started seeing Dale behind my back. Then you got engaged to him. You left me horribly insulting text messages. I would say that allows me to be hostile to you.”
“You’re more than just hostile right now. You’re borderline hysterical. I don’t like it.”
My jaw dropped. Yet again she had circled back to her and ignored all the reasons I was so upset. Well, she would be in for quite the surprise when I told her we were finished.
I rubbed the middle of my forehead in frustration. Rationalizing with Bianca was like hitting a brick wall. But I would stay the course no matter how frustrated I felt. I sat back down and decided to take a different tack. I placed my hands over hers.